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I've Almost Completely Forgotten


dB-Paradox
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When thinking back on my Christian days, it's becoming harder and harder to remember what it was like being a Christian. I remember what I believed and why, and I often hang my head in shame, but I am having a hard time remembering the feelings associated with those beliefs. The old life has passed away and all I have are memories which are fading with each passing day. I try to remember the fear as I was deconverting, and it's a strain to do so. I try to remember the passion and love I had for Jesus as my god, and I am only ashamed of how I could have had such a belief. My new life has almost completely replaced my old one. It's like trying to remember the fear I had of monsters as a child, and only laughing about it today. I could never fear monsters today the way I did as a child. Remembering childhood experiences from an adult perspective is never the same as having experiencing them the first time around. There's no way to go back to being a child once you grow up. Likewise, I don't know if there's a way to truly go back to a theistic life after truly "growing up". Does anyone else feel (or have already felt) the forgetfulness setting in?

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I have a hard time remembering what it was like, too. When I went to Texas last for my grandpa's funeral, it was all so strange. I remember years ago desparately begging god to prove his existence to me. I really wanted christianity to be true, despite knowing that it couldn't be. But my memory is a factual knowledge about how I felt. I can't remember on an emotional level. In some ways, it's almost like it was a different person altogether who went through all that.

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One of the gifts the universe has chosen to give me is a crystal clear memory, especially an emotional one. I remember every ounce of pain, disappointment, shame, guilt and anxiety christianity put me through. Having such a brilliant memory means that pain and shit don't fade for me over time. I just learn how to live with it :)

 

Along with realising christianity was crap, I also realised people are crap. Nice double whammy. Christians I can escape from, people I can't. It's like a gift that keeps on giving.

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I still remember, over 10 years later. But mostly I remember the pain I went through trying to be something I'm not. And the pain of christians treating me like shit, and the pain of not fitting in, and begging this god to make me believe as they did.

I wish I could forget.

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When thinking back on my Christian days, it's becoming harder and harder to remember what it was like being a Christian. I remember what I believed and why, and I often hang my head in shame, but I am having a hard time remembering the feelings associated with those beliefs. The old life has passed away and all I have are memories which are fading with each passing day. I try to remember the fear as I was deconverting, and it's a strain to do so. I try to remember the passion and love I had for Jesus as my god, and I am only ashamed of how I could have had such a belief. My new life has almost completely replaced my old one. It's like trying to remember the fear I had of monsters as a child, and only laughing about it today. I could never fear monsters today the way I did as a child. Remembering childhood experiences from an adult perspective is never the same as having experiencing them the first time around. There's no way to go back to being a child once you grow up. Likewise, I don't know if there's a way to truly go back to a theistic life after truly "growing up". Does anyone else feel (or have already felt) the forgetfulness setting in?

 

I must say dB that it is getting easier for me .The fear I felt when I joined here back in Dec. was huge. The prayer is ceasing, the guilt is leaving, the anger is dissipating and some days I really do feel OK without god. I have had so many great teachers on this site to help me through. I have decided that I still like the word,'blessed'. A blessing, can also be used to refer to bestowing,(to present a gift to somebody.).

 

So when I say I have been 'blessed' on this site from all your gifts and friendships - I mean it.

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I have a hard time remembering what it was like, too. When I went to Texas last for my grandpa's funeral, it was all so strange. I remember years ago desparately begging god to prove his existence to me. I really wanted christianity to be true, despite knowing that it couldn't be. But my memory is a factual knowledge about how I felt. I can't remember on an emotional level. In some ways, it's almost like it was a different person altogether who went through all that.

 

THIS!!! Yes, you articulated exactly what I meant, especially the last sentence. Thank you!!!

 

And I truly do feel sorry for those who still remember the pain so vividly.

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It's been a long time since I believed. The fear of eternal damnation is gone, as is the rest. I haven't experienced it in years. It's not possible for me to return to it, just as I can't believe in the fogmonsters I was told about and so feared. Driving down country roads, I used to fear they'd come out, now i can hardly imagine it, just deer and the like that i've seen before. When you move on, you leave it behind, but sometimes and or something you don't.

 

I still remember how it felt. I remember, because of the various spiritualities i've had. I remember my fundamentalist days the best of other christianities, because I was christian so dang long ago (my mid teens), that only the scarier memories persist. Like what it was like to beg God to change me, to make me be like the rest of the Good Christian Straight Men.

 

I've studied all religions. I was wiccan, "Agnostic TM", agnostic, etc... Barely remember being wiccan. But I remember being a pagan, worshipping the gods of Babylon, it was like having imaginary friends. I've lost the ability to believe and fear it. I remember it though for the most part. But I'll admit, it's slowly fading into the past, following fogmosters, vampires (the fogmonsters replaced them), and ghosts (well... less of a fear, more of something my overactive imagination allowed me to temporarily believe while ghost hunting).

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Last year I was in church for the first time in 9 years, watching an easter play at the request of my sister, who was dancing in it. It was a what-if scenario about the swine/bird/monkey/demon flu where it was a lot worse than what it actually turned out to be. A little boy had antibodies that could be used to formulate a more effective vaccine but harvesting them required him to die. You see the parallels with the Jesus story here. Anyway, when the play was over, I was so significantly un-moved by this that I got to wondering how anyone in the church really believed this, much less took it seriously. It was like I had a faith-force-field around me that prevented any proselytization attempts from taking hold.

 

So yeah, I know how you feel.

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I remember what it was like to be a fundamentalist Christian but I don't identify with it anymore. The parts that are wrong (like condemning anyone who doesn't believe like they do) makes me angry and want show them how small-minded and bigoted they are. I guess part of that is being angry at myself for once being that way. Then other times I feel sorry for them because I know they're brainwashed into it, but it doesn't excuse bad actions.

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In my day to day life I don't remember it, and I don't think about it anything like as much. There was a point where it all consumed me day in day out - thankfully that has passed. However I can still 'conjure up' emotions and, for example, as O'm still having therapy, sometimes it all comes flooding back. The good thing is that I can turn it off now - it no longer pins me down.

 

Because I can remember and empathis with Christians I too can feel compassion and understanding for them and my family still talk to me about their church 'issues' etc and I can still advise from a christian perspective if needs be.

 

That said, I do look back and think how utterly different I was, and how much more 'together' and content I am now. Thank gawd!!

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Me too. After I found this site I would spend a lot of time discussing my experience and reading others' posts. There was a process of mentally going through all the past thoughts and points of view. There was a lot of processing to do.

 

However, now I go through the day and while it is never far from my memory, I don't think deeply about it and wonder why I got sucked into religion.

 

I'm free from xtianity. The experience no longer owns me - I own the experience.

 

Mongo

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I doubt that I will ever truly forget, but like Mongo, the experience no longer affects my day to day life. It is a distant memory, much like an old friendship years in the past (just with less fondness attached to it). I've been back home, and other than the annoyance, I felt no "urge" to return to my old ways or to change my views. And all I really need to do is take a few seconds to remember all the shit that went along with it (which, in my life, there was far more of) and any possible happy thoughts I may have had in relation to it are vanquished. My memory does not endear me to my past unlike some people I know.

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Whenever I reminisce about my fundy days and cannot quite remember what a freaking tard I was, i go to my fundy friend's web page and read his comments and praise reports. It reminds me why I escaped the cult of the cross. Time has erased much of my memories of those days or at least makes the memories less painful to think about. I just shudder at the thought of giving up my mind again.

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Reading through these posts, I'm quite happy that I deconverted at such a young age (I was around 14 when I deconverted, and I'm 19 now)

 

 

It seems like deprogramming at that age is far easier an affair. I was honestly over Christianity by my Sophomore year of high school

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Reading through these posts, I'm quite happy that I deconverted at such a young age (I was around 14 when I deconverted, and I'm 19 now)

 

 

It seems like deprogramming at that age is far easier an affair. I was honestly over Christianity by my Sophomore year of high school

 

Thank you for sharing. Your story and many others like it give me hope for our future. Today's youth have so much more access to information and better reasoning ability than recent generations. I grew up in the church and was skeptic for most of my adolescent years but had no choice but to believe because I had no access to information that would tell me otherwise. I'm now 32 and deconverted just over the last few months.

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Reading through these posts, I'm quite happy that I deconverted at such a young age (I was around 14 when I deconverted, and I'm 19 now)

 

 

It seems like deprogramming at that age is far easier an affair. I was honestly over Christianity by my Sophomore year of high school

 

To be honest I think at the age of 14 it's more about decision making that de-converting. Not that I'm saying you didn't believe and hadn't been brought up in xian world, but for me and the majority of my xian friends it's around the age of 13/14 that you either really get into xianity or you drift away from it. I think it *is* a good time to lose your faith and no longer have much church involvement. For me if I'd walked away at 14 I wouldn't really have had much deprogramming and deconverting to do. It was in my mid to late teen years where I became super sucked into all the Penty and Fundy bullshit.

 

I really wish I'd got out of it before then!

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Thank goodness my time in the Christian cult (Mormon to be exact) was so short and so long ago. It lasted from age 16 to 17 and that was 33 years ago.

 

I vividly remember wanting to believe it all. I tried very hard to do everything I was told to bolster my faith, but I kept wondering why it was supposed to work that way. Why spend so much one’s life wasted on such an endeavor when there are so many important things I could be doing? I may even have convinced myself that I did believe. I can remember being defensive when someone would challenge my beliefs. And yet I also remember praying and feeling like no one was ever listening.

 

Just before leaving the faith I remember a class where our Bishop was telling us about that “little small voice in our heads” and how that was God speaking to me. That talk was not yet the one that broke the camel’s back and set me away for good, but it was getting close. Are you kidding me? I can make that ‘little small voice in my head’ say anything I want. It is what tells me to get another piece of pie and I am supposed to have faith in it?

 

The day I recognized that no one was in my head but me was the day I left.

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