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In A Strange Land


Msshelle76
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I am on that cusp. That small line that once crossed, says, I no longer believe. I have never believed. An I am so sad. Anguished really. Because having that foundation, no matter how fake, was all I had.

 

How do I adjust to a life without a belief system? How do I handle the feelings of guilt, even when the deepest core of me is saying I am right. How do I handle the torn feeling, the tug of war going on between my mind and my heart?

 

I have always had doubts and questions. I was told I was rebellious and a sinner. I was put through 2 exorcisms (ntohing was found, imagine that). Learning to trust my own judgment an thoughts feels right. I love more, I am more open, I am more giving, people are drawn to me.

 

But to realize the steps I am taking, into an unknown place, makes me want to weep. And I am scared. How do I handle the responsibility to my children who believe so strongly when their beliefs make me cringe inside an I want to argue logic with them? My family is very religious. I believe they always knew but had hoped it was a phase.

 

Can anyone imagine how much easier it would be to just believe? To just not question it? . . . . .

 

To live in prison.

 

Sigh . . . At one time in my life, I never pictured myself HERE. But now, right now, I cant ever imagine myself back THERE

 

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Welcome, Msshelle76! Ex-C is a great place to air out these thoughts and feelings. Having your paradigm and worldview ripped out from underneath you can be troubling! But it can also be stimulating and passionate. I know when I first started to deconvert I consumed as many books, videos and articles as I could. There is a great comfort in realizing and grasping beliefs for yourself that aren't based on 2,000 year old mythology or what is spouted behind a pulpit. Instead, if you use your own reason, introspection, and rationality you'll arrive at beliefs (and knowledge) that are your own, forged by your own sense of right and wrong. It can be quite the responsibility though. No longer can you (or we) chalk our decisions up to "God's Will" or "Satan's conniving" since we are responsible for our own actions.

 

As far as your children and their beliefs I would direct you to asanerman's wonderful post - http://www.ex-christian.net/topic/48250-forgive-me-my-little-one/page__view__findpost__p__693824

 

And with your family - a lot of people here are going through similar situations themselves, myself included, though to a lesser degree. I will say that should you be open, you will find that those who are true friends and companions will reveal themselves and those who are not will fall to the side. Were they friends to begin with, or "friends" due to similar beliefs?

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Im there with you, Msshelle. Its been difficult for me as well, but I will say reading posts from people on here who have been in the same place has been VERY encouraging. Im sure people will reply to this and give you some excellent advice. Im pretty new to this process, so I dont think Ill have the best advice, but I did want to encourage you and let you know that you're not alone and there are many people on here who will be glad to help you through this time.

Also, one thing that has helped me a lot has been to remain positive as much as possible. Instead of focusing on how difficult the process is, I think about this new freedom I have, to be myself, and to love others without question. When you said "Learning to trust my own judgment an thoughts feels right. I love more, I am more open, I am more giving, people are drawn to me." I related to that right away. I too, have noticed that people genuinely like to me more, because I dont feel so held back and held down, and I am able to be myself. This is a beautiful thing. And people will see that. Your children will see that.

I think the best thing you can do for your children, is to love yourself for who you are, and love them for who they are. You cant change them, but you can show them how you have changed. You can show them how strongly you can love (without God or Christianity). You can show them how you are growing.

This isnt just about leaving Christianity. You are on a journey to being who you really are. I know this journey is a scary one, but it is a beautiful one.

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Can anyone imagine how much easier it would be to just believe? To just not question it? . . . . .

 

To live in prison.

 

Sigh . . . At one time in my life, I never pictured myself HERE. But now, right now, I cant ever imagine myself back THERE

 

This portion of your post resonated with me. I sometimes wish that it wasn't in my nature to question, well, everything.

 

But I can't change who I am. For twenty years I tried to convince myself I believed something, and for some of that time I actually did believe, but it never lasted. Something always caused me to ask more questions, and the answers just never came.

 

Just believe, I was told. Pray for peace and understanding, they said. Pray for the Lord's assurance, was the wisdom I was given.

 

Now, even though I still question everything, it is okay to not have the answers. I just got sick of being given the wrong answers about everything.

 

Welcome to the board. Like you, some of us are in situations that present us with difficult choices that may hurt the ones we love the most. You are definitely not alone.

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This isnt just about leaving Christianity. You are on a journey to being who you really are. I know this journey is a scary one, but it is a beautiful one.

 

That is sooo true. It has been a journey years in the making. It is so beautiful, how I see people, the world . . . .myself. And its not so much that I am scared, I have an awkward peace, if that makes any sense. Just disorientated a bit.

 

It never felt real to me. I was also trying to feel . . . something. I was trying to be who everyone wanted. An I was dying inside. I was depressed an overwhelmed. Until I walked away, started walking away. Now I feel so connected. So in tune. So the sadness makes no sense. But I guess everyone has to grieve a loss, even if its a welcome one.

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It never felt real to me. I was also trying to feel . . . something. I was trying to be who everyone wanted. An I was dying inside. I was depressed an overwhelmed. Until I walked away, started walking away. Now I feel so connected. So in tune. So the sadness makes no sense. But I guess everyone has to grieve a loss, even if its a welcome one.

 

I completely relate to this. Can I ask how long you have been going through this process?

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I was also very sad the day I realized I no longer believed, in fact I was rather distraught. Basically I went from Christian almost directly to atheist, so it was very swift and sort of surreal. On that day I remember looking at the world around me and seeing it through a new set of eyes - without god it in. And that was sort of scary.

 

I think what helped me was realizing that a world without god isn't any different than a world with god ~ the world itself was just the same the day after I stopped believing, as it was the day before. See, it was me who changed - not the world. And once I acknowledged and accepted that, it was very easy to pick up where I left off and get back to living my life.

 

At the end of the day, whether you believe or not, whether you think you have a "foundation" or not, we all end up the same - we live, we age, and then we die. That's it.

 

It will get better, just give it some time....

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It never felt real to me. I was also trying to feel . . . something. I was trying to be who everyone wanted. An I was dying inside. I was depressed an overwhelmed. Until I walked away, started walking away. Now I feel so connected. So in tune. So the sadness makes no sense. But I guess everyone has to grieve a loss, even if its a welcome one.

 

I completely relate to this. Can I ask how long you have been going through this process?

 

I stopped wanting to be in church at 12. Teens years I had a hard time grasping it. The past 3 years, since my mom died have been more intense for me. People an ideas keep coming into my life to prove that I am on the right path. Its been beautiful an painful...... sigh

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i can relate to you as my path from christianity was also very tramatic but i promise it will get better.

 

just rember you are free to be you now, free to be yourself and free to make your own choices. i sugest browsng through the testimonies section to get a slue of answers.

 

 

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