agnosticator Posted July 22, 2011 Share Posted July 22, 2011 She will bow out and it will bug the shit out of me because I know she will think I am destined to hell!! I need to get over giving a shit!!!!!! How does one become stoic!!!!!!!! Every time I was shunned by supposed friends, I felt really bad. I cared about what they thought of me, as you care about what your christian friends think of you. But you also genuinely care about her and the others, so it would be difficult to become stoic. It comes easily to people who don't genuinely care about others. They can drop friends like they drop leftovers in the trash, so they don't give a shit what the garbage thinks of them. You valued their friendship more than they did, and would be willing to continue it regardless of what they believe, so that's why it's hard to become indifferent. Time changed my caring into indifference, and it will do so for you. But it's difficult to see now. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Deva Posted July 22, 2011 Share Posted July 22, 2011 This thread is about friends, but allow me to digress: It would be so easy if I didn't care what other people thought of me. It would be fantastic if my parents thinking I am going to hell unless I am a fundamentalist Baptist didn't matter. BUT IT DOES. What Joe or Jane on the street think about my non-Christianity doesn't matter at all. I don't care. They haven't invested in me, or my care. My parents raised and educated me. They paid for college for me. They cared. My parents are not Joe or Jane. I love them, care about them deeply, and have tried to be a person they would say they are proud of. That will not happen. I am not going to please them in this one thing that matters so much to them. Anyone else who has not invested in me to the same extent isn't worth worrying about. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Super Moderator florduh Posted July 22, 2011 Super Moderator Share Posted July 22, 2011 I love them, care about them deeply, and have tried to be a person they would say they are proud of. That will not happen. I am not going to please them in this one thing that matters so much to them. I certainly never pleased my father in the area that was most important to him. I hated to see him so unhappy over the situation, but I realized that I didn't do it to him, he did it to himself. It wasn't within my power to meet what was an unreasonable and impossible demand on me. Still, I felt sorry for him, as I'm sure he did for me. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
atheisteh Posted July 22, 2011 Share Posted July 22, 2011 Margee, Thanks for sharing your situation, it is a tough one. My two cents on this situation is as follows. A friendship of 35 years is a big deal, and it is understandable how hard it is to tell her your new beliefs given they are so foundational to your relationship with her. But, consider a couple of things. Firstly, what is the relationship worth if you're being that dishonest with her (I don't mean that you're being deliberately dishonest, you find yourself in an impossible situation, but the relationship is no longer based on openness and honesty). Secondly, the longer you leave this, the harder it will be for her (and for you) once she does find out. Can you imagine her reaction down the road: "Oh my God, you've been lying to me for the past 2, 3, 5, 10 years????!!!!" It is virtually impossible to maintain Christian friendships once you leave the religion. Do not hold out hope that there is some way she will understand and accept you. You know this is true. You are not doing her any favors by hiding who you really are. Tell her. BUT...having said all that, maybe the timing is not great, with the death of her dad etc. Find the right moment, and maybe consider having someone else present when you actually tell her. You never know how nasty this could get. As for sliding back into the faith, keep thinking rationally, and keep reading everything. Don't let fear chase you back to ignorance. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Super Moderator florduh Posted July 22, 2011 Super Moderator Share Posted July 22, 2011 Nice first post, atheisteh. Welcome. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderator Margee Posted July 22, 2011 Author Moderator Share Posted July 22, 2011 Margee, Thanks for sharing your situation, it is a tough one. My two cents on this situation is as follows. A friendship of 35 years is a big deal, and it is understandable how hard it is to tell her your new beliefs given they are so foundational to your relationship with her. But, consider a couple of things. Firstly, what is the relationship worth if you're being that dishonest with her (I don't mean that you're being deliberately dishonest, you find yourself in an impossible situation, but the relationship is no longer based on openness and honesty). Secondly, the longer you leave this, the harder it will be for her (and for you) once she does find out. Can you imagine her reaction down the road: "Oh my God, you've been lying to me for the past 2, 3, 5, 10 years????!!!!" It is virtually impossible to maintain Christian friendships once you leave the religion. Do not hold out hope that there is some way she will understand and accept you. You know this is true. You are not doing her any favors by hiding who you really are. Tell her. BUT...having said all that, maybe the timing is not great, with the death of her dad etc. Find the right moment, and maybe consider having someone else present when you actually tell her. You never know how nasty this could get. As for sliding back into the faith, keep thinking rationally, and keep reading everything. Don't let fear chase you back to ignorance. Welcome atheisteh ! Ya -hooo, another Canadian!! I noticed the last 2 letters of your name, eh? Thank you for that reply. Very well thought out and you are right - the timing must be perfect. I fully plan on telling this pastor's wife within the next couple of months. She is the biggest roadblock to my freedom because I was saved at her church when I was 20 years old (almost 37 years now!!) She only knows me as a born again christian. God, when she hears I am a 'non believer'.............I am nervous about this, but ready to do it. I cannot lie to her anymore. Hope to hear more from you atheisteh, eh? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
atheisteh Posted July 22, 2011 Share Posted July 22, 2011 Thanks Margee and florduh for the welcome. It took me a long time to realize that there were so many other people out there like me. I always knew there were lots of non-Christians, but didn't realize there were so many ex-Christians, to whom I feel I can relate well. I had another thought about your situation. Perhaps it's worth not simply dropping a bomb on your friend, but more gradually bringing her to your reality. (I guess you've started doing that by talking about your hypothetical non-believer "friend"). I guess all I mean is that, if she sees that you're still the same caring person that you've always been, perhaps it won't be so hard for her. I think Christians tend to hear about someone losing their faith, and the only available explanation to them is that the person must be influenced by Satan. If you drop a bomb all at one, then she will certainly go that route. But if she sees you as the same person who has simply changed her beliefs, then MAYBE not. I don't know...it's a brutal situation and the nature of the relationship probably means the only option is ending it. This whole situation interests me at a personal level too because I have not told anyone in my extended family (i.e. parents and siblings) about my beliefs, or lack thereof. Some of them, including my father and my brother, are likely to take it very hard. I feel in much the same situation as yourself in some ways. Only advantage is that I don't live anywhere near them and see them only rarely which makes it easier. Another Canadian...nice. Where are you in Canada? I wanted to make my username "atheist, eh" but it wouldn't work! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
atheisteh Posted July 22, 2011 Share Posted July 22, 2011 Oh yeah, I remembered one other thing I was going to say. I know you've been friends with her for 35 years, but if you imagine the nature of the relationship after you tell her the truth, do you really think you're still going to want to be friends with her? You know what the "friendship" would be like. Her constantly praying for you and trying to convince you to re-convert. And every conversation you ever have with her would focus (from her point of view) around God. What kind of friendship would that really be? If you've moved on from Christianity for real, then probably the relationship isn't going to have much meaning for you anymore. Sad but true. I know it's hard after 35 years, but... 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Super Moderator buffettphan Posted July 22, 2011 Super Moderator Share Posted July 22, 2011 What kind of friendship would that really be? If you've moved on from Christianity for real, then probably the relationship isn't going to have much meaning for you anymore. Sad but true. I know it's hard after 35 years, but... THAT is an excellent point. Being around people who "praize jeebus" every 2 minutes or for finding them a good spot in the parking lot gets on my nerves. I really don't want to be around my former friends (or religious family members, for that matter) and now I don't care if they don't want to be around me. Their loss. Here's to new friends.... and sanity! Welcome, atheisteh! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SillyString Posted July 22, 2011 Share Posted July 22, 2011 Hey Margee. Just wanted to say that from what I've read from all of your posts here on the site, you seem like such a loving and caring person. If this person did disown you as a friend if you told her you were no longer a Christian, it would be her loss. That's the truth, but it's a hard truth to accept because loving, caring people always try to see things from the other person's point of view before acting. You were once a Christian yourself, and you know the thoughts you used to have about those who didn't believe, so you can most definitely put yourself in her shoes. I'd even say that if the situation was reversed, you would have still been a friend to her. A true friend would love you and be there for you no matter what, and would always accept you for who you really are. Those are the kind that you want to keep around. I'll have to go through this myself, because I'm not open about my atheism yet. It would really shock and hurt a lot of people that I love. I think that even though they would be hurt, those who truly loved and cared for me would still be there, and that's what matters. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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