SummerMoon Posted August 10, 2011 Share Posted August 10, 2011 I have a strong belief in God, and that is incompatible with Christianity. There are pieces of my faith in Christianity though. God is a Higher Power that is good and that loves all good and good acts and good people. Christianity only believes they are saved, and not by any good they do, but apparently by the evil they do. So if you believe in God, you are going to see some truths in religions yet you are not that. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DamnedSoul Posted August 10, 2011 Author Share Posted August 10, 2011 I have a strong belief in God, and that is incompatible with Christianity. There are pieces of my faith in Christianity though. God is a Higher Power that is good and that loves all good and good acts and good people. Christianity only believes they are saved, and not by any good they do, but apparently by the evil they do. So if you believe in God, you are going to see some truths in religions yet you are not that. What has led you to see things this way? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DamnedSoul Posted August 10, 2011 Author Share Posted August 10, 2011 .....I just went to the web pages of some of the people who had a hand in brainwashing me in the past. These people are FUCKING NUTS. I'm not talking the typical modern day church garbage that is spewed from the pulpit, I'm talking cultish fear mongering shit that will destroy the mind of anyone who even remotely takes it seriously. Seeing that again, no wonder I'm so fucked up in the head. Just thinking about going back and listening to that makes me feel like having an anxiety attack. As pathetic as it sounds, I'm going to stoop to that level and admit it. I am scared. I am nothing more than a weak-minded child who can be swayed by anyone. Sad but true. Until I find the right medication, I guess I just have to live like this. I'm sick of it. I haven't been happy since I was young. I'm a miserable scared pissed off person. I do have someone who is helping me find the right doctor who can help me and get me the right meds, but those things take a long time to kick in, and I don't want to wait 3 more months of being miserable and sick inside. Besides that, the first medicine might not work, and then it would just be more time wasted, having to wait even longer for another one to work. I'm all for whatever medicine I should try, but god damn, I want to make some of my own progress too, starting now. I've been trying for too long, and I've proved to myself time and time again, I can't do it on my own. This is who I am, this is who I'll always be, and I despise what I am. I can't even think of the words to express how sick I am inside. I'm just tired of doing this, thinking this, every damn day of my life. I don't have the energy for it anymore. I'm worn out physically. I want to say something, but my mind can't even think of how to express what I'm thinking. I want all this to end, I'm too fucking weak to carry this burden anymore. And it scares me to know that I'll wake up tomorrow to another day that is exactly the same. I want this all to stop somehow. But it won't. It never will. I put on the fake, nice, happy mask and try to be optimistic and say "maybe it will." But I know it won't. I don't have the fucking energy to fight this thing anymore. I don't know what to do. I've talked to atheists, agnostics, pastors, youth pastors, christian counselors, an atheist counselor, legalistic christians, liberal christians, ignorant christians, friendly/chill christians, and fucking insane christians. None of them could help me. No one can help me. I don't know how to fix this thing. I want this all to stop, honest to god, but I don't know how. I imagine some of you might be tired of seeing me post on these boards, but trust me, I'm tired of it too. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DamnedSoul Posted August 10, 2011 Author Share Posted August 10, 2011 As I reread my post I saw one thing that might be misunderstood. I am still going to fully try any medications that my future doctor puts me on. I wasn't knocking that, I was just saying I want to do something in the mean time to help myself. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
VacuumFlux Posted August 10, 2011 Share Posted August 10, 2011 .....I just went to the web pages of some of the people who had a hand in brainwashing me in the past. These people are FUCKING NUTS. I'm not talking the typical modern day church garbage that is spewed from the pulpit, I'm talking cultish fear mongering shit that will destroy the mind of anyone who even remotely takes it seriously. Seeing that again, no wonder I'm so fucked up in the head. Just thinking about going back and listening to that makes me feel like having an anxiety attack. As pathetic as it sounds, I'm going to stoop to that level and admit it. I am scared. I am nothing more than a weak-minded child who can be swayed by anyone. If you went back to the website, recognise it for what it is and are horrified, you are not weak-minded and you are not being swayed they way they want you to be. Fear isn't always a weakness. Courage isn't a lack of fear, it is acting despite fear. What I hear from your post is "that stuff was crazy, I know better now, and even though it scares me I am going to make my life better". Be proud of yourself for that. The self-hatred, the feeling that you aren't good enough, that's what they want you to have so you'll run to them to fix it. That's the brainwashing that you're still working through talking, not a description of who you are. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Noggy Posted August 10, 2011 Share Posted August 10, 2011 You're not bad. Only those who try to be bad are bad. Everyone makes mistakes, good people are the people who try. Don't believe anything you hear. Be skeptical. Look it up. Research it. By doing your due diligence is the only way you can be sure not to be lead astray again. Being skeptical is not offensive, it is not a crime. It is what is required of you. Don't feel bad for not trusting, this world has made us (and you) like that. it is not your fault. It is the only way to survive. good luck <3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Falloutdude Posted August 11, 2011 Share Posted August 11, 2011 .....I just went to the web pages of some of the people who had a hand in brainwashing me in the past. These people are FUCKING NUTS. I'm not talking the typical modern day church garbage that is spewed from the pulpit, I'm talking cultish fear mongering shit that will destroy the mind of anyone who even remotely takes it seriously. Seeing that again, no wonder I'm so fucked up in the head. Just thinking about going back and listening to that makes me feel like having an anxiety attack. As pathetic as it sounds, I'm going to stoop to that level and admit it. I am scared. I am nothing more than a weak-minded child who can be swayed by anyone. Sad but true. Until I find the right medication, I guess I just have to live like this. I'm sick of it. I haven't been happy since I was young. I'm a miserable scared pissed off person. I do have someone who is helping me find the right doctor who can help me and get me the right meds, but those things take a long time to kick in, and I don't want to wait 3 more months of being miserable and sick inside. Besides that, the first medicine might not work, and then it would just be more time wasted, having to wait even longer for another one to work. I'm all for whatever medicine I should try, but god damn, I want to make some of my own progress too, starting now. I've been trying for too long, and I've proved to myself time and time again, I can't do it on my own. This is who I am, this is who I'll always be, and I despise what I am. I can't even think of the words to express how sick I am inside. I'm just tired of doing this, thinking this, every damn day of my life. I don't have the energy for it anymore. I'm worn out physically. I want to say something, but my mind can't even think of how to express what I'm thinking. I want all this to end, I'm too fucking weak to carry this burden anymore. And it scares me to know that I'll wake up tomorrow to another day that is exactly the same. I want this all to stop somehow. But it won't. It never will. I put on the fake, nice, happy mask and try to be optimistic and say "maybe it will." But I know it won't. I don't have the fucking energy to fight this thing anymore. I don't know what to do. I've talked to atheists, agnostics, pastors, youth pastors, christian counselors, an atheist counselor, legalistic christians, liberal christians, ignorant christians, friendly/chill christians, and fucking insane christians. None of them could help me. No one can help me. I don't know how to fix this thing. I want this all to stop, honest to god, but I don't know how. I imagine some of you might be tired of seeing me post on these boards, but trust me, I'm tired of it too. I can't help but see myself in your words. I know what it's like, to feel like every day is just torture, just total agony and knowing that there's something wrong but not being able to fix it..... Feeling totally worn out like you can't go on, like it will never get better. All these things i go through. I came out, i am currently experiencing some of the same, but at least this time i know it can get better...It's always harder the first time, you can't see a way and you've never been through an "episode" of it You are not weak-minded , you are a victim of fear mongering. Would you blame another for being verbally abused? Likewise, you have no reason to be hard on yourself for something you can't control. I can't say i've mastered this....and sometimes i don't fully believe it and am hard on myself. However you are a person, like everyone else. You deserve love, compassion, and acceptance, like everyone else. Especially from yourself, One thing that always helped me was knowing that nothing stays the same, nothing. You have a real chance, whether you believe it right now or not. If you find a good counselor/therapist you will find ways to cope and make your life better. You can do it, with help from medicine maybe, but you can. Although i know that's not of much consolation, doesn't seem true, or just like a flat out lie to you right now, but it's true. I first experienced extreme depression /anxietyabout 3 years ago, i got better, therapy, talking, all really helped. Sure i'm going through crap now, but i was happy, very happy before. I was free, free from fears of christianity. It can happen, it probably won't go away completely or forever, but it can get a LOT better. There are times you can be ok that life will be ok. I can't offer much, but i can offer an ear if you wish to talk. I'm sorry you're going through this, but you will be ok. Eventually you will be ok. All you need is some help and some people to care for you. The hardest part is learning to care for and be loving with yourself. Go easy on yourself ok? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DamnedSoul Posted August 11, 2011 Author Share Posted August 11, 2011 I've been trying to reply to all of your posts, but my mind is so restless at the moment that I can't find the words to express what I'm thinking. So, for now, let me just say this. I appreciate all of your kind words of encouragement. That's helping me right now more than anything. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
chosendarkness Posted August 11, 2011 Share Posted August 11, 2011 The self-hatred, the feeling that you aren't good enough, that's what they want you to have so you'll run to them to fix it. That's the brainwashing that you're still working through talking, not a description of who you are. Especially when it's extremely nutty Christianity, the brainwashing causes you to feel like a piece of dung if you aren't under it's control. That kind of religion wants absolute power over you, so it's designed to really fuck you up if you try to get away from it. It's not your fault for feeling like that. The longer you stay away from it the better it gets. Everyday your mind is getting better, and with each post. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DamnedSoul Posted August 11, 2011 Author Share Posted August 11, 2011 Especially when it's extremely nutty Christianity, the brainwashing causes you to feel like a piece of dung if you aren't under it's control. That kind of religion wants absolute power over you, so it's designed to really fuck you up if you try to get away from it. It's not your fault for feeling like that. The longer you stay away from it the better it gets. Everyday your mind is getting better, and with each post. I wouldn't go that far. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
chosendarkness Posted August 11, 2011 Share Posted August 11, 2011 Especially when it's extremely nutty Christianity, the brainwashing causes you to feel like a piece of dung if you aren't under it's control. That kind of religion wants absolute power over you, so it's designed to really fuck you up if you try to get away from it. It's not your fault for feeling like that. The longer you stay away from it the better it gets. Everyday your mind is getting better, and with each post. I wouldn't go that far. Maybe you can't see it but we can. It probably doesn't seem like it because this new way of thinking is throwing you into turmoil, but when you experience that it means you're having a shift, which is always chaotic. If you need professional help or medication though, by all means you should pursue that as well. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DamnedSoul Posted August 11, 2011 Author Share Posted August 11, 2011 Maybe you can't see it but we can. It probably doesn't seem like it because this new way of thinking is throwing you into turmoil, but when you experience that it means you're having a shift, which is always chaotic. If you need professional help or medication though, by all means you should pursue that as well. I am. Nothing to lose by trying something. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
chosendarkness Posted August 11, 2011 Share Posted August 11, 2011 Maybe you can't see it but we can. It probably doesn't seem like it because this new way of thinking is throwing you into turmoil, but when you experience that it means you're having a shift, which is always chaotic. If you need professional help or medication though, by all means you should pursue that as well. I am. Nothing to lose by trying something. That's right. Do whatever it takes to take care of you. By any means necessary. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DamnedSoul Posted August 12, 2011 Author Share Posted August 12, 2011 That's right. Do whatever it takes to take care of you. By any means necessary. Some aspects I don't know how to properly handle. It's easy enough to do things for myself. But when others are involved, it's not that simple. I don't have a damn clue how to handle friends. I'm finding it hard to find a point between extremes when it comes to dealing with people. It's either spitting in their faces or being an absolute pushover. It's either go along with the typical fake church bullshit or bluntly spit out something I would later regret. I find it hard to say what I'm thinking in a gentle, respectable way. Example scenario - I'm pulling up to the church I spent most of my life in to drop a friend off, them assuming I'm going too. When I don't park, they ask what I'm doing. "I'm not staying." "Why not?" ..........What then? I don't know how to answer those kinds of questions without either saying something like "Piss off, I don't want anything to do with your damn church" or some watered down half assed excuse like "Oh, I don't feel like being around a lot of people" or "I have something I have to do" or some shit like that. I'm either one extreme or the other. Unable to actually calmly give a respectable, rational answer. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
chosendarkness Posted August 12, 2011 Share Posted August 12, 2011 That's right. Do whatever it takes to take care of you. By any means necessary. Some aspects I don't know how to properly handle. It's easy enough to do things for myself. But when others are involved, it's not that simple. I don't have a damn clue how to handle friends. I'm finding it hard to find a point between extremes when it comes to dealing with people. It's either spitting in their faces or being an absolute pushover. It's either go along with the typical fake church bullshit or bluntly spit out something I would later regret. I find it hard to say what I'm thinking in a gentle, respectable way. Example scenario - I'm pulling up to the church I spent most of my life in to drop a friend off, them assuming I'm going too. When I don't park, they ask what I'm doing. "I'm not staying." "Why not?" ..........What then? I don't know how to answer those kinds of questions without either saying something like "Piss off, I don't want anything to do with your damn church" or some watered down half assed excuse like "Oh, I don't feel like being around a lot of people" or "I have something I have to do" or some shit like that. I'm either one extreme or the other. Unable to actually calmly give a respectable, rational answer. You could try being assertive but not acting upset. Christians don't usually say anything when you do that. I guess they're not used to someone politely refusing their religion because it's healthier to stay away. It's not arguing, it's just saying, 'No thanks'. How's the doctor search going? Right now I'm looking for a good therapist. I have a lot of unresolved trauma. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Godless Dave Posted August 12, 2011 Share Posted August 12, 2011 If you went back to the website, recognise it for what it is and are horrified, you are not weak-minded and you are not being swayed they way they want you to be. Fear isn't always a weakness. Courage isn't a lack of fear, it is acting despite fear. What she said. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DamnedSoul Posted August 12, 2011 Author Share Posted August 12, 2011 You could try being assertive but not acting upset. Christians don't usually say anything when you do that. I guess they're not used to someone politely refusing their religion because it's healthier to stay away. It's not arguing, it's just saying, 'No thanks'. How's the doctor search going? Right now I'm looking for a good therapist. I have a lot of unresolved trauma. Yeah. That probably is how I should go about doing it. With the way I'm feeling right now though, I don't know if I could do it without snapping in anger. I'm struggling a lot with feelings of hatred towards a certain part of my old church right now, for some personal reasons. And the lingering Christian guilt is alongside it, because of all the unforgiveness in my heart towards a certain member of the staff. The doctor search is temporarily halted. Reason being, the person who is helping me find one is currently looking for the personal number of a doctor he knows, who he is or used to be friends with. Then again, that was a seperate doctor for a different issue altogether. We know of a doctor I'm going to try, but we're currently looking into my insurance to see if that will take care of it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
chosendarkness Posted August 13, 2011 Share Posted August 13, 2011 You could try being assertive but not acting upset. Christians don't usually say anything when you do that. I guess they're not used to someone politely refusing their religion because it's healthier to stay away. It's not arguing, it's just saying, 'No thanks'. How's the doctor search going? Right now I'm looking for a good therapist. I have a lot of unresolved trauma. Yeah. That probably is how I should go about doing it. With the way I'm feeling right now though, I don't know if I could do it without snapping in anger. I'm struggling a lot with feelings of hatred towards a certain part of my old church right now, for some personal reasons. And the lingering Christian guilt is alongside it, because of all the unforgiveness in my heart towards a certain member of the staff. I don't stigmatize anger like I used to, it's one of the emotions I go through as I try to deal with what's happened to me. It needs an outlet because it can get you into trouble if you just wait around for it to come out. Forgiving is for you, not any gods or scriptures, it's only about you coming to terms with it for your own peace of mind and heath. Plus you don't want to assault someone or destroy property and end up in jail. I don't think it's really the thing to focus on fixing in the first place though, there are much more practical ways of looking at our situation, which we can't see but someone from the outside can, and even better if it's someone with experience dealing with our specific problem. I don't have insurance, but at this point I'll even trust a therapist that's still learning if they have at least some experience and educattion about my particular problem. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DamnedSoul Posted August 13, 2011 Author Share Posted August 13, 2011 I don't stigmatize anger like I used to, it's one of the emotions I go through as I try to deal with what's happened to me. It needs an outlet because it can get you into trouble if you just wait around for it to come out. Forgiving is for you, not any gods or scriptures, it's only about you coming to terms with it for your own peace of mind and heath. Plus you don't want to assault someone or destroy property and end up in jail. I don't think it's really the thing to focus on fixing in the first place though, there are much more practical ways of looking at our situation, which we can't see but someone from the outside can, and even better if it's someone with experience dealing with our specific problem. I don't have insurance, but at this point I'll even trust a therapist that's still learning if they have at least some experience and educattion about my particular problem. I don't like holding bitterness and unforgiveness towards people. Religious or not. It's just not something I believe is right. I also don't think it's right to be a doormat. That attitude pisses me off more than being unwilling to forgive people. Surely there's a fine line that is morally commendable. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DamnedSoul Posted August 13, 2011 Author Share Posted August 13, 2011 I have become such a loser. This is fucking pathetic. I need to snap out of this and get a life. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
chosendarkness Posted August 14, 2011 Share Posted August 14, 2011 I have become such a loser. This is fucking pathetic. I need to snap out of this and get a life. Sometimes we can't just snap out of it, we need help from others. I've known people that were helped tremendously by psychotropic meds, others that weren't. And I think the success of therapy has a lot to do with the willingness and openness of the patient. Right now I'm open as shit so I think it would work. I don't see how it could not help getting these terrible feelings out and facing them. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Deva Posted August 14, 2011 Share Posted August 14, 2011 Example scenario - I'm pulling up to the church I spent most of my life in to drop a friend off, them assuming I'm going too. When I don't park, they ask what I'm doing. "I'm not staying." "Why not?" ..........What then? I don't know how to answer those kinds of questions without either saying something like "Piss off, I don't want anything to do with your damn church" or some watered down half assed excuse like "Oh, I don't feel like being around a lot of people" or "I have something I have to do" or some shit like that. I'm either one extreme or the other. Unable to actually calmly give a respectable, rational answer. What's wrong with saying "I have other plans?" Even if you just want to go home and rest or something, its still other plans and people do not need to have complete explanations of your actions. Maybe its because I have lived alone for so long, but I simply don't think other people are entitled to, nor do they actually want to hear, the whole truth. Its too bad that most of what passes as "a social life" consists of play acting in one form or another but I think that is mostly what it is. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DamnedSoul Posted August 14, 2011 Author Share Posted August 14, 2011 Sometimes we can't just snap out of it, we need help from others. I've known people that were helped tremendously by psychotropic meds, others that weren't. And I think the success of therapy has a lot to do with the willingness and openness of the patient. Right now I'm open as shit so I think it would work. I don't see how it could not help getting these terrible feelings out and facing them. I'm trying to as open as possible to whatever might help. What's wrong with saying "I have other plans?" Even if you just want to go home and rest or something, its still other plans and people do not need to have complete explanations of your actions. Maybe its because I have lived alone for so long, but I simply don't think other people are entitled to, nor do they actually want to hear, the whole truth. Its too bad that most of what passes as "a social life" consists of play acting in one form or another but I think that is mostly what it is. Sometimes I'm not even sure I want to keep close friends, seems like all they do is pry into your life and tell you what to do. I'm sick of pretending to be something I'm not for the sake of friendships. If they don't like it, they can get over it. Sometimes the only reason I don't give a calm answer such as the one you suggested is because I have so much anger built up, that it's sometimes hard to just say something without spitting it out in anger. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DamnedSoul Posted August 14, 2011 Author Share Posted August 14, 2011 What the hell am I saying? I am essentially spitting in the face of anyone who has ever tried to give a damn about me. I'm a selfish prick. What the fuck is wrong with me? So damned angry. At everyone. Especially myself. Don't know how to handle it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Noggy Posted August 14, 2011 Share Posted August 14, 2011 Get hippie friends. They accept and love everyone. Seriously. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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