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I Never Wanted To Be An Atheist!


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Hi guys. I’m new here and I would like to tell my story in brief, in the hopes that someone else here may have some insight into what I am going through.

 

I am approaching my mid twenties now and I was born into a one of the most fundamental Christian families imaginable. Originally baptist, we soon converted to wild Pentecostalism (scary stuff for a kid). My mother knowing best, decided that the secular schooling system was corrupt, so we moved to the remote country side and were schooled by the home school A.C.E Christian education system. I was completely isolated from everything as a child, except from the church of course. We then moved back into city life in my mid teens, following some of my fathers prophesy’s from God. I was a shell of a boy at this time and had zero social skills (couldn't even buy a news paper at 16!). Slowly, over many years, I have worked myself up into a reasonably functional person. I guess that I have been agnostic for a few years now, although I didn't know it at the time. But about a year ago, while overseas, I decided to not just 'know God was real', but rather to become neutral on the subject and decide for myself. I did not want religion if it was not real. I then began to live my life however I chose. I chose everything for myself; whether to be rude or polite, whether to sleep around or not, whether to smoke or not, take drugs or not, etc. I came back from my trip thinking that I had worked everything out. I had the best time and was ready to live my own life back home. I had met a woman while overseas and had fallen in love! My very first relationship! Everything was going wonderfully well and we were planning for her to come and visit me in my country. But two weeks before she came by, she mentioned some details about her sexual relationship with her past boyfriend. That instantly struck a cord! That hurt me so much, but I really did not understand why at the time. Two weeks later she came, and everything was wonderful! She blew my mind (in the bed room). She was everything that I ever had wanted in a woman (although a non-christian). Everything was so beautiful and we fell more and more in love. The issue with her past seemed to momentarily leave me, and we just enjoyed every moment we had together. After some time, she left and went back to her country. Not long after this, my issue with her past came back. I became obsessed with her past, finding out more and more details, making both of us more and more miserable. Dredging through her past relationships, I was only serving to hurt both of us. Its not like she had slept around, but compared with my past, it was huge! I deeply loved this woman, and I wanted so much just to let this go so that we could be happy again. I was so anxious at the time and even had to resort to some medication just so that I could get some sleep. It was here that I began in earnest to prove or disprove the existence of God. I thought to myself, that if their is no God, then what she did before me was not wrong. Or, maybe this pain meant that the Biblical morals are real and deep inside all of us, as I had always been taught. That others only didn’t care about this because they had numbed their inner conscience from God. After two horrible months of pain and rubbish, I finally realized that I could not get over this. I had to let her go. That was the most difficult decision of my life, and it broke my heart and hers. I had wanted to approach our relationship almost from the Biblical approach (and marry soon), but for many reasons, that was not possible. Its now been a months since we broke up. The last three months have been the most difficult time of my life! I have been reading pro-God and anti-God books with every spare minute I have. I haven’t spoken to my parents in about a month, as they did not seem interested in helping me with my pain and problems (they were to busy trying to figure out if I had slept with her, and took little interest in helping me). And as of a few days ago, I became an atheist. That was a shock! To call myself an atheist after all this time was very weird. I have only told some of my non-christian friends who don’t seem to understand what I am going through. I still have great pain from loosing my love, and over something that could never be changed. My whole life has collapsed in front of me. I don’t know who I am any more...

 

I never really wanted to be an atheist. I always like most of the Christian values that were instilled upon me from a child. All of my family, as far back as one can go are all Christians, and I see that as part of my culture. But my intellect will no longer allow me to believe. I don’t know who I am anymore, or why I should do anything in life. Given the reason that this relationship collapsed, I am very confused about how to approach future relationships. I know that I can’t be with a Christian woman anymore. My entire world has been turned upside down. So much has changed and so quickly, that I have somehow lost the connection with my own person...

 

Can anyone here relate or understand this? Maybe it wouldn’t have been so bad if I had just gone through one thing at a time, but life isn’t like that is it...

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I understand. I didn't go looking to lose my faith, either; it just sort of happened. Logic and sense snuck up on me. :HaHa: There are lots of us here in the same boat, and we're all here for you. :)

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The sex card is often the most deeply instilled fundie value, especially if you were devout through puberty. I'm still struggling as well to let go of some of the leftover feelings I have. Although intellectually I believe in sexual freedom, I still remember how it felt to constantly judge other people in a very black and white way when it came to sexuality. I'm better now than a few weeks ago, but of course, these things will take time.

 

Welcome to reality, and congrats on breaking out of your intellectual prison. However, the journey from here will be tough! But doable.

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Welcome

 

Your obsession with who your girl had sex with previously comes not from the xian meme but perhaps b/c she was your first and not visa versa.

 

Live with the fact that women like sex too and in cultures where the taboo is all but dismissed, expect not to find too many virgins.

 

For example, all the EU girls I ever had sex with needed no invitation from me to give me a BJ and they seemed to enjoy giving it and swallowed. (sorry to be so crass) One was even a devout catholic.

 

Obsessing with previous relationships serves no purpose and you are being jealous of stuff that does not concern you.

 

The xian meme is very much about who you fuck and when you fuck them with very little based on reality aka real life.

 

No way you are going to repair this and I suggest you move on. If you still want to remain xian but feel you have committed some sin then I have no advice. The reasons for your atheism seem a little shallow. There are plenty of other reasons to dismiss xianity and sex is IMO the least of them. Do not think xians are all lil' angels, everyone fucks and everyone enjoys it and many are kinky too.

 

The fact that you wanted to marry asap tells me that there is still a connection between sex and long term commitment in your mind. If so, you will run into this problem again.

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Thanks for your responses.

 

No way you are going to repair this and I suggest you move on. If you still want to remain xian but feel you have committed some sin then I have no advice. The reasons for your atheism seem a little shallow. There are plenty of other reasons to dismiss xianity and sex is IMO the least of them.

 

I did not leave christianity because of sex, but rather, that is what started my indepth investigation, prompted by the pain that her past caused me. My unbelief is now based upon thorough investigation and rational thought. I realise that this relationship is lost, but this idea about sex is so ingrained into me that I am very worried it will affect future relationships. I guess part of me is also upset about all of the lost years were I could have been in nice relationships.

 

How did you guys get over the sex card issue?

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Timcik

 

It's probably best that you did leave her if you can't forgive her past. I wonder though, was it your religious beliefs that made it difficult for you, or was it just the idea of her being with another guy, or was it that you couldn't trust her? A long distant relationship I believe can make one consider all these things.

 

Unfortunately this had to occur while you were making the transition to Atheism. The hurt of losing a girl can really make the loss of a god far worse. What purpose then do I have without a god, who am I, and what is the point in living? These questions will surely flood in and it will be harder because of your loss. This is exactly how I felt when I first became an Atheist, but I had it easier because I wasn't hurting.

 

It took some time to critically consider these questions, but I did finally understand. Those answers came slowly like steps to becoming a logical Atheist, or like taking Atheist 101 slowly. Understanding these simple but complicated questions gave me peace, and I have been relatively happy ever since .I like to share them with you!!

 

The first thing that came to my realization was that life is far better without the Christian- god. As if it was bad to lose god, how much better is it that he doesn't exist: no hell, no sin, etc. I realized that my life is far better without that god, so what's the problem.

 

Next, I realized that without that god I was truly free to be myself: creative, different, original. These things become very exciting to me because I could now really find "who I am " (and I did). Finally I wasn't held down by the fear of some god getting upset with me because I wasn't like to rest of the flock.

 

And finally, the most important question" what is the point in living." This one took a lot longer, but I finally got it; I simply realized that there doesn't need to be a real point. It is the very fact that I am living that matters. Never will I exist again, surly this counts for something. So, the point in living for me is to just live. Or the point in living can be to just experience life, or perhaps to be there for friends and family. When you consider these thing unselfishly you find real reason. I realized this is better than to only exist for the soul purpose of pleasing a disgusting and controlling god.

 

I like to add that these very things are exactly why you should do something in life. But the differences is that you should now go after your heart. Be real with yourself, and do what you have always wanted to do. Life is so exciting knowing that we live in a universe so vast and we are alive. Let this reality sink in your heart/head, that you can really have a full and wonderful life without a god, and inspire to be anything.

 

In my opinion morality is necessary in order for our species to survive. As history shows, humans have never been at the height of morality that they are today. It's an ever growing moral ramp raising slowly with every generation. Slavery was once acceptable in America, but over time as you can see now that is absolutely unthinkable. Anyway, Just imagine us without morality, society wouldn't even exist. Morality is so important humans simply evolved into a passionate, understand, and caring species. That's why we don't just go around bashing each others brains out.

 

Christian women are not the only option, and being with one is going to probably cause you stress. There are a lot of atheist etc good women out there that want to be loved. Just be patient and stop being so negative.

 

Atheism is liberating in many ways, you just need some more time. It has only been a couple days for you. Make sure you do some serious research on the bible; learn about Pascal's Wager, occam's razor, etc .Learn about all the similarities that the bible has to other religions. Study the errors, and forgery/ fraud in the bible .I will leave some sites below to look at.

 

Problems with the bible

http://www.multiline.com.au/~johnm/religion/spurious.htm

 

information on apologetics and counter-apologetics.

http://wiki.ironchariots.org/index.php?title=Main_Page

 

Atheist experience: watch their video they really helped me a lot

http://www.atheist-experience.com/

 

I hope the best for you

 

Jesse

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Welcome, Timcik!

 

I'm not in exactly the same boat as you, but it did feel sort of weird when I called myself an agnostic, and then an atheist for the first time. But it felt good, too. I think it just takes some getting used to. If you're having trouble with your newfound beliefs though (or lack thereof) I suggest thinking of all the positive things that can come of being an atheist. For example, you don't have to worry about what God thinks of you, because he doesn't exist.;) You also get to decide what you want to do with your life, instead of following some big "plan". It's quite freeing.

 

I'm sorry to hear about you losing your girlfriend :( that really sucks. I had a friend that was in a similar situation, but her and her boyfriend are still together. It's tough I think, when somebody else is your first, but it's not the other way around.

Its not like she had slept around, but compared with my past, it was huge!
This is exactly how my friend said she felt. I don't think that these kinds of emotions come from any religious source personally. I think that maybe it's just because the fact that the person was with somebody else reminds you that you haven't "done anything" in your past, and it upsets you and makes you jealous of them. Hey, I'm jealous of my friend because she's gotten to visit a lot of other places around the world, and I've never been off the east coast of the US! It's just part of human nature I think.
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I wonder though, was it your religious beliefs that made it difficult for you, or was it just the idea of her being with another guy, or was it that you couldn't trust her? A long distant relationship I believe can make one consider all these things.

 

I completely trusted her and I knew she wouldn't cheat on me. I would't say that the issue was religious by nature, rather, I could not comprehend how such a wonderful and careing person could have possibly had such sexual relationships. The idea that she had been physically intimate with another guy was just uncomprehensible to me. I would even have images coming up in my mind, seeing her in the heat of the moment with another man. I guess it was partly what I had always been taught about sex, and partly my insecurities and religious beliefs that sex was wrong. And yes, long distance didn't help. Like I said above, I was fine when she was with me.

 

Atheism is liberating in many ways, you just need some more time. It has only been a couple days for you. Make sure you do some serious research on the bible; learn about Pascal's Wager, occam's razor, etc .Learn about all the similarities that the bible has to other religions. Study the errors, and forgery/ fraud in the bible .I will leave some sites below to look at.

 

Well, the atheist title is new to me, but the process has taken some time. I really appreciate your thoughts in your responce and am already familiar with all of the above. Heck I've even read the Qur'an. I also found alot of helpful videos on youtube which helped me alot.

 

Thanks to all the others for their helpful replies! I've found some great insight in this forum.

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There are a lot of atheist etc good women out there that want to be loved. Just be patient and stop being so negative.

 

You could almost say that I am 'praying' for this! To come from my background into the world, certaily I see that many women have been looking for different things in relationships to that which I have...

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I did not leave christianity because of sex, but rather, that is what started my indepth investigation, prompted by the pain that her past caused me. My unbelief is now based upon thorough investigation and rational thought. I realise that this relationship is lost, but this idea about sex is so ingrained into me that I am very worried it will affect future relationships. I guess part of me is also upset about all of the lost years were I could have been in nice relationships.

The only way to move forward is not to be hung up on any future pairings that may occur.

 

Not saying what worked for me will work for you, if in the future you find a girl you like, suggest shacking up as a test before making a long term commitment like marriage - that is to say she does not simply want you as a casual partner. You would have to be sensitive to posing the question.

 

If sex is all that keeps you together, it wains and there is no damage done. This test would be more for you than her.

 

There is still something to be said for learning to befriend a girl before simply wanting to get laid. If a girl already trusts you to drop her pants for you, that should be an indication that she trusts you and likes you somewhat. Remember too, it may be you that ends up incompatible with her.

 

Lastly if you are dating the good looking gene pool, do not expect to find too many virgins there (if that is an issue for you) Also, if you want to settle down, you can be negatively projecting this to girls that still want to have fun.

 

I am guessing you are still young. If so enjoy the rides.:wicked: Chance will pair you up with someone compatible if you are not or do not become a douche bag.

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There are a lot of atheist etc good women out there that want to be loved. Just be patient and stop being so negative.

 

You could almost say that I am 'praying' for this! To come from my background into the world, certaily I see that many women have been looking for different things in relationships to that which I have...

 

Hope as best you can because the older you get the less likely you will find a virgin. At your age I felt the same way, but frankly, virgins are horrible at sex and they will most likely cheat because they will want to experience a few men. Experienced women on the other hand have already had their fun and are ready to settle down. Perhaps in the future you will change your mind, but right now good luck finding your untouched one.

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Also remember that you repressed your sexual urges while she did not. There's a disconnect there, so I know what you are referring to as far as the issue with her past sexual relationships (although I am still a virgin, meh). I'm not sure what the exact emotion is - frustration, maybe? Frustration at your own past, and maybe almost a sense of jealousy at the other person - not about the other guys per se, but about the fact that she was able to have sex while you intensely repressed your own sexuality. It's like you get no credit for your "sacrifice," if that makes any sense.

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Also remember that you repressed your sexual urges while she did not. There's a disconnect there, so I know what you are referring to as far as the issue with her past sexual relationships (although I am still a virgin, meh). I'm not sure what the exact emotion is - frustration, maybe? Frustration at your own past, and maybe almost a sense of jealousy at the other person - not about the other guys per se, but about the fact that she was able to have sex while you intensely repressed your own sexuality. It's like you get no credit for your "sacrifice," if that makes any sense.

 

Yeah that's certainly part of it. It's like I waited so long to keep something very special for a very special person, only to find out in the end that it's worth nothing! That all along, I may have just been following my physical desires, because the end result is unchanged.

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She was everything that I ever had wanted in a woman (although a non-christian). Everything was so beautiful and we fell more and more in love...I deeply loved this woman...I had wanted to approach our relationship almost from the Biblical approach (and marry soon), but for many reasons, that was not possible.

 

I never really wanted to be an atheist. I always like most of the Christian values that were instilled upon me from a child...

 

Can anyone here relate or understand this?

 

 

Yeah, as another Tamar I understand, boy do I understand loud and clear.

 

You slept with her and dumped her because she was "immoral"? It seems as though you've added yourself to her list past relationships. How quaint these "Christian values" are! I'm clueless as to how that's "love." Exactly what values were you applying through the course of the relationship?

 

 

It looks like xianity warped another fine young man.

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You slept with her and dumped her because she was "immoral"? It seems as though you've added yourself to her list past relationships. How quaint these "Christian values" are! I'm clueless as to how that's "love." Exactly what values were you applying through the course of the relationship?

 

It looks like xianity warped another fine young man.

Not disagreeing with you but as a female, what exactly are you girls looking for? Your perspective may help the OP.

 

When I was young, we came out of boys only and girls only schools so we were pretty clueless as to what each other wanted in the other. We all had preconceived notions that as I aged found out to be BS.

 

Perhaps share with us, I am sure not much has changed in 30 or so years.

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How did you guys get over the sex card issue?

 

At your age I felt the same way, but frankly, virgins are horrible at sex and they will most likely cheat because they will want to experience a few men. Experienced women on the other hand have already had their fun and are ready to settle down. Perhaps in the future you will change your mind, but right now good luck finding your untouched one.

 

Ok, here's some personal stories about my gradual process of going from a fundy to having an attitude towards sex more like Josefe's.

 

Coming out of a christian high school, I was really clueless about sex, my own body, and the varieties of human sexuality. My first serious relationship I still had the idea that "men cannot respect a woman who is not a virgin" so I refrained from acting on my lust around him so that he'd like me more. He, on the other hand, thought that I wanted to stay a virgin and never asked. I was so afraid of having any lust at all before my wedding night that I never even hugged him, he always had to initiate (well, my kinkiness played into this too, but that was another thing I was clueless about). I didn't realize how much this hurt him, and wasn't really aware of what I was doing. This whole relationship went poorly for both of us.

 

Later, I lost my virginity to a close friend I wasn't dating. We were both going through a rough time, and I was getting nearly suicidal to the point that people talking to me didn't help, but getting hugs at least reminded me that there was something worth living for. Things got to the point of much more than hugs, and at one point I knew that no matter how much fun I was having it was time to tell him to stop, and that he'd be ok with it. So I turned to my conscience and asked it to take over. To my surprise, it went and looked things up in my head, decided I had enough of an emotional attachment to the guy for me to be ok with this, and gave me the green light to go ahead. This was when I realized that I had never believed in the no-sex rule, but that I had always assumed I believed that because everyone around me had told me that's what I believe.

 

When I lost my virginity I was 20. I had never masturbated. I had even heard one sermon where the pastor insisted that doing it yourself is even more evil than adultery because it's such a selfish act. So I was very surprised when my lover bought me toys and encouraged to figure out my own body. He wasn't the least bit jealous about it, and in fact told me that women who know their own bodies make much better partners, and that it's actually more fun for the guy that way because he doesn't have to try to read her mind. I've sense heard similar attitudes from other guys. One guy said he hates one night stands because he's really turned on by women enjoying themselves and it's too much work to figure out what a woman wants in that short a time period.

 

Another thing that surprised me was one time I was looking up stuff online about how different cultures handle gender and sexuality issues. I found one Muslim culture that didn't idolize virgins! In this culture, a divorced woman has one month of mourning time, then a big party where all the single guys vie to be her next husband because divorcees are much more desirable than virgins. They had a quote from one of men that was something like "Divorcees are awesome because they already know how to please a man, you don't have to spend time teaching them!" So there's even a culture that values marriage and fidelity (to the one you're currently married to) and experienced women. The ideal of saving yourself for one person is not a universal human value.

 

Another idea that may or may not help you is the term "serial monogamy". It describes someone who's completely happy with and loyal to their current partner, but doesn't have any moral problem with finding a new partner to be monogamous with after a particular relationship ends. So if you think of your partner that way, it may be easier to not feel threatened by past relationships.

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Hi, Timcik, and welcome to ExC.

 

The thing about leaving Christianity in general and becoming an atheist in particular is that you are not required to act in any particular way (except to obey the laws of the land like everyone is supposed to and maybe to make at least some general effort to comport yourself with common standards of decency while in public). It is Christianity which attempts to pile more on top of its adherents, specifically setting out how one is supposed to act in the sexual sense (as one example since that issue seems to bother you). So, in your new freedom you may continue to embrace the sexual mores you were taught as a Christian if you so choose or you may abandon them if you so choose. Take the time to figure out what suits you best and then go with that. As for women who do not buy into your sexual standards, your choice is either to date them or not (assuming they want to date you).

 

You will eventually get what it means to be free from Christianity. Best of luck to you.

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Just because you left Christianity does not mean you are an atheist or that you have to become an atheist. Leaving Christianity is just that, leaving a cult experience. Some of us have other spiritual interests or religions we found more accommodating. Christianity is only one of thousands of cults people find themselves wrapped up in and almost no way to get out of. We only become stronger when leaving a cult because we get our marbles back, mostly. We are new people in a whole brave new world out there. Sex is only the beginning. You, as a person, have to decide what you can accept and what is not acceptable but that is for you as an individual. We all have feelings about what we like or do not like about others, race, sex, looks, penis size, color, hair style, fashion. We want to stop judging others but we cannot help ourselves!

 

Guilt ruins a good person's esteem. Questions of purity, or virginity, ruins good relationships that would have flourished had one partner been more accepting of the other. Current relationships are what are more important than one's past. We all make mistakes. Having several lovers in one's life is the nature of the beast and for some having several lovers is not considered a mistake--until they join a religion then 'oh my god I made mistakes'--, the drive to procreate runs the universe, we all have that desire for sexual fulfillment. Unfortunately, we also have a tendency to judge others, whether consciously or unconsciously, according to how many lovers one has before meeting us, as if there is some cosmic force that should have prevented them from having intercourse before meeting us! The shame on them! And, by god they should have known they would meet us too! What's a virgin? It's a state of mind. The thrill of virginity is wrapped up in religious brow beating that's been going on for centuries upon centuries. Sex for the first time is the best sex, for most people, a person will ever have. Purity of woman! Only men are supposed to have many lovers, it makes him a stud. A woman with many lovers is a whore. We are taught that shit from childhood. It is an unrealistic approach to finding one's soul-mate. It is good to know about the person you are with, considering the fatal STDs that are rampant these days. However, if you have doubts about the person you love, it is not wrong to get a blood test or HIV test before considering intercourse. If the person you love also loves you they won't gripe about the request, they may not like it but that is why you communicate with the one you love. Tell the person why you want a blood test. Having many lovers can expose a person to many types of illnesses. I've been told that for every person one has sex with, it's like everyone else that has sex with that person also has sex with the last person they had for about a ten year period. Wrap your head around that one! If you can't talk to each other, then you can't live with each other. You can always wear condoms until hell freezes over. If you cannot accept the fact someone has had sex with more than two or three people prior to meeting you, then you are going to be one lonely son of a bitch, because the world doesn't orbit around just one person. We are not the center of creation nor the focal point of the universe. Each of us have needs, each of us have desire. In the scheme of things, you just have to get over yourself and cherish the person you want in your life. Finding a person who loves YOU for who YOU are, is a rare event in the world. If a woman tells you she loves you, then take her word for it that she loves you and if you feel the same way, love her back. It's not rocket science! It's MATURITY! It doesn't matter how many lovers she may have had. That's biology!

 

Love and intimacy are matters of trust and builds and strengthens bonds between two people. Love the one you're with! If you cannot accept someone in your life who has had many lovers in her or his past then I think that shows how shallow one's personal convictions are as a person. When I was a Christian, I never met an honest virgin. The only time they were a virgin was at Sunday School. When they got married I was surprised the white gown they wore did not spontaneously combust! We all have wandering eyes, our thoughts run helter skelter, and people always think about sex and not all the time about having sex with you, if you're the one they are with. And just because they may drift into a happy zone of fantasy sex with someone else, that is still no indication they will have sex with that person. Relationships are also a 'look but don't touch,' realm we live in. That's LIFE! Live it or don't live it. But don't let the teachings of religion ruin a new beginning for you.

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Thanks for the feed back guys. I can see that I'm going to have to bite the bullet on this one and just accept that this is life. It's not how I thought life was, but in the end, my perception was wrong. I guess I just need some more time and life experience. This has been very tough for me, but I hope that I've got a lot of sh*t out of the way, and am now ready to move on with my life...

 

What's a virgin? It's a state of mind.

Yeah that's probably it! I did not want her to have the possibility of being able to think about another man, or remember how it was to be with another man. I guess that was my insecurities showing through. And just because a woman is a virgin, that does not mean that she does not think about other men anyway!

 

I guess I have to get over this all, thinking less about her past, and more about who she is and what our relationship means to her. But that's were it becomes difficult for me. Having such a small amount of experience, it is difficult for me to know what this all means, if anything. For example, their is no way that I could currently be with a woman who has had loads of one night stands, but that is not to say that those will necessarily affect our relationship. Maybe they will, maybe not! But because I do not have that myself, I am not able to easily know. So it's easier to avoid that type of woman I guess.

 

I think it's time for another overseas trip!

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I guess I have to get over this all, thinking less about her past, and more about who she is and what our relationship means to her. But that's were it becomes difficult for me. Having such a small amount of experience, it is difficult for me to know what this all means, if anything. For example, their is no way that I could currently be with a woman who has had loads of one night stands, but that is not to say that those will necessarily affect our relationship. Maybe they will, maybe not! But because I do not have that myself, I am not able to easily know. So it's easier to avoid that type of woman I guess.

 

I think it's time for another overseas trip!

 

Is that because you think she is "dirty" or "soiled" in some way?

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Thanks for your responses.

 

No way you are going to repair this and I suggest you move on. If you still want to remain xian but feel you have committed some sin then I have no advice. The reasons for your atheism seem a little shallow. There are plenty of other reasons to dismiss xianity and sex is IMO the least of them.

 

I did not leave christianity because of sex, but rather, that is what started my indepth investigation, prompted by the pain that her past caused me. My unbelief is now based upon thorough investigation and rational thought. I realise that this relationship is lost, but this idea about sex is so ingrained into me that I am very worried it will affect future relationships. I guess part of me is also upset about all of the lost years were I could have been in nice relationships.

 

How did you guys get over the sex card issue?

 

You be a man and get the fuck over it. Seriously. It's how it's done.

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I guess I have to get over this all, thinking less about her past, and more about who she is and what our relationship means to her. But that's were it becomes difficult for me. Having such a small amount of experience, it is difficult for me to know what this all means, if anything. For example, their is no way that I could currently be with a woman who has had loads of one night stands, but that is not to say that those will necessarily affect our relationship. Maybe they will, maybe not! But because I do not have that myself, I am not able to easily know. So it's easier to avoid that type of woman I guess.

 

I think it's time for another overseas trip!

The way you get over inexperience is to get some. Don't be shy to ask her what to do or what she likes. Porn may give you some hints but that is not really how it works in RL.

 

The key here is not to simply try and get laid but also treat women with some modicum of respect and intelligence. They pick up quick if you are just interested in sex. OTOH if you fall in love with everyone you fuck, they pick up on that too.

 

Go have fun, befriend them and if sex is a result, it is a win-win.

 

It has already been mentioned that society "accepts" the norms of males should be studs and have many women and women should remain chaste. Well that does not really work in RL as there are 50-50 men/women so it stands to reason, if men are going about fucking many women, many women are fucking many men.

 

It is the church that interferes with this natural urge and places shame on both parties.

 

At the end of the day, sex only takes so long and there still needs to be conversation and some mutual interests/friendship.

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Timcik: Ok, how are you going to 'avoid that kind of woman?' Seriously, dude.

 

I was more like a whore before I met my wife. She knows all about my past affairs, I think a football stadium might fit everyone inside (it's an exaggeration but not much of one)! She was married twice before me. She was introduced to her husbands by her parents through their church. The first one cheated on her, she found out and they divorced within three months of marriage. Husband number two, a real good church goer, tried to kill her about six months into the marriage when he found out she was pregnant with his baby and he tried to take a coat hanger to her. They divorced soon afterwards. She met me, we got married two months later, and we've been together night and day for almost 19 years now. She took a chance on me, and I grew up in the head. We are honest with each other, we communicate, if anyone tries to get between us we tell each other and they are out of our lives. She doesn't poke and prod at each and every memory I have of other women. If she asks, I tell her. I was honest with her before we got married and I've stayed faithful and honest with her since we got married. It's a matter of respect for the one you're with. You can search the whole world over and you may never find the kind of woman you are looking for. My motto is 'if at first you don't succeed, lower your standards!' My wife lowered her standards from a god-given gift of religious bliss and got me. Am I perfect? No but she thinks I am. I'm not bragging or exaggerating when I say she worships the ground I walk on. She treats me like a king because I give her that much respect, faithfulness, and love in return. I don't treat her like a slave and I don't make silly ass demands of her to have my dinner at a certain time or keep the house spotless or get the dishes done before bedtime. I'm an adult, she's an adult and we treat each other like adults.

 

What is perfection in a person? You won't find it. You will live a miserable existence pursuing your perfect woman like Don Quixote chasing windmills. If you treat women like the enemy, because you want that perfect angelic virginal bride who only knows the length of YOUR penis, no other woman will ever reach your standards of perfection, you really will be the most miserable son of a bitch on the planet. You won't find a wife, you won't find happiness in any relationship, and you will never recognize a woman who truly and completely loves you just because you are you! That's if you are an atheist, that's if you are a Buddhist, that's if you are a Christian, that's if you hang out in bars. A preconceived notion of what you believe to be perfection will destroy any reality and any hope of happiness in your life.

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I understand all of the above questions and comments, but have no good answers. I do realize that I need to 'get real'. I guess this whole deconversion thing is a very big mental shift, which will take alot of time. I understand your points of view with my mind, but my emotions do not function in the same way.

 

What I do hope for, at the end of this process, is to be able to be with a woman because I love her, and to be able to accept all of her and her story. From what I can see now, I am naturally attracted to those women who have had fewer relationships. Hopefully I will be able to manage with that alone. Please remember that this was my very first relationship ever. I did not intend for things to happen as they did. Don't think that I am a bad person because of this...

 

Tim

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