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Brother Jeff
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I posted this as my status last night, and it gets to the heart of at least part of what is depressing me, other than it just being due to the bipolar disorder and brain chemistry.

 

Unbearably deep sadness, feelings of hopelessness and helplessness and inadequacy about future events beyond my control. These feelings all feed a long-standing pre-existing depression and just make it infinitely worse... OVERWHELMING SADNESS AND FEAR that I have no idea how to deal with or if they even can be dealt with... drives me to want to go to sleep and pray that I never wake up again...

 

My parents are aging (mother is 69 & my father is 70) and I know their time is coming and I have no idea how I'm going to deal with that. I watched my parents deal with the deaths of their parents when those times came and I saw how hard it was for them, but they got through it and continued on with life. I assume I will somehow manage to do the same, but if so I have no idea how. I had a very hard time dealing with the deaths of my grandparents and I still miss them terribly when I think about them, but the thought of my parents dying is unimaginable and unbearable. I'm sure everyone feels that way thinking about the death of a loved one, but things are complicated for me because I'm dependent on them financially thanks to this goddamned bipolar disorder. There is also the issue of my emotional maturity, which has been affected by the mental illness. Chronologically I'm 45-years old, but in a lot of ways I still deal with things on the emotional level of a teenager. That's not the way I want things to be, it's just the way it is. My behaviors and attitudes are not always age-appropriate. That may be why I enjoy farting with Jesus so much, but I dunno... :shrug::grin:

 

I also have no idea how I will deal with the death of my now 13-year old cat wife Tasha when her time comes, which I know it will. I hope she has several good years left, but you never know when they reach old age... She is much more than "just a cat" or "just a pet" to me. She has been my constant companion and a comfort to me in ways that no human can match for many years. The unconditional love that comes from a pet just doesn't exist in the human world, with the exception I suppose of the love parents feel toward their children.

 

The fear I'm feeling isn't just about how I will deal with the death of those I love when the time comes, but what will happen to me when that financial (and emotional) support is gone. I certainly can't afford to live in Alaska on my own, and I don't want to be a burden to my sister in Texas either. She will be putting two kids through college in a few years and doesn't need the additional expense of taking care of me.

 

Externally, my life looks pretty good. I'm doing the best I can to take care of myself and I am enjoying living in the beautiful state of Alaska. But that's on my father's money and he won't be able to work forever. He has a good job that he loves and the company he works for appreciates him, but my mother is concerned about how long they will allow him to work even if he's able, because of his age.

 

I have plans to get back in school and get a degree (in Psychology) so I can at least try to hold a steady job and support myself. But my ability to do that is a HUGE *IF*. I definitely have the desire, but whether I can manage my mental health well enough to do it is questionable at best... unless the therapy and meds I am beginning now both really work out well.

 

I know some people would say "you are borrowing trouble", but I don't really see it that way. I know I shouldn't let it depress me to the point of tears, but normally it wouldn't. I'm just still emotionally unstable from my recent bipolar crisis. My life situation is inevitably going to change over the coming years though, and I have to plan for how I'm going to deal with it -- emotionally and financially.

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Ask state vocational rehabilitation where you live if they can help you with training for work. Tell them what you have going on and see if voc rehab can help. They also helped me with college tuition.

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abedeath.jpg

 

I posted this as my status last night, and it gets to the heart of at least part of what is depressing me, other than it just being due to the bipolar disorder and brain chemistry.

 

Unbearably deep sadness, feelings of hopelessness and helplessness and inadequacy about future events beyond my control. These feelings all feed a long-standing pre-existing depression and just make it infinitely worse... OVERWHELMING SADNESS AND FEAR that I have no idea how to deal with or if they even can be dealt with... drives me to want to go to sleep and pray that I never wake up again...

 

My parents are aging (mother is 69 & my father is 70) and I know their time is coming and I have no idea how I'm going to deal with that. I watched my parents deal with the deaths of their parents when those times came and I saw how hard it was for them, but they got through it and continued on with life. I assume I will somehow manage to do the same, but if so I have no idea how. I had a very hard time dealing with the deaths of my grandparents and I still miss them terribly when I think about them, but the thought of my parents dying is unimaginable and unbearable. I'm sure everyone feels that way thinking about the death of a loved one, but things are complicated for me because I'm dependent on them financially thanks to this goddamned bipolar disorder. There is also the issue of my emotional maturity, which has been affected by the mental illness. Chronologically I'm 45-years old, but in a lot of ways I still deal with things on the emotional level of a teenager. That's not the way I want things to be, it's just the way it is. My behaviors and attitudes are not always age-appropriate. That may be why I enjoy farting with Jesus so much, but I dunno... :shrug::grin:

 

I also have no idea how I will deal with the death of my now 13-year old cat wife Tasha when her time comes, which I know it will. I hope she has several good years left, but you never know when they reach old age... She is much more than "just a cat" or "just a pet" to me. She has been my constant companion and a comfort to me in ways that no human can match for many years. The unconditional love that comes from a pet just doesn't exist in the human world, with the exception I suppose of the love parents feel toward their children.

 

The fear I'm feeling isn't just about how I will deal with the death of those I love when the time comes, but what will happen to me when that financial (and emotional) support is gone. I certainly can't afford to live in Alaska on my own, and I don't want to be a burden to my sister in Texas either. She will be putting two kids through college in a few years and doesn't need the additional expense of taking care of me.

 

Externally, my life looks pretty good. I'm doing the best I can to take care of myself and I am enjoying living in the beautiful state of Alaska. But that's on my father's money and he won't be able to work forever. He has a good job that he loves and the company he works for appreciates him, but my mother is concerned about how long they will allow him to work even if he's able, because of his age.

 

I have plans to get back in school and get a degree (in Psychology) so I can at least try to hold a steady job and support myself. But my ability to do that is a HUGE *IF*. I definitely have the desire, but whether I can manage my mental health well enough to do it is questionable at best... unless the therapy and meds I am beginning now both really work out well.

 

I know some people would say "you are borrowing trouble", but I don't really see it that way. I know I shouldn't let it depress me to the point of tears, but normally it wouldn't. I'm just still emotionally unstable from my recent bipolar crisis. My life situation is inevitably going to change over the coming years though, and I have to plan for how I'm going to deal with it -- emotionally and financially.

 

hi Jeff. I can only share my experience with you and tell you that I feel your fears to be totally normal. I have faced just about every fear that I ever had, when it comes to facing death and finances. Again I say; 'Been there - done that'.

My precious mom died at 66 and my dad at 69. My only sister who was my best friend and only 11 months younger than me, died 14 years ago from a brain aneurysm. I was in an emotionally abusive relationship at the time and we were ready to part ways when she died. We stayed together for 6 more horrible years trying to bring up her 2 children without barely any money. Then this husband walked out the door on me during this time and I haven't seen him since the day he left. I continued to do the best I could for the kids.Today - we have a good relationship and these 2 brats are 'grow-ed up' now.

 

All of this happened within 11 years. Mom, Dad, sister, divorce..............

 

I also have a 14 year old cat who is more precious to me than life and I certainly dread the day he dies. But I will face that also. (Look in community pics - he's posted there).

 

I said all that, to tell you that I made it! No, it was not fun - but I made it. Somewhere inside me, as much pain as I was in - I fought tooth and nail to hold on for the unknown future..............

 

I did not have parents alive to help me financially. The thing that I had going for me during this time was the fact that I did have a career, so I worked harder than I have ever worked in my life to make ends meet.

 

I don't know how some of us make it - it takes a huge amount of fight. During these years, I did have suicidal thoughts. Many of them. But I was too 'nosey' for life. As much as I wanted to die - I wanted to live. I just kept thinking 'something' good was around the corner.

 

I guess the thing you have to work out for yourself, would be the job situation. I know you are smart enough to figure this out.

 

The rest of your fears are totally normal. It's very hard to say goodbye to people you love. I've accepted this part of life, although I don't like it. Life on life's terms can be a real bitch, but I have felt it to be a worthwhile venture - this place called earth! What a fuckin' ride!!

 

hug for you Jeff - I know you will figure this all out. I just feel it........................:kiss:

 

I will always be here for you, to encourage you the best way I know how. Sincerely...................

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My parents are 77 and realistically I know they won't be around forever. It's really tough to think of either one of them gone, much less both. I don't know how I am going to deal with it - especially my mother.

 

Its complicated by the fact that they are both strong fundamentalists so I know eventually I am going to have to deal with the funeral, their church, etc...

 

It is more than I can imagine handling right now.

 

I am hoping my brother will step up to the plate and handle it as far as the funeral stuff goes. May be cowardly, but that's what I would like.

 

I understand that you are also financially dependent which throws another factor into it for sure. Not sure I can advise you there since I am having such a tough time remaining employed myself. I have some funds for retirement but not nearly enough and I can't touch it until I am 60 due to taxes. Will my folks still be around then? Actually the odds are against it , but possible. They would be 84.

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Ask state vocational rehabilitation where you live if they can help you with training for work. Tell them what you have going on and see if voc rehab can help. They also helped me with college tuition.

I should get back in touch with those folks! They actually offered to pay for a degree in Social Work, but at the time I had a very old student loan in default, so that nixed that opportunity. But... the loan is out of default now, so... thanks for reminding me of them, Brother! Glory!

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abedeath.jpg

 

I posted this as my status last night, and it gets to the heart of at least part of what is depressing me, other than it just being due to the bipolar disorder and brain chemistry.

 

Unbearably deep sadness, feelings of hopelessness and helplessness and inadequacy about future events beyond my control. These feelings all feed a long-standing pre-existing depression and just make it infinitely worse... OVERWHELMING SADNESS AND FEAR that I have no idea how to deal with or if they even can be dealt with... drives me to want to go to sleep and pray that I never wake up again...

 

My parents are aging (mother is 69 & my father is 70) and I know their time is coming and I have no idea how I'm going to deal with that. I watched my parents deal with the deaths of their parents when those times came and I saw how hard it was for them, but they got through it and continued on with life. I assume I will somehow manage to do the same, but if so I have no idea how. I had a very hard time dealing with the deaths of my grandparents and I still miss them terribly when I think about them, but the thought of my parents dying is unimaginable and unbearable. I'm sure everyone feels that way thinking about the death of a loved one, but things are complicated for me because I'm dependent on them financially thanks to this goddamned bipolar disorder. There is also the issue of my emotional maturity, which has been affected by the mental illness. Chronologically I'm 45-years old, but in a lot of ways I still deal with things on the emotional level of a teenager. That's not the way I want things to be, it's just the way it is. My behaviors and attitudes are not always age-appropriate. That may be why I enjoy farting with Jesus so much, but I dunno... :shrug::grin:

 

I also have no idea how I will deal with the death of my now 13-year old cat wife Tasha when her time comes, which I know it will. I hope she has several good years left, but you never know when they reach old age... She is much more than "just a cat" or "just a pet" to me. She has been my constant companion and a comfort to me in ways that no human can match for many years. The unconditional love that comes from a pet just doesn't exist in the human world, with the exception I suppose of the love parents feel toward their children.

 

The fear I'm feeling isn't just about how I will deal with the death of those I love when the time comes, but what will happen to me when that financial (and emotional) support is gone. I certainly can't afford to live in Alaska on my own, and I don't want to be a burden to my sister in Texas either. She will be putting two kids through college in a few years and doesn't need the additional expense of taking care of me.

 

Externally, my life looks pretty good. I'm doing the best I can to take care of myself and I am enjoying living in the beautiful state of Alaska. But that's on my father's money and he won't be able to work forever. He has a good job that he loves and the company he works for appreciates him, but my mother is concerned about how long they will allow him to work even if he's able, because of his age.

 

I have plans to get back in school and get a degree (in Psychology) so I can at least try to hold a steady job and support myself. But my ability to do that is a HUGE *IF*. I definitely have the desire, but whether I can manage my mental health well enough to do it is questionable at best... unless the therapy and meds I am beginning now both really work out well.

 

I know some people would say "you are borrowing trouble", but I don't really see it that way. I know I shouldn't let it depress me to the point of tears, but normally it wouldn't. I'm just still emotionally unstable from my recent bipolar crisis. My life situation is inevitably going to change over the coming years though, and I have to plan for how I'm going to deal with it -- emotionally and financially.

 

hi Jeff. I can only share my experience with you and tell you that I feel your fears to be totally normal. I have faced just about every fear that I ever had, when it comes to facing death and finances. Again I say; 'Been there - done that'.

My precious mom died at 66 and my dad at 69. My only sister who was my best friend and only 11 months younger than me, died 14 years ago from a brain aneurysm. I was in an emotionally abusive relationship at the time and we were ready to part ways when she died. We stayed together for 6 more horrible years trying to bring up her 2 children without barely any money. Then this husband walked out the door on me during this time and I haven't seen him since the day he left. I continued to do the best I could for the kids.Today - we have a good relationship and these 2 brats are 'grow-ed up' now.

 

All of this happened within 11 years. Mom, Dad, sister, divorce..............

 

I also have a 14 year old cat who is more precious to me than life and I certainly dread the day he dies. But I will face that also. (Look in community pics - he's posted there).

 

I said all that, to tell you that I made it! No, it was not fun - but I made it. Somewhere inside me, as much pain as I was in - I fought tooth and nail to hold on for the unknown future..............

 

I did not have parents alive to help me financially. The thing that I had going for me during this time was the fact that I did have a career, so I worked harder than I have ever worked in my life to make ends meet.

 

I don't know how some of us make it - it takes a huge amount of fight. During these years, I did have suicidal thoughts. Many of them. But I was too 'nosey' for life. As much as I wanted to die - I wanted to live. I just kept thinking 'something' good was around the corner.

 

I guess the thing you have to work out for yourself, would be the job situation. I know you are smart enough to figure this out.

 

The rest of your fears are totally normal. It's very hard to say goodbye to people you love. I've accepted this part of life, although I don't like it. Life on life's terms can be a real bitch, but I have felt it to be a worthwhile venture - this place called earth! What a fuckin' ride!!

 

hug for you Jeff - I know you will figure this all out. I just feel it........................:kiss:

 

I will always be here for you, to encourage you the best way I know how. Sincerely...................

Sister Margee, I don't really know what to say, except thank you for.... EVERYTHING! :kiss: I have a lot of friends I love dearly here, but you are at the top of that list! :Love:

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My parents are 77 and realistically I know they won't be around forever. It's really tough to think of either one of them gone, much less both. I don't know how I am going to deal with it - especially my mother.

 

Its complicated by the fact that they are both strong fundamentalists so I know eventually I am going to have to deal with the funeral, their church, etc...

 

It is more than I can imagine handling right now.

 

I am hoping my brother will step up to the plate and handle it as far as the funeral stuff goes. May be cowardly, but that's what I would like.

 

I understand that you are also financially dependent which throws another factor into it for sure. Not sure I can advise you there since I am having such a tough time remaining employed myself. I have some funds for retirement but not nearly enough and I can't touch it until I am 60 due to taxes. Will my folks still be around then? Actually the odds are against it , but possible. They would be 84.

I hope your brother does step up when the time comes, Sister Deva. Then at least you wouldn't have to deal so much with the fundie religious BS.

 

The economy and the fact that so many evil corporations are outsourcing jobs because they are cheap and greedy and are destroying America in the process both worry me. I hope real financial recovery comes soon... The jobs need to stay here so AMERICANS can have them!!

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The rotten thing about depression is that it feels like some you love died ALL THE TIME, so when i did lose my grandparents as nasty as it was, I didn't feel that much different from the way I nonmally felt back then. The sad thing about this life is that people die and there is not a damn thing we can do about it. We have to accept it, but I think it is much harder for those who suffer from depression. I actually think some of our depression is that we grieve the world is a fucking shithole and we cannot do anything to change it.

 

I have suffered so much loss in my life I really don't believe there is anything else that can be taken from me. Each new assualt now doesn't feel much different.

 

I guess a bit of preparation and acceptance of the inevitable Jeff is not a bad thing, but it must be especially hard for you because you are dependent on them. America seems like a hard place to live if you have a mental illness, I don't think anything really stops the pain, its just a matter of taking it in your stride, and in particular remembering all the good things your parents taught you about staying strong and looking after you.

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The rotten thing about depression is that it feels like some you love died ALL THE TIME, so when i did lose my grandparents as nasty as it was, I didn't feel that much different from the way I nonmally felt back then. The sad thing about this life is that people die and there is not a damn thing we can do about it. We have to accept it, but I think it is much harder for those who suffer from depression. I actually think some of our depression is that we grieve the world is a fucking shithole and we cannot do anything to change it.

 

I have suffered so much loss in my life I really don't believe there is anything else that can be taken from me. Each new assualt now doesn't feel much different.

 

I guess a bit of preparation and acceptance of the inevitable Jeff is not a bad thing, but it must be especially hard for you because you are dependent on them. America seems like a hard place to live if you have a mental illness, I don't think anything really stops the pain, its just a matter of taking it in your stride, and in particular remembering all the good things your parents taught you about staying strong and looking after you.

That is an excellent description of how depression feels, Sister Galien. Losing all of my grandparents was rough, but when my grandfather on my Dad's side died, it was like having everything bad that had happened to me up to that time shoved down my throat all at once. He was the oldest of my grandparents and the first to go, so maybe that's why his death hit me the hardest. But don't get me wrong. I was close to all of them and it was really hard to say goodbye to each of them when the time came.

 

America's health care system does leave a lot to be desired compared to most other developed nations in the world. And the goddamned Republicans would love to destroy what good is there. Every last one of them is a FUCKING EVIL ASSHOLE hellbent on destroying our nation. :vent:

 

I think you are right about our grieving for the state of the world too. It could be so much better than it is. People like Gandhi prove that one person can make a big difference, but men (and women) like him are few and far between. What can most average people do to change the world at large? Not much, is the sad truth.

 

I am much more emotionally and financially dependent on my parents than most 45-year-olds are. It does make it harder. I imagine the only way I'll make it back to Texas if my mother should pass while I'm still here is either very drunk or drugged into unconsciousness. That's how my father arrived for his father's funeral -- very drunk. It hit him really hard. That was in 1993, but I remember well and can still feel the pain of it.

 

My mother's big message to me when I was a teenager was to "decide to be happy". At the time, that pissed me off because I was so mentally ill that such a decision was impossible for me. It still can be, with annoying frequency. But I'm doing my best... :)

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I went through the death of 3 family members, all of which died in horrible ways. I was really close to them too, they were the only people that cared about me in this world. If you have time to prepare yourself for it emotionally, you definitely should. The best thing you can do when they die is grieve and not try to escape the pain because then it will heal. I didn't think I could make it afterwards, but miraculously life actually does go on. Life is fucking incredible, and I guess it wouldn't be so without death.

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Brother Jeff, I really can relate to a lot of the things you said in your original post. I am 20, and my mom is 50ish. But there is a lot of stuff I am really not ready to do. In fact, if my mother died this second, sometimes I feel like I would be royally screwed for life. I read how you paid off a student loan so take comfort in the fact that you are taking slow steps to finding maturity. Is there any other family that would be willing to support you in your time of need? Is there anyway you could go back to college and live in a dorm full time? I know a guy who does it. I would suggest seeing a therapist with your family to discuss your concerns so you and your family and your therapist can find a solution to get things settled so you can live without them. I don't know if you believe in seeing a psychiatrist, but with the right medicinal regimen you can improve your situation a hundred fold. I know those two things in junction help me tremendously.

 

I wish you the best of luck, keep us abreast of your progress.

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And just as a side note, go to a GOOD Psychologist, someone who is sympathetic to what is going on in your mind and understands how to treat you. I just went to my mom about our issue and she gave a rather detached unsympathetic response to what is going on in our lives.

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And just as a side note, go to a GOOD Psychologist, someone who is sympathetic to what is going on in your mind and understands how to treat you. I just went to my mom about our issue and she gave a rather detached unsympathetic response to what is going on in our lives.

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Brother Jeff, I really can relate to a lot of the things you said in your original post. I am 20, and my mom is 50ish. But there is a lot of stuff I am really not ready to do. In fact, if my mother died this second, sometimes I feel like I would be royally screwed for life. I read how you paid off a student loan so take comfort in the fact that you are taking slow steps to finding maturity. Is there any other family that would be willing to support you in your time of need? Is there anyway you could go back to college and live in a dorm full time? I know a guy who does it. I would suggest seeing a therapist with your family to discuss your concerns so you and your family and your therapist can find a solution to get things settled so you can live without them. I don't know if you believe in seeing a psychiatrist, but with the right medicinal regimen you can improve your situation a hundred fold. I know those two things in junction help me tremendously.

 

I wish you the best of luck, keep us abreast of your progress.

 

Hey Googledotman, my father is pretty much it right now for financial support. I worry because he is 70 years old and just had a prostate biopsy done because his urologist suspects cancer. Obviously, I really, really hope that it's nothing that drastic.

 

I can go back to school and plan to out at the University of Alaska Anchorage this fall. But I'll be staying with my dad, as long as his health remains reasonably good.

 

Since I got out of the hospital, I have been seeing a new psychologist and a new psychiatrist. So far, I like them both. And I think the meds are beginning to kick in too. I hope so!

 

May the Magic Sky Man magically bless you, Brother!

 

Glory!

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I went through the death of 3 family members, all of which died in horrible ways. I was really close to them too, they were the only people that cared about me in this world. If you have time to prepare yourself for it emotionally, you definitely should. The best thing you can do when they die is grieve and not try to escape the pain because then it will heal. I didn't think I could make it afterwards, but miraculously life actually does go on. Life is fucking incredible, and I guess it wouldn't be so without death.

 

I'm sorry for your losses, Brother, but I agree that life is generally pretty damn awesome. The painful times suck like hell, but otherwise, yeah, life ROCKS! Glory!

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I so understand those fears Brother Jeff. And I don't think I have anything to make you feel any better. I couldn't handle it, and so I've collected various anecdotes that have convinced me that life goes on after death and that I will see them again, and then I comfort myself with the fact that if I'm wrong, I won't know it once I die. I'm even working on a fictional movie that creates a whole brand new mythology that I like so much I'm starting to believe it.

 

But I suspect recommending a path that some would say is out of touch with reality would be wrong, so I simply share that I couldn't come up with any other way to cope.

 

I see how strong you are though, and I reckon you'll see your way through this. And should you succeed at becoming a psychologist, any clients you have will be lucky to go to someone who is both sensitive and hilarious. You have a LOT to offer this world. You might not be Gandhi, but you'd be amazed how little kindnesses make a difference in this world.

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I so understand those fears Brother Jeff. And I don't think I have anything to make you feel any better. I couldn't handle it, and so I've collected various anecdotes that have convinced me that life goes on after death and that I will see them again, and then I comfort myself with the fact that if I'm wrong, I won't know it once I die. I'm even working on a fictional movie that creates a whole brand new mythology that I like so much I'm starting to believe it.

 

But I suspect recommending a path that some would say is out of touch with reality would be wrong, so I simply share that I couldn't come up with any other way to cope.

 

I see how strong you are though, and I reckon you'll see your way through this. And should you succeed at becoming a psychologist, any clients you have will be lucky to go to someone who is both sensitive and hilarious. You have a LOT to offer this world. You might not be Gandhi, but you'd be amazed how little kindnesses make a difference in this world.

 

I strongly suspect -- based on my own experiences over the years and things that have happened to close family members -- that we do continue to exist in some form after our physical death. No proof, of course, but that's where the evidence that makes sense to me leads me... I don't have much fear of death itself, but I don't look forward to the discomfort and pain possibly involved with it, but who does? :shrug:

 

I love the movie "Avatar" and the universal spirituality featured in it. Of course it is fictional too as the mythology in your glorious movie is, but it works for me since I tend to like and agree with much Eastern religious thought.

 

My bike developed a mechanical problem while I was out riding around town today. I stopped at a small "food mart" type of service station and one of the folks working there loaned me a pair of pliers so I could make repairs. That small kindness made my day! Glory! :)

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I went through the death of 3 family members, all of which died in horrible ways. I was really close to them too, they were the only people that cared about me in this world. If you have time to prepare yourself for it emotionally, you definitely should. The best thing you can do when they die is grieve and not try to escape the pain because then it will heal. I didn't think I could make it afterwards, but miraculously life actually does go on. Life is fucking incredible, and I guess it wouldn't be so without death.

 

I'm sorry for your losses, Brother, but I agree that life is generally pretty damn awesome. The painful times suck like hell, but otherwise, yeah, life ROCKS! Glory!

 

Thanks, one thing that helps me too is to try to imagine and feel what it would be like to be on the other side of whatever trouble I'm having. When I imagine that as if I'm already there right now, the brain seems to make a connection with that and things start to move in that direction. Like if you're building a house, you'd imagine the happy feeling of it being accomplished. It takes a little practice but it's a pretty neat trick.

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Death is really crap. I find it weird how it's one of the few certainties in life and yet on the whole as humans we're so rubbish at dealing with it.

 

All my grandparents and my Dad had died by the time I was 25. I also lost another grandfather figure about a year before my dad died. My first grandfather and grandmother died at the same time (in different countries) when I was 11 and it was an awful few weeks. I still think about them all now and it can panic me at times that I'm going to have to go through it again with other people I love.

 

The thing with death and loss is it never gets easier, you just get more used to it I guess. I find myself thinking about how I will cope and act if my mum or sister died or my husband or my children. I must admit that once you have children they take precedence in your fear of death. Just the thought of a child dying is almost unbearable, I do not know how people carry on in life if they lose a child.

 

I think the fact you are thinking and trying to plan actually shows a great deal of maturity. A lot of men I know (and I realise this is a generalisation) seem very unwilling to think about what they will do and how they will cope when loved ones die. It takes strength to think about and plan for these things and accept that at some point we *are* going to have to deal with it (unless we die first of course). If you have the practicalities worked out it makes dealing with the emotions that little bit easier. One of the hardest parts about my dad's death was the fact he had not left a will and because her and my mum were divorced I was the one who had to deal with everything legally. It was hugely stressful and would have been much easier had I been more prepared for it.

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