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The Masturbatory Preacher


Jeremy Allen
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I recently returned to college full time for a second degree. The University of South Florida campus has many religious people handing out religious material, preaching on sidewalks, etc. Today, some preacher walked into an outdoor dining area and began condemning us students who were enjoying our lunch in the shade of beautiful Oak trees.

 

I wrote a letter to the editor of the school newspaper and submitted it tonight. I doubt they will publish it. I figured I will share here because many of you probably sympathize with this experience. Here is the letter:

 

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A street preacher called me a whore today at USF. In fact, he called everyone a whore who was sitting outside of Cooper Hall at noon. Most of us were just eating our lunch.

 

He complained that we participate in premarital sex. According to the preacher, because we allegedly cannot satisfy our lusts we fit his biblical definition of a whore.

 

However, he did not court us, or send us sweet text messages, or ask us on a date or whisper sweet nothings in our ears. He just arrived outside Cooper Hall with an apparent cerebral erection, verbally masturbated all over us, then thrust his throbbing judgments into our ears.

 

In this public setting he condemned us, adults, for having consensual sex behind closed doors. He even spoke hatefully about gay and lesbian students. He clearly could not satiate his swelling urge to rhetorically spank strangers in public for not submitting to his religious fantasies.

 

So, who was the whore outside Cooper Hall? The squirming preacher with the saliva-dripping megaphone in his blistered hand. Hopefully next time he will at least give us flowers first.

 

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Haha, great writing! We have a couple street preachers in the downtown area who regularly stand on street corners and do their absolute best to ruin everyone's time.

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Was this masturbatory preacher Jed Smock? Sounds like his usual rants, especially if you over heard him discussing sodomy in detail ( he went on about the gerbil up the ass myth one day at my college recently).

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I recently returned to college full time for a second degree. The University of South Florida campus has many religious people handing out religious material, preaching on sidewalks, etc. Today, some preacher walked into an outdoor dining area and began condemning us students who were enjoying our lunch in the shade of beautiful Oak trees.

 

I wrote a letter to the editor of the school newspaper and submitted it tonight. I doubt they will publish it. I figured I will share here because many of you probably sympathize with this experience. Here is the letter:

 

-------

 

A street preacher called me a whore today at USF. In fact, he called everyone a whore who was sitting outside of Cooper Hall at noon. Most of us were just eating our lunch.

 

He complained that we participate in premarital sex. According to the preacher, because we allegedly cannot satisfy our lusts we fit his biblical definition of a whore.

 

However, he did not court us, or send us sweet text messages, or ask us on a date or whisper sweet nothings in our ears. He just arrived outside Cooper Hall with an apparent cerebral erection, verbally masturbated all over us, then thrust his throbbing judgments into our ears.

 

In this public setting he condemned us, adults, for having consensual sex behind closed doors. He even spoke hatefully about gay and lesbian students. He clearly could not satiate his swelling urge to rhetorically spank strangers in public for not submitting to his religious fantasies.

 

So, who was the whore outside Cooper Hall? The squirming preacher with the saliva-dripping megaphone in his blistered hand. Hopefully next time he will at least give us flowers first.

 

 

 

This letter was very arousing...lol...I think everyone should get their own megaphone just in case of people like these. haha.

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I wrote a letter to the editor of the school newspaper and submitted it tonight. I doubt they will publish it. I figured I will share here because many of you probably sympathize with this experience.

LOL! Well you at least have a prayer since it's a school paper and not the local Daily Bugle. I sure hope they publish it.

 

Sadly, religion in general and even hyperfundie religion in particular get more respect and deference than it deserves, and editors are more likely to consider your letter hate speech than the preacher's invective. Our culture is fucked up in that regard.

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Yeah, this guy is a regular fixture on campus. School security know about him and they do nothing about it. I'm going to keep track of how often he verbally abuses gay and lesbian students. If the school can't sanction him for preaching about magical sky gods, then surely they can sanction him for hate speech. We'll find out...

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The guy's either a sex-obsessed closet perv, or a closet gay. Either way, he's a perfect candidate for some sex therapy.

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The guy's either a sex-obsessed closet perv, or a closet gay. Either way, he's a perfect candidate for some sex therapy.

 

As my sociologist teacher once said, "He just needs to get laid." (He whispered that to me in a student lounge in regards to an annoying classmate who does just need to get laid.)

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I was thinking about getting all the students to agree ahead of time that when the preacher shows up in the courtyard next time, that we would all just start undressing and "fornicating."

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If this preacher is that Brother Jed, who most of the times rants in X rated talk about sodomy and sex acts, make a video of him, then put it on Youtube for the LOL's. :HaHa:

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We had one on our campus who was also accusing women passing by on their way to class of being whores. One woman decided that was over the line and filed slander charges against him, which can be done. He hasn't been back since.

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i can only imagine the stress this guy is under trying to abstain from any form of sexual activity and the pain he has in his heart when he comits it.:HaHa:

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I was on the commuter train here in Dallas and as it was moving through the downtown area, a family of very tattooed biker types got on. One of the ladies was arguing through the window with a street preacher who was criticizing all her tattoos. Finally she yelled, as the train was about to pull away, "I HAVE JESUS CHRIST IN MY HEART! FUCK YOU!!!!"

 

Pretty funny.

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Finally she yelled, as the train was about to pull away, "I HAVE JESUS CHRIST IN MY HEART! FUCK YOU!!!!"

So hilarious I spewed my coffee. lmao_99.gif

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I was on the commuter train here in Dallas and as it was moving through the downtown area, a family of very tattooed biker types got on. One of the ladies was arguing through the window with a street preacher who was criticizing all her tattoos. Finally she yelled, as the train was about to pull away, "I HAVE JESUS CHRIST IN MY HEART! FUCK YOU!!!!"

 

Pretty funny.

Buwahahahahaa!

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Jeremy,

Your letter was beautiful. LOL. I hope it gets published too! You should be like the religious antagonist and dish it right back to him. For sure! PROOOBably, your fiance doesn't want you to undress and fornicate with whoever is at lunch, lol!

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As bad as the "masterbating preacher" is, I wish they were all like that. That way, people can see the christian religion for what it is - ugly and hateful.

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Jeremy,

Your letter was beautiful. LOL. I hope it gets published too! You should be like the religious antagonist and dish it right back to him. For sure! PROOOBably, your fiance doesn't want you to undress and fornicate with whoever is at lunch, lol!

 

I like this way of responding. If you call security/cops then there's first amendment issues and stuff. But if you speak right back at them, you're just exercising your first amendment rights, too!

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