The Heaviest Hit?

[Guest lilbman]

I want to go back in time, I want to be happy again.

 

I guess I should introduce myself first.

 

I was raised JW, very devout. I really did believe. I may not have always been the most perfect, godly person, but I did truly believe. I don't really know the first time I had doubts, I know that for a long time if anything seemed 'off' I would push it down and ignore it. Recently I've been going through a lot of really, really bad things. I don't really want to go through the details right now. Suffice to say, it was enough to make me wonder if God really was always there for me. A bit after that, I started paying attention to exactly how brutal some of the slaughters in the OT really were. This started me looking into biblical inerrancy, and... well, here I am.

 

I guess I'm in the middle of this de-converting thing. I'm seriously having trouble keeping myself upright in my chair, I feel so broken right now.

 

My shit luck has landed me at my parents' house for a bit. I'm definitely deep 'in the closet' in regards to my doubts at the moment, I know that would stir up a metric ton of shit that I can't deal with right now. So, I've been going to services, sitting in the family study, etc. Acting the good Christian part. Not sure how long I'm going to keep this up, but for now, I'm going to.

 

I guess it never REALLY hit me before, I don't believe in Paradise anymore. And for some reason that was such a crushing blow.

 

I sat in on the family study today, gave nominal indication that I was paying attention, etc. At the end of the study my family always sings worship songs that are going to be part of the services the same week. I've been just sort of singing and not really thinking about it up till now, but not today.

 

One of the songs that came up was "Jehovah God Is My Shepard". And I just... couldn't sing. I lost my voice. Just started moving my lips, but no sound. Every word just seemed to burn into me, like it was mocking me, taunting me with the fact that there is no great Shepard up there to make everything better. And the next was about... Paradise. Half a verse in and I just started crying. I started sobbing. I know I made a scene, I rushed out of the room, I went to my room and I just fell on the bed and cried and cried into my pillow, with the music still there, just barely in my ears. My dad came in later and asked me if I wanted to come back for the prayer. I didn't. I really, really didn't, but I did. He put in the prayer for God to put his spirit on me to help me to cope with the problems I'm having. That almost set me off again. I sat through it and I mumbled 'Amen' and I came back in here. I guess they all thought I just had a surge of depression. I wish the Wellbutrin -could- take this away.

 

It was just this ultimate crushing moment. There is no grand reward for the good, everyone I know, everyone I LOVE, everyone who's died and ever will die will all just die and rot and turn to shit and be gone forever. And it hurt like hell. It was like I had been stabbed in the chest.

 

I want it back. I want my fake, happy fairytale ending back. I want my magic sky fairies who are watching out for me.

 

I guess for most people it's Heaven. What did you do when you realized you weren't going to heaven? What can I do.

Hi Rogue.

 

I'm a Believer in Jesus Christ. I probably don't know as much of the Bible as many here do but I am aware of most conversations.

 

I was never raised a JW. Part of my family was raised Pentecostal and the other part I don't really know. I don't think they were raised in church.

 

I for one never really attended church. Religiously that is.

 

My breakthrough happened when my faith was tested.

 

I have had just about every reason to throw in the towel sorta speak.

 

I knew of grace but never really "knew" what it was or thought that I may have never experienced what it means until later in my life.

 

I even tried suicide to no prevail. Going into my bathroom, drunk many a nights. Shouting at GOD. Mad and confused. Hurt and ashamed. Why? I prayed for over a year for GOD to come in and help me. Just make everything OK.

 

I was an verbally abusive alcoholic to my wife, who had left me. I blamed everybody but myself.

 

It hurt. It hurt really really bad.

 

Been so confused, literally sobbing every night. Wailing in tears.

 

I never really expected GOD jut to appear and sit down share tea and crumpets w/ me. He didn't.

 

I ran to the church alter and some of the congregation laughed at me.

 

I have been told by a radio Pastor that if I wanted to go to Heaven I needed to blow my head off.

 

My own family members said that I was no longer in GODS will. I was crushed, scared and all alone.

 

I just couldn't give up my faith in Jesus Christ.

 

I popped a bunch of pills. I didn't want to die but I was hurting so much that I didn't want to hurt anyone else and I quit caring. I was basically dead on the inside. It seemed.

 

It's hard to tell you exactly all that I had experienced but it was a pain that I had never felt before.

 

I had nothing to live for. At least at the time, I couldn't "see" it.

 

I sought therapy for myself and my family. Every single Psychiatrist told me that either GOD wasn't enough or that GOD wasn't real. I just couldn't believe that. This for alcohol, my depression, and my marriage.

 

I left all of them. No one understood. I even tried going back to church but I was mocked. This was confusing and it hurt severely.

 

I even found a pair of my underware on the floor in the church kitchen. I still don't know how they got there.

 

I tried playing my guitar only to be harrased. I was asked to come up there and play for a rehearsal and they set a tip jar in front of me. I didn't ask for any of this.

 

I was told by an Evangelistic Preacher that my name had been blotted out. I cried so much. I hurt so much. I just wanted it to finally stop.

 

I was crushed and I was humbled. I was naked and shamed.

 

Until.....

 

GOD finally stepped in.

 

The moment He stepped in and said that is enough. He is mine, leave him alone. I forgive you and I knew with every fiber of my being.

 

He healed my family, my alcohol addiction, all of my burnt bridges. Gave me a new job. Got a family into a new home.

 

And as been healing me ever since. And I still don't know everything but I am certain that faith in Jesus Christ is everything.

 

It wasn't church or religion. I was a low life sinful beggar in need of Jesus Christ.

 

If there is one thing I've noticed, is that true faith will be challenged.

 

I am only thirty 35 years old. It hasn't been all peachy but I do know with out any doubt that GOD is real and Jesus Christ was sent to proclaim the good news.

 

Put down your religion and start believing in whom GOD has sent ( Jesus Christ ) by faith and you will know the truth.

 

You will not find it any other way.

 

Yes, our faith will be tested. Even Jesus was led into the desert. Job was tested. The disciples were tested.

 

When you are weak in faith, remember that GODS grace is sufficient and that He will never leave or forsake you.

 

Watch out for the wolves in sheep clothing. They are numerous. But GOD is faithful.

 

Take heart friend,

lilbman

[Thought2Much]

Hi Rogue.

 

I'm a Believer in Jesus Christ.

That's nice.

 

I probably don't know as much of the Bible as many here do but I am aware of most conversations.

Except for the one here, apparently, which specifically says in no uncertain terms: "This Testimony forum is not the place for a Christian to post."

 

Unlike most passages in the Bible, this is very clearly stated, and is unambiguous in its meaning or interpretation.

 

Please stop acting like you're saying anything we haven't already heard in church or from other Christians. We have heard it all many, many times, and we left because we got tired of hearing it without any proof being offered.

[Deva]

Libman, this is not the place for you to present your Christian testimony. You are in violation of the forum rules.

[mymistake]

 

. . . but I do know with out any doubt that GOD is real and Jesus Christ was . . .

 

 

Please stop discouraging others with your lies and bondage.

[Yask]

"I always distrust people who know so much about what God wants them to do to their fellows." "Susan B. Anthony

 

 

 

lilbman,

 

I think you'd have a far more exciting life if you didn't think to limit your god according to the constraints man made faith declares are fit to contain him.

 

 

[Swampy]

It was just this ultimate crushing moment. There is no grand reward for the good, everyone I know, everyone I LOVE, everyone who's died and ever will die will all just die and rot and turn to shit and be gone forever. And it hurt like hell. It was like I had been stabbed in the chest.

 

 

I remember when I first looked at things from an atheist perspective, it was a feeling like I'd been kicked in the stomach. I almost preferred the idea of burning in Hell than to be annihilated.

 

For me, the worst part about deconversion had nothing whatsoever to do with life after death or the absence thereof. It was that I realized that I realized that everyone that I had ever relied on throughout my entire life to be wiser, smarter or more of an adult than me or to lead the way didn't have anything at all figured out better than me. I had grown up thinking that my pastors and church leaders had some kind of inside knowledge on God or something because they were all so much more confident in their belief in God than me. I was finally waking up to the fact that that wasn't the case at all and it was a very lonely experience. It was like being a little kid and coming to the conclusion that there were no real adults, only bigger kids.

 

As for life after death, a friend of mine recently put it better than anyone one I ever heard talk about it. He said that when he stopped believing in life after death, he also stopped believing in death. He said that death was like zero. Zero doesn't represent a quantify but the absence of a quantify. We only give it a name to identify it. Just as zero cannot actually be experienced, likewise neither can we experience death.

 

I was never that crazy about the idea of going to Christian anyway. As one person already commented on, since entry into Christian Heaven is dependent upon belief in Jesus instead of one's personal moral and ethical conduct, then Christian Heaven is not necessarily going to be filled with the greatest people in the world. Would you really want to spend eternity with people that treat each other no better than Christians?

[jblueep]

Put down your religion and start believing in whom GOD has sent ( Jesus Christ ) by faith and you will know the truth.

...

When you are weak in faith, remember that GODS grace is sufficient and that He will never leave or forsake you.

 

lilbman,

 

I also took the journey from "performance to grace" or "religion to relationship" or "old covenant to new covenant" or "the finished work of Christ"...and it did bring me great peace (not performing anymore, realizing that I was good with god no matter what)...but here's the truth I resisted but have to come to accept:

 

The joy and peace and results that come from believing in "grace" are real, but they are real without god. It works because it's based on self acceptance. It works because I stopped trying to be something else other than what I am....because I realized there is high value in that. I don't have to be something else to have something to offer to humanity.

[★ Citsonga ★]

Put down your religion and start believing in whom GOD has sent ( Jesus Christ ) by faith and you will know the truth.

...

When you are weak in faith, remember that GODS grace is sufficient and that He will never leave or forsake you.

 

lilbman,

 

I also took the journey from "performance to grace" or "religion to relationship" or "old covenant to new covenant" or "the finished work of Christ"...and it did bring me great peace (not performing anymore, realizing that I was good with god no matter what)...but here's the truth I resisted but have to come to accept:

 

The joy and peace and results that come from believing in "grace" are real, but they are real without god. It works because it's based on self acceptance. It works because I stopped trying to be something else other than what I am....because I realized there is high value in that. I don't have to be something else to have something to offer to humanity.

 

Very well put. The peace that Christians think is coming from skydaddy is actually coming from within themselves. Their perception is simply a delusion, one which many of us used to also be equally blinded with.