I Was Conflicted Between My Beliefs And Two Religions

[musicpoetry]

I'mnot sure I belong here. I am neither a Christian or an Ex-Christian but cameclose to becoming a Christian. This is going to be all over the place because Idon't even know where to start.

 

 

 

Iwas born Hindu but I was not brought up to be religious. I don't follow many ofthe customs that I am "supposed" to. I've even been taught todisagree with them. My parents say I don't have to go to the temple because godlives inside you. You can pray at home. All my friends refrain from eating meatand other foods during religious holidays but my family is vegetarian so Idon't know when I'm not supposed to. I didn't really think about god because itwasn't important to me. I didn't question it because I liked the idea ofreincarnation and Moksha. There really wasn't much to being a Hindu for me. NowI'm gonna go on to Christianity in my life.

 

 

 

WhenI was six years old. Someone knocked on the door and I opened it because mygrandparents were too sick. I got a pamphlet with the word HELL in orangeflames. I read that I could go to hell if I didn't believe in Jesus. I asked mydad if I could pray to Jesus because I didn't want to go to hell. He told methat all gods are the same and I could pray to Jesus but not to worry abouthell because we didn't believe in hell. I was confused but I was okay withthat. As I got a little older I understood the concept of different religions.All of my close friends were Christian, but it didn't matter because we werelittle and we didn't talk about religion. Then in middle school, my friendinvited me to her church. All I remember is sitting there and wondering whythis was service was so long. Then came high school and I learned aboutatheism. I made some friends who didn't believe in god. I was amazed, but Ifelt like was sinning even thinking about being an atheist because I knewKrishna could read all of my thoughts. But what if he couldn't? And wasn'treal? I thought about it and didn't go any further because it just didn'tmatter. I just thought it was strange to not believe in anything at all. WhileI was in high school I volunteered at an after school program in a church whereno one tried to convert me. I would feel uncomfortable during prayer but Iwasn't forced to pray with them. It was fine.

 

 

 

WhenI got to college I went to India to visit a place that I had wanted to go mywhole life because Krishna was born there. I don't know why it was so importantto me...maybe it was a way of connecting with my grandma. I used to watch aseries called 'Krishna' with her that explained Krishna's whole story. When shepassed away I stopped watching everything religious and now we were going toIndia to Krishna's birthplace. I thought I would reconnect with religionbecause when I died I would be reconnected with my grandparents. When we gotthere all I found were temples in which the Mahraj (sort of like a priest)would get angry at us for not donating money to their temple. The villagerswere not allowed in because they couldn't afford to donate. I was crushed. Iwas always taught the temple was open to everyone. How could god let thishappen? Who did these people think they were asking for money like that? Howcould we possibly donate to EVERY temple we visited?

 

ThenI got my period and when you get your period you're not allowed to go inbecause you're 'unclean.' my parents are not traditional and don't believe inthose customs, but another woman we were with found out and I couldn't go in oreat the holy offerings. What kind of crap was that? I was so angry at all ofthis and wondered if I believed in god. when I spoke to my dad about it he toldme all the rules are man made. I was still angry but I kept it to myself andeventually forgot about it for a while.

 

 

 

Duringthis time my friends started listening to Christian music in the car. Again Iwas uncomfortable, but didn't say anything. I went to them with events...moreuncomfortable when they prayed and asked everyone to close their eyes and raisetheir hands if they wanted to learn more about Jesus. My heart would beat sofast because I felt like they were all looking at me and waiting for me to dosomething and I wouldn't and I felt so guilty for not going up to them. But howcould I? I was Hindu. I already had a god. Why did I need to learn about Jesus.This happened a couple of times at my friends church. There was one time I wentto Sunday school with her and when the pastor prayed I decided I would bow myhead and close my eyes. My heart was pounding and I was shaking like somethingwas telling me not to do this. This reminded me of something I vaguelyremembered about holy ghost in you or the devil trying to keep you from god. Iwondered if the holy ghost was in me and I had rejected god. I felt so guiltybut at the same time I thought, 'it doesn't matter, I'm Hindu.' I was soconflicted and I didn't know if I was doing the right thing. I did not tell myfriends about this experience when they asked if I was uncomfortable. I justsaid yes, I felt like I didn't belong there. I didn't know what to think or whoto talk to. I couldn't talk to my parents; it would hurt them. So I kept it tomyself.

 

 

 

Lateron, maybe third year of college a person in my class asked me to fill out aform for his club (Christian club). I had a chance to win a free something Ican’t remember so I thought why not? We became friends and he started asking meabout my beliefs and asking me why I believed what I believe. i said thingslike god is in everything. he's inside you and it's okay to pray alone. Butthere were so many questions i couldn't answer like do you know god? What thehell did that mean? Then he convinced me to go to the meeting room where allthe members hung out between classes. They were all curious about my beliefsand asked questions. Again they asked me if I knew god and had a relationshipwith me. I started to feel like something was wrong with me because I didn’thave a relationship with god. I tried to find something in Hinduism where wehad that and I couldn’t find it and I started to get scared that what I feltthat time at my friends church was god trying to call me. I started going tomeetings to see what this was all about and they talked about a god that lovedyou and always stood by you. I wanted that but I didn’t want to leave Hinduism.But they convinced me Hinduism was wrong and I had to change. Then I had allthese questions. Why is my religion wrong and theirs right? Is there a rightreligion? I was confused and scared. My parents raised me Hindu. How could Ichange? What would I tell them? If all gods were the same then why were thesepeople saying there was only one way? All of this made me anxious for months.

 

 

 

Myfriends kept pushing me to make a decision but that would mean hurting myparents who had gone through so much for me. They raised me, went in to debtfor me, made sacrifices for me. To that my friends would say, you’re going toreject god for your parents? I would feel so guilty about it, but I decided Iwouldn’t convert because my parents mattered more to me. I couldn’t see god…Icould see my parents, what they felt, and their pain. I couldn’t see god’s pain(of course because I didn’t know god). I didn’t want to have faith in a godthat I didn’t know. I felt guilty for almost a year. Then sometime last year Ididn’t believe in religion at all. If religion keeps you away from your familyit’s not worth it. My family means more to me than anything else. We may be alittle dysfunctional, but they have always been there for me. When they sensedI was moving towards Christianity they told me not to go towards Christianitybecause I was Hindu; I saw it was scaring them. I didn’t want to cause them anypain when I didn’t even know if what I doing was right. But when I told them Ididn’t believe in god, they were okay with that. No arguments, no hurt. Theyask me to come to say some prayers every now and then, which I am fine with. Idon’t feel uncomfortable when I go to the temple (we rarely go), but I missbelieving in something. Not to watch over us, because I believe we should havefaith in ourselves, but I have always wanted to reconnect with my grandparentsafter I died and it’s upsetting to know that that won’t happen. I probablyhaven’t done the amount of research many of you have on religion, but I’m tiredof reading and tired of obsessing over this. I’m done for now. I miss thefeeling of not caring whether god exists or not.

 

 

 

I’msorry this was so long. I just needed to get this out somewhere because I wasn’table to talk about my decisions about Christianity to anyone (my parents hadonly sensed it). If you got through this, thank you for reading.

[florduh]

Hello and welcome.

 

I hope you can clear your head here. There are lots of good people willing to help. Christians badger everyone, regardless of their religion or lack of religion. I recommend ignoring them.

[Eugene39]

Hi, Musicpoetry. Your story is interesting. It fits quite nicely with what's been on my mind today - how the God of Christianity is a master of inflicting the "Stockholm Syndrome." I find it sad that even though you've never considered yourself to be a Christian, you have still dealt with some of the problems from it. Hope you enjoy it here and welcome to Ex-C.

[musicpoetry]

Thank you florduh and Eugene.

 

Still figuring out how to navigate the website.

 

I'd like to know more about the Stockholm Syndrome. What is that?

 

 

My two closest friends are Christian so I can't ignore them. There was a lot I didn't say in my post. My two friends think I know Jesus because I've been involved in many Christian events. I've served the homeless through a Christian organization, gone to Christian events with friends, listened to Christian music with them. I didn't think much of it because Jesus was just another form of god to me. All of this started to matter when I started questioning my beliefs. I haven't been invited to a church event since I've decided I'm an atheist, but I still listen to Christian music in my friends' cars and listen to them pray before we eat or drive (I no longer close my eyes and say Amen). A lot of the times when my friends are talking about verses I know what they are referring to because I may have studied those verses in the Bible study meetings at the Christian club when I was trying to figure out what I believe. I used to have conversations with them about the verses but now I just listen and sometimes look at verses from a literary standpoint. It feels awkward now. I don't think they're waiting for me to convert or anything, but they think I am very interested in what they have to say, which I was at one point.

 

I realize I haven't been so clear about my friends, so let me try. I'm also paranoid about who's reading this, so I'm trying to be vague at the same time. My two closest friends were people I grew up with but had nothing to do with the club I was involved with in school. I only told them about doubting my beliefs once; they were happy I showed an interest in Christianity but didn't push anything (at least not directly). The friends at the club were the ones trying to push me to make a decision.

 

It was hard to volunteer at the organization for the homeless because we had to write/talk about how we met god. That always made me question whether I was really Hindu or if I wanted to be a Christian. It drove me crazy. Every time I went someone would ask me what I believed and I would say I don't know to which they would reply with how they found god. It always kept me wondering why I didn't have a relationship and I wanted so bad to find this in Hinduism. I don't know why though. I'd tried praying to Jesus and it felt so weird because my friends told me to pray out loud and say Amen at the end. I've always been a silent prayer...I had never prayed in sentences, just thoughts. The one time I had seriously prayed to Jesus (are you even supposed to pray to Jesus...I still don't have this whole trinity thing figured out although I've read and asked about it many times) was when I though my friend had gone missing and I heard from her a few minutes later so I thought he must be real. This confused me even more so I stopped thinking about it. I made a friend there who got me a job at his church as a summer camp teacher. I was debating with myself: Hinduism, Agnosticism, Christianity, or Atheism. I did not want to be an atheist. But each time the other teachers asked if I believed in god and I replied yes I felt a twinge of guilt because at that point I think I had realized I didn't believe in god, but I still couldn't tell myself. My experience at the church definitely contributed to my atheism. I couldn't stand to see people evangelizing to kindergarteners. They're not old enough to make a decision to give themselves to Jesus. Most of them probably didn't even realize what they were doing. Another thing I couldn't stand was the way they misrepresented Hinduism saying Hindus pray to witch doctors. I admit I don't know a lot about Hinduism but witch doctor? WTH? I walked out of the room and my director realized I was offended and tried to explain Jesus was the only one. I'm not sure why I was so offended. I've never been religious. Anyway, from then on I was done with Christianity.

[Eugene39]

The "Stockholm Syndrome" is quite interesting.

 

http://sniggle.net/stock.php

 

You can use your favorite search engine and find out all kinds of stuff about it.

[musicpoetry]

The "Stockholm Syndrome" is quite interesting.

 

http://sniggle.net/stock.php

 

You can use your favorite search engine and find out all kinds of stuff about it.

 

Thank you for sharing this. I knew about this, but I didn't know the term. I never thought about religion that way though. You've given something to think about.

[florduh]

Fitting into a group isn't worth sacrificing your individuality or beliefs. It might be better in the long run if you didn't let other people try to dictate your thoughts and actions. Just saying.

[musicpoetry]

Fitting into a group isn't worth sacrificing your individuality or beliefs. It might be better in the long run if you didn't let other people try to dictate your thoughts and actions. Just saying.

 

 

Actually, I don't feel like I fit in anymore. I grew up with my two friends and have trusted for years and I can turn to them when I need to talk to someone. I don't think they are dictating my thoughts and actions anymore. Or I could be deluding myself. If I am please tell me how. It's good to have someone else's perspective. I just know that I don't participate in the events that I used to because to me that was what was letting people control my thoughts and actions. I think not saying Amen after each prayer was a step for me. I did not go to the last religious event I was invited to. My friend was the host and I wanted to go there to show support but that would have only led to I don't even know what, so I didn't go. It feels weird for me, like they have a closer bond because they have god in common, but I don't want to have that in common with them so I don't follow along anymore. I don't want to completely disassociate myself with them because we do have many conversations that do not involve god. I see that they don't agree with a lot of things I do like social drinking, wearing certain types of clothing, cursing, and other things I can't remember off the top of my head. But I haven't changed myself (although I almost stopped drinking) because of that and I'm glad at least I didn't let them control that part of me because I like that part of me!

 

One random thing: I can't tell them I'm atheist so I tell them I'm Hindu. I don't know if that's wrong to say; I haven't completely let go of it (a lot of cultural things like weddings and celebrations and even certain types of dances are tied to Hinduism and I like taking part in these).

 

[florduh]

One random thing: I can't tell them I'm atheist so I tell them I'm Hindu.

Yeah, that's an odd thing. They don't get as bent out of shape at the "wrong" religion as they do with atheism. They just seem incapable of comprehending it.

[daedelus]

 

 

Hi musicpoetry. Thanks for sharing your situation. I'lltell you what I think of your situation based on my experience with christians-which continue to this day. Some Christians don’t speak about their beliefsvery often, and tend to be more accepting of other people’s beliefs. They keeptheir religious beliefs to themselves (for the most part) and realize that itis ultimately up to you to choose what you will believe. These tend to be moresecular Christians and I find that they are easier for me to get along with. Theymay do a variety of things that are “worldly.” They might smoke, curse, listento secular music as well as Christian music, even open themselves up to otherpeople’s thoughts and opinions about god(s), etc.

 

Other Christians can be more devout and tend to be moredetermined about converting those around them. They strongly believe that it istheir “god-given” duty to convert others around them. Sometimes they try toconvert you to Christianity when they first meet you, but other times they maytry to be more “sneaky” about it, and bring up the story of Jesus in anindirect manner. In my experience manyof these people can be very friendly at first, but when I continue to rejecttheir “Christian advances” it usually harms our friendship. I’ve had severalgood relationships turn “sour” because of this. Its not that we don’t getalong, its just that there is too much tension between us because deep downinside they view me as someone who is damned to hell for all eternity. I thinkmany of them start seeing me as an enemy as well, because many churches have an“us against them” mentality when it comes to non-christians. I’m not sayingthat your christian friends will do the same to you, nor am I saying that youshould abandon them. You should always try to hold on to good, close friends(they’re hard to find). However, I would recommend finding additional friends whoshare your beliefs about religion. Then you won’t have to worry about feeling awkward or notfitting in. Like florduh said, you shouldn't sacrifice your individuality.

 

 

 

 

 

 

[musicpoetry]

 

 

Hi musicpoetry. Thanks for sharing your situation. I'lltell you what I think of your situation based on my experience with christians-which continue to this day. Some Christians don’t speak about their beliefsvery often, and tend to be more accepting of other people’s beliefs. They keeptheir religious beliefs to themselves (for the most part) and realize that itis ultimately up to you to choose what you will believe. These tend to be moresecular Christians and I find that they are easier for me to get along with. Theymay do a variety of things that are “worldly.” They might smoke, curse, listento secular music as well as Christian music, even open themselves up to otherpeople’s thoughts and opinions about god(s), etc.

 

Other Christians can be more devout and tend to be moredetermined about converting those around them. They strongly believe that it istheir “god-given” duty to convert others around them. Sometimes they try toconvert you to Christianity when they first meet you, but other times they maytry to be more “sneaky” about it, and bring up the story of Jesus in anindirect manner. In my experience manyof these people can be very friendly at first, but when I continue to rejecttheir “Christian advances” it usually harms our friendship. I’ve had severalgood relationships turn “sour” because of this. Its not that we don’t getalong, its just that there is too much tension between us because deep downinside they view me as someone who is damned to hell for all eternity. I thinkmany of them start seeing me as an enemy as well, because many churches have an“us against them” mentality when it comes to non-christians. I’m not sayingthat your christian friends will do the same to you, nor am I saying that youshould abandon them. You should always try to hold on to good, close friends(they’re hard to find). However, I would recommend finding additional friends whoshare your beliefs about religion. Then you won’t have to worry about feeling awkward or notfitting in. Like florduh said, you shouldn't sacrifice your individuality.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Hi daedelus,

 

Thank you for your reply. One of my friendships has been harmed due to rejecting "Christian advances" as you mentioned. He was the one I met at the organization that served the homeless. He said, "I know you're an unbeliever (I hate that word! I feel like it implies I'm less of a person in a way) but you need to make a decision. Jesus loves you and he can heal you. He died for yo because he loves you. You need to decide if this is what you want god to be." To which I replied, "I don't believe in the bible." He then started talking about how every other religion is false which was offensive to me. I am not good at arguing my beliefs so I just didn't reply. He said, "you have to make a decision." He was frustrated with me. At that point I reached my stop on the subway and was glad to leave. I haven't spoken to him since.

 

I have some close friends from college who I can be myself around. They don't exactly share my beliefs because all of us have a different belief system from the other. So, they don't try to push their beliefs on me. We rarely talk about what we believe and I like it that way. I wished I had turned to these people when I was seriously considering Christianity but I didn't know what to say to them and I still don't know what I would have said then. I've confided that I don't believe in god but I don't think they're willing to believe it. They have faith that I will believe in god again. One friend said, once you become educated you stop believing in god, but once you're even more educated you start to believe in god again. That statement bothered me a little bit but I don't feel the same tension with them as I do with my other friends and I am very grateful for that. I can be as open as I want to be. I can be as goofy and stupid as I want, which I can't always do with my two childhood friends. My college friends are hard to keep in touch with as we're all in different places, but when we meet up it's great.

 

I feel like I've always been a reserved person, and it's nice to have my college friends to open up to. I once felt safe opening up to my childhood friends (the Christian ones) but I lost that when they told me I had become self-absorbed and that they weren't god and couldn't listen to my every problem. That hit me hard because I felt like I was pulling teeth to get them to talk about themselves. I've gone back to being reserved and I feel like I have to think about everything I say. I don't know why I feel the need to mention this. I guess I just miss the feeling of having that safe space with them. I am definitely going to try harder to keep in touch with my college friends.

[daedelus]

I don't blame you. I think most people here would agree with me that you're beautiful just the way you are. You don't need to dedicate your life to a man who supposedly lived 2000 years ago to be a good person. And you certainly don't deserve eternal punishment for it! You alone, as in without Jesus, are worth much more than to be punished like that. Hmmm, I wonder how many christians, if they were in god's shoes and were all powerful, would allow people to go to hell simply because they didn't believe that he died for them 2000 years ago? Probably not many, because most people are much more merciful than that.

 

I also can't stand it when someone pressures me to make an "on the spot" decision. When it comes to making important decisions, like buying something expensive, I know that its better to do research and get other opinions, then I can make a better, more informed decision about it. Yet this guy sounds like he wanted you to dedicate your ENTIRE LIFE to this story based on only his view. Doesn't that sound crazy?

 

Its good that you don't have christian parents. My parents are extremely fanatical about christianity, and I'm pretty sure they know that I'm not a christian anymore. It has put quite a strain on our relationship, so I'm really glad you don't have to deal with that.

[Mutate]

hindus are hot.

[musicpoetry]

I don't blame you. I think most people here would agree with me that you're beautiful just the way you are. You don't need to dedicate your life to a man who supposedly lived 2000 years ago to be a good person. And you certainly don't deserve eternal punishment for it! You alone, as in without Jesus, are worth much more than to be punished like that. Hmmm, I wonder how many christians, if they were in god's shoes and were all powerful, would allow people to go to hell simply because they didn't believe that he died for them 2000 years ago? Probably not many, because most people are much more merciful than that.

 

Thank you for saying that.

 

I also can't stand it when someone pressures me to make an "on the spot" decision. When it comes to making important decisions, like buying something expensive, I know that its better to do research and get other opinions, then I can make a better, more informed decision about it. Yet this guy sounds like he wanted you to dedicate your ENTIRE LIFE to this story based on only his view. Doesn't that sound crazy?

 

It does sound crazy! But many people have told me to make a decision based on faith alone, which is something I just can't do.

 

Its good that you don't have christian parents. My parents are extremely fanatical about christianity, and I'm pretty sure they know that I'm not a christian anymore. It has put quite a strain on our relationship, so I'm really glad you don't have to deal with that.

 

 

 

I can't imagine what it is like for you with your parents. I have heard some stories the other way around...about people converting to Christianity and losing all contact with their family. This is what I was afraid of when I considered Christianity. Even thinking about it was painful. I don't know what to say that I hope that things get better for you and your parents.

 

 

[musicpoetry]

hindus are hot.

 

LOL. If you say so.

[lunaticheathen]

Another thing I couldn't stand was the way they misrepresented Hinduism saying Hindus pray to witch doctors. I admit I don't know a lot about Hinduism but witch doctor? WTH? I walked out of the room and my director realized I was offended and tried to explain Jesus was the only one. I'm not sure why I was so offended. I've never been religious. Anyway, from then on I was done with Christianity.

 

Christians are very very good about misrepresenting other religions and cultures. You were right to be offended. The director insulted your culture and family. Fuck him.

[musicpoetry]

Another thing I couldn't stand was the way they misrepresented Hinduism saying Hindus pray to witch doctors. I admit I don't know a lot about Hinduism but witch doctor? WTH? I walked out of the room and my director realized I was offended and tried to explain Jesus was the only one. I'm not sure why I was so offended. I've never been religious. Anyway, from then on I was done with Christianity.

 

Christians are very very good about misrepresenting other religions and cultures. You were right to be offended. The director insulted your culture and family. Fuck him.

 

It was a shock to me because none of my Christian friends ever said anything like that. It used to be the other way around for me. I would misrepresent Indian people by saying stuff like in the "Indian culture..." when I really meant Hinduism because Indian people follow many different religions. I still feel bad about saying that.

[freespirit]

I'mnot sure I belong here. I am neither a Christian or an Ex-Christian but cameclose to becoming a Christian. This is going to be all over the place because Idon't even know where to start.

 

 

 

Iwas born Hindu but I was not brought up to be religious. I don't follow many ofthe customs that I am "supposed" to. I've even been taught todisagree with them. My parents say I don't have to go to the temple because godlives inside you. You can pray at home. All my friends refrain from eating meatand other foods during religious holidays but my family is vegetarian so Idon't know when I'm not supposed to. I didn't really think about god because itwasn't important to me. I didn't question it because I liked the idea ofreincarnation and Moksha. There really wasn't much to being a Hindu for me. NowI'm gonna go on to Christianity in my life.

 

 

 

WhenI was six years old. Someone knocked on the door and I opened it because mygrandparents were too sick. I got a pamphlet with the word HELL in orangeflames. I read that I could go to hell if I didn't believe in Jesus. I asked mydad if I could pray to Jesus because I didn't want to go to hell. He told methat all gods are the same and I could pray to Jesus but not to worry abouthell because we didn't believe in hell. I was confused but I was okay withthat. As I got a little older I understood the concept of different religions.All of my close friends were Christian, but it didn't matter because we werelittle and we didn't talk about religion. Then in middle school, my friendinvited me to her church. All I remember is sitting there and wondering whythis was service was so long. Then came high school and I learned aboutatheism. I made some friends who didn't believe in god. I was amazed, but Ifelt like was sinning even thinking about being an atheist because I knewKrishna could read all of my thoughts. But what if he couldn't? And wasn'treal? I thought about it and didn't go any further because it just didn'tmatter. I just thought it was strange to not believe in anything at all. WhileI was in high school I volunteered at an after school program in a church whereno one tried to convert me. I would feel uncomfortable during prayer but Iwasn't forced to pray with them. It was fine.

 

 

 

WhenI got to college I went to India to visit a place that I had wanted to go mywhole life because Krishna was born there. I don't know why it was so importantto me...maybe it was a way of connecting with my grandma. I used to watch aseries called 'Krishna' with her that explained Krishna's whole story. When shepassed away I stopped watching everything religious and now we were going toIndia to Krishna's birthplace. I thought I would reconnect with religionbecause when I died I would be reconnected with my grandparents. When we gotthere all I found were temples in which the Mahraj (sort of like a priest)would get angry at us for not donating money to their temple. The villagerswere not allowed in because they couldn't afford to donate. I was crushed. Iwas always taught the temple was open to everyone. How could god let thishappen? Who did these people think they were asking for money like that? Howcould we possibly donate to EVERY temple we visited?

 

ThenI got my period and when you get your period you're not allowed to go inbecause you're 'unclean.' my parents are not traditional and don't believe inthose customs, but another woman we were with found out and I couldn't go in oreat the holy offerings. What kind of crap was that? I was so angry at all ofthis and wondered if I believed in god. when I spoke to my dad about it he toldme all the rules are man made. I was still angry but I kept it to myself andeventually forgot about it for a while.

 

 

 

Duringthis time my friends started listening to Christian music in the car. Again Iwas uncomfortable, but didn't say anything. I went to them with events...moreuncomfortable when they prayed and asked everyone to close their eyes and raisetheir hands if they wanted to learn more about Jesus. My heart would beat sofast because I felt like they were all looking at me and waiting for me to dosomething and I wouldn't and I felt so guilty for not going up to them. But howcould I? I was Hindu. I already had a god. Why did I need to learn about Jesus.This happened a couple of times at my friends church. There was one time I wentto Sunday school with her and when the pastor prayed I decided I would bow myhead and close my eyes. My heart was pounding and I was shaking like somethingwas telling me not to do this. This reminded me of something I vaguelyremembered about holy ghost in you or the devil trying to keep you from god. Iwondered if the holy ghost was in me and I had rejected god. I felt so guiltybut at the same time I thought, 'it doesn't matter, I'm Hindu.' I was soconflicted and I didn't know if I was doing the right thing. I did not tell myfriends about this experience when they asked if I was uncomfortable. I justsaid yes, I felt like I didn't belong there. I didn't know what to think or whoto talk to. I couldn't talk to my parents; it would hurt them. So I kept it tomyself.

 

 

 

Lateron, maybe third year of college a person in my class asked me to fill out aform for his club (Christian club). I had a chance to win a free something Ican’t remember so I thought why not? We became friends and he started asking meabout my beliefs and asking me why I believed what I believe. i said thingslike god is in everything. he's inside you and it's okay to pray alone. Butthere were so many questions i couldn't answer like do you know god? What thehell did that mean? Then he convinced me to go to the meeting room where allthe members hung out between classes. They were all curious about my beliefsand asked questions. Again they asked me if I knew god and had a relationshipwith me. I started to feel like something was wrong with me because I didn’thave a relationship with god. I tried to find something in Hinduism where wehad that and I couldn’t find it and I started to get scared that what I feltthat time at my friends church was god trying to call me. I started going tomeetings to see what this was all about and they talked about a god that lovedyou and always stood by you. I wanted that but I didn’t want to leave Hinduism.But they convinced me Hinduism was wrong and I had to change. Then I had allthese questions. Why is my religion wrong and theirs right? Is there a rightreligion? I was confused and scared. My parents raised me Hindu. How could Ichange? What would I tell them? If all gods were the same then why were thesepeople saying there was only one way? All of this made me anxious for months.

 

 

 

Myfriends kept pushing me to make a decision but that would mean hurting myparents who had gone through so much for me. They raised me, went in to debtfor me, made sacrifices for me. To that my friends would say, you’re going toreject god for your parents? I would feel so guilty about it, but I decided Iwouldn’t convert because my parents mattered more to me. I couldn’t see god…Icould see my parents, what they felt, and their pain. I couldn’t see god’s pain(of course because I didn’t know god). I didn’t want to have faith in a godthat I didn’t know. I felt guilty for almost a year. Then sometime last year Ididn’t believe in religion at all. If religion keeps you away from your familyit’s not worth it. My family means more to me than anything else. We may be alittle dysfunctional, but they have always been there for me. When they sensedI was moving towards Christianity they told me not to go towards Christianitybecause I was Hindu; I saw it was scaring them. I didn’t want to cause them anypain when I didn’t even know if what I doing was right. But when I told them Ididn’t believe in god, they were okay with that. No arguments, no hurt. Theyask me to come to say some prayers every now and then, which I am fine with. Idon’t feel uncomfortable when I go to the temple (we rarely go), but I missbelieving in something. Not to watch over us, because I believe we should havefaith in ourselves, but I have always wanted to reconnect with my grandparentsafter I died and it’s upsetting to know that that won’t happen. I probablyhaven’t done the amount of research many of you have on religion, but I’m tiredof reading and tired of obsessing over this. I’m done for now. I miss thefeeling of not caring whether god exists or not.

 

 

 

I’msorry this was so long. I just needed to get this out somewhere because I wasn’table to talk about my decisions about Christianity to anyone (my parents hadonly sensed it). If you got through this, thank you for reading.

 

Hi MusicPoetry! Welcome! I enjoyed reading your story because it is so different from mine. I do think you belong here though. If you think you can gain from the forum, you belong here!

 

The main thing I was thinking is no matter what you believe, don't give up hope in being reunited with your grandparents. You don't know what will happen after death, so don't give up hope for it.

[Kaiser01]

welcome to Ex- C, i liked your story very difrent from mine.

 

one of the reasons you would feel like your being "convicted" by christianity is that christianity is very good at influencing people, there is a reason there are so many of them. it is usualy done through emotional music or some sort of munipulation by words. if you have ever been to a protostant church you will notice that at the invitation they allways play slow emotional music to swell a "feeling" of the holy spirit in their heads.

[musicpoetry]

Hi MusicPoetry! Welcome! I enjoyed reading your story because it is so different from mine. I do think you belong here though. If you think you can gain from the forum, you belong here!

 

The main thing I was thinking is no matter what you believe, don't give up hope in being reunited with your grandparents. You don't know what will happen after death, so don't give up hope for it.

Thank you freespirit! I have read many posts here that I feel like I can relate to, although I don't think I've been through as much as many of you have.

You're right. We have no idea what happens after death, but I don't have that hope anymore and it hurts. I've had strange dreams about my grandparents. Dreams that they never died where I was a kid again and I was running around them...a dream where I reunited with them in a grassy field with flowers. The strangest dream was my uncle hiding my grandma for seven years in his old home in Virginia. I saw her coming down the stairs and smiling at everyone. She was alive! I was so happy that she hadn't died. She had just been away for a few years. She was there and I could talk to her again. I didn't even think about what she may have been doing the past seven years or why she decided to keep it a secret that she was alive. I was just happy.

welcome to Ex- C, i liked your story very difrent from mine.

one of the reasons you would feel like your being "convicted" by christianity is that christianity is very good at influencing people, there is a reason there are so many of them. it is usualy done through emotional music or some sort of munipulation by words. if you have ever been to a protostant church you will notice that at the invitation they allways play slow emotional music to swell a "feeling" of the holy spirit in their heads

Thank you!

That is so true. The music I have listened to at club meetings and at protestant churches would always touch me emotionally. When people gave testimonies or speeches on God their voice would be kind of soothing every time they said the words 'God' or 'Jesus'.

Speaking of manipulating words, my friend is very good at apologetics and I always felt intellectually stupid when I tried to defend my beliefs at the time. He is well read and everything I've learned about Hinduism I've learned through what my parents or temple teachers and priests taught me. I can't read the original texts because I don't know to read the language. Some of the translations I've read seem to have been written with a Christian viewpoint so I don't trust them to be accurate. So I stopped arguing against it and it felt like he was right and I was wrong because he argued well.

[LivingLife]

Xian apologists seldom bring anything original into a discussion, They will always first try to shoot your philosophy down and convince you they have the better option.

 

They really have nothing tangible to support their beliefs/bible except anecdotal evidence and scare tactics. Most have not been exposed to any other culture except their own.

[reluctantagn]

Thank you for writing this. It seems to me that in India, along with quite a few other places, the culture and the religion are pretty much the same thing. That used to be true of most of America and still is in some places. You might point out that no matter what religion you embrace or reject, any DNA test done on you is going to determine your ancestors come from a place called India. Therefore, you are an Indian. As for Christians, I would challenge them to apply the same critical thinking which they so effectively use to debunk other beliefs on themselves. The truth is that there were many religions around before Judaism and Christianity came along, Judaism borrows some of its beliefs from other religions that were around when it formed. The Bible is a big mass of contradictory and inconsistent writings, and the Bible does not line up very well with history or science. ThunderfOOt and other sources on Youtube, have a lot of material on these types of subjects. Anyway, have a good day, week, year, ext.