I'm Tired Of Holding My Tongue!

[vanessa612]

This is about the 5^th time I have tried to write this. It’s probably not much different than the stories already told here but it’s my story and I have no one else to tell it to. I’ll try to make it as short as possible.

 

 

I grew up Catholic as a kid. My mom was never much of an enforcer of the beliefs but she did send me to Catholic school. I spent a lot of my time at my aunt’s house and when she got “saved” I was introduced to the Pentecostal church.

 

 

I got “saved” when I was 16. The pastor had taken the youth group to a convention and that’s where I devoted my life to the lord. After that, I was like a sponge. I tried to learn everything that I could; I read my bible all the time and prayed. I was on the youth worship team, I became a youth leader and a Sunday school teacher. I was in love with god and my world revolved around him.

 

 

I was dating the pastor’s son. We planned to get married and go off to college together. During this time, my mother was diagnosed with breast cancer. I missed going to college that semester due to my mother’s illness but my boyfriend went. Within a few weeks, he broke up with me stating that god had told him to do it. I was devastated. A week after the breakup, my boyfriend had a new girlfriend. I did only what I knew how to do; pray. I prayed for my mother’s healing as well as the healing of my heart. My mother went into remission of the cancer and I finally got over my ex. It took me a year. I took that as miracle of god!

 

 

A friend suggested that I look into a bible college in Texas. I was depressed and wanted a change of scenery so I applied and prayed that if this was god’s will that he make a way for me to go to college in Texas. I got accepted and honestly believed that this was god’s plan for me. In January of 2004, I packed all my things and left to Texas with $800.00 in hopes to find god’s purpose for my life. I lasted a year out there. I failed all my classes and got diagnosed by the campus psychiatrist with Adult ADD. I made very few friends (I was always very shy). I couldn’t find a job. And a guy that I had met led me to believe that he wanted to be with me then slept with my roommate. I came back to NY depressed and a broke failure.

 

 

I was starting to question my faith in god but went back to my old church. I couldn’t understand why god would take me to a place and allow me to fail so miserably. My ex came back into my life. He said that he had changed and I decided to give the relationship another shot. I didn’t love him anymore and I broke up with him a few months after. The pastor (his mother) told me that she wished that I had never come back from Texas that way I would have never broken her son’s heart. His sister (the youth pastor’s wife) told some of the youth that I was never good enough for her brother or in the eyes of god. The youth pastor himself then told me it would be best to leave the church and not come back. So many other things were said and done to me by these people but it’s too much to get into detail.

 

 

I left that church in 2006 a broken mess. I had no direction. I felt betrayed by the church and god. How could this happen? I devoted my life to god and tried my very best to live by his standards. I gave up my time, my money and suppressed my natural self for a god that could allow my life to become a tragedy (or so it seemed at that time). I didn’t understand and I was deeply hurt.

 

 

I made new friends. Non-christian friends. I started partying and drinking. I became the anti-christian. I hated god and every one of his followers. I was angry! I was depressed and suicidal. I tried to take my life and ended up in a hospital for 2 days. My life had become a nightmare. During these years is when I met my daughter’s father. She was the only good thing that came out of the mess.

 

 

I got tired of this life and decided I needed a change. I wanted to do right by my daughter. And I did. My aunt suggested I go back to church because god never meant for all these things to happen. She said it was because people have a free will and make their own choices and it wasn’t god’s fault. I even thought that maybe because I walked away from god that my life had fallen apart because of it.

 

 

I started to visit a few churches nearby my home. But I could not stop the questioning. Every one said that I doubted god because I wouldn’t open up my heart to him and that I needed to let my guard down. Months went on and I couldn’t swallow the garbage. I turned my back on christianity completely.

 

 

It’s been 2 years now and I have never been happier in all my life! I have been researching and learning a lot of things. I don’t see god in anything. It’s liberating! Nothing is perfect but I enjoy life a lot more. I’m currently engaged to a wonderful man who loves me and my daughter. We are also expecting another child. I still deal with Christians on a day to day basis. Both my fiancé’s family and mines are all christian. I haven’t told any of them but I know there will come a time when someone will ask. Right now, they just assume I believe. Some even invite me to church. I just say I’m busy. But I’m tired of hiding how I feel. I am an atheist and don’t know how to tell them. Any advice?

 

 

[florduh]

Welcome, Vanessa.

 

Some even invite me to church. I just say I’m busy.

I would say, "Well, I don't believe that stuff anymore but thanks for asking anyway."

 

Some won't care that much while others may be devastated that someone doesn't (gasp!) believe as they do.

 

There are lots of threads on this topic and if you dig a little you will learn what might be helpful for you specifically.

 

Good luck!

[ilovemybrain]

Hey there! Welcome! I got tired of holding my tongue too. Now I'm just myself. My whole self. To everyone. Those who really love me, still love me. Those who love me conditionally, get very little of my time and attention. Glad to hear you are well and happy! My personal advice is, if there are people you feel you need to tell, just do it briefly and matter-of-factly and you be in control of the conversation - don't let them make you feel as if you owe them an explanation of the whole damn process of what made your faith topple. You can be kind, and polite, but it's nobody's business to know any more than you're willing to tell them.

[florduh]

Yeah, what the brain said.

[Margee]

Hey there! Welcome! I got tired of holding my tongue too. Now I'm just myself. My whole self. To everyone. Those who really love me, still love me. Those who love me conditionally, get very little of my time and attention. Glad to hear you are well and happy! My personal advice is, if there are people you feel you need to tell, just do it briefly and matter-of-factly and you be in control of the conversation - don't let them make you feel as if you owe them an explanation of the whole damn process of what made your faith topple. You can be kind, and polite, but it's nobody's business to know any more than you're willing to tell them.

 

Welcome Vanessa! Thanks for sharing your story.

I am so glad you are here with us. Tons of posts to read that you will relate to!

 

I just couldn't say anything better than the 'brain'!! Looking forward to hearing more from you! Sincerely........

[LivingLife]

Welcome to the (real) sanctuary

[vanessa612]

Thanks a lot! I will be sure to look through the other threads!

[vanessa612]

Hey there! Welcome! I got tired of holding my tongue too. Now I'm just myself. My whole self. To everyone. Those who really love me, still love me. Those who love me conditionally, get very little of my time and attention. Glad to hear you are well and happy! My personal advice is, if there are people you feel you need to tell, just do it briefly and matter-of-factly and you be in control of the conversation - don't let them make you feel as if you owe them an explanation of the whole damn process of what made your faith topple. You can be kind, and polite, but it's nobody's business to know any more than you're willing to tell them.

 

 

The next time some one ask me to go to church I will remember your advice! Its a great help!

[ilovemybrain]

Yeah I think it's especially important to be able to say "no thank you" to the people who are "concerned" and want to meet with you to pressure you into coming back. Unless and until you decide you want to meet with them, when you are feeling strong enough to say what you need to say, and only to the few you feel you need to talk to about it with. You stay in charge and take care of yourself first.

[daedelus]

Welcome Vanessa 612. Eugene 39 put this link on another post, and I thought it was a nice approach for families/friends. You may have to tweak it a little since you're circumstances are different, but I like the way it seems to put an emphasis on the fact that this is a very personal decision that you have made for yourself.

 

I'm glad you failed at suicide. I know what its like to feel that death is the only way out, but gradually came to realize that life is too short as it is and that things almost always get better over time.

 

[Deva]

Welcome Vanessa. You will find a lot of support here in dealing with the Christians. I have benefited a lot over the years. Sometimes it is overwhelming and you really have no one to talk to in the real world. That is where this site is so valuable. There are many selfless people here willing to give you all the benefit of their experience in dealing with these situations.

 

Thanks for "friending" me as well.

[older]

Hey there! Welcome! I got tired of holding my tongue too. Now I'm just myself. My whole self. To everyone. Those who really love me, still love me. Those who love me conditionally, get very little of my time and attention. Glad to hear you are well and happy! My personal advice is, if there are people you feel you need to tell, just do it briefly and matter-of-factly and you be in control of the conversation - don't let them make you feel as if you owe them an explanation of the whole damn process of what made your faith topple. You can be kind, and polite, but it's nobody's business to know any more than you're willing to tell them.

 

 

I vote for this for the "Best Advice of the Week" award.

[oddbird1963]

BRAIN! How'd you get so smart?

 

Welcome Vanessa612. Thanks for sharing your moving story and I hope you get a lot of benefit from this site.

[ilovemybrain]

BRAIN! How'd you get so smart?

 

Welcome Vanessa612. Thanks for sharing your moving story and I hope you get a lot of benefit from this site.

Silly people - I haven't said anything amazing and profound...

[vanessa612]

Welcome Vanessa 612. Eugene 39 put this link on another post, and I thought it was a nice approach for families/friends. You may have to tweak it a little since you're circumstances are different, but I like the way it seems to put an emphasis on the fact that this is a very personal decision that you have made for yourself.

 

I'm glad you failed at suicide. I know what its like to feel that death is the only way out, but gradually came to realize that life is too short as it is and that things almost always get better over time.

 

 

Thank you for the link and your kind words! And things have gotten a lot better! I'm not just living for myself now. I have my children and fiance to think about. Its a really great feeling!

[vanessa612]

Welcome Vanessa. You will find a lot of support here in dealing with the Christians. I have benefited a lot over the years. Sometimes it is overwhelming and you really have no one to talk to in the real world. That is where this site is so valuable. There are many selfless people here willing to give you all the benefit of their experience in dealing with these situations.

 

Thanks for "friending" me as well.

 

 

It's such a relief to have found a site like this! Christains never tell the stories of people leaving the religion. They only tell the stories of people converting. I knew I couldn't be alone on this. But it's really hard to think that way when everyone in my life is still a believer. I'm so grateful for the people on this site! It's wonderful!

 

And the thanks goes to you for taking the time to respond to my story!!! Well, that goes to everyone!

[paul34]

You are among friends here. When I first started to deconvert, I didn't even know there were ex Xians out there. Imagine my surprise when I first typed in "ex christian" into google and youtube. I had always been told in church, from when I was very young, that no one ever left Christianity, but people always converted to Xtianity. And of course, I accepted that as fact. I guess that there was still a part of me that believed that when I first started on this deconversion journey. Finding others who had stories like mine was a real inspiration. It also helps to not feel crazy .

[oddbird1963]

You are among friends here. When I first started to deconvert, I didn't even know there were ex Xians out there. Imagine my surprise when I first typed in "ex christian" into google and youtube. I had always been told in church, from when I was very young, that no one ever left Christianity, but people always converted to Xtianity. And of course, I accepted that as fact. I guess that there was still a part of me that believed that when I first started on this deconversion journey. Finding others who had stories like mine was a real inspiration. It also helps to not feel crazy .

 

Here's one I heard back in my younger Christian days, "I've never heard anyone say that they regretted giving their life to Jesus! <long, dramatic pause> Never!"

 

If I ever find myself in a church and a speaker says that, I swear I'm gonna shout, "You have now!"

 

Actually, the guy probably wasn't really looking for any disproof of that claim. It's a great rhetorical strategy I guess. But it proves nothing except that if you don't look for ex-Christians, you may just get away with not finding any.

[paul34]

Here's one I heard back in my younger Christian days, "I've never heard anyone say that they regretted giving their life to Jesus! <long, dramatic pause> Never!"

 

If I ever find myself in a church and a speaker says that, I swear I'm gonna shout, "You have now!"

 

Actually, the guy probably wasn't really looking for any disproof of that claim. It's a great rhetorical strategy I guess. But it proves nothing except that if you don't look for ex-Christians, you may just get away with not finding any.

 

ha! That would be great if I could meet whoever I heard that from and say the same.

 

Yup, you're discouraged from going "outside" the community except to "witness". Your friends should only be from inside the church. It helps to reinforce the delusion. Actually, isn't that what cults do? Social isolation. "You have all the friends you need right here!" Also helps with the social pressure to conform to the expected values of the community. Helps from the perspective fo the church, that is. If everyone repeats the same lie, it must be true, right?

[HappyChef]

Good for you Vanessa and lots of luck as you rebuild your self-confidence along with your life. One thing that helped me to get over the pain and anger with xianity was to research things like "the great flood" from a scientific perspective as well as other faith systems in the east.

 

Seeing how common the babble stories are in other faiths shows the comic book.fake aspect of it.

 

+1 on the fact that Brain is very smart,she even tried to bake a cake once! lmao

[ilovemybrain]

Hey my cake may have turned out like a rock but it was YOUR recipe, Happy

 

Sorry, carry on with y'alls conversation

[vanessa612]

Good for you Vanessa and lots of luck as you rebuild your self-confidence along with your life. One thing that helped me to get over the pain and anger with xianity was to research things like "the great flood" from a scientific perspective as well as other faith systems in the east.

 

Seeing how common the babble stories are in other faiths shows the comic book.fake aspect of it.

 

+1 on the fact that Brain is very smart,she even tried to bake a cake once! lmao

 

As soon as I started researching these bible miracles, I became angry to know that I had been lied to all these years! Its like the bible says in John 8:32, "Then you will know the truth, and the truth will set you free."

[vanessa612]

Good for you Vanessa and lots of luck as you rebuild your self-confidence along with your life. One thing that helped me to get over the pain and anger with xianity was to research things like "the great flood" from a scientific perspective as well as other faith systems in the east.

 

Seeing how common the babble stories are in other faiths shows the comic book.fake aspect of it.

 

+1 on the fact that Brain is very smart,she even tried to bake a cake once! lmao

 

 

Thanks so much! I'm always looking to learn about what really happened or if any of these stories happened at all.

[vanessa612]

Here's one I heard back in my younger Christian days, "I've never heard anyone say that they regretted giving their life to Jesus! <long, dramatic pause> Never!"

 

If I ever find myself in a church and a speaker says that, I swear I'm gonna shout, "You have now!"

 

Actually, the guy probably wasn't really looking for any disproof of that claim. It's a great rhetorical strategy I guess. But it proves nothing except that if you don't look for ex-Christians, you may just get away with not finding any.

 

ha! That would be great if I could meet whoever I heard that from and say the same.

 

Yup, you're discouraged from going "outside" the community except to "witness". Your friends should only be from inside the church. It helps to reinforce the delusion. Actually, isn't that what cults do? Social isolation. "You have all the friends you need right here!" Also helps with the social pressure to conform to the expected values of the community. Helps from the perspective fo the church, that is. If everyone repeats the same lie, it must be true, right?

 

Yea thats why they always discouraged me from hanging around my brothers! My brothers aren't saved.

[Thought2Much]

It's such a relief to have found a site like this! Christains never tell the stories of people leaving the religion. They only tell the stories of people converting.

Don't be silly, of course they tell stories about people leaving the religion! The people that leave always wind up destitute, or insane, or demonically possessed, or dead in any number of unlikely or horrific ways, but they tell the stories!

 

Whether those stories are true is another topic altogether.