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Wishing For God


Margee
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As I sit at my computer this morning, I feel as if I must be in the last stages of deconverting. I just made a reply to one of my own posts and as I was making it - this question came to my mind....Why do I still hold on to 'a small thread' that I won't cut and still insist on wishing for god?

 

Why do we need or wish for god?

 

In order to put my thoughts down, I would have to tell you a little more about me, so I will.... to get this 'monkey off my back'. For those that read this - I thank you because I need your help. I am not going to say these things to make you feel sorry for me, that is not my purpose. Even with the somewhat shitty life that I have had, I am very grateful to have not been born in another part of the world where the poverty is so bad, you starve..... minute by minite...... to death. And I am always grateful for the good times I have had in my life.

 

Why is it that some of us still want god? Prayer didn't work for me. Oh - I thought it did sometimes...........

I have prayed for many, many years for god to change different circumstances for me and he didn't. Even to make me different.

 

Obviously, I don't need god to protect me. As far as I can see, during my lifetime - he didn't protect me from anything. Not even from the devil. Why wouldn't god protect you from the devil he could have control over? Or from the dirty old men in our family. Right up to 3 months ago when I had a car accident that has definitely affected my back and impacted my life right now - he didn't protect me..

 

He did not protect me from coming from a divorced, alcoholic home and a mom and dad who constantly fought. He didn't protect me from having a dad move far away that I would not have a 'daddy' when growing up.

 

He didn't protect me ( how I would feel) or my beautiful cat, when he got caught in the fan of a car the day before x-mas when I was 8 years old. I can still see the blood in the snowbank right to this day.

 

He didn't protect me from living a life where I would have to work so hard. I was forced to get a job at 12 years old to help my mom out. (This is why I feel so tired today, cause I feel as if I have worked forever) He didn't protect me when my only sister, who was just 11 months younger than me died from a brain aneurysm, (she was my best friend) or from a husband walking out the door when I needed him most. (with her 2 dear children to bring up) I remember taping his picture on the inside cover of my bible and praying over it for 8 months, for god to bring him home. I have not seen him since the day he walked out the door.......

 

He didn't protect me from 5 miscarriages and 2 ectopic pregnancies when I wanted to have children.

 

He didn't protect me when I started to drink quite heavy at the age of 27 -35 (because I was so confused in life) and I lost everything back then, because of alcohol. Almost died from it....I am still 'recouping' from these losses 22 years later. And I was 'serving him' all during this time. He didn't even protect me from not 'feeling good enough' to serve him. That's why I kept dropping in and out of the church over the last 35 years. I never felt good enough........

 

So why in jesus name :vent: would I still wish for god?? The whole world is a mess. He obviously is not there.

 

So, it must be about heaven? Seeing all the loved ones who have gone on before me and drifting on a cloud with them so happily for eternity. But then, that wouldn't have happened either because I have rebelled too much in my life and I probably wouldn't make the grade to get to heaven??? :shrug:

 

Can somebody tell me, why I would still wish for god?? I am hoping that this will be the last of the deconverting stage and you won't have to listen to me whine anymore.

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I think it's normal to want security, magic, and all the answers. You have realized by now that's not possible in the real world, and it takes some time to get used to it. Longer for some than others.

 

You're intelligent, thoughtful and kind. You'll be fine.

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I think it's normal to want security, magic, and all the answers. You have realized by now that's not possible in the real world, and it takes some time to get used to it. Longer for some than others.

 

You're intelligent, thoughtful and kind. You'll be fine.

 

Sincerely...........thank you florduh

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Margee, you are having delayed buyer's remorse. :HaHa:

 

After all these years and experiences and your "where was god when...?" questions, it is pretty clear, he does not exist.

 

Odd that the great move of teh wholly spook only seems to take place in church buildings, you know the anointing and all that make believe shit? All the while when jeebus said, god does not dwell in temples made of hands.

 

By their claims, we heathen should collapse in their presence and sorrowfully repent of our sins yet that NEVER seems to happen.

 

Of course, many of these outpouring of teh wholly spook were real purely by mass hypnosis/power of suggestion. However, that reality was only because we willed it so.:nono:

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I wish for God sometimes too and I think it's because we still want those warm fuzzy feelings that come when we think about there being a divine somebody. At least that's how I feel when I think about the ideal god. Now I don't know how true this is but I suppose the idea of a perfect god feeds the serotonin in our brains and we like that feeling. So maybe it's better to say that wishing for God is like being in withdrawal from a drug. That sounds about right to me.

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Margee,

 

“Wishing for God” reminds me of an old song lyric “Just wishing and hoping and praying and planning and scheming won’t get you into his heart.” I know that lyric has nothing whatsoever with God but somehow for me it carries so much emotional weight. It my be also that on several posts you describe your longing for God as a one sided relationship gone bad. Anyway, I count you as a good friend and want you to know that your words do stir up deep feelings! You “ain’t alone!

 

The way I see it is that we are recipients of what has gone before us, good, bad or indifferent, which gives us a vast resource from which to draw. I think we tap into that vast resource through awareness, relaxation and meditation (of which awareness and relaxation are a part). I understand this to be my way of reverencing my life. My spirituality equals my respect for the life force in myself and all living things.

 

I reach the wisdom of my life when I am calm inside, when I feel glad for having a self and when I know (not believe but know down in the deepest parts) that I can take positive approaches to whatever comes my way. Some refer to this as being centered.

 

For me grace is being willing to be my whole self; to allow multiplicity to exist within myself. Grace results from being willing to risk living without repression of embarrassing images, feelings, desires. When repression lessens I’m always surprised to learn that I have been more afraid of happiness than the shadows that have kept me chained in the dark prison of my psyche.

 

Graceful freedom is having the courage to be satisfied!

 

The old Myths of God died the day I found my own solitary self. Graceful freedom gave me others and the world!

 

Wishing won't get God back. But, by leaning to draw from the vast resources of your life through your intelligence, wisdom and intuition you will find what you thought that only God could give you-- yourself. That beats getting back any God in by book.

 

Your friend

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You're right, that last little thread is difficult to let go of. None of this happens overnight, I suppose. You're intelligent, and I know you'll come out of this stronger. To truly switch the mind away from all those years of brainwashing is difficult, but doable. I haven't reached there yet by any means, but I'm getting there. I know you will too.

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One of the interesting things about de-converting for me was the realization that a lot of what we humans do is plain old evolutional psychology. One of the things that affected my wife more than me in the de-conversion process was the ‘sunk cost fallacy’, which drives humans to a great degree. Lots of great stuff on the web about it, but it basically says that the more we invest in something, the more difficult it is to give up. Ever go to a movie that you hated from the get go, but you sat through it because you paid for it and you told yourself you wanted to get your moneys worth? Turns out we are wired this way because we hate to lose something more than we like to gain something.

 

 

My wife invested much more emotional energy into her beliefs than I did and it took her a lot of time and energy to get out of it. But she did. And you will too. Please understand that much of what we feel and do, is our primitive past bumping up against our modern selves and I think religion plays on the primitive parts of our brain very subtlety and effectively. Hang in there. Stay with us. It only gets better.

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The hardest part for me was not letting go of Christianity and Jesus. I did that first and, while it was quite difficult, I got over that and moved on. But I held onto what I thought was god for about two years after I left the Christian religion. The reason why I held onto the god concept was not because of heaven, but because I thought it validated me as a person. If there was this god who was communicating with me, then my life took on a significance beyond myself. There was something higher and more powerful than me and I thought I had a relationship with this being. That voice was my friend and something I had (or thought I had) for my whole life. To let that go, or so I thought, was to let go of meaning and purpose.

 

What I learned when I was finally ready to let go, as I eventually did, was to think things through very carefully. I came to the conclusion that it was not god communicating with me or being my friend, but it was something deep within myself. What I had to do to let go of "god" was to realize that by letting go of god, I was not saying good-bye to a friend. Rather, I was identifying that friend correctly. It was me all along and I like that now that I realize and accept that fact.

 

As for purpose and meaning, I am learning that our purpose and meaning are not tied to having a relationship with a higher being per se. Rather, I have found it in realizing that I (and everyone else) am part of something much larger than myself. We are not separate from the universe. Rather, we are a part of the universe. We are made from stardust and so, in an important way, our existence goes all the way back to some stars which do not even exist now. When you really consider this concept, it can give one's life great meaning and purpose. And what are they? It is that through us living, thinking, sentient beings, the universe has finally developed consciousness so that now, in a real way, stars can be aware of their own existence through their children born of stardust. And we are those children!!!

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One of the interesting things about de-converting for me was the realization that a lot of what we humans do is plain old evolutional psychology. One of the things that affected my wife more than me in the de-conversion process was the ‘sunk cost fallacy’, which drives humans to a great degree. Lots of great stuff on the web about it, but it basically says that the more we invest in something, the more difficult it is to give up. Ever go to a movie that you hated from the get go, but you sat through it because you paid for it and you told yourself you wanted to get your moneys worth? Turns out we are wired this way because we hate to lose something more than we like to gain something.

 

 

My wife invested much more emotional energy into her beliefs than I did and it took her a lot of time and energy to get out of it. But she did. And you will too. Please understand that much of what we feel and do, is our primitive past bumping up against our modern selves and I think religion plays on the primitive parts of our brain very subtlety and effectively. Hang in there. Stay with us. It only gets better.

 

I can really relate to this. I remember when I paid my first big tithe and it was 100 bills and was about 1-1/2 inches thick. I paid in cash as some sort of correct way to do it and thereafter I did electronic payments.

 

Looking back, that tithe would have paid for a week long vacation for my family and would have been money better spent.

 

The winders ov heaven never opened up to me to bless me yet I believed that my success was to my faithful tithing. When the shirtstorms of life hit me, I looked back and calculated the cost of my gullibility and it was over 300k. Had I just saved the money and later bought houses, I would be on easy street letting the places.

 

As they say a fool and his money are soon parted. Still waiting after 8 years for a tenfold blessing of 3M smackaroos from the guy in teh sky.

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One of the interesting things about de-converting for me was the realization that a lot of what we humans do is plain old evolutional psychology. One of the things that affected my wife more than me in the de-conversion process was the ‘sunk cost fallacy’, which drives humans to a great degree. Lots of great stuff on the web about it, but it basically says that the more we invest in something, the more difficult it is to give up. Ever go to a movie that you hated from the get go, but you sat through it because you paid for it and you told yourself you wanted to get your moneys worth? Turns out we are wired this way because we hate to lose something more than we like to gain something.

 

 

 

My wife invested much more emotional energy into her beliefs than I did and it took her a lot of time and energy to get out of it. But she did. And you will too. Please understand that much of what we feel and do, is our primitive past bumping up against our modern selves and I think religion plays on the primitive parts of our brain very subtlety and effectively. Hang in there. Stay with us. It only gets better.

 

I can really relate to this. I remember when I paid my first big tithe and it was 100 bills and was about 1-1/2 inches thick. I paid in cash as some sort of correct way to do it and thereafter I did electronic payments.

 

Looking back, that tithe would have paid for a week long vacation for my family and would have been money better spent.

 

The winders ov heaven never opened up to me to bless me yet I believed that my success was to my faithful tithing. When the shirtstorms of life hit me, I looked back and calculated the cost of my gullibility and it was over 300k. Had I just saved the money and later bought houses, I would be on easy street letting the places.

 

As they say a fool and his money are soon parted. Still waiting after 8 years for a tenfold blessing of 3M smackaroos from the guy in teh sky.

 

I Never got blessed with any amount of money. Every penny I had, I worked my arse off for it. I remember one time I had the pastor and his wife out for a very fancy dinner. I bought her a dress and him (I forget) and I presented them with a two day 'get-a -way' at one of our fancy resorts. We were told always to treat your pastor and his wife really good and continually 'bless them''. I remember him saying something to the effect that God 'blessed me' so I was passing it on to them. I believed that back then..

 

Later, when I left the church, I recall telling the pastor (at starbucks) that the money I had sent them away with, was from recently 'refinancing'; my home.

 

The Pastor's Last Letter:

 

http://www.ex-christ...__1#entry633534

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Can somebody tell me, why I would still wish for god?? I am hoping that this will be the last of the deconverting stage and you won't have to listen to me whine anymore.

 

Whenever I hear about the trying experiences of former christians, I wish believers would understand just what is at stake when one REALLY believes. Had your life been a piece of cake like many christians I have known, you probably wouldn't feel this longing and loss for the biblegod. Life is hard enough for many of us without callous, selfish people throwing shit our way. It would have helped immensely if someone was on your side through it all. Maybe this is why you still long for a little compassion and caring from the One who promised to take care of you. But He sure as hell didn't.

 

What sped up my deconversion was my love of nature. This hit me while I was hiking and contemplating all the whys and doubts in my mind as my deconversion was brewing. I realized I was an integral part of the universe, rather than being God's separate, imperfect toy that needs fixing. But most people can't relate to that.

 

I find caring for animals, gazing at the stars, and even just sitting on a beach more fulfilling than all the positive experiences I had as a christian (not that I had a lot of them!). I sense a strong connection to all life. But one negative in my life has been not having children. That is my greatest regret. Yet it would have been bad for them growing up with a mother who was f@#ked in the head. Maybe there will be children in my future...maybe not, since I just received an invitation from AARP!

 

I don't know if I helped in answering why you feel as you do, Margee. I think it's OK you still wish for God. So go ahead and whine. That's what this site is for!

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Can somebody tell me, why I would still wish for god?? I am hoping that this will be the last of the deconverting stage and you won't have to listen to me whine anymore.

 

Whenever I hear about the trying experiences of former christians, I wish believers would understand just what is at stake when one REALLY believes. Had your life been a piece of cake like many christians I have known, you probably wouldn't feel this longing and loss for the biblegod. Life is hard enough for many of us without callous, selfish people throwing shit our way. It would have helped immensely if someone was on your side through it all. Maybe this is why you still long for a little compassion and caring from the One who promised to take care of you. But He sure as hell didn't.

 

What sped up my deconversion was my love of nature. This hit me while I was hiking and contemplating all the whys and doubts in my mind as my deconversion was brewing. I realized I was an integral part of the universe, rather than being God's separate, imperfect toy that needs fixing. But most people can't relate to that.

 

I find caring for animals, gazing at the stars, and even just sitting on a beach more fulfilling than all the positive experiences I had as a christian (not that I had a lot of them!). I sense a strong connection to all life. But one negative in my life has been not having children. That is my greatest regret. Yet it would have been bad for them growing up with a mother who was f@#ked in the head. Maybe there will be children in my future...maybe not, since I just received an invitation from AARP!

 

I don't know if I helped in answering why you feel as you do, Margee. I think it's OK you still wish for God. So go ahead and whine. That's what this site is for!

 

Validation is sooo important to me agnosticator and you have certainly done this for me this morning. Thank you, my friend

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I can really relate to this. I remember when I paid my first big tithe and it was 100 bills and was about 1-1/2 inches thick. I paid in cash as some sort of correct way to do it and thereafter I did electronic payments.

 

Looking back, that tithe would have paid for a week long vacation for my family and would have been money better spent.

 

The winders ov heaven never opened up to me to bless me yet I believed that my success was to my faithful tithing. When the shirtstorms of life hit me, I looked back and calculated the cost of my gullibility and it was over 300k. Had I just saved the money and later bought houses, I would be on easy street letting the places.

 

As they say a fool and his money are soon parted. Still waiting after 8 years for a tenfold blessing of 3M smackaroos from the guy in teh sky.

 

I Never got blessed with any amount of money. Every penny I had, I worked my arse off for it. I remember one time I had the pastor and his wife out for a very fancy dinner. I bought her a dress and him (I forget) and I presented them with a two day 'get-a -way' at one of our fancy resorts. We were told always to treat your pastor and his wife really good and continually 'bless them''. I remember him saying something to the effect that God 'blessed me' so I was passing it on to them. I believed that back then..

 

Later, when I left the church, I recall telling the pastor (at starbucks) that the money I had sent them away with, was from recently 'refinancing'; my home.

 

The Pastor's Last Letter:

 

http://www.ex-christ...__1#entry633534

This wasted money is the only bitterness I retain from my woo daze. There is no one to blame but me. My business success was exponential and instead of reinvesting or at least investing in other avenues, I wasted it on the church.

 

The pastor once told me that I should be honoured that teh lard had chosen me to bless teh church. I served on the financial committee and my "blessing" made up 70-80% of the gross. No wonder I was his best friend.

 

Folk have lost much due to the prosperity gospel and the failed return of jeebus. The idea is that you live it up now, make debt, own a fancy car et al and when you are whisked up to go cloud surfing with jeebus, you leave the assets behind so you not really doing anything "immoral" As we all know, the many failed predictions had folk that followed this advice with egg on their faces and they were blacklisted as their asses were handed to them. I never was a rapture believer but many folk fell prey to this bad financial advice.

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Sometimes I wonder whether I want God to truly exist so that I have something to which to direct some of my buried emotions. That is, I almost wish I *could* be mad, or otherwise upset with God, but I can't, because he doesn't exist.

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Validation is sooo important to me agnosticator and you have certainly done this for me this morning. Thank you, my friend

 

Your very welcome, Margee. May you find the closure you are looking for.

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I hope you don't mind me posting my inner thoughts here, but I need to continue to finish this deconverting.

 

THIS for me, is what I have been searching for my whole life: A sky daddy or a human daddy......... never had it and I need to grieve and accept this.

 

This is what I thought god would be like

 

Qualities of a Good Daddy (Or god)

You’ve probably heard the old expression, "Anyone can be a father; it takes someone special to be a daddy". Let's consider the following characteristics of highly desirable daddies.

 

  • (God) Daddies are safe; they do not violate their childrens’ trust. Basic trust begins the first time a father holds his child. Very soon, the child learns that this is a person who has strong arms, a person who will support and protect them from falling. They learn that Daddy is sometimes tense and uncomfortable, but usually, he is warm and tender. Most importantly, they learn that Daddy is someone they can love without fear of pain or personal intrusion; they can trust that Daddy is a person who will not violate their bodies.
  • (God) Daddies are a safety net; someone to turn to when things go wrong. While daddies are often a little stern and definite about their views, this is a person who is there when you need them. Daddies set the standard in life for success, pride, self-confidence, and accomplishment. To a child, the most important features of a daddy are loyalty and unconditional love, not wealth or possession.
  • (God) Daddies are fun; they like to play with their kids. Daddies were once little boys who explored the world and learned important skills, like bowling, tying knots, and catching bugs.
  • (God) Daddies are brave and courageous, and they encourage their children to be brave and strong. Daddies are often less interested in neatness, and more interested in having the kind of fun that just happens to result in a mess. Daddies have a unique way of making their children laugh. Best of all, they think their kids are wonderful.
    (God) Daddies are teachers; they have carved a road that helps their children see. Children judge the success of their fathers by the role that they play in the family. When dads spend time with their children, kids learn to see the world through their father’s eyes. From Dad, they learn that men are supposed to treat women with respect, they learn how men allocate their time between work and family, and they learn how to cope with difficult situations.

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  • 7 months later...

I hope you don't mind me posting my inner thoughts here, but I need to continue to finish this deconverting.

 

THIS for me, is what I have been searching for my whole life: A sky daddy or a human daddy......... never had it and I need to grieve and accept this.

 

This is what I thought god would be like

 

Qualities of a Good Daddy (Or god)

You’ve probably heard the old expression, "Anyone can be a father; it takes someone special to be a daddy". Let's consider the following characteristics of highly desirable daddies.

  • (God) Daddies are safe; they do not violate their childrens’ trust. Basic trust begins the first time a father holds his child. Very soon, the child learns that this is a person who has strong arms, a person who will support and protect them from falling. They learn that Daddy is sometimes tense and uncomfortable, but usually, he is warm and tender. Most importantly, they learn that Daddy is someone they can love without fear of pain or personal intrusion; they can trust that Daddy is a person who will not violate their bodies.
  • (God) Daddies are a safety net; someone to turn to when things go wrong. While daddies are often a little stern and definite about their views, this is a person who is there when you need them. Daddies set the standard in life for success, pride, self-confidence, and accomplishment. To a child, the most important features of a daddy are loyalty and unconditional love, not wealth or possession.
  • (God) Daddies are fun; they like to play with their kids. Daddies were once little boys who explored the world and learned important skills, like bowling, tying knots, and catching bugs.
  • (God) Daddies are brave and courageous, and they encourage their children to be brave and strong. Daddies are often less interested in neatness, and more interested in having the kind of fun that just happens to result in a mess. Daddies have a unique way of making their children laugh. Best of all, they think their kids are wonderful.
    (God) Daddies are teachers; they have carved a road that helps their children see. Children judge the success of their fathers by the role that they play in the family. When dads spend time with their children, kids learn to see the world through their father’s eyes. From Dad, they learn that men are supposed to treat women with respect, they learn how men allocate their time between work and family, and they learn how to cope with difficult situations.

 

Margee, this is one of the most beautiful things I have read on this site so far. I can't believe no one has replied to it. This inspires me because I am a daddy. I often wonder why any kid would want me as their father. Now I know. Thank you. If you give me your address I will sent you $50 :)

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I actually get angry at the concept of wishing for God. After all the crap has happened, if there was a God, where the HELL is he now?!

 

People like to believe that there's always going to be someone out there to watch over them, even when they're all alone. The truth is that it's just you and your mind. This is partially the reason I have a bird. He makes it so I don't stay alone too long in my thoughts and start longing for someone else around all over again. It's sort of like those dogs that stay with people who have PTSD. When people start freaking out, the dog comforts them and brings them back to reality all over again.

 

As long as I'm in reality, I don't wish for a god.

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Margee, thank you so much for that, it was exactly what I've been wondering about for a while now. My sister and I had a father who was largely absent and uninterested in us, and I wonder if that is why I found it so hard to let go of biblegod and why my sister still cannot let go. he does fulfill everything human fathers often don't, so it is little wonder that people turn to a daddy who is always there for them, just a prayer away. he is the embodiment of the perfect father figure. but they ignore the fact that he doesn't actually communicate with them or do anything for them, so in fact he is no different from their crappy human father, but because he is in their mind, they can project whatever qualities they want onto him, and he will magically fulfil them.

 

today one of my four daughters forgot to take her lunch to school with her, so i had to go back, find her classroom (I'm ashamed to say i had no idea where it was; i don't have very much to do with school) and give it to her. My wife usually is the one who deals with parent/teacher interviews and school issues in general, so it was revealing to see my daughter in that environment and it has made me want to be more involved in the process. Then, almost immediately, I saw this post from you. To use some Christianese, it felt like a "God-moment". :P

 

thanks Margee, you have inspired me to be a better father, because I don't want my girls to feel like they have to rely on biblegod for their emotional support.

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Margee, thank you so much for that, it was exactly what I've been wondering about for a while now. My sister and I had a father who was largely absent and uninterested in us, and I wonder if that is why I found it so hard to let go of biblegod and why my sister still cannot let go. he does fulfill everything human fathers often don't, so it is little wonder that people turn to a daddy who is always there for them, just a prayer away. he is the embodiment of the perfect father figure. but they ignore the fact that he doesn't actually communicate with them or do anything for them, so in fact he is no different from their crappy human father, but because he is in their mind, they can project whatever qualities they want onto him, and he will magically fulfil them.

 

today one of my four daughters forgot to take her lunch to school with her, so i had to go back, find her classroom (I'm ashamed to say i had no idea where it was; i don't have very much to do with school) and give it to her. My wife usually is the one who deals with parent/teacher interviews and school issues in general, so it was revealing to see my daughter in that environment and it has made me want to be more involved in the process. Then, almost immediately, I saw this post from you. To use some Christianese, it felt like a "God-moment". tongue.png

 

thanks Margee, you have inspired me to be a better father, because I don't want my girls to feel like they have to rely on biblegod for their emotional support.

 

@ Denyoz and owen....... My god this thread was from last year.I remember posting this on 'daddies'. Wanting so bad for god to be a good 'daddy'.

 

I am soooooo glad this encouraged both of you to be better fathers.I know you both mentioned that you each had four children!! eek.gif What a big responsibility.......... but really, not so big if you're just there for them, guide them a little and love them to bits!! That's all any of us ever want!! Teach them to be proud of who they are!!

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What I miss the most about God is the unconditional love. I thought he loved me more than anything (all of us, not just me), that he knew everything about me and loved me. I guess it's narcissistic in a way. I never realized it before but it's as if God worshipped me as I worshipped Him. I also mourn what could have been. I was looking forward to Heaven and finding answers to all the questions I ever had. To finding true redemption in God's eyes and never disappointing Him again by sinning. I'll never redeem myself. Never be perfect.

I love what you posted about Dads. I am thankful to have a dad who has those qualities. He's the best man I'll ever know and I thought God shared those qualities. I wonder if I would have seen such a loving god if my dad wasn't so great. I do mourn the loss of God even though I have a dad who loves me. I'm starting to wonder if my sadness is just a habit at this point. Rationally it makes no sense.

Do you think there is an end to deconversion? It seems like it's a journey of constant discovery. Over time I see more healing and less pain but I don't know if the pain will ever be gone completely.

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What I miss the most about God is the unconditional love. I thought he loved me more than anything (all of us, not just me), that he knew everything about me and loved me. I guess it's narcissistic in a way. I never realized it before but it's as if God worshipped me as I worshipped Him. I also mourn what could have been. I was looking forward to Heaven and finding answers to all the questions I ever had. To finding true redemption in God's eyes and never disappointing Him again by sinning. I'll never redeem myself. Never be perfect.

 

What do you mean you will never redeem yourself? Redeem yourself from what? Don't you see? You are already redeemed! You were born redeemed. There is nothing to redeem you from. There is nothing to save you from. Sure, nobody is perfect. We can't help that. But you don't need to be redeemed.

 

All of the happiness you felt about such things when you were a Christian - that came from inside you and it's still there. Every time you got through a difficult time you were the one doing it. And you still have all the skills and talents you used to make yourself feel that good and be that successful.

 

I love what you posted about Dads. I am thankful to have a dad who has those qualities. He's the best man I'll ever know and I thought God shared those qualities. I wonder if I would have seen such a loving god if my dad wasn't so great. I do mourn the loss of God even though I have a dad who loves me. I'm starting to wonder if my sadness is just a habit at this point. Rationally it makes no sense.

Do you think there is an end to deconversion? It seems like it's a journey of constant discovery. Over time I see more healing and less pain but I don't know if the pain will ever be gone completely.

 

My deconversion ended about 14 months ago when I finally walked away. Since then I have learned a lot. I might keep on learning but as far I am concerned my deconversion is final. Yes from time to time I do get fond memories of pondering what it will be like to have a supernatural body and live in heaven or ask Jesus the answer to any question I have. The feelings pass.

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What I miss the most about God is the unconditional love. I thought he loved me more than anything (all of us, not just me), that he knew everything about me and loved me. I guess it's narcissistic in a way. I never realized it before but it's as if God worshipped me as I worshipped Him.

 

Dear OMneg,

 

I was happy to read this because this is exactly how I feel. So I'm not the only one who loved him that much. I'm ashamed to admit that I am still Wishing for God. Sometimes I still pretend that he's there, and that he will come back and apologize, take me in his arms and explain to me why he left. I feel like such a loser to even entertain such thoughts.

 

But it's true what mymistake says, that all this love we thought came from God actually came from ourselves, so it does exist. But the imaginary goodies don't, at least not that we know of. And there were lots of goodies, shall we make a list, why not:

 

- eternal life

- eternal happiness, health, youth, etc.

- knowing everything

- being the Child of God, therefore being Gods ourselves, owning parts of the universe

- I actually thought that one day I would be Co-Creator with God

- God love me so much, he worships me (like you mentioned above)

- being rich and famous to infinity and beyond

- being magic, able to fly, disappear and reappear at will, breath under water, cast spells

- being best friends with everyone

- meeting all your dead relatives

- there is more but I have to log off soon so I'll stop here

 

I was so stupid, at one point I thought all these things would start happening right now. When I realized that God was not the God of the past nor the future, but that he was Eternally Present, I was convinced that all the promisses of Heaven were about to come true. I was so happy. Well euphoric would be a better word.

 

So yeah, there's a lot things I have to get over and it's not always fun sad.png

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