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Funeral At My Old Church Yesterday


ilovemybrain
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I only went to this funeral to show my love and support for this young widow who used to be one of the high schoolers I was in youth leadership over (like 20 years ago, I think). Otherwise I would have skipped this one.

 

It was awkward and painful being in church again. For a minute or two I felt like I missed being there and fitting in with this group of people and singing with them. Then I remembered how much of my life, how very many hours, I spent trapped in this building, and trapped in this cult-like mentality, enslaved to their dogma. And as I was thinking this, I knew they would ALL say that I am the one who is enslaved, and they are free. In other words, it was traumatic being in my prison again, but they all love it there. And they are comforted by their belief in heaven. I am actually quite comforted to think that when we die, that is the end. Although it still sucks when someone dies and you miss them.

 

It really creeps me out to hear them talking as though this life is worth nothing, except to bring more people into their cult. And that death is actually a wonderful thing. They did acknowledge that it's ok to grieve, but only because Jesus apparently grieved for Lazarus in the bible, so it's ok because he set the example. Or something. I didn't quite follow their reasoning. But they were all good christians pretending it was a joyful thing. So I guess I'm glad for them that they are truly comforted by their beliefs. But it's weird that they kind of use that to judge others. There is a verse in the bible about how they don't grieve like those who have no hope. They seem to think it is absolutely pathetic to see this life as being all we have. I totally disagree. I think it makes life that much more precious when we face the fact that we just don't really know what happens after we die and that this might be all that we have.

 

Also annoying was this: The pastor was reading comments from the obituary that was posted on the web, from people who didn't know the deceased. They said things like “he sounds like a wonderful person” and “what a generous, compassionate man” etc etc (because he did a lot of work toward raising money for cancer research, long before he ever had cancer, and he was a really caring, giving person). Pastor went on to say “and those things are true. But if [the deceased] were here, he would say “no it's not me, it's only God working through me.” Which pisses me off to no end, because here the christians think that those who don't believe in any gods, or more specifically, their “One True God” are incapable of charity and kindness and generosity.

 

Anyway, it was just weird being totally outnumbered in this huge crowd with a mass delusion, knowing some of them are so grieved that I have left, and wandered away. My old friends and churchmates are really weird around me now, and cry over me and say how much they are praying for me, and it's SO good to see you again, etc etc even though they hardly noticed me when I was there. I went to a wedding shower there about a year and a half ago, not long after my deconversion, and one of the ladies who was praying out loud said something like "thank you gawd that you bless us when we follow you instead of claiming the right to think our own thoughts and do what we want with our lives, blah blah blah..." That about sums up what makes me so sick to my stomach. They are conning people out of their lives, their limited, precious lives and selves. And they pretend they have this knowledge that I never really had. It's such bullshit and it frustrates the hell out of me. But I know some of them are quite happy in their delusion. I usually wasn't, so I'm glad I broke free, and now I'm sad for those who are still trapped and who aren't happy in church.

 

It made me want to run away though. But I know there is nowhere in this country I could go to get away from xianity. I hate what it does to people and I'm just feeling heavy-hearted about those who are so enslaved by it.

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In many ways, this reminds me of being at my grandpa's funeral.

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Reminds me of my brother's funeral in 2009. I was surrounded by fundys - I just tried to stay away from the preacher. Ugh - - and I remember my brother as the only one of us kids that REALLY DIDN'T WANT to go to church in the early 1970s. Yet now he's "with Jesus". Whatever... It is a preview of what I will one day have to face with my parents. Needless to say, not looking forward to it.

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It is weird the way that fundies act like this life is worth nothing. That probably feeds off the feelings that your life is actually worthless while you are there. This is one thing I noticed when I left. I started living more for today than for after death and I am starting to enjoy LIFE.

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