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Hurt Myself Or My Family


SleeplessGhost
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So, you may remember me posting about wanting to join the military earlier this year. They told me that I had to lose 15 pounds before they would consider me. I took the pre-asvab and scored a 90 on it, which my recruiter told me was good. At the time I was employed as a home health aide and made about $6 an hour after expenses. My wife was on board with it for about two months before she broke down crying saying that she didn't want me to be deployed over seas and didn't want to be a single mom or for me to get hurt. I told her that my mind was made up, but we could talk about it more later (I have never had a rational conversation with my wife while she is crying). A week later she said that she would like traveling around the country and would deal with me not being home.

 

Fast forward to yesterday. I weighed myself and I was the weight the recruiter told me that I needed to be at. I told my wife I was going to go into the recruiters office and have them reweigh me. We got into an argument and she told me I was being selfish. I told her that I saw her point but this is something that I have wanted to do since I was a kid. This is honestly very important to me and we seem to be at a crossroads... I have no idea what to do.

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Did you talk about it with her before you were married? This is a pretty big sacrifice. IMO, you need to make these kind of big decisions together or the marriage just isn't going to work. If she has backed out after agreeing before hand after you were up front and honest about it, that's one thing, but if you are just doing what you want to do do without reaching a mutual understanding that's quite another. At least from my perspective.

 

That said, I'm pretty bull-headed myself and have done things my wife didn't agree with. Some of which I still feel her bitterness for whenever the subject arises.

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To me it's like a couple deciding to have children or not. It must be a mutual agreement. She has much on the line as you do.

 

That issue aside, I'm currently opposed to anyone volunteering to do the dirty work of a dirty government. It's one thing to want to play army as a kid, but reality is quite a different thing.

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To me it's like a couple deciding to have children or not. It must be a mutual agreement. She has much on the line as you do.

 

That issue aside, I'm currently opposed to anyone volunteering to do the dirty work of a dirty government. It's one thing to want to play army as a kid, but reality is quite a different thing.

 

Why do you hate America? :HaHa:

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You should carefully consider your wife's views. Way back when I was in the military, I saw family after family break up and the basic problem was the long deployments and separation. Those families that stuck it out were usually the ones in which the couple were of one mind and agreed on their spouse's career track.

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Hey Sleepless...

That is tough. when your dreams and your reality do not get along.

You know how she feels. Her feelings seem to be based on love for you and fear of losing you.

I think you need to ask yourself which you are more willing to part with, her- or this dream.

 

is there a compromise? Reserves...or something? Red Cross, Fema....something else?

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P.S..... This is in your tag line: "Try to reason about love and you will lose your reason."..........

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P2. S2...

 

The title of this post belies a deeper problem. You see changing your mind for her as hurting yourself. Maybe it is time to examine this relationship. Is the military an excuse to put distance between the two of you. If I cried (grieved) the potential loss of my husband...he would not leave me, unless SOMETHING was on the line.

 

This isn't a movie, you don't have to save the world from aliens or anything.....

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Yeah, maybe you should play weekend warrior and join the reserves. But seriously, if you care about your marriage at all, you need to come to some sort of compromise.

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Did you talk about it with her before you were married? This is a pretty big sacrifice. IMO, you need to make these kind of big decisions together or the marriage just isn't going to work. If she has backed out after agreeing before hand after you were up front and honest about it, that's one thing, but if you are just doing what you want to do do without reaching a mutual understanding that's quite another. At least from my perspective.

 

That said, I'm pretty bull-headed myself and have done things my wife didn't agree with. Some of which I still feel her bitterness for whenever the subject arises.

 

How do you feel about her bitterness? Do you regret what you did? Does it make you pause when you want to be bullheaded now?

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Did you talk about it with her before you were married? This is a pretty big sacrifice. IMO, you need to make these kind of big decisions together or the marriage just isn't going to work. If she has backed out after agreeing before hand after you were up front and honest about it, that's one thing, but if you are just doing what you want to do do without reaching a mutual understanding that's quite another. At least from my perspective.

 

That said, I'm pretty bull-headed myself and have done things my wife didn't agree with. Some of which I still feel her bitterness for whenever the subject arises.

 

How do you feel about her bitterness? Do you regret what you did? Does it make you pause when you want to be bullheaded now?

 

Well, I did something about as drastic as you. I walked away from a professional career in DC, without a reasonable plan to move forward. Keep in mind though, I told her straight up before we got married that I was not the kind of person who could ever just settle down in one place, buy a house and raise a family. Freedom is one of my highest values and I made it as clear as I possibly could even in the earliest stages of our relationship. I've since built a business and we have a decent life together here in Russia where we have settled, but she loved DC and when she is angry, she makes me pay -- dearly -- for my decision.

 

How do I feel? I feel I did what I had to do. I don't feel I was dishonest in any way and I feel I was completely up front with her. Women, I've learned, are different than men (captain obvious ;) ) and she still makes me pay for it when she's angry about other things. Personally, I don't feel she has a right to be bitter about it, but I can't change the fact that she is and the fact is, she can't control her feelings about it any more than I could control my impulses that set the ball rolling, so I can't hold that against her. And yes, it certainly makes me think twice today about the decisions I make.

 

Edit, sorry Freespirit, I wrote the above thinking I was responding to the OP, that's why I said "as drastic as you." Just change that to "as drastic as the OP." :)

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I served in the military, my brother did, and my father served in two branches--Air Force and Navy. Military service in my family goes way back. I guess we like to fight and it doesn't matter with who? Anyway, I got a real eye opener when it came to being in the modern military. I wouldn't serve again if I had to do so today. The govt. treats its veterans like shit, I know because I used to work for the VA, and the govt. makes it harder and harder for veterans to receive medical care. The medical care is sub standard, I know that also because I am 100% disabled veteran and have to travel 300 to 500 miles round trip if I want medical care. The VA won't allow anyone to be seen on fee basis by a local doctor. They want to save money at the expense of veterans care because they also receive bonuses every year based on how much money they save the govt. the previous year. The only interests most VA care providers are interested in is their own paycheck, bonuses, and feeling like they run the VA. To hell with the laws that govern VA medical care!

 

There are other ways to serve one's country than joining the military and being used. You become the govt.'s property when you join up and they can do pretty much what they want with you. The Reserves are not that much better than regular military as they are deployed more these days than in the past. I think I would encourage those who insist on joining the military to enlist with the National Guard, close to home and with few deployments and mostly in the country. The military can be exciting right up until the time you get your legs and gnards blown off by an IED, and if you have any brains left that are not scrambled by the blast you will receive life-long mental problems due to brain damage or psychological damage. Our country needs protection, no doubt about it but I have witnessed first hand how military service destroys families, there is not much marriage counseling beyond being reminded you are in the military voluntarily and whatever problems you have in the marriage is just tough. You are expected to serve when ordered to do so, no excuses. I think it would be a very dangerous gamble to have as much family problems already from the idea to join while in combat and being distracted by those problems back in the US. Your marriage won't last. I don't know if you think a 4 or 6 year hitch in the military is worth losing your family over? Some people feel it is. I never have. I waited until after I left service to get married just so I could avoid the distraction. Everyone's experience is different, yours won't be like mine. But the problems you will have in the military with a family are enormous! My advice is not to join the regular military or the reserves. Our govt. does not like the veterans it creates and places obstacles in the way of receiving quality medical care. Keep that in mind.

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Did you talk about it with her before you were married? This is a pretty big sacrifice. IMO, you need to make these kind of big decisions together or the marriage just isn't going to work. If she has backed out after agreeing before hand after you were up front and honest about it, that's one thing, but if you are just doing what you want to do do without reaching a mutual understanding that's quite another. At least from my perspective.

 

That said, I'm pretty bull-headed myself and have done things my wife didn't agree with. Some of which I still feel her bitterness for whenever the subject arises.

 

How do you feel about her bitterness? Do you regret what you did? Does it make you pause when you want to be bullheaded now?

 

Well, I did something about as drastic as you. I walked away from a professional career in DC, without a reasonable plan to move forward. Keep in mind though, I told her straight up before we got married that I was not the kind of person who could ever just settle down in one place, buy a house and raise a family. Freedom is one of my highest values and I made it as clear as I possibly could even in the earliest stages of our relationship. I've since built a business and we have a decent life together here in Russia where we have settled, but she loved DC and when she is angry, she makes me pay -- dearly -- for my decision.

 

How do I feel? I feel I did what I had to do. I don't feel I was dishonest in any way and I feel I was completely up front with her. Women, I've learned, are different than men (captain obvious ;) ) and she still makes me pay for it when she's angry about other things. Personally, I don't feel she has a right to be bitter about it, but I can't change the fact that she is and the fact is, she can't control her feelings about it any more than I could control my impulses that set the ball rolling, so I can't hold that against her. And yes, it certainly makes me think twice today about the decisions I make.

 

Edit, sorry Freespirit, I wrote the above thinking I was responding to the OP, that's why I said "as drastic as you." Just change that to "as drastic as the OP." :)

 

Knowing how she felt about your DC decision, wouldn't you at least talk to her about it and come to an agreement before you walked off?

 

P.S. I figured you were talking to someone else at first. :)

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We talked about it before I did it. At this point (it's been almost 10 years now) I don't recall all the details, but I'm sure she does :) I personally don't recall it being a big point of contention when I did it. We even had a great 3 week road trip driving across the US together afterward that we both remember fondly. I was at the point that I had to do it. I hated my life and it was either make a big change or just give up. I thought we were in basic agreement or at least had an understanding when I took the leap. I knew it wasn't her first choice, but I also thought she agreed to go along with it. However, as I said, when she is angry at me, she still holds this decision against me.

 

I should say, I love DC too. I just hated the cubicle life I was living.

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First, thank you for your responses. Second, I am bull-headed. Third, all the male member's of my family have (at some point) joined the military, and that does weigh on my desission. I have always been honest with her about wanting to join the military. We made a deal when we got out of highschool that I would wait a few years to think about it. I am now 23 and have put thought into it. I know several people who were married and then broke up due to the stress of being in the military. I feel like this is something I NEED to do. I am still trying to weigh the options in my head... This has kind of blind sided me though.

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It's a tough place to be man. On the one hand, you could stay and potentially up resenting her for making you stay, which could cause problems with your marriage. On the other, you could go...which sounds like it could certainly lead to problems with your marriage.

 

If the expectation for you to join has been there from the beginning, and this truly is something you need to do, then I think you know the decision you need to make.

 

Good luck in either case.

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You should carefully consider your wife's views. Way back when I was in the military, I saw family after family break up and the basic problem was the long deployments and separation. Those families that stuck it out were usually the ones in which the couple were of one mind and agreed on their spouse's career track.

 

I saw pretty much the same thing.

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When she says that she doesn't want to be a single mother, does that mean that you currently have children? (And small children, I would assume from your age?) While I do think that since you've always been honest about wanting to be in the military, the responsibility was on her was on her to accept or reject that before marrying you, that's a choice that's in the past that can't be changed. Now the reality is that saddling her with 100% of the childcare is not insignificant. She will be a single mother while you're gone. And getting support from family and other military wives is not the same as having your children's father sharing in the child raising, when she believed that you'd be a partner in that, not someone who comes and goes from their lives.

 

My friend is a retiree from the military. His wife supported him in his career. She sacrificed a lot for him. It was probably the right choice for them. But he barely knows his oldest son. When his son was growing up, he was deployed. He missed birthdays, Christmases, first words, first steps, ball games and proms. I feel badly for him and his kid because they have trouble relating to one another even though they care about each other. If your wife resents that she's going to be raising your kids alone for much of the time, it's just going to make it worse. Maybe the sacrifice is worth it. But for your family, there's obviously more involved that just sucking it up and letting you follow your dream, while they put in the work of keeping the family together on their own.

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To me it's like a couple deciding to have children or not. It must be a mutual agreement. She has much on the line as you do.

 

That issue aside, I'm currently opposed to anyone volunteering to do the dirty work of a dirty government. It's one thing to want to play army as a kid, but reality is quite a different thing.

 

Why do you hate America? :HaHa:

 

Hate is a strong word. Im a commie too. America seems to see itself as some kind of example to be followed but the rest of the world doesn't quite see it that way. Some americans seem to be struck by a weird kind of blindness when it come to how the rest of the world sees them.

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Fast forward to yesterday. I weighed myself and I was the weight the recruiter told me that I needed to be at. I told my wife I was going to go into the recruiters office and have them reweigh me. We got into an argument and she told me I was being selfish. I told her that I saw her point but this is something that I have wanted to do since I was a kid. This is honestly very important to me and we seem to be at a crossroads... I have no idea what to do.

 

 

What are the reasons you want to do it so badly?

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