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Interracial Couples And Intense Scrutiny


viridia
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Hey guys,

 

I noticed recently while at the mall with my boyfriend, a lot of people give us looks. Some people smile, some people look disgusted, some people have shaken their heads. There's definitely a lot more negativity than positivity, but either way, people still look and that bothers me. I'm a white girl and my boyfriend is black. It's like they've never seen such a thing before--we're a commodity everywhere and I hate it.

 

I Googled it and on a lot of forums and comments of articles, interracial couples make people uncomfortable to some extent. I don't know if that's accurate of the rest of America/the world but to know that it makes uncomfortable people who claim they are not racist...that's just fucked up.

 

I guess I thought in this day and age we'd be past all that--at the very least in the DMV area of all places but I guess not. In all honesty, I think my high school experience as well as dating a black guy for over 2 and a half years caused me to look past race completely. If I'm attracted to you, I'm attracted to you no matter what race you are. If you're annoying as shit, I'm not going to like you at all. If you're nice and funny, I'm going to love hanging out with you. If you're dumb and don't know how to form coherent sentences or spell correctly at age 16, I'm not going to associate with you, white, black, Spanish, Mexican, Japanese, Pakistani, I don't give a shit. If I see an interracial couple anywhere, I don't stare at them like they're some circus attraction. I hardly notice them at all anymore, and when I do see them, I feel so proud that they're moving across this hidden barrier that society has tried to put up against them. And as cheesy as it sounds, I'm proud of my boyfriend and myself for it as well.

 

Another thing--I feel like people simply do not take interracial couples seriously, particularly younger ones. I've heard more than one person say they think it's just a rebellious phase: "Fuck you Mom and Dad, I'm dating a WHITE boy," or something. For the longest time my friend thought I was dating my boyfriend because I felt sorry for him and accepted his proposal out of pity. We're just as serious as a white, black, Asian, etc couple just entering their young adult years. I'm getting tired of this racism--which is what I've concluded it is. Just pure racism.

 

What are your opinions on this? Am I overthinking, overreacting? Do you agree or disagree?

--viridia

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Your post implies that your a black gal dating a white guy- is that correct?

 

If so, then maybe people take notice because it's an unusual combination. I see black guys and white gals together all the time- it's very common. But a black gal and a white guy- I can count the number of times I've seen that on one hand.

 

So maybe it isn't racism. Maybe people are just gawking. I imagine it's annoying, but it's just what we humans DO.

 

 

I imagine that couples with an asian guy and a white gal would have much the same experience. It happens, but you sure don't see that combination every day.

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Another thing--I feel like people simply do not take interracial couples seriously, particularly younger ones. I've heard more than one person say they think it's just a rebellious phase: "Fuck you Mom and Dad, I'm dating a WHITE boy," or something. For the longest time my friend thought I was dating my boyfriend because I felt sorry for him and accepted his proposal out of pity. We're just as serious as a white, black, Asian, etc couple just entering their young adult years. I'm getting tired of this racism--which is what I've concluded it is. Just pure racism.

 

What are your opinions on this? Am I overthinking, overreacting? Do you agree or disagree?

--viridia

 

In my opinion there is only one race - the human race. Whenever I get a survey I prefer to fill in "declines to state" for my race. However not everybody who stares is a hater. Back when my wife was pregnant I caught myself staring at "interracial" couples if they had an infant. At the time I was fondly anticipating what my own child would look like. As for the racist comments people are making to you just remind yourself that opinions are like arse holes - everybody has one. People are not going to change for you (and many of them lack the ability to change) so you are going to have to get use to living in a backward world full of idiots.

 

I had a cop try to give me a "race lesson" a while back. Watch out for that. Being employed by a police department doesn't make them honest, law abiding, enlightened or civilized. I kept my wits about me, kept my mouth shut and waited for him to give me grounds for a lawsuit. After a while he sensed that things were not going to go his way and left. You might want to talk to a lawyer ahead of time so you know what to do. Some of it is counter intuitive. Preparation is everything and there are a lot of racist cops out there. Oh and I never answer cop questions other than identity unless I have a lawyer. I will say who I am and who anybody I know is but that is about it. When they bug me about it I just tell them it's my policy to not answer other questions without my lawyer. Talking too much is how innocent people wind up getting railroaded.

 

I wish you and your boyfriend the best of happiness. When people give you weird looks you should kiss him.

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Maybe it's different for black and white couples, but my fiance is filipino and we've never experienced anything like that. The worst I've ever gotten was my mom asking if me and Grace were going to have Chinese babies....

 

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There are so many stereotypes with interracial couples which effect people's perception (I think):

 

Black man dating White woman: using her for financial support and/or because she is more willing to experiment sexually.

 

White man dating Asian Woman: Usually an older man who can't get white women for whatever reasons.

 

Asian man dating White woman: He's a "twinkee" and ashamed of his race. Prefers "white" culture over his own.

 

Jewish man dating White woman: same as above.

 

Where I live there aren't too many interracial couples, everyone sticks to their own which is fair enough. I got a lot of friends who are either interracial themselves or in a interracial relationship.

 

Over here I don't think interracial couples are too big of a deal but you probably will get looks if you're an "odd" mix. One of my friends is black and only likes Asian chicks. When he is with his girlfriend he gets looks all the time. Hell, I would too I didn't know them.

 

Same with black/white couples. Over here most blacks are refugees or fairly recent imports (first generation) so it's hilarious to see them all act like rap stars but speak with an accent. I actually saw a white chick with one of these rap guy wannabes the other day and I was completely shocked TBH, I was like "Really? Him?"

 

Anyways, each to his own. I personally wouldn't marry outside of my race (even though I find Asian women really attractive) because of my parents and also because I'm somewhat "traditional" in this regards too but I definitely support my friends if they view things differently.

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I've never noticed people looking, but my wife and I (her Korean, me white) are probably the most common interracial coupling in the United States. There seem to be plenty of interracial couples around here (Dallas, Texas). I've never felt like I stood out, probably because I don't. The only thing different from the comment up above is that she's the older one by a couple of years, although it isn't really that noticable.

 

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White man dating Asian Woman: Usually an older man who can't get white women for whatever reasons.

 

 

Wow! That's really demeaning of Asian women. Over here, most Asian women in my age group are 2nd generation or later and accepted as being just as American as anyone else. They don't need an old rich white guy to take care of them.

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The only thing different from the comment up above is that she's the older one by a couple of years, although it isn't really that noticable.

 

My fiance is a year younger than me and still wrinkle free while I'm cracking faster than a jockey in the final stretch.

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Your post implies that your a black gal dating a white guy- is that correct?

No, it's not correct. If you'd have read the post you would realize there is no implication. Rather, she's quite specific early on.

 

...I'm a white girl and my boyfriend is black.
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White man dating Asian Woman: Usually an older man who can't get white women for whatever reasons.

 

 

Wow! That's really demeaning of Asian women. Over here, most Asian women in my age group are 2nd generation or later and looked accepted as being just as American as anyone else. They don't need an old rich white guy to take care of them.

 

This wasn't something I believe. It's just a stereotype I've seen others promoting. I forgot to add that the Asian woman (and doesn't necessarily need to be Asian, simply an import) is from overseas too. I'd be lying if I haven't seen scenarios like this but not everyone's case is like this. One of my friends married a Filipino girl whose grandfather arrived here in his teens.

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Viridia,

 

I think people in general find that Americans, are a visually biased society. I'll not dare speak for other nations people, because I don't have as much experience in social relations abroad.

 

I'm a people watcher. I love to sit in a food court at the mall, enjoy a soda and soft pretzle, for instance, and watch my community express themselves around me.

 

I see people stare at mixed race couples, when it's a white person with just about any other race. I've seen people go so far as to make crass comments regarding someone's appearance, give dirty looks, to fat people, ugly people, gay couples and even the handicapped.

 

Rude and ignorant can be quite educational. It's humbling because it helps me to realize what I could become if I had been raised to be an asshole.

 

With regard to the looks you get as a mixed race couple, it's an interesting thing in that in the 21st century politics regarding immigration reform, for instance, are often argued using the statement or defense; America is a melting pot...

 

And yet, of all the beautiful colors of all the different races that live in this country, blacks to this day seem to be just a little less scrutinized generally than they were in 1955. Stereotypes remain in place and are largely exploited by black producers, like Spike Lee in his day and now Tyler Perry.

 

We witness as a consumer public productions in movies, TV, music, manufactured entertainment that glorify thug life by making rich and famous and recorded, felons who spit rhymes about slinging dope, murder, rape, bitches and ho's. All things they did or continue to do, in real life. People who use to be a menace to south central, are glorified by actors in a movie by the same name. Men and women who use to be a menace to their neighborhoods in general, now thank god for their MTV music award, after recording an album glorifying the thug life, violence, depravity and criminality.

 

It's a systematic programming that fosters the divide. That breeds the racism, the visual bias, to a new generation. Only it's packaged as seemingly benign entertainment. However, the affects are insidious. While those responsible for propagating the impression are millionaires for the trouble.

 

Thus the image of the "nigger" (the etymology of which began as a word to denote simply, 'black') remains front and center as a slur for the worst kind of person of color. Only now, in the world of reversals, that consonant has been evolved unto a vowel so that "nigga" is a kudo slung on CD's and amid the black community as a means, they say, of taking back their power and overcoming the insult afforded the former term.

 

As that what was decried as scoundrel, criminal, and any racist pejorative is fitted with a double standard, that in application, remains racist in it's own right. Because a white person that refers to a black person as, "nigga", unless it's cool, is considered racist, threatened, condemned and accused of racism. While the image and likeness of the black race, regardless of whatever slang one wishes to apply for whatever reason, remains deplorable due to old values that seemingly focus on blacks as the predominant race made subject to intolerance by all manner of other cultures in America. And really, what's happening in the process is the fracture of that aforementioned melting pot.

 

What a beautiful tapestry the world is, with all the colors of cultures and all the different ways of life. And what a travesty it is that renders that tapestry asunder, thread by thread, when we see people by the color of their skin before we dare look any deeper than our own prejudices.

 

So it's the image, the white girl with the black man, that hearkens back to the prejudices that are cultural and often enough family traditional. It's a rare thing to have a white racist family who raise children not also racist.

 

To be fair, racism exists across all cultures and even self-loathing, as I've witnessed when I've heard black men refer to other blacks using the "N" word with venom.

 

It's separateness, differences, preconceived notions of what's white and what's right. It's weird, it's incessant. And it will be able to be witnessed to the day you die. People are weird, because we're judgmental.

 

So next time you see someone looking at you strangely, or even with contempt, etc... look them right in the eye and remember this. You are in love with the person beside you. While that person giving you both the dirty look are demonstrating what you are blessed not to suffer. Don't let them bother you, though I know that can be hard.

 

Rather, consider how blessed you are not to think the same way. ;)

 

 

*edit double word*

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White man dating Asian Woman: Usually an older man who can't get white women for whatever reasons.

 

 

 

Wow! That's really demeaning of Asian women. Over here, most Asian women in my age group are 2nd generation or later and looked accepted as being just as American as anyone else. They don't need an old rich white guy to take care of them.

 

This wasn't something I believe. It's just a stereotype I've seen others promoting. I forgot to add that the Asian woman (and doesn't necessarily need to be Asian, simply an import) is from overseas too. I'd be lying if I haven't seen scenarios like this but not everyone's case is like this. One of my friends married a Filipino girl whose grandfather arrived here in his teens.

 

I wasn't accusing you of anything. I just think that is an ugly stereotype and glad I haven't encountered it here.

 

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I wasn't accusing you of anything. I just think that is an ugly stereotype and glad I haven't encountered it here.

 

All cool, just wanted to be clear is all. All stereotypes are shitty but not much we can do about them, at least for awhile I guess.

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There aren't too many cultures as thoroughly integrated as ours. It's not something the human condition has adapted to. As such, we still tend to segregate ourselves vehemently by whatever lines we can claim. Interracial coupling is still strongly divisive, and it's divisive because we are still worried about a tribal loss of identity. Ask any black woman that has a problem with one of "her" black men dating outside the race. The gist you'll get is that there aren't enough black males to go around, and that in part at least, that's the reason our (black) society is crumbling.

 

I remember how uncomfortable my father was at the thought of people dating outside their race, especially his children. If he only knew that the majority of the girls I found attractive were other than black. I find it funny that I'm less than invisible to black women as it stands, but I bet money that they'd be up in arms the moment I was caught in public with anything other than the darkest blue-black "sista" I could find.

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As much as I know it's wrong and would prefer not to be, I can be racist sometimes. I can be colorblind with people I know well, but somehow I just end up not thinking of them as part of the group I'm stereotyping instead of getting rid of my stereotypes. I'm pretty good with being colorblind towards people who are as middle class and urban as I am, who aren't culturally black, but that just means I look down on people who dress and talk differently than me, which isn't much of an improvement. I also tend to confuse race and... black culture (is that the correct term?) with the classist concepts I've picked up from my parents. I feel bad about all of this, but don't really know how to fix it. I'd hoped that I'd be exposed to a more colorful set of people in college where I could see lots of people not acting out my stereotypes, but I still ended up in predominantly white classes with more Asians than blacks. So I might well be one of the annoying people who stares at an interracial couple before I realize that I'm being rude.

 

I guess the other point is that even though I live in a fairly diverse city, we're not very integrated. There's white neighborhoods and black neighborhoods. I've grown up around predominantly white areas who only see black people from the low-income neighborhood nearby. The black family inside my neighborhood don't "act black". All the crime that goes with being low-income ends up getting attached to the idea of being black because that's more visible than the income disparity. So no, I don't think that we as a culture are anywhere near getting past our racism.

 

P.S. My experiences are from the midwest USA.

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White man dating Asian Woman: Usually an older man who can't get white women for whatever reasons.

 

 

Wow! That's really demeaning of Asian women. Over here, most Asian women in my age group are 2nd generation or later and looked accepted as being just as American as anyone else. They don't need an old rich white guy to take care of them.

 

This wasn't something I believe. It's just a stereotype I've seen others promoting. I forgot to add that the Asian woman (and doesn't necessarily need to be Asian, simply an import) is from overseas too. I'd be lying if I haven't seen scenarios like this but not everyone's case is like this. One of my friends married a Filipino girl whose grandfather arrived here in his teens.

 

My first wife was white/filipino. I dated her through most of high school. Her grandfather had come to the U.S. in the 30's. Still, a few days before we were married my mom rattled off some crap about the bible says the races shouldn't mix.

 

As for the stereotype you mentioned I think partly it has its roots in the military areas and tourist trade in Asia. I spent a lot of time over there and saw a lot of wrinkled up white men with a tart or two in tow. I can say with 99.9% certainty that the younger people I knew that married a local probably had/would have had a hard time hookin' up with anyone half as attractive in the U.S. as what they paid for over there. Everybody got what they wanted though. He gets married, laid and a companion. She gets out of a shitty environment, consistent support for her family and a ticket to the big PX. It is what it is and I saw it enough to say that there was consistency in the nature of the participants.

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It's a shame that sort of backward attitude is still around in today's world. Charlotte is engaged in a murder trial right now where the defendant said he didn't hate his female victims, but they dated blacks and needed to be released from that shame.

 

I sometimes think if we were all the same color, we'd be predujice according to head shape: the pointys vs. the rounds.

 

Maybe it's different for black and white couples, but my fiance is filipino and we've never experienced anything like that. The worst I've ever gotten was my mom asking if me and Grace were going to have Chinese babies....

 

 

I dated and almost married a Filipina lady. Figured my very-bigoted mom would object, but apparently she was close enough to white.GONZ9729CustomImage1539775.gif

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I myself have dated a Japanese woman, several black women, older women, younger women, rich and poor and really it was all about who I was attracted too not who anyone else wanted to see me with. I now am married to a white woman and her and I have more in common than anyone I have ever dated. We come from similar backgrounds, have had similar experiences in life and I find it much easier to communicate with her than anyone else I had dated before. The age and race differences made it even more difficult to communicate. I have black friends, asian friends, mexican friends, hell I even have a couple who are lesbians and one is black and other white as friends. We had a Tiki party last summer and I had invited all of my friends to come. I have friends who I would consider old south white folk, some that are more progressive and wealthy, some who live in trailers, some who smoke pot and even a magistrate and a police officer. You can basically say it was a melting pot of all different types and everyone got along.

 

But can you guess who most people felt uncomfortable with until they loosened up a bit, the lesbians, not because of the race difference, but because of their relationship. When all was said and done I think everybody went home a bit less bigoted after hanging out with them for a while and realizing there was no big, scary difference in them after all.

 

Point being, if you aren't exposed to something you will have a tendancy to stare, or question it until you can understand it. Some people just aren't lucky enough to meet different types of people and actually be around with them enough to realize there really are no differences other than appearances.

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