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Once Upon A Time, I Was A Christian


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Here is my story:

 

I was brought up Church of England. I was baptised as a baby and confirmed at age 14. I fell away from it all for a few years and then had what I can only describe as a spiritual crisis in my Twenties. This was when I became a born again Christian.

I was in a weird space in my life - I had low self-esteem, I felt my life was without purpose etc. I met some Christians and I liked them.

 

One particular night is forever etched on my memory. It was the night when Jesus entered my life and, to quote Eric, I was "regenerated, sanctified and saved." I felt all of it. Apart from regenerated perhaps - I'm not a Time Lord.

 

I started going to a Baptist Church and I thought the Pastor's sermons had real meaning. I liked the idea of ultimate justice and the warm glow of feeling saved was indescribably comforting. I read the Bible daily and got as much literature on the subject as I could. I had some questions that remained unanswered. But I was happy that God hadn't answered all my questions immediately. They would come I told myself. But they never did.

 

And I can remember reading one of the Gospels one day and I realised I just didn't believe it. It was totally unbelievable. A Christian recommended that I go to a Pentecostalist church to revive the spirit within me. But it had the opposite effect of what was desired. It was like being in an insane asylum. People talking in tongues and weeping and wailing.

 

I had long chats with one of my friends who was an ex-Christian. And I came to the conclusion that the Bible wasn't completely true. Why would God write a book that was only half correct? Surely it's easy for him to write something perfect if he can create the entire cosmos and keep that running? I prayed very hard. Again and again because I didn't want to lose that feeling I had experienced months earlier. But no-one listened because there was nobody there. I soon realised that when I was praying I was just talking to myself. It had all been for nothing. Perhaps the Buddhists were right? God was inside me not outside. I had deluded myself. The Bible was simply God in Man's image at the time. Not the other way around.

 

I then fell on top of a girl called Rachel and that was the end of Jesus and me.

 

Now many Christians dismiss my born again claim because it doesn't fit in with their narrow, distorted perception of reality. They told me I was never saved. I heard this excuse a lot when I was deconverting. "You only had a religious experience not a born again experience". It's the worst kind of lie imaginable. In addition, I know 4 people very well who were devout Baptist Christians for years and they are now atheists. Are they phoney as well? How many people does God "properly" save? I suspect not very many. It's just as well he isn't real.

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I guess this is one of the major problems with the whole 'born again' experience. How can anyone know for sure if their experience is real or a delusion? What is 'reality' anyway except something manufactured by the brain? I'd love to see some proper psychological research into this subject

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Welcome Specttox! I relate to your story.Thank you for sharing.

 

I said the sinners prayer a thousand times thinking it didn't 'take'. Several of those times, I cried out with such sincerity. I had been told by different pastors that I was 'sitting on the fence' - lukewarm - maybe didn't give my full heart to the lord - didn't want to give up my old 'nature' and on and on.

 

What a crock of shit!

 

Glad you are here with us. Looking forward to hearing more from you!:grin:

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