Do You Remember When You First Realized You Didnt Believe Anymore?

[JadedAtheist]

It was gradual for me as well. It was a series of events (spanning several years) that knocked off big chunks of my faith. Alongside this was the realization of things like everyone thinks they're right and confirmation bias leading to us reaffirming our beliefs that caused me to be pretty much worn down to a nub. I was still clenching on but I realized that I wasn't going to believe again because I knew deep down it was all lies. From the time I had serious issues till the time I completely pulled out was about a year.

[Foxy Methoxy]

I remember losing my faith in God all too well. I was making out with this girl from my youth group for three hours straight. I was feeling her up. She was feeling me down. I was all worked up, hot and bothered to the red line. And when I tried to undress her, she told me "We can't do that. We're Christians."

[dichotomy]

I don't think there was a specific moment for me, but there were a few key points of realisation that things were not as they once were.

 

1) There was a point where I decided that I couldn't bring myself to sing words or say prayers that I didn't agree with theologically, ethically or biblically speaking (I still believed in God and thought of myself as a christian but was having serious issues with church doctrine and theology etc.) So I'd be in church and I'd just omit verses and lines of songs that I didn't agree with. One morning I realised that I hadn't sung *any verses* of *any* song. That was an eye opener.

 

2) Not long after my dad died I was talking with family and of course his beliefs came up and whether or not he'd be in heaven or hell, or indeed what exactly the afterlife - new heavens, new earth - entailed. And I realised that not only did I not really believe in heaven or hell anymore I didn't really care. At this point I was still attending church occasionally and going through the motions of being a christian but it made me stop and think whether this was just habit.

 

3) I don't remember when it was, but I was talking to a christian friend about church and something that was going on. I no longer had anything to do with church and I didn't do anything 'christian' anymore but I had up until this point still been battling with my faith and doubts and still wanted to believe. But when she was talking I discovered that I just *didn't* agree or believe and found myself saying 'when I *was* a christian....' and from then on I accepted my faith had gone.

[Deva]

I do actually remember the main reason why I couldn't go back to church. My boyfriend, who left me for someone else, was a member there and it was just too acutely painful. This was around 2001. I think if it had not been for him I would have left that church in 1998 or so. Seeing him kept me around there so when our relationship ended, that was it. I was already well on my way out of Christianity.

 

This comes to mind because early this morning I had a dream about this man. I was trying to get out of the country and had to stand in a long line for a long wait to appear before some people behind a desk. I said "I can show you my driver's license" and dug around in my purse for a long time to find it but when I pulled it out and handed it to them, it was my old boyfriend's license! I said "oh, I saw him last night and that's why I have it", then I kept looking but could never find my own license. Then I woke up.

 

Sometimes I have interesting dreams.

[oddbird1963]

I was never really a strong Calvinist. You know , "T-U-L-I-P."

 

Huh? Is that some kind of Calvinist in-joke? I'm lost....

 

Sorry, VC. TULIP is an acronym for the basic tenets of Calvinism.

 

From the Wikipedia Article (I had to look it up. It's been a longtime since I dealt with "TULIP):

 

The central assertion of these canons is that God is able to save every person upon whom he has mercy, and that his efforts are not frustrated by the unrighteousness or inability of humans.

 

Total depravity: This doctrine, also called "total inability", asserts that as a consequence of the fall of man into sin, every person born into the world is enslaved to the service of sin. People are not by nature inclined to love God with their whole heart, mind, or strength, but rather all are inclined to serve their own interests over those of their neighbor and to reject the rule of God. Thus, all people by their own faculties are morally unable to choose to follow God and be saved because they are unwilling to do so out of the necessity of their own natures. (The term "total" in this context refers to sin affecting every part of a person, not that every person is as evil as possible.)[10] This doctrine is borrowed from Augustine who was a member of a Manichaean sect in his youth.

Unconditional election: This doctrine asserts that God has chosen from eternity those whom he will bring to himself not based on foreseen virtue, merit, or faith in those people; rather, it is unconditionally grounded in God's mercy alone. God has chosen from eternity to extend mercy to those He has chosen and to withhold mercy from those not chosen. Those chosen receive salvation through Christ alone. Those not chosen receive the just wrath that is warranted for their sins against God [11]

Limited atonement: Also called "particular redemption" or "definite atonement", this doctrine asserts that Jesus's substitutionary atonement was definite and certain in its design and accomplishment. This implies that only the sins of the elect were atoned for by Jesus's death. Calvinists do not believe, however, that the atonement is limited in its value or power, but rather that the atonement is limited in the sense that it is designed for some and not all. Hence, Calvinists hold that the atonement is sufficient for all and efficient for the elect.[12] The doctrine is driven by the Calvinistic concept of the sovereignty of God in salvation and their understanding of the nature of the atonement.

Irresistible grace: This doctrine, also called "efficacious grace", asserts that the saving grace of God is effectually applied to those whom he has determined to save (that is, the elect) and, in God's timing, overcomes their resistance to obeying the call of the gospel, bringing them to a saving faith. This means that when God sovereignly purposes to save someone, that individual certainly will be saved. The doctrine holds that every influence of God's Holy Spirit cannot be resisted, but that the Holy Spirit, "graciously causes the elect sinner to cooperate, to believe, to repent, to come freely and willingly to Christ."[13]

Perseverance of the saints: Perseverance (or preservation) of the saints (the word "saints" is used in the Biblical sense to refer to all who are set apart by God, and not in the technical sense of one who is exceptionally holy, canonized, or in heaven). The doctrine asserts that since God is sovereign and his will cannot be frustrated by humans or anything else, those whom God has called into communion with himself will continue in faith until the end. Those who apparently fall away either never had true faith to begin with or will return.[14]

 

In my particular Southern Baptist Circles, most baulked at or didn't have the courage to proclaim limited atonement because it meant , to them, that Jesus' sacrifice didn't apply to everybody. And that just didn't seem fair.

 

I think we were half-assed about Unconditional election. It's one thing to focus on being part of the elect. But it , once again, seems unfair to tell people "you just may not be chosen by god - for no reason!" Being a Southern Baptist, we LOVED nbr five: Perseverance of the saints.

 

Anyway, I was a "four point calvinist" and not a five point calvinist.

 

To borrow from George Carlin a bit, "now I'm a human being. You know, you grow!"

[fallenleaf]

Although I don't remember the date, the moment is clear as day for me. This remains true despite the years that have passed.

 

I had been struggling with believing for a while. I really wanted to believe and was fighting to try and get myself right with God or whatever. I had started reading apologetics and all sorts of things by this time but my awakening wasn't with one of those books in front of me. It might help to provide some background. I was a natural atheist for most of my life until I realized that people were serious about religion -- I swear, I don't know what I thought but I figured everyone just played along with it or something. When I converted, I probably never gave myself completely over to it. I don't like to point that out to fundies when talking to them because they just pull the "you were never saved bullshit." That's not true, I was saved. But I also was very sure of my own understanding.

 

An example of that was when I was forced to try and reconcile my understanding of self-gratification and the church's stance on it. When faced with the contradiction between what I understood to be true (it was a good and wonderful boon) and what I was told was true (it was a horrible sin and defiled your body). . . I chose my own understanding. If the church was right in their opinion on the matter, then God was wrong. But I just assumed the church was wrong and ignored the whole thing.

 

Anyway, it's a couple years later and I'm struggling.

 

There I was, in English class. I remember being lost in my own thoughts and was thinking about God and religion. And I started to recite the litany of faith: "I believe in one God... Jesus the son... [etc]." It was basically my simplified understanding of the Nicene creed. I went through it in my head. But something happened when I got to the end.

 

Instead of stopping, I heard myself ask the horrible question: "Do you really believe that?"

 

And then, somewhere deep in my head, I heard a quiet but very firm voice say, "No."

 

That was it. I had already decided years before that my own understanding trumped the assertions of the church and religion. There was no more debate about it and no more doubt. I knew, in that moment, that I was no longer a Christian. I asked to go to the bathroom and by the time I got there, I was crying. It wasn't sadness and it wasn't joy. I think it was just relief... whatever I had been going through was over. I didn't know what I was. I didn't know where I was going after that. All I knew was that I wasn't a Christian and that was ok with me.

 

This began years of study of religion and hiding my apostasy from the crazy and dangerous fundies around me. I never got to share that revelation with anyone at the time. But that is my moment... the crossing over. And, while I tried, I never was able to return to faith.

[Ro-bear]

I remember losing my faith in God all too well. I was making out with this girl from my youth group for three hours straight. I was feeling her up. She was feeling me down. I was all worked up, hot and bothered to the red line. And when I tried to undress her, she told me "We can't do that. We're Christians."

 

 

I don't blame you. What kind of God wants a good boner to be wasted?

[Foxy Methoxy]

Exactly! A loving God would not want my nuts to ache.

[stryper]

Exactly! A loving God would not want my nuts to ache.

 

Is it a tumor?

[Serendipity Rose]

There wasn't one moment, but several for me though I didn't recognize them the first few times.

 

When I was, what is it, 9 or 10 in the Baptist church, that they want you to "accept Jesus as your saviour."? I remember ALL of my friends did it, even the ones that I knew didn't care. I was so conflicted because I knew it would mean so much to my Mom and, being the youngest with a hippie sister 14 years older than me, I felt responsible for my Mom's happiness since my sister obviously wasn't. So I did it, even though the whole thing seemed like a "show", from everyone, not just me.

 

Still didn't occur to me that I didn't believe. I guess I just thought that the holy spirit just hadn't "touched" me yet.

 

Then, when I was in my early 20's I had cut a quote out from the newspaper that was something about the individual taking responsibility for themselves because, ultimately, we are on our own. I thought it was a nice quote and showed it to my sis and she was shocked and told me it was a quote from a famous atheist. I was kind of shocked at first, I had never even considered that there was anything to an atheist other than, you know, being a devil worshipper and a terrible person and all. I had this vague idea in the back of my mind that it made sense, though.

 

No, it still didn't occur to me that I didn't really believe in spite of the fact that I hadn't been going to church since I was 16.

 

I got married to a moderate Catholic at 25 and sorta became Catholic and went to church with him for 23 years.

 

My Mom died in 2005 and then my Dad in 2008. After my Dad was gone and we took care of material matters and I came home with all of my memories of my parents lives in my trunk and in my mind, it was like this heavy weight was suddenly lifted off of me. I realized that I no longer had to pretend to be a believer now that my parents were gone.

 

I hadn't even realized that I was pretending.

 

Christians say that people become atheist because they just want to go out and sin. It couldn't be farther from the truth. I am now free to go out and do all of the good that I have always wanted to do but was restricted from doing because I couldn't, in good conscience, become involved in church sponsored charitable events because I had always thought that it was unfair to do good on the condition that those you were doing good for must listen to and feel compelled to agree with a church's dogma or doctrine. It felt so conditional. Now, all of my charity comes from me, with no conditions, from MY heart.

 

I've never been happier in my life.

[Discern]

Yep, I remember. I had been doing a lot of studying and trying to get back to "the real Jesus", because I had become disillusioned with the doctrines I had been raised with. I decided to go back to study the old chestnut of biblical prophecy. Prophecy had always pissed me off even as a christian, because when I looked at the alleged prophecies, they didn't look like prophecies to me - despite preachers and other prophecy buffs saying otherwise. To me, the evidence looked really flimsy. But I took it all on good faith, since everyone else seemed to believe it.

 

Anyway, I felt it was time to give prophecy one last shot, hoping I'd find something that would increase my faith and make Jesus real to me again. So I ended up finding ProfMTH's Jesus Was Not the Messiah series on YouTube. It was probably about two minutes in when he mentioned Matthew 2:23, in which Matthew refers to a prophecy stating that Jesus shall be called a Nazarene. ProfMTH promptly explained that that prophecy simply couldn't be found in the Bible. It didn't exist. "Ha!" I found myself exclaiming with disdain, as the lights went on and I realized how duped I had been by christianity. In an instant, I jumped the fence and was on the opposite side.