dB-Paradox Posted July 16, 2011 Share Posted July 16, 2011 I don't rant very often, but I'm going to today!!! This is about freedom of speech and oppression of said freedom. Not just in a religious sense, but that definitely has me frustrated, too. My wife doesn't like my family. I don't really blame her...I'm not so fond of them myself. Regardless, they are family. However, my wife has not gone to a family function on my side for the last year or so. This includes all major holiday gatherings, birthdays, and such. She freely expresses how they are annoying and make her uncomfortable. Here lies part one of the rant... If I tell her she shouldn't talk about my family that way, she gets pissed at me for taking their side. SERIOUSLY??? And if I tell her I don't want to go to her family gatherings because her dad has to ALWAYS include god in the conversation somewhere, she gets pissed. So, because I'm a passive fucking loser, I don't bother with trying to convince her to join me at my family gatherings, and I make sure to join her at her family gatherings. I'm pissing blood! Okay, so here lies the other part. I told her it's not fair that I should just have to listen to her family brag about their blood-thirsty god whilst saying nothing in return...and she says to me, "Well, we're all Christian so you have to respect our beliefs"!!! SERIOUSLY??????? So, I'm fucked if I do, and I'm fucked if I don't. Okay, I'm done. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LivingLife Posted July 16, 2011 Share Posted July 16, 2011 I do not know the details of your situation but I think I would tell her to STFU and not go. Let her go alone. 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Noumena Posted July 16, 2011 Share Posted July 16, 2011 She is married to YOU, right? Not your family. And Vice Versa. What contributions are either of the in-laws making in your's/her personal life? If grand children are involved this would be a different argument all-together ....so dismiss these comments if that does apply. I think she shouldn't talk disrespectfully about your parents/her in-laws, but her stating that she is annoyed and uncomfortable around them doesn't seem disrespectful to me. I think that the expectations for husbands/wives to have a close and happy relationship with their in-laws is unreasonable. No one can force anyone else to be in a relationship...this includes in-laws. Trying to set an example of how you are accepting of the fact that even if you find her dad/your father-in-law unbearable, you are still willing to interact with him and the fam~~ will not work. As much as you have the right to say "I'd rather not", so does she. And I wouldn't accept a guilt trip from her if you make that stand. Nor would I put a guilt trip on her. 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderator Margee Posted July 16, 2011 Moderator Share Posted July 16, 2011 I don't rant very often, but I'm going to today!!! This is about freedom of speech and oppression of said freedom. Not just in a religious sense, but that definitely has me frustrated, too. My wife doesn't like my family. I don't really blame her...I'm not so fond of them myself. Regardless, they are family. However, my wife has not gone to a family function on my side for the last year or so. This includes all major holiday gatherings, birthdays, and such. She freely expresses how they are annoying and make her uncomfortable. Here lies part one of the rant... If I tell her she shouldn't talk about my family that way, she gets pissed at me for taking their side. SERIOUSLY??? And if I tell her I don't want to go to her family gatherings because her dad has to ALWAYS include god in the conversation somewhere, she gets pissed. So, because I'm a passive fucking loser, I don't bother with trying to convince her to join me at my family gatherings, and I make sure to join her at her family gatherings. I'm pissing blood! Okay, so here lies the other part. I told her it's not fair that I should just have to listen to her family brag about their blood-thirsty god whilst saying nothing in return...and she says to me, "Well, we're all Christian so you have to respect our beliefs"!!! SERIOUSLY??????? So, I'm fucked if I do, and I'm fucked if I don't. Okay, I'm done. eh dB! Everybody's fightin', eh? Not good. There must be a way for you 2 to get some common ground on this. It's a funny thing that I can run down someone in the family all I want, but as soon as someone else wants to tear them apart - I jump right in to their defense!! Human nature somehow......... Maybe when everyone's in a good mood - you can find some ways to compromise on this issue. I read a book one time that said to always do this when everyones in a better state of mind. Timing is everything. I 'm still not good at it, but I'm tryin'. I know you're a smart person - You"ll get this worked out. Sometimes we just need to do things out of respect (when it's family).Of course, unless everybody's interfering in your life........ That's a different matter. If it's just a matter of going for a sunday dinner every now and again, sounds like you guys got to find a way to support one another............... Best to you, my friend Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
allmyfriendsaretheistlol Posted July 16, 2011 Share Posted July 16, 2011 Everyone knows I’m an Atheist, wife, family, friends, even religious nutballs who knock on my front door, I let people know RIGHT UP FRONT, I don’t believe in there magic man or man made bible BS. So Until you (Draw that line in the sand) for ALL to see and stand up yourself as a thinking logical individual Im afraid your just going to, SERIOUSLY,,, Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Galien Posted July 16, 2011 Share Posted July 16, 2011 Luckily I'm at the age now where I don't have to do anything out of duty. If people annoy me, I just tell them. I'm too old now to put up with other people's rubbish. Of course, I am as popular as a pork chop in Jerusalem, but I don't have to listen to endless hours of crap. At some point you have to take a stand. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
R. S. Martin Posted July 16, 2011 Share Posted July 16, 2011 and she says to me, "Well, we're all Christian so you have to respect our beliefs"!!! I'm atheist so you have to respect my beliefs!!! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
R. S. Martin Posted July 16, 2011 Share Posted July 16, 2011 Of course, I can see things going in all kinds of directions if you request to have your beliefs respected. One of them is, "Atheists don't have any beliefs." Perhaps not, but most of us do have values. Something many of us value is personal integrity or honesty about sticking to that which we know is real, about not making statements about a guy in the sky when there is no evidence forthcoming of his existence. Obviously, I don't need to tell you that things could get ugly if you choose to go down the route of "debate." One way or another, I demand to have my beliefs respected if my presence is valued. If they cannot respect my beliefs then I remove my presence. I personally value discussion in order to test all possible avenues, though there seem to be none at the end of the day for me. If it's your wife and you value that relationship...As the cliche goes, only you can make that decision. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
stryper Posted July 17, 2011 Share Posted July 17, 2011 Change the S to and H and you'll have part of my advice. You married her and her you. If she refuses to respect your family and expects you to be something you're not around hers, then to me that says there is a fundamental issue that needs to be addressed. I'll leave you with this humour.... Explicit Language Explicit Language Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dichotomy Posted July 17, 2011 Share Posted July 17, 2011 My father was a crap father and husband, he was a mean alcoholic and made my childhood very unhappy. If I criticise and complain about him, my mum *still* defends him and doesn't like it - which makes me angry. If my husband criticises an complains about him *I* defend him and don't like it and tell my OH to STFU - which makes him angry. Thus is the way of life. I fully understand why I and the others react like this in these situations - it's just normal. Perhaps you *and* you wife need to just accept that? However, if she refuses to go to your family doos then I think that you have every right to refuse to go to hers. Can I ask what it is about her family talking about God that annoys you so much? Are they trying to debate, argue and convert you or are they just talking about their lives? I would never allow my family to try and argue with me and my husband or to try and guilt trip us into being christians etc. and we don't ever challenge their beliefs or begin a debate with them, but I fully expect them to talk about church and god when I'm with them because it is part of who they are! My mum still talks to me about what god's been telling her recently etc. and I still listen like I always have done. It really doesn't bother me at all. You just seem so angry so much of the time db, it can't be good for you. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dichotomy Posted July 17, 2011 Share Posted July 17, 2011 and she says to me, "Well, we're all Christian so you have to respect our beliefs"!!! I'm atheist so you have to respect my beliefs!!! I think this is where problem begin. We do not have to respect their beliefs and they do not have to respect ours - in fact it's almost impossible to ask either party to do this. *But* we should respect each other as people and accept that whilst we may have different beliefs to ourselves this does not make either party disagreeable, or wrong, or bad/lesser people to be frowned upon and challenged or despised. You can disagree with someone fervently and still have a healthy, respectful attitude and relationship with one another. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LivingLife Posted July 17, 2011 Share Posted July 17, 2011 We do not have to respect their beliefs and they do not have to respect ours - in fact it's almost impossible to ask either party to do this. This is so true. In normal conversation, it can go anywhere and folk hear what they want to hear. In a forum discussion, you can collect your thoughts, proof read and then post. The reader reads in silence and if you have articulated yourself well, it has more impact. I have never said anyone was stupid to their face for believing, how can I if I once was in their shoes? What I do find is that folk tend to take offense on forums as what they read is what they read and then they see it as an affront on them personally. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RubberDuck Posted July 17, 2011 Share Posted July 17, 2011 Everything in marraige is a two way street. You're choosing to let her get away with using the excuse of your family making her uncomfortable as a reason to not attend family gatherings, but somehow this excuse is not an acceptable reason for you to not attend her family functions. If you'd rather be passive to avoid confrontation, that's your choice, but this is obviously bothering you and it's a black and white issue. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dB-Paradox Posted July 17, 2011 Author Share Posted July 17, 2011 Okay, so my wife joined me yesterday at my family function. YAY! However, we got on the subject of gays, and naturally I was the only one present to defend them. My family doesn't usually talk about such subjects but at least when they do, I can have a voice. This is why it annoys me so much when my in-laws talk about such things (and they always do) because there, I DON'T have a voice. There is a "hush hush" policy when it comes to discussing "controversial" matters, and that includes about 90% of what would come out of my mouth. You see, my wife's family is a very strict old fashioned Mennonite family. So, when atheists are bashed, or gays are bashed, or anything at all that I disagree with is brought up...I simply STFU! I HATE it!!! I've tried talking about my atheism before, but it quickly gets snuffed out. The 'no controversial policy'! Oh, we wouldn't want to infect the minds of the teenage boys listening to us talk! Yes, that's right...TEENAGE boys being treated like 5 year olds! Anyway, yesterday was a breakthrough between my wife and I and my family. Now, just to open up the communication on her side.... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dichotomy Posted July 17, 2011 Share Posted July 17, 2011 Glad to hear something positive has happened, even if only a small thing. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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