A Story Of Being "trapped"

[Akheia]

Wow, what a MESS. No fool like an old fool, for sure, but the guy's 80+ years old and might not have a lot of flings left in the ol' plumbing. I agree that it sounds like people are treating him like an errant schoolboy. It's hard to imagine the level of familial or churchly concern that justifies that level of snooping and that kind of controlling behavior, even if the impending scandal involves the pastor. She's not taking his money, right? Speaking of which, are there going to be financial repercussions to your FIL if he loses this gig? I wonder if you're the one non-nutjob who might be able to sit down and talk to the old goat rationally about what his fling might cost him. And the one person who might hear everything's fine, he's just infatuated and she's amenable, and support him in his potentially last hurrah.

 

Just FYI... if you do get the idea that maybe he's losing his grip or in a really unsafe situation, check with your county's health department; sometimes there are resources to advise and help if you feel this crazy lady's taking financial advantage of him or endangering him in some way, or if you get the impression he's moving toward having trouble caring for himself. Not saying he is, just saying if you get that idea there it is.

[Thought2Much]

Wow, what a MESS. No fool like an old fool, for sure, but the guy's 80+ years old and might not have a lot of flings left in the ol' plumbing. I agree that it sounds like people are treating him like an errant schoolboy. It's hard to imagine the level of familial or churchly concern that justifies that level of snooping and that kind of controlling behavior, even if the impending scandal involves the pastor. She's not taking his money, right? Speaking of which, are there going to be financial repercussions to your FIL if he loses this gig? I wonder if you're the one non-nutjob who might be able to sit down and talk to the old goat rationally about what his fling might cost him. And the one person who might hear everything's fine, he's just infatuated and she's amenable, and support him in his potentially last hurrah.

 

Just FYI... if you do get the idea that maybe he's losing his grip or in a really unsafe situation, check with your county's health department; sometimes there are resources to advise and help if you feel this crazy lady's taking financial advantage of him or endangering him in some way, or if you get the impression he's moving toward having trouble caring for himself. Not saying he is, just saying if you get that idea there it is.

 

My father in-law doesn't really have any money to speak of. He hasn't taken advantage of his positions as pastor for financial gain (I think I mentioned elsewhere that he only started getting paid as a pastor for the first time less than ten years ago; before then, he never even got so much as a housing allowance from any of his churches), and he's always spent so much money on others over the years that he never has much left for himself.

 

I don't know if he's losing his grip, or if he's just naturally naive. I know that he has had other lapses in judgment lately, and not just about this situation, which is why the whole family (including me) is concerned about him. I think this situation has just brought everything to a head.

[Akheia]

Definitely sounds like it's coming to a head, and you have your exit strategy planned. I'm actually glad you're clear-headed and thinking of your FIL in a time when everybody else sounds like they're just knee-jerking their responses, though I confess I'm also glad you're thinking in terms of breaking free while you can.

 

I like the new profile pic!

[Thought2Much]

I like the new profile pic!

 

Thanks! It's a picture of where all my stuff is.

[Akheia]

I'm not sure it's a good idea to tell everybody that on a public forum.

 

 

[Denyoz]

I like the new profile pic!

 

Thanks! It's a picture of where all my stuff is.

 

So... you must be God then! GOD! I found you finally! Oh God... *kissing feet*

[Thought2Much]

I like the new profile pic!

 

Thanks! It's a picture of where all my stuff is.

 

So... you must be God then! GOD! I found you finally! Oh God... *kissing feet*

 

Hey, stop that! I said STOP IT!

[Thought2Much]

The news from today is that my nephew will probably continue as worship leader (for now). This doesn't surprise me, hence the "if he follows through" clause that I typed in the story earlier. However, my father in-law is now talking about resigning. My wife had a conversation with him today, and he had a total breakdown about everything. However however, my wife is talking about how he might stay on in some sort of part time pastoral role after his full resignation, at least until a replacement pastor is found. Crap.

 

I think I'll just say I don't want to go to church anymore because I feel like I'm visiting a mental institution every week, and that I hate all of the family drama. I almost think I may be able to get away with that for the short term.

[Akheia]

I think it sounds like a good escape route too. I sure as heck wouldn't feel comfortable around all that train-wreck drama. There's a small risk they'll blame your FIL for your fall from grace, but all things considered it could be worse.

[NeverAgainV]

That's why I'm silent about it, at least for now. I simply don't feel like tossing a stick of dynamite into the relationship at the moment, at least not until I can figure out a way to do a controlled demolition instead.

Hey Trapped. You are a wise and patient man, I think. It sucks to be in your situation, for sure. I really feel for you. I think you have wisely taken stock and decided to try to preserve that which is so important to you and your family.

 

Please keep writing. I love your "Sunday" stories!

Thanks, Positivist!

 

I actually haven't had too many "Sunday" stories lately because I've barely been at church for weeks. The kids both got colds, got better, got new colds, and today I have a cold, so I didn't go. We don't take the kids to church when they're sick, which makes us bad Christians but good parents. I'm sure the other parents are thankful, though.

 

In a sick, twisted way it's almost been a relief that the kids and I have been sick (apart from the crankiness that accompanies it; oh, and the kids get cranky, too). It's actually less stressful being sick than being at church.

 

EDIT: I hope that I am being wise and patient. Sometimes I just feel like I'm cowardly and not assertive enough instead.

Hi Trapped, I've read your story & just wanted you to know that I hope things work out. You made some absolutely true observations about the wall & bunker mentality of religion. Also, as another has mentioned, there is no compromising with fundamentalist xinanity. Zip, zero, nada. Which is obvious by your wife's refusal to ...discuss...because in her mind there is nothing to discuss because she has the truth & you can't tell her differently. This is so scary...but I understand it because I too was completely sold out to jeezus. All of that brainwashing & toxic beliefs & especially the FEAR that is instilled is really hard to let go of.

Thank you for sharing & I hope things will work out for you, it can't be an easy road.

 

Also, I wanted to finish reading all of these comments before I commented...but what you said about being sick...holy schnikey, I remember the same thing. I used to actually be relieved if I was sick or the kids...because it was an excuse for us to miss church! Oh I get that. When I reached the point that I didn't want my kids to get baptised by my xpastor, (I actually dissuaded my daughter when she asked about baptism....)deep down I did NOT want my kids to join that church, then I had to ask myself, why was I still in that church..which led to the walls of my faith tumbling down.

 

All of the best to you. & I don't want to give you false hope, but I was on fire, sold out believer & I never thought I'd ever be here on EX Christian of all places!

It can happen....but how likely remains to be seen.

[Positivist]

The news from today is that my nephew will probably continue as worship leader (for now).

~~~~~~~~~

owever however, my wife is talking about how he might stay on in some sort of part time pastoral role after his full resignation, at least until a replacement pastor is found. Crap.

 

I think I'll just say I don't want to go to church anymore because I feel like I'm visiting a mental institution every week......

 

Oh Trapped. I had such high hopes that this was your big break! Well, maybe it's still a way out, just a little more curcuitous.

 

If you stop going to church, I am really going to miss your church stories. But I'm sure you won't miss the insanity!

[Denyoz]

If you stop going to church, I am really going to miss your church stories. But I'm sure you won't miss the insanity!

 

ditto

[lyall]

double ditto

[Thought2Much]

Aw, shucks. Thanks, guys. Hopefully I'll find other things to gripe... er, write about after I leave church.

[roadrunner]

Trapped you made the big time!!!! Congrats. I listened to the whole show. I know it was therapeutic to hear your show on the air almost as if you're yelling it out to world...... but anonymously.

 

It nagged me how rigid people are to call "us" spineless. (i say us because at this point my wife thinks i am in a spiritual slump and need encouragement i think she is partially in denial). The people that are being insensitive were "fence-riders" dating fence-riders with nothing to lose. I call them fence rider because its an easy transition for them. I remember the first time i prayed and knew that no one was listening. I was almost in tears.

 

Also, its completely different when your life is BASED on christianity. I bought my house beucase it was close to church.

[Denyoz]

Hey, nice profile photo, you don't look so trapped anymore, you're actually smiling. Any new developments?

[Thought2Much]

Hey, nice profile photo, you don't look so trapped anymore, you're actually smiling. Any new developments?

 

No, nothing new. My other picture just looked too serious.

[Thought2Much]

I'm updating here just to say that I can't live like this anymore. Something is going to have to give. I'm going to have to force my way out of the box I've put myself in for several years now, consequences be damned.

 

I'm not Batman. I can't lead a double life. I just don't have the energy for it. I've been gearing up to break the news. I've armed the nuke. Now it's a matter of starting the detonation sequence.

 

I'm giving my wife the Easter holiday to enjoy with her family without telling her what my true thoughts are, but then I'm going to have to get everything out in the open sooner rather than later.

 

If she tries to divorce me, or if she treats me like some kind of leper, then so be it. That will be on her, and not on me. It's not my damn fault I can't make myself believe this shit anymore. As others here have said, it's not like any of us could go back to believing in Santa Claus, even if we wanted to.

 

And I don't want to.

 

So, my whole life may become a living hell in the next few weeks, and may remain that way for some time. Get ready.

[Positivist]

I can't lead a double life.

~~~

So, my whole life may become a living hell in the next few weeks, and may remain that way for some time. Get ready.

Eek! Oh Trapped. I wish there was something I could do. Do keep us posted. I too am struggling with my double life. My husband is fine with my atheism but I'm not out with many of my friends and definitely not my fundagelical family! I value authenticity and I'm really holding back for fear of reactions. I can't imagine being in your situation.

 

We stand with you, friend!

[marmot]

I'm updating here just to say that I can't live like this anymore. Something is going to have to give. I'm going to have to force my way out of the box I've put myself in for several years now, consequences be damned.

 

I'm not Batman. I can't lead a double life. I just don't have the energy for it. I've been gearing up to break the news. I've armed the nuke. Now it's a matter of starting the detonation sequence.

 

I'm giving my wife the Easter holiday to enjoy with her family without telling her what my true thoughts are, but then I'm going to have to get everything out in the open sooner rather than later.

 

If she tries to divorce me, or if she treats me like some kind of leper, then so be it. That will be on her, and not on me. It's not my damn fault I can't make myself believe this shit anymore. As others here have said, it's not like any of us could go back to believing in Santa Claus, even if we wanted to.

 

And I don't want to.

 

So, my whole life may become a living hell in the next few weeks, and may remain that way for some time. Get ready.

 

I hope all goes well for you. I've always enjoyed reading your posts -- you are measured, reasonable, respectful and honest with yourself. Those qualities will continue to treat you well.

 

I know what you mean about not being able to go back. It's the whole "allegory of the cave" thing, I think. We have been freed from the cave and we can see the reality of the world, but we can't convey it to the trapped prisoners. It doesn't matter what you say -- their entire existence is built off an understanding of the world that can't accommodate freethought. Only theism. It makes me sad, and also a little ashamed of my arrogance.

[electech98]

Trapped, I could have written your most recent post exactly for myself. Either tomorrow night or Monday evening, after the kids are in bed, I am coming out to her with my atheism. Be strong, you have a fellow member here going through exactly what you are facing...and we may both finally be able to start untangling ourselves from the mess this week. Good on you.

[Thought2Much]

Trapped, I could have written your most recent post exactly for myself. Either tomorrow night or Monday evening, after the kids are in bed, I am coming out to her with my atheism. Be strong, you have a fellow member here going through exactly what you are facing...and we may both finally be able to start untangling ourselves from the mess this week. Good on you.

 

I wish you all the best, electech. I don't think it will be easy for either of us.

 

And thanks for the kind words, everyone.

[Margee]

Just wanted you to know Trapped, that I have been following this post all along and I wish you the best of everything. I want your name to change from 'Trapped' to 'Untrapped'. I can't wait for that day for you. We will be here for you no matter what you have to face. You are such a wonderful person on this board!!

 

Sincerely, Margee

[agnosticator]

Trapped,

 

I hope your family can try to understand what you are going through, instead of responding as the church expects them to. Hopefully, your wife's love for you is stronger than her feelings for that organization of deceit and wishful thinking! My thoughts are with you, man.

[Thought2Much]

Okay, so here's a rough draft of The Speech. It contains a number of thoughts I've mulled over for a long, long time now. I'll continue mulling it over and making changes until I say everything to my wife. I think it hits most of the important points.

 

I have something very important that I need to tell you about. I need you to listen to everything I’m about to say right now without asking me any questions or interrupting me until I have finished.

 

Some of this will be very difficult for you to listen to, and you may not understand it all at this moment. Regardless of what I say, I need you to remember that I love you and the kids more than anything, and I need you to try to love me no matter what I say right now.

 

I have tried very hard to not say anything about what I’m going to tell you for a long, long time, but I have come to a point where I can’t just keep it all inside me anymore. I feel like I’ve been pretending to be something I’m not for years now, and here’s why.

 

I’m pretty sure you know that I’m still unhappy at our church. What you may not know is that I wouldn’t be happy at any other church, either. What I am saying is that I no longer believe in Christianity, or in God, or in the Bible as the word of God.

 

I know this will be a shock, and that it is very hard for you to hear. It’s very hard for me to say because I know how much it must hurt you to hear this coming from me. I know that you will feel completely betrayed by me right now.

 

I want you to know that I’m not telling you this because I want to hurt you. I have kept this a secret for so long because I couldn’t figure out how to say any of this without hurting you or hurting our marriage. I am telling you this because I feel that a marriage has to be built on honesty, and not telling you what I really think has made me feel like a horrible liar and a terrible husband.

 

I need you to know that I didn’t choose this. I didn’t choose to stop believing. I tried very, very hard to hold on to my faith.

 

I’m not sure when I finally lost my faith. It wasn’t a single event or something that happened in a moment. It was something that happened over several years.

 

You need to know that I don’t feel this way because of anything you did or didn’t do. It also isn’t because of anything that anyone in your family did or didn’t do. None of this is your fault, and none of this is your family’s fault.

 

I need you to know that I still love you. That hasn’t changed. I hope that knowing what you know now, you can still love me. I know that this could change everything between us, but more than anything else I needed to be honest with you and myself, because I don’t feel like I could ever be a good person, a good father, or a good husband if I kept living a lie.