The Pastor's Wife

[Margee]

Well, I finally did it. I finally told the pastors’ wife, a dear friend for 35 years, the truth about me. She was the most important person I felt that I really needed to tell her the truth. Anyone who has been following my ‘story’ for the past 7 months knows I have struggled with telling this dear friend about who I really am. She has been in my life for a long time (I got saved at her church 35 years ago) and is a very special and wonderful person. I posted in the last couple of months that I felt like a big ‘fraud’ in front of her, pretending to be this good christian.

 

She reacted with big tears in her eyes. She wasn’t as surprised as I thought she would be because she remembers the years that I went to her church and asked her husband (the pastor) so many questions. They nicknamed me, ‘The Pastors worst nightmare’. She knew I struggled for many years with faith. I told her gently how I envied her faith; but that I did not have any, and that I probably have been faking it for years.

 

She asked me, what exactly it was that happened to break the final thread and I told her it was probably 9/11, mixed in with my whole chaotic life. She responded by saying that wasn’t god - that was all about politics, and some of my lifes' journey was because I didn’t make some good choices. Of course, the ‘free will’ and devil subject came up.

I confessed every concern about the bible, starting with the Garden of Eden and the talking snake. There was no getting through. She had an answer for everything. We were talking very calmly back and forth. There was no sarcasm or arguing whatsoever.

 

I told her that I was a ‘non-believer’ and she said, ‘then you’re not an atheist?? I guess a ‘non believer is somehow better than an atheist?? She feels the mission of the atheist is to prove there isn’t a god. I corrected her quietly, but I knew I wasn’t getting through.

 

I asked her how she felt that I would be going to hell and she stated that it was devastating to her because she loves me so much. I asked her how she could love a god that would burn people in hell forever and she responded by telling me it was my choice to reject god and jesus. I then brought up the point of how could she be happy in eternity, while knowing that I was screeching down below and she said, 'I don’t know'. I responded and made a little joke and said, 'maybe you won’t have to think about all of us in hell because the dear lord will wipe out your memory when you enter the pearly gates'. She didn’t laugh..................

 

She just kept telling me that we are not to question gods’ ways because we won’t understand until he wants to reveal it to us. She said that no matter what happened in her life, she would continue to ‘trust the lord’. So far as I can see, she has had a fantastic life. (Church of 1,000) Been all over the world, etc......................

 

I asked her if she truly believes in prayer. She said, ‘of course I do’. Then I asked her as a dear friend – would she get down on her knees for me and pray that god would restore a miracle of faith in my heart. She said she would begin immediately. Then I asked her, if I didn’t change my mind, would that mean that god wasn’t paying attention or that I just wasn’t that important to him???? She still told me that it was up to me to make the choice about asking him into my heart again, regardless of her praying. So I asked him, right there in my shop in front of her. I told her I did this a thousand times and.................. Nothing............

I told her about the 'Please Forgive Me' letter that I wrote to god and she said if I was still writing to god - then somehow I still believe in him.

 

I told her much I loved her and that I did not want to lose her as a friend. I told her about the other Christian friends who left my life and how I felt that it would be important for a good Christian to stay around (like jesus did) and continue to pray and witness (silently) for the lost soul. She agreed that this statement would be true......

 

Although (I assumed to myself) the bible does say, wipe the dust off your feet and leave if they won’t listen. And it also says don’t be unequally yoked with a non-believer.

 

The next couple of months should be interesting. I’m not sure how I feel today– part of me feels really sad and another part feels really ‘free’ that I don’t have to lie to her anymore. When she left, she gave me a great big hug and she told me she loves me........I told her the same.

 

What do you guys think is going to happen now?

[freeasabird]

Bravo for "coming out". You have some guts and did it in what sounds like the best and most respectful way a friend could.

 

Sadly I think you're going to be her "project" for some time. The friendship will probably get more strained before it recovers (if it does). I have a lot of secular friends and I don't know your friend but I hope she can let go and just be a friend to you. If she does abandon your friendship, my money says it's at the behest of others.

 

Btw, the unequally yolked applies to marriages, not friendships; and if she pulls out the bit again about wiping the dust from your feet, you could mention the parable of the lost sheep (only if you're willing to be prostheltysed to for the rest of your life).

[Margee]

Bravo for "coming out". You have some guts and did it in what sounds like the best and most respectful way a friend could.

 

Sadly I think you're going to be her "project" for some time. The friendship will probably get more strained before it recovers (if it does). I have a lot of secular friends and I don't know your friend but I hope she can let go and just be a friend to you. If she does abandon your friendship, my money says it's at the behest of others.

 

Btw, the unequally yolked applies to marriages, not friendships; and if she pulls out the bit again about wiping the dust from your feet, you could mention the parable of the lost sheep (only if you're willing to be prostheltysed to for the rest of your life).

 

thanks free. By the way I added those scriptures -she didn't mention those at all. I was just assuming to myself.. And I think you are right - it may be a bit strained the next time she comes for a visit next month. I know she was going to tell her husband, who is my old pastor. Maybe, I'll get an invite out to supper.....................

[SillyString]

Hugs for you Margee, I know how hard it must have been for you to finally be open about this. I also know how you feel because I told someone very close to me recently (the first person in my family that I've told) that I didn't believe anymore. It really is a huge mix of emotions.

 

I guess what happens now really depends on her. I hope that she will continue to be there for you and not try to proselytize you too much. She'll be losing a great friend if she doesn't stick around.

[Overcame Faith]

Very good job of talking to your friend, Margee. And it sounds like she took it about as well as one could expect.

 

It's hard to predict what the long term repurcussions will be on your friendship. As freeasabird said, she could take it as a project to win you back. She'll have nothing new to say, though. You will have heard everything before, except she might use your friendship as a sort of emotional coercion, but I hope not. Be prepared to have books written by apologists given to you.

 

She also might come to see you as an irredeemable apostate and decide she has to "turn you over to the Lord." Who knows. But I will be interested to hear what her longer term reaction is.

[Falloutdude]

Good for you Margee, i hope things go smoothly between you and your friend. I think it'll be better for you to be honest with people around you and feel like you dont' have to hide things than be around people who don't accept you, that's just my opinion though. I was in the church for 6 months after i knew i didn't believe, that was hell and so uncomfortable.

 

Who knows maybe you'll get her to start thinking? I know i've been in contact with a few people who have had family members and even their mother follow suit with unbelief.

 

Even though i'm not very good at hugs here's some *hugs*

[florduh]

You actually did it? I was just kidding!

[Deva]

Good job Margee! Best wishes that she is still around, but I wouldn't count on it.

[Margee]

You actually did it? I was just kidding!

 

I knew you'd be proud of me!!

[Phanta]

Aw, Margee... I'm proud of you.

 

I wonder what would happen if you refused to make her your project or to defend yourself, just to affirm your love for her and set a boundary around her witnessing to you. No drama. Maybe it would be ok. I know Christians who are fine with this.

 

Phanta

[AlphaToOmega]

I read the title of this thread and the little description under it and thought something completely different...

 

Congrats though

[mwc]

I told her that I was a ‘non-believer’ and she said, ‘then you’re not an atheist?? I guess a ‘non believer is somehow better than an atheist?? She feels the mission of the atheist is to prove there isn’t a god. I corrected her quietly, but I knew I wasn’t getting through.

If you're an unbeliever then you do believe in some sort of a god which translates into believing in their god but just under a different name. You are probably salvageable. If you're an atheist you don't believe in any gods, especially their imaginary pal, and you're pretty much a lost cause.

 

mwc

[RunawayBride]

Difficult, I'm sure, but you must feel so much freer!! I'm dreading having this conversation with MANY close friends and I think I'm going to steal your approach. It sounds perfect. You were genuine with her, honest with her, and spoke your truth. I hope the friendship can survive a religious difference and still thrive on all the other things you love about each other. **hugs** G'luck!!

[buffettphan]

Way to go Margee!

 

I guess time will tell how true a friend she really is.....

[chosendarkness]

I'm happy for you Margee. That's really great that you spoke up for yourself and were honest. Don't feel bad because you did the right thing for yourself. You're not responsible for how your friend feels. I would try to be realistic and prepare yourself that she might treat you different now. Which is a product of the brainwashing. People in recovery really should stay away from those still active in their sickness. Maybe she's not sick, but if you're treated any differently just because of your religious view, then you know that's a result of the sickness.

[Margee]

I'm happy for you Margee. That's really great that you spoke up for yourself and were honest. Don't feel bad because you did the right thing for yourself. You're not responsible for how your friend feels. I would try to be realistic and prepare yourself that she might treat you different now. Which is a product of the brainwashing. People in recovery really should stay away from those still active in their sickness. Maybe she's not sick, but if you're treated any differently just because of your religious view, then you know that's a result of the sickness.

 

Thank you so much to all who read my post and commented. Help me through this please? Today and tonight I am feeling tremendous sadness and guilt.

To be 'free' - you have to let others down and I do not like doing that. I know I have let someone down and yet I need to be free. Has anyone else gone through these terrible emotions when you need to tell your friends that you just aren't where they are anymore.

 

Now, she might not even be thinking about this tonight....... but I am.....................

[chosendarkness]

I'm happy for you Margee. That's really great that you spoke up for yourself and were honest. Don't feel bad because you did the right thing for yourself. You're not responsible for how your friend feels. I would try to be realistic and prepare yourself that she might treat you different now. Which is a product of the brainwashing. People in recovery really should stay away from those still active in their sickness. Maybe she's not sick, but if you're treated any differently just because of your religious view, then you know that's a result of the sickness.

 

Thank you so much to all who read my post and commented. Help me through this please? Today and tonight I am feeling tremendous sadness and guilt.

To be 'free' - you have to let others down and I do not like doing that. I know I have let someone down and yet I need to be free. Has anyone else gone through these terrible emotions when you need to tell your friends that you just aren't where they are anymore.

 

Now, she might not even be thinking about this tonight....... but I am.....................

 

It was a bad time when I started realizing I wasn't where my friends are anymore. Sometimes people change and then it causes a rift in friendships with people who don't change. I'm sorry you have to go through that. But really your friend just doesn't understand that you are getting better. She really should be proud of you, but unfortunately she's not able to see it that way. You did the right thing because you had enough respect for your friend to tell her the truth. You took a big step in your recovery, and maybe you feel some remorse which is normal, but just keep doing positive things for yourself, you're worthy to be happy in life.

[florduh]

To be 'free' - you have to let others down and I do not like doing that.

Don't forget about not letting yourself down.

 

You "let down" others every time you don't support their political party or share their love of pet alligators. To have different opinions, beliefs or interests doesn't "let down" anyone unless they themselves are unstable. Vive la différence.

[ShackledNoMore]

Wow. I don't know what will unfold, but it actually did go well for today. Just reading the thread I feel your mix of emotions. Florduh is right: you were true to yourself. Whether or not your friend is let down is a function of her. No matter who you are, or what you do, you will not find universal approval, and yes, that even extends to dear friends of 35 years. I firmly believe that a person's reaction, whether it is sudden and bad, or long term (either bad or good) is something that reveals the measure of their friendship. It's not much of a friendship if it is conditional on your drinking the kool-aid with them.

[buffettphan]

Margee, you have to be true to yourself! I went through something similar with a friend of 20-some years. It wasn't over christianity -- in fact, we were good support for one another in our heathenism.

 

But she went all new-agey (A Course In Miracles, psychics, astrologists, past lives, etc.). I read all the same books, attended the seminars, studied the teachings of her gurus, etc., but I just couldn't get into it. Two words kept coming into my mind -- Scam and Sham. But just like you, I don't like to let anyone down, so I was very nice and diplomatic when I finally told her I just couldn't believe that stuff. Ouch! I was shocked at her reaction. I still expected to be friends, but she dropped me like a hot potato. She wouldn't return my phone calls, no xmas or birthday cards -- nothing. I never saw or talked to her again. It was like I never existed to her. That's been about 10 years ago. I missed her for a while. But once it sunk in that she wouldn't accept me as I am, I finally was able to convince myself it's HER LOSS!

 

I know the next few weeks/months will be difficult for you since you were so close to her. But just like everything else in life, remember, this too shall pass. It will get better. Hang in there girl! Big Hugs!!!!

 

 

 

 

 

 

[noob]

Bravo, Margee! I know that was extremely difficult but you did it! I'm very proud of you. I lost one good friend when I told her that I didn't believe and I still wonder how that difference of opinion could erase years of fun and friendship. I hope your friendship survives the disclosure.

[chosendarkness]

Margee, you have to be true to yourself! I went through something similar with a friend of 20-some years. It wasn't over christianity -- in fact, we were good support for one another in our heathenism.

 

But she went all new-agey (A Course In Miracles, psychics, astrologists, past lives, etc.). I read all the same books, attended the seminars, studied the teachings of her gurus, etc., but I just couldn't get into it. Two words kept coming into my mind -- Scam and Sham. But just like you, I don't like to let anyone down, so I was very nice and diplomatic when I finally told her I just couldn't believe that stuff. Ouch! I was shocked at her reaction. I still expected to be friends, but she dropped me like a hot potato. She wouldn't return my phone calls, no xmas or birthday cards -- nothing. I never saw or talked to her again. It was like I never existed to her. That's been about 10 years ago. I missed her for a while. But once it sunk in that she wouldn't accept me as I am, I finally was able to convince myself it's HER LOSS!

It's really upsetting how people discriminate so much based on religious/spiritual beliefs. When I was young I didn't know anything about religion and wouldn't have cared less what religion you were, then as an adult there's this constant theme of judging based on beliefs. When people get older they think they know so much but they don't know shit. Fucking Christians, atheists, new-agers, everyone.. they're all full of shit. Margee, you're a sweet lady and got caught up in all, and it makes me feel sad for you. Hang in there! Be good to yourself.

[paul34]

That's great, Margee. I know, based on reading your past posts, that this has been a heavy burden on you. Now you can "move on" in that one extra way.

 

I hope you don't lose a friend, but if that is how it works out, then so be it. A friendship based on lies isn't really a friendship (IMHO).

[centauri]

I think you did fine.

The feeling of relief will probably outweigh feelings of guilt as time goes on.

This is a bit simplistic but I think it has merit:

 

If you were told to walk around balancing a watermelon on your head because it was a popular thing to do, you would probably feel no guilt at all about discarding the melon once you realized it was of no benefit to try and walk in that manner.

By the same token, you wouldn't wear a coat that no longer fits.

 

Rigid belief systems are like baggage and they're often loaded onto you by others.

There's no guilt in deciding for yourself what bags you want to carry.

[Margee]

Margee, you have to be true to yourself! I went through something similar with a friend of 20-some years. It wasn't over christianity -- in fact, we were good support for one another in our heathenism.

 

But she went all new-agey (A Course In Miracles, psychics, astrologists, past lives, etc.). I read all the same books, attended the seminars, studied the teachings of her gurus, etc., but I just couldn't get into it. Two words kept coming into my mind -- Scam and Sham. But just like you, I don't like to let anyone down, so I was very nice and diplomatic when I finally told her I just couldn't believe that stuff. Ouch! I was shocked at her reaction. I still expected to be friends, but she dropped me like a hot potato. She wouldn't return my phone calls, no xmas or birthday cards -- nothing. I never saw or talked to her again. It was like I never existed to her. That's been about 10 years ago. I missed her for a while. But once it sunk in that she wouldn't accept me as I am, I finally was able to convince myself it's HER LOSS!

It's really upsetting how people discriminate so much based on religious/spiritual beliefs. When I was young I didn't know anything about religion and wouldn't have cared less what religion you were, then as an adult there's this constant theme of judging based on beliefs. When people get older they think they know so much but they don't know shit. Fucking Christians, atheists, new-agers, everyone.. they're all full of shit. Margee, you're a sweet lady and got caught up in all, and it makes me feel sad for you. Hang in there! Be good to yourself.

 

Buffet, I tried to get into 'a Course in miracles'??? From what I understand - she put you out of her dream!! I'm so sorry, you were on the other end of that. It's hard to find friends who accept you as you really are. Most of the time, we have to put on a fake face of some kind to stay in people's lives.!

 

Chosen, I think you're right. We have to walk around this earth with our fake faces in order to be fully accepted by the world.The rule has always been to 'fit in'. It's one of the reasons I tend to be a loner right now. I am so tired of being what everyone wants me to be. I've seen me being abused and smiling within the hour. What fucking bullshit is that?? I'd rather be alone now.

 

But somehow, even in this 'self-centeredness' that I find myself, I still don't like letting others down.

 

I also feel this morning that my confession to her was also a final confession to the bible god and that's got me all bummed out. My emotions are all over the place this morn.....It's like I don't know who I really am anymore........... I know it takes time. To me, my deconversion is like being married to 'god the father' for 35 years and now he's gone and I don't quite know what to do with myself or how I should choose to be with this new freedom........It's a lonely feeling.....