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Hi. I am new here. So here is my story . . . .

 

I started going to church at the age of 5. A bus would pick us up and give my mom a few hours of relief from being a parent. The church I attended was Pentecostal. I grew up believe God was standing by, waiting to punish me for my many sins. So many memories stand out that I look back on now and wonder "What the hell?"

 

Five years old: the church brought in a "demon possessed" man to scare us into becoming Christians. I ran forward to ask God to forgive me and save me from the horrors of hell. I remember not feeling joy, but fear. That stayed with me until adulthood.

 

Childhood: We weren't allowed to watch most television shows because my Mom and the church strongly believed that they were satanic and by watching those shows (Smurfs were a HUGE no-no), we allowed the influence of evil into our homes. My Mom also believed that these shows also were a doorway to evil spirits.

 

As a child, I was abused and acted out a lot. My mom sent me to the pastor twice for exorcisms. They never found anything to remove because the problem wasn't demons, it was the abuse. I was then molested by the pastor that did the earlier exorcisms. Nothing was done to him and I was laughed at. My disillusionment started there because he molested me in the same swimming pool he baptised me in minutes earlier.

 

As a teen, I attended youth group and was told that God was a vengeful God. Even if we lived a good, Christian life but cussed even once as we were dying, we would immediately cause us to forgo God and be sent to hell.

 

I slowly stopped going to church, but felt so much guilt, I'd end up back there; but it never answered my questions or provided fulfillment. My mom viewed this as rebellion.

 

As I grew older, I would sit back and watch other church members. It bothered me how everyone raised their hands at the same time in the worship songs. I believed that if our Christian experience was so unique for each of us, why did everyone act the same? I then remember being in Sunday school and having my Bible out. The teacher told us to read a scripture. My bible didn't have that scripture. I started asking questions and was asked to leave for causing a disruption. I would discuss my doubts with the pastor only to be told to read the Bible more.

 

Once I decided to divorce my husband, I was basically forced out of church and the majority of church members cut all ties with me. I spent a few years very angry, but then started reading. I found peace in the words of the Dhali Lama. I found peace in the books by women with a strong spiritual core. The more I read about other beliefs, other viewpoints, the less I could tolerate the ones that I grew up with.

 

I'm at a point now where I do not know who to describe myself. My beliefs are so personal and I cannot bring myself to label them. I only know I believe in ME now. I still believe in God, I just haven't figured out exactly which one.

 

My family is very strongly Christian and worry about me. This no longer bothers me as I finally feel a peace I have never had before. But, honestly, I still have moments of struggle as my mind and heart fight against each other to figure out what to believe.

 

I only know this one thing: We are amazingly human with extraordinary gifts and talents and we lose so much of that when we choose to blame everything on God or Satan. We take away any personal responsibility for anything that happens in our lives. And I know now, after walking away from Christianity, I finally feel as if I am the one in control of my life. And it feels amazing.

 

I apologize if I have rambled; this is all a new journey for me.

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Hi. I am new here. So here is my story . . . .

 

I apologize if I have rambled; this is all a new journey for me.

 

Welcome to EX-c Msshelle! So good to have you with us. I really enjoyed reading your story. So sad for us to have so much fear in our lives.

Take your time - this is what they all told me when I first came here. You are now free to decide how to think for yourself. What a wonderful thing. Everything makes more sense to me now that I don't have to ask god, why, why, why??

 

I lost a lot of so-called friends too. Once you leave the 'fold' - you are an outcast!! I have learned that. Keep reading all the other testimonies on the site. You will relate a little to everyone.

 

Thank you for sharing your story - These stories continue to help me so much in my own 'deconversion'. Looking forward to hearing more from you!

Sincerely....... Margee :grin:

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hey welcome to EX-C i enjoyed your story. the whole fear thing really got me too as i look back now and look around i am appaled at how much these people fear. i was really scared of their hell as a kid and it made me really parinoid, i was in a babtist church so it just goes to show how they all use hell to "scare to jebus".

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Welcome Msshelle 76! Its really remarkable that you have overcome so much adversity in life and have come to this point! I used to work with an ex-christian who said she was raped by her pastor when she was young.She told me that nobody would believe her when she tried to tell others because he was supposed to be such a pious man! Hearing accounts like this make me sick and angry, but I'm just glad you've come out of this fear and abuse to see life in a renewed light-without the intolerable, fearful god of the bible. As others have probably told you, we're very accepting of everyone here, even smurfs!

smurfette.jpg

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  • 2 weeks later...
We are amazingly human with extraordinary gifts and talents and we lose so much of that when we choose to blame everything on God or Satan. We take away any personal responsibility for anything that happens in our lives. And I know now, after walking away from Christianity, I finally feel as if I am the one in control of my life. And it feels amazing.

I couldn't have said it better.

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Thanks for your story. It took courage to present it.

 

I might be jumping ahead a bit, and may be a bit presumptuous, but here it goes. You were seriously abused as a child, in horrible ways. In addition to the sexual abuse, there is the emotional and psychological abuse of the many adults around you. The vehicle of abuse was a perverted form of religion.

 

You should consider running away from it, and fast.

 

There is a beautiful and complete world out there, free from the primitive, controlling and harmful dogma you were exposed to.

 

You will find much support here.

 

Good luck.

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