decafaholic Posted September 6, 2011 Share Posted September 6, 2011 I've been having nightmares lately about my former pastor who died about a year ago. Many of you read my posts when he died. It was a strange time. I was sad that his family lost him while he was still young (in his 50's) to such a horrible disease that killed him in a month's time. But I also felt relieved that I would never worry about running into him in town ever again. There were times he was kind to me, but there were also times that he was extremely callous, or just plain inappropriate. I remember going into his office and finally saying out loud that I had been suicidal for weeks. He was the only person I told. I was so depressed and scared. He replied that he didn't take me seriously because I didn't have a plan for exactly how I was going to kill myself. Then he told me that people don't miss you as much as you think they will when you die. lol, counselor of the year, let me tell you! (eyeroll) I also struggled with self-injury from time to time. One day in a counseling session, I told him I had relapsed a few nights before and I felt horrible about it. He told me that cutting was just another form of whining and I needed to quit whining. The list goes on, but you get why a dream about him would be a nightmare. In my dreams, my former pastor tries to hurt or embarrass people in the congregation and I stand up to him. When he was alive, I never stood up to him and sometimes I regret that. But then again, very few people ever stood up to him, and I was just a teenaged girl at the time. I think it's time to forgive myself for letting him mistreat me. I'm also trying to forgive him, although I don't know what exactly that means. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kaiser01 Posted September 6, 2011 Share Posted September 6, 2011 he sounds very disrespectful i dont even think you should trouble your self with some one so hatefull especialy if he is gone, but this is easier said than done. if it is real bad i would sugest actual counseling but it dosnt apear that major. but seriously they let that guy in their church?..o yea Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
oddbird1963 Posted September 6, 2011 Share Posted September 6, 2011 Pastors should really leave the important stuff to the grown-ups! Sheesh! I am so sorry that you had to encounter such asinine, ignorant attitudes as you were struggling to grow up in a tough and confusing world!! It just makes me angry to read those words! I can only imagine how such garbage has affected you! I think in this case "forgive" = "let it go." How to do that? It's never easy. It's always two steps forward three steps back. Take it one day at a time. PLEASE! Do not be hard on yourself about any of this. It's not your fault. People take time to develop the fortitude to stand up to such idiocy in the face of a dominant culture that allows people like your former pastor to fester. You were just too young to know when to call B.S. on it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
pitchu Posted September 6, 2011 Share Posted September 6, 2011 decaf, if I were having nightmares about a deceased pastor who had treated me like this one treated you I could only conclude that I was secretly pissed at not being able to kill him myself. But that's just me... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ShackledNoMore Posted September 6, 2011 Share Posted September 6, 2011 He replied that he didn't take me seriously because I didn't have a plan for exactly how I was going to kill myself. Then he told me that people don't miss you as much as you think they will when you die. All I can say is that your former pastor was appalling. If this was representative of his approach to "counseling" the suicidal, it makes me wonder if he had any blood on his hands elsewhere in his career. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Xtech Posted September 6, 2011 Share Posted September 6, 2011 Yes it is time to forgive yourself, and to forgive him. You mention he was kind, but he was also not perfect. Most people are usually good but sometimes fall short. We only have a little piece of the story - my hunch is you are still processing feelings about his death, and those feelings come out in dreams. That's how it works for me. The deaths that hit me the hardest are the ones of people about whom I had some definite negative, conflicted feelings. I really like being able to speak to a neutral, trained person about things like this - otherwise, it can become this obsessive tape loop in your head, running over and over and over .... Best of luck to you. You owe it to yourself to put this behind you. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LivingLife Posted September 6, 2011 Share Posted September 6, 2011 What everyone else said but using a xian cliche, release him and forgive him, you need not forget. It is a mental decision and maybe it will work. Hope you get to sleep better, think happy things before you go to sleep. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Foxy Methoxy Posted September 6, 2011 Share Posted September 6, 2011 Zombie pastor returns! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
decafaholic Posted September 6, 2011 Author Share Posted September 6, 2011 Reading all the supportive replies has been really therapeutic for me. I appreciate it, guys. No nightmares last night. Actually, I dreamed I was at my parents' house with a bunch of people and my friend and I were baking a cake. I'm on Zoloft, so I dream vividly every night (it's a side-effect). What would I do without this place? I love you guys. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Noggy Posted September 6, 2011 Share Posted September 6, 2011 1) Get good at lucid dreaming 2) give yourself a flamethrower 3) ?????? 4) PROFIT Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
pitchu Posted September 6, 2011 Share Posted September 6, 2011 my friend and I were baking a cake. What?! None for us?! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Super Moderator florduh Posted September 6, 2011 Super Moderator Share Posted September 6, 2011 Was it a chocolate cake by any chance? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
decafaholic Posted September 7, 2011 Author Share Posted September 7, 2011 Florduh,no it wasn't a chocolate cake. It was white. It was in the shape of some animal. Noggy- fuck yes! what a great idea! I've gotten pretty good at lucid dreaming in the past. I'll do some exercises and see if I can make a flamethrower appear. Now that's my kind of closure! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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