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Depressed And Angry


viridia
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Hi everyone,

 

Lately I've been hugely depressed and unmotivated and getting very angry over every little thing. The biggest thing coming up in my life atm is college, and classes start next week and I have yet to sign up for classes. I'm supposed to go up there today to do it with my sister when she gets home, but my boyfriend told me it's already packed and waiting times are well over two hours and when he explained the process to actually sign up for classes, I started crying. I don't understand why everything has to be so difficult and implied and why nothing is laid out in plain for you. I'm going with my sister because she did this all a few years ago and has a much better idea of it than my parents do. But apparently when you sign up for classes you have to make a payment right then, which my sister really can't do, and both of my parents work during the week so it's impossible to get up there at a reasonable time and they can't be spending huge amounts of money anyway...

 

The whole reason I've waited so long to sign up for classes is because I just really don't want to go. My boyfriend is tired of hearing me bitch about it but I just have so many apprehensions about it, and being a nervous person and having OCD don't help either. Everyone says "Go! You'll meet new people and have fun! It's two years before you have to go into the working world!" I don't care for meeting new people, I can have fun doing other things, and I would much rather have a job than go to college. I honestly don't see a problem with taking a year off to work, but my boyfriend and countless other people told me that since I'm going to community college there's no reason to take that year off. I feel like I would be letting a lot of people down, including making my boyfriend, sisters, and Dad really upset with me. Every time someone gives me a point as to why I SHOULD go to college I just get so fucking irritated with them.

 

I don't know guys I'm just so unmotivated. I don't even have my license...that's another really big problem. I have to rely on my dad and friends to take me to school and I really don't want to do that. And my permit expired and new laws in MD make it so that you have to present a certain birth certificate, one that we don't fucking have, to get another permit, and my parents don't have time to go to the one place where we can do that and it's all just...ugh.

 

I guess I just really feel like a failure and a disappointment. I'm going to be 18 next month and I've never had a job, I can't drive legally, I don't want to go to college but I'm afraid that's the only way I won't end up homeless...I graduated in the top 5% of my class but was too unmotivated to apply to any universities, and even if I did I can't pay for that and refuse to have my parents pay the ridiculous amounts of money for it.

 

My sisters have a friend who is, with lack of a better word, a freeloader. She is so lazy that a three-hour job makes her complain and she sits around all day playing video games, or travels places with her saved up salary, and when she and her friends go out she always manages to get them to pay for her. And I really, really, REALLY don't want to turn into that. I want to be independent and rely on no one but myself, I mean at least to an extent. I just don't want to become a moocher.

 

Really, a lot of the time I wish I didn't exist. I'm nowhere near suicidal, but the thought of ceasing to exist and not dealing with these problems that I'm creating for myself just looks too damn good sometimes. And I know it's my fault for waiting so long to sign up for classes and shit...and I guess it's also my fault for not being motivated, I just feel like I can't help it. I try so hard to care and to want to go to college but it's not there. And I just start to hate myself you know? Like why am I so nervous about going up there, why do I have such extreme anxiety when I think about signing up for classes, and dread making my family pay for it and take me to class each day? :/

 

This was just a rant...I guess advice or comments would be nice but I was just getting this out to people with different opinions and experiences than the ones I encounter every day.

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I'm really sorry to hear that you're having a rough time =/

 

I'm a student at a community college, and my best advice is that you need to go to admissions, and be the biggest pain in the ass possible. Do it often. Eventually they'll get the message, and you'll get the classes you need. If you're not the confrontational type, I'd recommend being as vigilant as possible about the registration dates. I'm up until midnight on my registration date registering for classes, and I haven't had too many issues getting my classes. I go to a large community college in southern California, so if I can do it so can you! :)

 

You're not wrong in considering joining the workforce though. In fact, if you're having doubts about whether or not college is for you, I'd recommend doing what I'm doing now and going part time. I work close to 30ish hours a week, and I take three classes. So far it's worked out great for me, just make sure your employer knows you're a student. And if you'd rather not go to college at all for a while, why not just work for a bit until you catch your bearings? You won't be in debt like a lot of your peers, and you'll have some valuable life experience.

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I remember that feeling. I was pretty sheltered growing up and when I finished high school, I just wanted a job and an apartment so I could figure out was this "adult life" thing is all about. But I'm smart, so everyone told me that's not what I wanted. They were all so excited and proud of me for being smart enough to do well. I did get into a university with scholarships (the one in town) which helped a lot, but since I was depressed I really wasn't in any state to do well at it.

 

It took a few years and developing a sense of self that I'd never had before I could do well at school. I got horrid grades for a few years, lost most of my scholarships, etc. Eventually the personal stuff started to get straightened out, I changed majors, and I started to enjoy my classes and get better grades.

 

I ran into the same problem at the end of undergrad. Everyone else wanted me to get a PhD because that's what smart people do. I tried, sorta, but ended up a wreck ever time I tried. So I got a job. Luckily, it's a job at the university I graduated from, so I'm learning a lot and it's fun, and I do like the atmosphere in academia. I'm even considering going back for a masters, now that it's been a while since undergrad. I have even taken a few classes for fun because I get them cheap/free while I work here.

 

So here's the difference between the classes that went poorly and the ones that went well: one I slogged through for the sake of other people, and the others I enjoyed for my own sake. Even the ones I did for myself and enjoyed I had some issues with (mostly spending too much time and energy on them, to the point of getting physically sick and having panic attacks around finals), but I got a lot more out of them and don't regret it.

 

You seem to have decided to take classes despite your reservations about going at all. Try to think of it as "because other people want this, I chose to make them happy" instead of feeling like you'd rather be elsewhere every time you go to class. Even if it's not the choice you'd rather have made, if you at least think of it as a choice that can help. Then try to keep that attitude of "I want... for me..." when you're in classes. Maybe set some goals for yourself about getting homework done or keeping up with readings so you have little productive things to accomplish. Not sure if this will be a problem for you or not, but it really helped me when I realized that although school takes work, I am a consumer spending money on a product. If you get a bad teacher, don't blame yourself. If a class is really bad enough and there's a way to reach your degree goal with taking it, don't feel guilty about dropping it. Take advantage of office hours; the professor/TA's job is to help you understand the material. Try to enjoy your classes and get something out of them so it's not a waste of your time. If you have any options with scheduling, be sure to choose classes that sound interesting to you, not just the ones that will look best on paper.

 

Oh, and in case your experiences are anything like mine.... DO NOT judge yourself based on your grades. If the class is graded on a curve, don't read anything into raw percentage points until you learn the class average (one particularly nasty test I had, the class average was a 40%, so getting 50% right was a great score). I had a huge problem with that for a while, because I wasn't used to being graded on a curve and my parents expected me to get As. I almost go in trouble once when I got a 93% on a report card because that's almost a 92 and a 92 is an A-. That kind of nitpicking won't help you in college. College is (or at least should be) harder than high school. Focus on what you've learned, what you can do at the end of the class that you couldn't at the beginning, instead of just worrying about your grades. Study groups help too. Not so much for getting help with homework, but for the emotional support. You feel a lot less stupid when you realize that no one else gets it either.

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I can understand the transportation thing too....do you know if your college offers free bus passes for students? Mine does, and it's a life saver. Again, just something to consider. Cars are expensive, and a pain in the ass. I have a little scooter to get me where I need to go. Maybe look into getting a license specific to motorcycles/scooters?

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