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Things Will Never Change


lostman42
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I'm tired of this life, tired of constantly feeling alone and isolated. I've felt this way my whole life and I'm sick of it. I keep remembering being that little kid alone and depressed, sitting by himself on the swingset at recess wishing he had friends.

 

I have friends now but I don't feel like I belong with them. Even in a group of people I feel alone and scarred. I'm still that little kid alone in the play ground. The only thing I look forward to now is getting high. I've been smoking weed, drinking and popping hydrocodone every day for the past few weeks. I just want it to end.

 

I thought god could fix me but I was wrong. Medicine and therapy have failed me too. I just wanna live without this depression constantly hanging over me.

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Every person on the planet feels alone. Knock off on the drugs and start doing things even if it is only taking somewalks. Notice the good things in life there are some left for you.

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I'm tired of this life, tired of constantly feeling alone and isolated. I've felt this way my whole life and I'm sick of it. I keep remembering being that little kid alone and depressed, sitting by himself on the swingset at recess wishing he had friends.

 

I have friends now but I don't feel like I belong with them. Even in a group of people I feel alone and scarred. I'm still that little kid alone in the play ground. The only thing I look forward to now is getting high. I've been smoking weed, drinking and popping hydrocodone every day for the past few weeks. I just want it to end.

 

I thought god could fix me but I was wrong. Medicine and therapy have failed me too. I just wanna live without this depression constantly hanging over me.

 

PLEASE get professional help. PLEASE...

 

"Things will never change" is the depression talking. It's simply not true. Your life can and will change if you get the help that you need and start taking positive steps to build a bright future for yourself.

 

I see a lot of myself in you and what you are going through. I smoked a tremendous amount of weed back in my younger days, and I was a severe alcoholic for many years. I have abused prescription drugs at times as well. But it's not just the substance abuse that I feel we have in common. I relate very strongly to your feelings, and I KNOW FROM EXPERIENCE that things can get better and that they will get better if you hang on and get the help that you need.

 

I am wishing you the best, my friend. Please hang in there!

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What Jeff said - please get professional help. Clinical depression is treatable, but there are no psychiatrists practicing on this website; you can't get the help you need here. Please go where you can.

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I do take walks and try to keep myself busy. I don't see any good things in life, the world is just a cold pointless shit hole.

 

Just because you don't see them today doesn't mean you won't see the good things tomorrow. Hang in there and try to notice how beautiful the flowers are this time of year and how the baby birds are fledging. Depression sucks but you have to keep going forwards.

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Please quit the hydocodone! Nothing worse than being depressed and constipated too! I have had clinical depression my whole life, and I've also been one of the kids who sat by themselves too, as a preacher's kid. I have an avoidance disorder where I avoid friends and family, I go to extremes not to interact with people and it goes back to my days as a kid having to play by myself and growing up in remote locations too. Life can get better but please, quit taking the hydrocodone.

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Yes depression really sucks - keep trying meds AS PRESCRIBED by a psychiatrist until you find one that works for you. Exercise helps depression a lot. I felt lonely a lot and now when I look back I realize that the people I wanted as friends were pretty shallow and not worth the emotion. There are a lot of good, sincere people in this world. Stop looking in pill bottles for them, people can't fit in there.

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I'm thinking about going to counseling. But I'll need to find a good atheist/agnostic one.

I would avoid Christian "counselors" who likely hold degrees of questionable value from Christian schools for sure, but beyond that religion should not be a major issue in choosing a therapist. Most therapists are highly trained not to influence their patients with whatever their religious or spiritual views may happen to be. It is a definite ethical "no no" for them to do so. I have just begun seeing my therapist and I have no idea what his religious views may be and I don't care. It's not important, as long as he keeps his views to himself in terms of therapy.

 

The important thing for you right now is to move beyond the "thinking about getting therapy" stage and DO IT. You are not likely to get better until you do. Please talk to your parents and let them know that you need help. Let them know what you are going through. No, that won't be easy, but that opens the door for them to be able to help you get the help you need. At the very least, please call your local hospital and ask them for some counseling resources in your area.

 

I didn't want to go to the hospital the morning I had planned to end it all. But I made myself go because I knew that I had a loving, supportive family and many friends who would be devastated if I killed myself. I had the same thoughts going through my head at the time as you do now -- that nothing will change, that medications and therapy were useless and they wouldn't work for me, etc. I had no real hope of getting better, but I AM. And you can too, if you get the help you need, and you'll be amazed once you do how much better you can feel and how many caring, compassionate mental health professionals you'll find who truly want to help you get better.

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Listen to Brother Jeff, lostman. The choice is yours, no one else has to live in your skin but you! Listen to the Glory Man he knows of what he speaks.

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I agree with what everyone has said. The truth is this is a shitty world, full of pain and unfairness and greed and selfishness. Some of us feel it more than others. I have had severe depression since 1975, and I'm still here to tell the tale but it has been touch and go at times.

 

None of us have a crystal ball, and even though I know it feels like it never gets better, it does. Then sometimes worse, or much worse, then much better. That is no reason to just give up. In this shitty world mate, as bad as you feel, what are you doing to make it less shittier? Sitting there dulling down your senses with substances is not helping you to learn how to deal with life. For some of us life is a struggle, and it always will be. So? Its better than a nasty dose of cancer or starving to death in a desert when you are five. Im not saying I don't feel for you because I do. But fight for fuck's sake, don't just lie there and let life fuck you over. Go watch the movie Bridesmaids and listen to the fat chick. She's right, and you sound like you could use a good laugh.

 

Get the medication and therapy you need. Keep trying until you get the right therapist and the right meds. Keep trying even if it takes you 20 years like it did me. You are worth it, and you will be a much stronger person for fighting the fight. Never give up, never surrender! Seriously.

 

Oh and I have never felt like I fit in anywhere, and that is probably a good thing because I don't like what groups do to people. Some of us are loners coz we are too smart and emotionally insightful to put up with the the usual bullshit of those who aren't. We aren't the types who "fit in" because we spend our whole lives fighting our own minds. Its a big ask and tiring. Other people don't have the same challenge so they don't get it.

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Thank you everyone so much. I was about to ask for prayers ha old habits die hard. I'm not sure if Ill ever quit smoking weed for good. I can't really imagine life without it.

Drugs have been a big part of my life for a while now, I think I've been replacing all the emotional needs I need with drugs. Like about a week ago I met this awesome girl that I know I have a pretty good chance with, and we hit it off pretty good. But instead of thinking about getting close to her all I've been thinking about is her vicodin prescription. What's wrong with me? I'm gonna try to work up the courage so ask my parents about therapy.

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Lostman42 you have been given some excellent advice about what to do next. You are fortunate that you have recognized your problem and have asked for help. I have 3 people in my family who are bi-polar and schizophrenic and paranoid. They won't get help because they don't think anything is wrong with themselves. They keep blaming other people for their problems. They march to the beat of a different drummer. The sad part is they will never get better with that attitude. You are different and you can get help because you recognize you need it. That is a giant first step. There are medications you can take that will help alleviate some of your pain and suffering. I recommend you don't go to a Christian therapist. No matter how much anyone tells you that they are professionals and will not try to interfer with your belief system, they can't help being a Christian. The easiest thing to do is get a good humanist therapist. That way you will be taking no chances about getting a Christian therapist. All Christians have the fatal flaw that they do not see reality as it is. You don't want someone like that.

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hi my friend.

 

I have heard these types of stories for 20 years in helping folks come off of substances. You may want to investigate that these substances are making your depression much worse. Just check it out and it may help you to make some decisions to go clean. You would probably need support for this of course.This is in no way a judgment - My heart bleeds for you. I once drank a lot of alcohol to help me cope, so I understand.

 

I just looked this up for you.

 

Seek medical attention right away if any of these SEVERE side effects occur when using Hydrocodone......... depression; (was one of them)

 

Alcohol and depression: http://www.rcpsych.ac.uk/mentalhealthinfoforall/problems/alcoholanddrugs/alcoholdepression.aspx

Cannabis can complicate those who are already depressed: http://www.mentalhelp.net/poc/view_doc.php?type=doc&id=28585&w=5&cn=144

 

Best of everything to you my friend..................... sincerely

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I'm gonna tell my parents about my depression and see what happens. They'll probably help me find a therapist. I won't tell my parents about the drugs though, they would use that as an opportunity to convert me.

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  • 3 weeks later...
Some of us are loners coz we are too smart and emotionally insightful to put up with the the usual bullshit of those who aren't.
:clap::10:
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I haven't spoken with them yet, but I have been feeling a little better. I've quit taking hydrocodone and drinking but I'm working on quitting smoking weed too. Ill try to talk to my parents, I'm still working up the strength to do it.

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Quit weed cold turkey, it is the only way. It took me a year to get over the addiction and I only smoked it for about 7 months.

 

Take up a sport and exercise your lungs, it helps to rid the system of THC.

 

Going cold turkey means not hanging with friends that still use it. There has to be support groups in your area and those are usually free like AA. There may be an xian bent to it but no harm in getting peer support in kicking the habit.

 

Life usually sucks and using chemicals does not make reality go away.

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Lostman, even though you have been on it for 2 years you can quit, I never said it would be easy. When I smoked it, I was on a permanent buzz, I smoked it all day long from 7 - when I passed out. I was a dealer too. We also used to mix mandrax in with pipes and hubblies and the last bit we made nosies that we lit between two matches and inhaled via the nose. My nose is still fucked up 30 years later.

 

The dependency you think you have is on the buzz not the chemical THC.

 

It is a willful decision you have to make. Weaning yourself off it is an illusion. I had to drop my junkie friends as I could not say no if they offered me a hit.

 

The shit we smoked here in SA is strong and would vomit many times from the drunkenness I felt.

 

All I am saying, you are the one holding the decision in your hands.

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I had to drop my junkie friends...

 

THAT is a major factor. I don't know anyone who successfully stayed off drugs while keeping the same set of friends.

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