Jump to content

Feeling Awful


notazombie
 Share

Recommended Posts

Last knight my husband and I had another blowout over religion. After we had calmed down and gone to bed, I heard him quietly crying. He cried for a long time. I feel horrible about it.

 

I think he has finally realized that my faith is gone and it isn't ever coming back. He believes it is his job to be the spiritual leader of our family and he has failed.

 

It breaks my heart when he cries. I literally can't stand it. My family is everything to me. I don't want this to destroy it.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Last knight my husband and I had another blowout over religion. After we had calmed down and gone to bed, I heard him quietly crying. He cried for a long time. I feel horrible about it.

 

My husband had the same reaction when I first told him about my doubts. He said that I broke his heart.

 

I know how you feel. You don't want to hurt the people you love, but what they don't realize is that you're not trying to hurt them, you're just trying to be truthful and honest with yourself and others. The source of their hurt is not coming directly from you, it is coming from what their religion has taught them about what happens to those who no longer believe. To them, this is reality, so I can see how this seems like a huge loss.

 

The last big discussion I had with my husband about religion did not end well, so we have avoided the subject since then. I love my him very much, but he is not very open minded so it is hard for me to try and explain the reasons I have for leaving Christianity. Avoidance probably isn't the best thing, but I feel that right now it is best to keep my beliefs to myself because voicing my thoughts about religion to everyone in my family would cause problems that I'm just not ready to deal with right now.

 

I hope things get better for you, please feel free to message me if you need someone to talk to about this. You and I are kind of in the same boat...

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Super Moderator
My family is everything to me.

Unfortunately, the imaginary Jesus comes first for him and real family is a distant second. I don't know of an amicable solution when one party is unreasonable and unable to tolerate a differing opinion. I'm sure you are happy to let him believe what he wants, but you are not being afforded the same privilege. Don't let the emotional blackmail wear you down. I wish you well.

  • Like 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

My family is everything to me.

Unfortunately, the imaginary Jesus comes first for him and real family is a distant second. I don't know of an amicable solution when one party is unreasonable and unable to tolerate a differing opinion. I'm sure you are happy to let him believe what he wants, but you are not being afforded the same privilege. Don't let the emotional blackmail wear you down. I wish you well.

 

When a son or daughter comes out as gay, Christians parents will often be extremely hurt and devastated. It breaks the parent's heart that their family is following sin. Honestly I don't feel sorry for them at all. I'm sorry that they're brainwashed so bad.

  • Like 2
Link to comment
Share on other sites

I don't know of an amicable solution when one party is unreasonable and unable to tolerate a differing opinion. I'm sure you are happy to let him believe what he wants, but you are not being afforded the same privilege.

 

OP - if you start doubting yourself, remember florduh's words.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

He believes it is his job to be the spiritual leader of our family and he has failed.

 

You're in a difficult position to be sure.

He's equating success with conformity.

However, you might try looking at it in this way:

He didn't fail as a spiritual leader, he may have helped motivate you to seek answers that led you to your own spiritual evolution.

Answers that work for him no longer work for you.

Pretending to believe something creates inner conflict for you.

Spiritual growth can occur regardless of whether or not you believe a certain dogma.

 

There is no failure with this type of situation any more than there is failure in you not wearing the same coat and shoes that he wears.

 

As an aside, Jesus proclaimed that one of his objectives was to divide families and create disharmony (Matt 10, Luke 12).

Link to comment
Share on other sites

There've been 25 pretty terrific years between the vegetarian Sabbath-observant Jew and his pork-eating atheist wife, and there's really only one word for why my marriage works: respect.

 

Demand it.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I feel your pain. My religious wife also cries when the topic rise. You are not at fault. Now, we just don't talk about it anymore.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I have the same problem with relatives who do NOT live with me. My wife took my deconversion well, I sat down with her for several days explaining why I felt like I did and now she is of the same opinion as me. But other family members do not take it well and I still get e-mail that's a rambling string of cut and paste scriptures and their testimony of the power of Jezus in their lives.

 

It isn't easy to be in disagreement with one's spouse over religious beliefs. It's like a divorce. Sometimes it ends in divorce! Your husband is going to have to be more accepting and open-minded about your deconversion. He will probably continue to preach to you for a while. After he gets tired of hearing his own voice, he may chill out a bit. Don't argue over what he says. Just repeat what you don't believe and why you don't believe it. There is no easy way to leave a cult and Christianity is one of the worst for tearing apart families over issues of religion. Christianity has become a social club of intolerance over the last 40 years, at least, politics are preached instead of spiritual doctrine. Like the babble says when going into battle, 'gird your loins,' cuz it is going to be a rough haul.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Thank you all for your reponses. I wish I could say that this is all his fault and he is intolerant of my lack of belief...but our relationship is definitely a two-way street. I don't know how it happens but no matter how innocently the topic of religion comes up, it always ends with us in a huge argument. He has known that I no longer believe in god for over a year now and this is the first time he has ever cried. I genuinely think he has been in denial - thinking maybe it was a phase.

 

To let you know how bad it got..(and I feel like complete shit for this): My husband has muscular dystrophy and has been in a power wheelchair for the last 5 years. So, he needs a lot of help. Well, during our blowout, he said he couldn't survive his condition without god's help - that god has helped him more than we ever have or could. So, I said that since god helps him so much more than me, god can dress him, clean him, etc. It was ugly.

 

It was later that night, after we had apologized and gone to bed that he cried.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Super Moderator

I'm married to a believer too and under the same circumstances, I'm positive he would have said exactly the same thing your husband said. At one time, my first reaction would have been to feel like shit too. Now it makes me angry that these so-called partners in life have the audacity to blow off what we do -- sacrificing us and our relationships for their imaginary friend. Not to sound too harsh, but frankly, for what he said to you, I was kind of glad he did cry. Maybe something sunk in. I hope things improve for you.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Super Moderator

I doubt anything sunk in besides his illusion of persecution. He just doesn't get it.

 

Yeah, I know what you mean. My husband shares the same delusion. I feel for you.

 

 

 

 

 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I'm so sorry pretty lady. I'm glad you came last night to the meetup. I'm sorry it caused an argument. I even more sorry that your husband can't accept that you don't believe the same things. Coffee again soon?

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I'm so sorry pretty lady. I'm glad you came last night to the meetup. I'm sorry it caused an argument. I even more sorry that your husband can't accept that you don't believe the same things. Coffee again soon?

 

 

You bet!

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Guest
This topic is now closed to further replies.
 Share

×
×
  • Create New...

Important Information

By using this site, you agree to our Guidelines.