Did You Feel Like You Belonged?

[dichotomy]

I believed the whole bible literally and the experience of the holy spirit. I tried to be very sincere before god. I never, never, never, never, never felt 'saved'. I NEVER felt good enough for these people. I felt like I was the only one in the whole world who used to get mad (all by myself ) and then curse.

I danced behind their backs to disco music. I smoked cigarettes and drank wine to excess.

 

I actually got a crush on the pastor and would 'googlely eye' him as he preached the sermon on Sunday's. I felt like Satan always had his hands on me and somehow I could not 'bind and loose' him. I spent a lot of time on my knees asking god for forgiveness. I said the 'sinners prayer' a ka-zillion times.

 

I always pretended to be part of the group and at times I thought I 'arrived'.. I really didn't care about impressing the people - well I cared, but - I really wanted to feel god's approval and NEVER really felt it.

 

 

Wow that's very similar to how I was especially the italic bit. I believed so wholeheartedly and was very sincere in my faith but I always felt like something was wrong and that I wasn't quite getting it *right*.

 

Then a wife of the youth pastor told me: "Look. People in Church aren't better than people in the world. The only difference is that they are saved"...

 

WHAT THE SHITTING FUCK?

 

Exactly. Yet we hear from these same people that the saved are completely changed. Of course they still act like everyone else and often worse.

 

I'm as weird as fuck and actually took the bible literally so I believed the above, that christians were supposedly better than everyone else, certianly kinder, more loving and less judgemental. The evidence to the contrary over 36 years as a christian slowly melted my brain with cognitive dissonance until I had the sense to get out a couple of years ago. I didn't fit in because I have high expectations of myself and others, that no one else really seemed to care about.

 

 

I believed it too, for many years. I was around in my late 30s when I ran across Christians who behaved in such a glaringly atrocious way that I was forced to abandon that very deep belief.

 

I was quite aware of the hypocrisy of some christians from quite a young age, but I was blindly fooled into believing the whole idea that these xians were just xians in *name* and not *real believers*. But as a teenager all this did was make me question the church as a whole and god himself because the people who I *knew* were really saved and *true* xians and consequently supposedly *better* than non-xians and acting in god's will then what the hell was god playing at?!

 

One of the most shocking things that any Christian leader ever said to me was that christian children are better behaved and better people than no christian children because their parent's being saved meant they had better *genes*. OMG I remember trying not to laugh in his face it was so utterly ridiculous. I believe it was idiocy like that that made me take a good hard look at everything else!

[AlphaToOmega]

One of the most shocking things that any Christian leader ever said to me was that christian children are better behaved and better people than no christian children because their parent's being saved meant they had better *genes*. OMG I remember trying not to laugh in his face it was so utterly ridiculous. I believe it was idiocy like that that made me take a good hard look at everything else!

He meant Jeans. God gives better clothes to his followers. Amen.

[freespirit]

So, do you feel like you fit in anywhere now? I pretty much don't feel I do for the most part. I wonder how anybody can understand me, ex-pastor's wife, ex-preacher, ex-pentecostal. It feels like there is an invisible wall between me and other people. I wonder if I will ever get over it.

 

 

How long has it been since you deconverted?

 

As I mentioned, I feel like I fit in Down Under, and I never felt like I fit in over in the U.S., both in the church and out... my husband and I are in the process of moving to the U.S. - he got his permanent visa recently - and I'll be real curious to see if I fit in now that I'm happy. We'll be returning to Australia within five years, so it actually doesn't matter if I fit in, as I'm perfectly happy just fitting in with my husband and my mother, but it will be interesting to see if I fit in better based on the changes in my personal psyche. I'm not holding out a lot of hope for that, sine we're settling on the edge of the Bible belt in Virginia.

 

 

 

 

Well, that's a hard question....deconversion.....we left the pentecostal church and the ministry 6 years ago but hung around an evangelical church for 4 years after searching for a church for a year and now have not been attending any church for a year. I made a good friend in the evangelical church but we have since parted ways since she is still evangelical and I have been asking too many questions.

 

 

[freespirit]

Suzy, I'm a lot like you. I don't make lasting friendships easily and I treasure my alone time.

 

 

 

 

This is me completely. But I do need friendships. How do you deal with the interim between changing thought processes and the rejection of you by old friends? That makes it hard because you know you are in for a lot of that alone time you cherish.

[freespirit]

@ freespirit

I know exactly how you feel

 

Thanks! It's good to know I am not alone in my thoughts. I look around and see people chumming and a voice lies to me and says their life is peachy, unlike mine!!

[SillyString]

Suzy, I'm a lot like you. I don't make lasting friendships easily and I treasure my alone time.

 

 

 

 

This is me completely. But I do need friendships. How do you deal with the interim between changing thought processes and the rejection of you by old friends? That makes it hard because you know you are in for a lot of that alone time you cherish.

 

It's been a long time since I've had what I would call a close friend or best friend. I do have friends, but no one that is truly very close. It doesn't bother me much. I keep myself busy.

 

As far as rejection goes, I have yet to face that. I'm not vocal about my new beliefs. But, when that time comes, those who would reject me for such a thing aren't worth my time anyway.

 

 

 

[freespirit]

Suzy, I'm a lot like you. I don't make lasting friendships easily and I treasure my alone time.

 

 

 

 

This is me completely. But I do need friendships. How do you deal with the interim between changing thought processes and the rejection of you by old friends? That makes it hard because you know you are in for a lot of that alone time you cherish.

 

It's been a long time since I've had what I would call a close friend or best friend. I do have friends, but no one that is truly very close. It doesn't bother me much. I keep myself busy.

 

As far as rejection goes, I have yet to face that. I'm not vocal about my new beliefs. But, when that time comes, those who would reject me for such a thing aren't worth my time anyway.

 

 

 

 

Yeah, I usually feel like you do, but sometimes, I have my moments.

[Susie]

I felt like an outcast - not very sad about it now

 

 

 

 

 

[Discerning]

As far as "fitting in" it's over rated, be yourself it's way more fun and it is the way you were "designed"

 

Outcast, but I can [feel awkward] in the middle of a crowded room also. INTJ personality, I guess.

Ditto!

 

Having said that, I'm not someone who is easy to make friends anyway. If I do, it has to be profound and you don't find that very often. I'm also someone who likes to spend a lot of time alone, just thinking, reading and often people get on my nerves. I'm not a very sociable type.

Are you maybe another INTJ, Suzy? I have recently thought that I'd like to start up a site for INTJ Xtians, to find out if they've had the same sort of struggles as me in regards to churchianity.

 

Anyway, no, I have never fit in amongst the church crowd, no matter which denomination I have attended. Back when I was a new Christian, for several years (before I moved to another state), I had some fabulous 1-on-1 friendships with 4-5 believers, but overall, when it came to groups, I was always the "sore thumb," the "oddball." My asking too many questions and not playing the church games made me "suspect" with most of the church gang: I didn't fit the cookie-cutter Xtian mold.

 

But inspite of all that, I don't believe being a Christian is all about fitting the cookie-cutter mold: the Pharisees were perfect cookie-cutter religious types, yet He condemned them. To boot, Paul talks about how different all the members of the body are from each other---radically different.

[lostman42]

@francotirdora

 

Wow I've never really been to a church with that cold of members. I'm guessing catholic churches are a lot different than the nondemoninational churches I went to. I was one of those christians who thought that catholics weren't true christians.

[LivingLife]

I was brought up with the concept that the RC's were not xian and that stemmed from their adornment of (some) churches with statues (the old not creating images commandment) Later this was reinforced by the end of daze folk I was involved with and the Pope being the false prophet etc. ad nauseum.

 

The odd thing is that all xians come out of the doctrine of RC teachings and merely adapted theirs to stop sending gold to Rome.

 

We have the folk arguing what the early church father's taught as if that validates their position any more than the other deluded.

 

Where the RC seems to be making advancements, the woo woos are going backwards IMO.

 

But 99% of xians probably do not know the facts of their faith and hence they simply believe what they learn or are told.

 

In my experience, the RC's girls usually were a sure thing as opposed to the CoC and evangelical girls. so you can guess who I chased back then in mah horney daze

 

A hot girl telling you that she was a born again like pretty much tells your hormone system to take a cold shower as a male (unless she in a rebellious mood)

 

In my misspent youth, I did not fit in as it was in total opposition to what my body was telling me to do. We males really do/did not go to clubs simply for the music and dancing, this was/is our modern mating ritual.

 

Of course my folks church, clubz and rock and roll were the invenshun of satan.

[AlphaToOmega]

I was always the "sore thumb," the "oddball." My asking too many questions and not playing the church games made me "suspect" with most of the church gang: I didn't fit the cookie-cutter Xtian mold.

 

Continue to do this and I give you no more than five years before you request that the Authentic Christian believer pic be removed and you post in your de-conversion story.

 

 

 

[homospiritus]

Yes I had a strong sense of belonging in the church. I'd get phone calls from my spiritual mentor asking me how I was doing and people talking about how dedicated I was, so I felt like I was a part of something meaningful. That's why it's so hard for me to break away from it now! I don't know where else I'll have connections like what I had at church.

[eyesopen]

Yes, I felt very much like I belonged, since I grew up in the church. The friends we have made are incredible people, with similar upbringings and education. Though, my husband and I went to a small chariasmatic and very unorganized church for a short while and I definitely didn't fit in. All of them were all a bit whacky and I would have never hung out with them outside of church. After that, we went to a more conservative church that had tons of people our age (young married couples) who were all pretty normal (well I mean similar to us).

[lunaticheathen]

So, do you feel like you fit in anywhere now?

 

I feel like I fit in within the Kemetic Orthodox community - and feel acceptance within the Vodou community here.

 

Now, this doesn't mean that I have changed myself around to gain their acceptance - just the opposite. I feel they accept me for who I am, right now. I don't have to pretend, or be something I'm not. I am different in a lot of ways, but so are other people, and we all "fit in" with our differences. We share them, and in the end, we're family.

 

I admit, it's a great feeling.

[pantherace]

I have to say I felt both belonged and an outcast. I mean that in a very literal sense, when I felt belonged I felt like I really belonged. What kept me interested in the church was that I was accepted where others didn't seem to, and they seemed genuinely concerned about my well being above other things. I felt loved more than I felt love from other areas of my life, even family. But that was extremely rare, for the most part I felt rejected and an outcast. Being an outcast on many levels actually, and it always hurt me in very powerful ways. I've been an outcast socially, wasn't an athlete in school and wasn't really part of the popular crowd, but to me that was shallow. I expected church to be different. Especially since I believed they were my "brothers" and "sisters", that we were a spiritual family. And that they had a higher calling to be loving and accepting, to love one another as Jesus loved his disciples. So when they not only didn't accept me, but went out of their way to belittle me or look down on me or judge me, I felt hurt and anger on a deeper level. I also tended to equate their judgement of me as God's judgement of me, which seems really fucked up but I did start to think it was because I was a sinner or evil or something and that's why people were assholes. I can now see that there's nothing special about them, they're just people, and people tend to judge on looks and shallow ideas and not look at people on a personal level, and people are just hurtful and kind of suck.

[CatBallou]

The church was a great social outlet for me. I was definitely an insider - but that was honestly the first time I've EVER known what that felt like. It's over now.

[HistorySkptc]

The church was a great social outlet for me. I was definitely an insider - but that was honestly the first time I've EVER known what that felt like. It's over now.

 

Yeah, me too, at least in college. I felt like an insider the whole time, was a music leader, etc... dated the hot Christian girls, but ya know, as soon as I had too many doubts about it all with no one, not even at my high-ranking univ., being able to really engage me in debate about it without the standard "just pray about it more", well I was done... ex-communicado. Person no grata. Outcast. One of Them.

 

It sucks being looked up to, having people hanging on your every word, and then, poof! Nothing. I feel like I haven't had cool friends in a long time. I really want to be around people with whom I have common interests again. I just haven't had time outside of work and grad school to even get to my local freethinker group, and I've been skiddish about going to the Unitarian fellowship although I'm a huge liberal. It's just easier to hang out with your girlfriend and her friends than get out there yourself.