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Deconversion Youtube Series Part 5


prplfox
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I promise eventually this story will turn around and there will be resolution and a new life as an atheist, it just isn't yet, but I wanted to represent the reality of what happens sometimes in a young person who becomes trapped in a deconversion and what the consequences of that can be.

 

 

 

<3

Eli

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Wow. I don't know what to say. Thank you so much for posting this. It really hit me, in so many ways. You seem like a truly wonderful person who did not deserve to go through all that darkness. There is a lot that I can relate to, yet I suppose we all have a unique story. I really wish you all the best in your dealing with this and moving on in your new life. Peace, Max

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Your whole series is just amazing. Admittedly, I am a very concrete thinker who rarely pays any attention to the arts, but your words are so moving to me. I hear a sort or surreal poetry that is no less than beautiful. You really have a gift and I eagerly anticipate each installment.

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Thanks again.

 

Look forward to part six.

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Just cried through this whole you tube - I relate to your story so much.Thank you for sharing this with us.

 

AsI have said in the last few months - the pieces of my 'deconverting puzzle' are starting to come together FINALLY for me. Maybe, by the time I am celebrating 1 year on this site - I will finally be healed! REAL healing!!

 

Trauma in the world and in my own life were the main reasons for my falling away from god. I suffer from c-ptsd, starting right from my childhood. I never went long before another horrible crisis would happen. Someday, I may tell you all the very details. My heart has been ripped out so many times..the whole 'illusion of safety'' that I held on to for years, is not an illusion anymore.I am always ready for the next hurt.That's why I have become somewhat a hermit.....to protect myself.

 

And all these years I kept going back to god, even when it didn't make sense. I really thought he would come through for me one day.........

 

This may sound like a horrible testimony, but really.......I am doing much better today than I ever have in my life. As I said before: 'life just makes more sense now that there's no god involved. I also know we're nothing but a bunch of monkeys running around........

 

thank you sooooo much for putting this you tube (for an older gal!) together to help people like me!! I would die without this site.............

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hmmmmmm I've been watching all these and I have to confess this one leaves me a bit confused.

 

You kinda lose me about whatever Liam did that you won't say, and "loving" the kids.

 

Even when I was a strong christian, I never could do the Youth Group thing. I always found them to be a bunch of uncool losers. Of course, that was the 70s and maybe I would enjoy them more now? But they were always very goody goody preppy who never accepted anyone who stepped outside of fashion norms. I always felt they were beneath me, at the same time they felt I was beneath them.

 

Looking back on it now, I don't think ANY of my teen age friends were Xtians. Humanists, every one. I think my parents thought I would be a good Jeee-sauce influence on them. oooops it took 50 yrs but things went the other way around.

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So poignant. Can't wait too see the next installment. Although I agree with Yellow Jacket, i was confused over "Liam" and what happened with him.

 

freedom

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Hi prplfox!

 

Wow, I’ve been waiting for this next installment. I feel such grief for your journey and what you have been through. I recognize the youthful passion and zeal. You are a deep thinker and even deeper feeler. The violations you have ‘pressed into’ (as we say in fundy circles) make me sad.

 

I like what you said: “I had made fatal personal discoveries. I was slowly bleeding to death.” I can relate to this. Few of us come to the place of deconversion just by whim; it is a soul wrenching process in which we are dragged to our senses against our will.

 

I, too “used to go with the multitude, leading songs of praise for you”. Now, instead of singing “better is one day in your house” I am living my thousands elsewhere. You are not alone.

 

Finally, your attempts to defeat the deconversion are profound. I had not heard of “complex” PTSD but will look that up in my DSM-IV. Your documented cycle of Jesus > Pain > Focus on Jesus not pain (and on and on) really connected with me.

 

I can’t wait for the next installment. I truly hope you have found peace.

 

 

 

 

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hmmmmmm I've been watching all these and I have to confess this one leaves me a bit confused.

 

You kinda lose me about whatever Liam did that you won't say, and "loving" the kids.

 

YellowJacket, I put this in the video description about Liam, I hope it makes sense:

 

*A note about Liam: I left what happened with Liam intentionally vague. This was in respect for and protection of those whose lives were affected. This is, after all, a real story. The specifics of what he did are not relevant to why I deconverted. I included this event because of its affect on my relationship with Jesus and how it necessitated the prolonged survival of my faith. Ultimately, this series isn't meant to just be about me. This is a human story and I'm only doing this right if you can connect in some way with your own story through it.

As for "loving" the kids, I'm trying to tell this story as openly as possible so I'm just using my own language from when I was 20 and within that context. It doesn't mean anything underlying, if that's what you're getting at, I was very close to the kids in my youth group and that was woven into the deconversion story, so that's why I included it.

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Wow. I don't know what to say. Thank you so much for posting this. It really hit me, in so many ways. You seem like a truly wonderful person who did not deserve to go through all that darkness. There is a lot that I can relate to, yet I suppose we all have a unique story. I really wish you all the best in your dealing with this and moving on in your new life. Peace, Max

 

Everyone has a story, I'm glad this meant something to you

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Your whole series is just amazing. Admittedly, I am a very concrete thinker who rarely pays any attention to the arts, but your words are so moving to me. I hear a sort or surreal poetry that is no less than beautiful. You really have a gift and I eagerly anticipate each installment.

 

This means a lot, thank you so much.

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Just cried through this whole you tube - I relate to your story so much.Thank you for sharing this with us.

 

AsI have said in the last few months - the pieces of my 'deconverting puzzle' are starting to come together FINALLY for me. Maybe, by the time I am celebrating 1 year on this site - I will finally be healed! REAL healing!!

 

Trauma in the world and in my own life were the main reasons for my falling away from god. I suffer from c-ptsd, starting right from my childhood. I never went long before another horrible crisis would happen. Someday, I may tell you all the very details. My heart has been ripped out so many times..the whole 'illusion of safety'' that I held on to for years, is not an illusion anymore.I am always ready for the next hurt.That's why I have become somewhat a hermit.....to protect myself.

 

And all these years I kept going back to god, even when it didn't make sense. I really thought he would come through for me one day.........

 

This may sound like a horrible testimony, but really.......I am doing much better today than I ever have in my life.

 

Margee, hugs and rocket ships. It means a lot to hear the ways this connected with you. You do not have a horrible testimony, it's your story and it's important. A lot of people cling to God because of past hurts, you are so brave to be confronting them for what they are. I hope you are finding ways to open like a flower. The healing takes a long time, maybe a lifetime, but that also makes you who you are. If I can help pieces come together for you then that's as much as I can ask for with a series like this.

Eli

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Wow, I’ve been waiting for this next installment. I feel such grief for your journey and what you have been through. I recognize the youthful passion and zeal. You are a deep thinker and even deeper feeler. The violations you have ‘pressed into’ (as we say in fundy circles) make me sad.

 

I like what you said: “I had made fatal personal discoveries. I was slowly bleeding to death.” I can relate to this. Few of us come to the place of deconversion just by whim; it is a soul wrenching process in which we are dragged to our senses against our will.

 

I, too “used to go with the multitude, leading songs of praise for you”. Now, instead of singing “better is one day in your house” I am living my thousands elsewhere. You are not alone.

 

Finally, your attempts to defeat the deconversion are profound. I had not heard of “complex” PTSD but will look that up in my DSM-IV. Your documented cycle of Jesus > Pain > Focus on Jesus not pain (and on and on) really connected with me.

 

I can’t wait for the next installment. I truly hope you have found peace.

I do have peace about the deconversion, these are life events that happened almost a decade ago so I've had time to work them out, but you always feel it in some ways, so I try to use that for good when I can. The articles I read on C-PTSD lined up so perfectly with the experience of a Christian trapped in a deconversion. I started the series with the CNN clip where Marlene Winell was trying to express that this is something serious that people aren't talking about, and the CNN Christian gets all incredulous, and says stupid stuff, but this is real. Thank you for voicing out the ways this resonated with you, I'm right there with you.

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I've been watching your videos for the last few months (more than once). They have really helped me through my deconversion process. Thank you for all the time and energy you put into your videos. I admire your honesty, and your courage to be so vulnerable.

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  • 1 month later...

Just wanted to say thank you for your video series. I watched it for the first time a couple of days ago. I'm very newly "de-converted", it's actually hard for me to even describe myself that way. Your vulnerability and honesty helped unlock some stuff in me and helped me realize some things about myself. Thank you for sharing your life and your journey. I just want to say I get it, and I see you and totally validate your experience. I know first hand how real it is.

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I do have peace about the deconversion, these are life events that happened almost a decade ago so I've had time to work them out, but you always feel it in some ways, so I try to use that for good when I can.

Hey prplfox

I was just reviewing some older conversations here at Ex-C. I look forward to your next video (I actually keep checking for it smile.png ). They are hard to watch, in one sense, because the experiences and feelings are so intense, and I see the passion you had for God. At one time in my life, this was what was most important for me, too. One thing I need to know (yes, I require a spoiler wink.png ) is how you are doing right now in your life and if you have an even better quality of life now that you've deconverted. I really hope you have a great life, career, love, etc. Also, I was curious about "Liam". I hope he is also okay and has found what he's looking for. I often wonder about these things.

 

Thanks and take care!

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  • 2 weeks later...

I'm very newly "de-converted", it's actually hard for me to even describe myself that way. Your vulnerability and honesty helped unlock some stuff in me and helped me realize some things about myself. Thank you for sharing your life and your journey. I just want to say I get it, and I see you and totally validate your experience. I know first hand how real it is.

 

When wrestling with how to tell this story, something I've really hoped for is that others could understand themselves better by watching the videos, so it means a lot to hear you give that voice. You know something that is amazing about what you said above "I get it" - no one, in my 4 year long deconversion, ever said those words to me. So in the limited ways I can on a forum like this, I see you too.

 

 

how you are doing right now in your life and if you have an even better quality of life now that you've deconverted. I really hope you have a great life, career, love, etc. Also, I was curious about "Liam". I hope he is also okay and has found what he's looking for.

 

The shattered early 20's guy in the video is not who I am now. Letting go of Jesus is not magic and doesn't make everything ok, but it is the beginning of embracing yourself and a story that is so much more beautiful than Jesus. If you require evidence that I am ok now, you can check out my non-religion youtube wink.png

 

I don't have any contact with Liam, and I haven't for years.

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I agree with the C-PTSD diagnosis. I've had it myself and never knew why I felt that way so it's a big plus to know it as a young guy like yourself.

 

You did eventually leave that group, right?

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I've been diagnosed with C-PTSD because of my abusive mother, but I never really considered the extension to my religious upbringing. And yet, as I watched Part 5, I was vividly reminded of the time my pastor said I wasn't going to heaven because I'd been baptized by a different denomination, and the time I sat listening to a hellfire and brimstone message and wondered - for the thousandth time - whether or not I was actually saved.

 

Forcing ourselves to pretend to be who we know for certain we are not for long periods of time IS traumatizing, and it betrays who we are.

 

I, too, thought that this reminded me of poetry. It's beautiful and I feel very connected to you through it.

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