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My Chains Are Broken


Will02
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I had been lurking on this site for awhile, but I've finally decided to join and speak out.

 

For the past few months, I have started to openly walk away from Christianity. I just turned 28 a few days ago, and I was going to church (baptist) for as long as I can remember. When I was a kid, I was in a sunday school class every week (I can still remember the stories, and the paper cut-outs of bible characters they put up on those felt boards to illustrate everything) In my mid-to late teen years I got rebellious and started to wander away from the faith, but I still maintained ties to Xianity and there were lines I wouldn't cross. In college, I got serious about it again. Ironically, I stayed in church so long because I never read the Bible through from cover to cover when I was growing up. I was always spoon-fed certain parts and everything that addressed the more vile aspects of god was brushed under the rug, so to speak. I also never understood what god even got out of worship (Is it so insecure that it needs to be constantly reassured?) until I started studying malthiesm (god is evil) which is basically a stepping stone to athiesm/agnosticism. Malthiests teach that god is somehow feeding on the worship of people, and to stop worshipping god is to starve it. For a fictional view of this philosophy, check out the Ori (http://stargate.wikia.com/wiki/Ori) from Stargate.

 

I was fed the whole sin and morality guilt trip, (Basically the same as what so many other people posted) but I blindly accepted it because I had never known any alternatives. I guess I took it for granted. Like so many other people, you could say I was brainwashed... the evil people of the world were going to hell because they deserved it for not accepting Jesus. This sounds abhorrent to me now, but back then it seemed only natural and proper. People would talk endlessly about being converted into demigods at the rapture, going on to heaven, and then ruling on a post-armageddon earth with Jesus. At the time it sounded great, but now the very concept of worshipping god for eternity sounds like endless slavery.

 

Although I was a sincere Xian, I wasn't happy at all with life for quite some time. Although god was allegedly with me, I felt so alone growing up. For the most part, life was a terrible disappointment. Not many people ever cared about me and I only formed strong friendships when I got older, though at times I suffered betrayal from "christian" friends. As I got older and puberty hit, I began to hate these teachings that restrained me and forced me to deny my very humanity to faithfully adhere to them. Many Xians bail out when they get to that age, but somehow I managed to stick it out and I actually followed the teaching banning premarital sex, etc. When I finally did have a chance, I didn't take it because I was afraid of being eventually found out. (I hated myself later for passing it up) Although I managed to achieve this incredible feat (against my will) for so long, there never was any prize and I had nothing to show for it. I was still trapped and thoroughly brainwashed at this point so walking away had never occurred to me.... I felt like I was living in a cage. Xianity promises freedom but delivers the exact opposite. I knew this but it was a long time before I could freely admit it.

 

Deconversion was a very gradual process. I took it slow so my worldview didn't shatter like so many people's did here. The enemy of Christianity is knowlege, and reason DESTROYS faith. My experience wasn't an emotional roller coaster ride.... quite the opposite. I suppose I always knew the truth on some level but I just couldn't accept it. (I guess for a time it was subconscious) I was so set in my ways that I couldn't be honest with myself about my experiences. When I started to wake up I could see the truth. I soon began to see that the promises given to Xians are nothing but lies. I learned that there was zero historical evidence for Jesus (jesusneverexisted.com ... I spent days there reading everything) and how the Bible was a work in progress for many centuries instead of being divinely inspired like I always believed. I learned that most of what Jesus said was plagarized from earlier (pagan!) sources. If something supernatural happened, it could probably be explained through other means. (I'll get to that later) Xians are always talking about relying on god for everything and the famous "when we are weak we are strong" verse. This never made sense to me even when I was a believer. I've always noticed that the weak people in the world get crushed into the ground more often that not. If god did offer some kind of supernatural strength, then it was dished out on very capricious terms (I never experienced it firsthand) therefore this so called strength of god was something I could never personally wield or rely upon on my own terms. Xians speak volumes of how the world is always against them yet history tells us they did far more persecuting than anyone, including the "heathen" Romans. (and Xians wonder why so many people hate them... it isn't entirely due to their message) I've always been a huge sci-fi fan, and much of it has shaped my worldview to some extent. I began to revise my life philosophy when I learned the code of the Sith: (although fictional, it has a lot of truth to it)

 

Peace is a lie, there is only passion.

Through passion I gain strength.

Through strength I gain power.

Through power I gain victory.

Through victory my chains are broken.

The force will free me.

 

Everything except the last line is applicable in the real world. I noticed an interesting parallel... the Jedi (so rigid, self-righteous, and preachy) considered the Sith to be evil because they thought for themselves and weren't afraid to remove their limitations. (ignoring the many Sith atrocities for a minute) Xians believe that anyone who thinks for themselves and refuses to submit to Jesus is evil as well. I realized that it is possible to use the Sith code as a guiding framework without necessarily becoming evil in the process. At this time, I understood that to be truly strong, I must break the chains that held me back and free myself so I can reach my full potential. Xianity was one such chain I had to break, so I did. Once I did, I felt truly free for the first time in my life. Nobody controls me now, and nothing is taboo. I now live in a world without walls. Often, relying on our strength instead of that of a god is the best way to get through life because you are limited only by your own potential/skill.

 

Once I changed my worldview, my days as an Xian were numbered. The real death blow to my faith came when I got into mysticism and energy work. I know there are probably lots of people here who think that paranormal stuff is utter bullshit but I'm ok with that. I used to be a semi-skeptic as well until I experienced things that made me question what I had been told. I believed in the biblical explanations of the afterlife/spirits/demons, etc. and nothing else... rather than not believing in it I believed that any spiritual stuff not in the bible was "evil." I suspect the only reason why this stuff is banned in the Bible is because it would cause people to wake up and see the truth. It's really a personal thing that I don't expect other people to believe unless they come around on their own like I did. You see, real magick/energy work isn't like harry potter. There are no fancy lights/special effects, you don't have to use wands, (unless you want to, but it's not required) and magick cannot directly affect the physical world. (OK, you can technically affect the physical, but it is a very subtle thing and is done in a roundabout way) This energy mostly exists on a plane of existence above ours, though the planes do overlap somewhat. So no, you can't pick up a real, physical car with teleknesis and throw it, no matter how good you get. (though that would be really cool!) To see what you and other people are doing, you have to develop a higher form of "sight". If two people with this sight see the same thing, then there's something to all of this and it's not just a delusion. On the other hand, I've been reading the EXC forums for awhile and I know there are some wiccans/assorted pagans here who are into this stuff too. This all started when I had some stuff happen to me that I couldn't explain through other rational means. I began research into the paranormal/occult. Not long after this I "awakened" and I found out that I had the ability to do stuff with energy. (spending enough time around someone who is actively practicing tends to wake up dormant talent; anyone can do energy work if they learn how...we're not "special" or better than anyone else) I was/am pretty good too...after less than a year of intense study/practice I was able to go from being barely proficient at sensing energy to casting advanced shields and other complicated things. It helps to have a good one-on-one teacher too, and I do. I tell almost no one in my real-world friends/connections about this stuff BTW. That's why I've been deliberately ambiguous about my location in case someone I know stumbles across this at some point. Lots of pagan groups are still semi-secret in that they don't build churches or advertise like Xians do, so what I'm doing here is nothing out of the ordinary.

 

I was still technically Xian at this point, but by then I had a big chunk of paganism mixed in there. Xians believe that they are indwelt by the "Holy spirit" yet even though I had learned how to sense stuff around me I could never feel this HS anywhere. If it was so powerful, it shouldn't be able to hide so thoroughly. At that point, I realized that people who experienced mystical stuff at church were probably doing the work themselves without realizing it. See, if you want to do something badly enough, it will probably happen. People who do energy work know of things called constructs, which are little more than thoughts made solid. (solid as energy on a different plane of existence can get, anyway) This construct will then proceed to do whatever it was instructed to do when it was made. I know I'm getting into hard-ass magick here and don't want to wander off topic too much, but the point was that everything in Xianity had other explanations. This blows the minds of many Xians: when they pray, they are technically doing magic (which is evil according to them!) by using supernatural means to effect change in their lives. I also noticed that lots of energy used to build up in church during the worship service, so in a sense people were feeding god with their energy. That's when I left for good. These days, I can't set foot in a church without feeling oppressed...the environment in there is borderline toxic to me now. I can feel a closer connection to whatever gods there be by going out into nature. Meditating in a meadow or the woods and feeling interconnected life all around you gives a far more spiritual experience than any church can offer. Paganism is more about life whereas Xianity has this bizarre death/punishment obsession.

 

I'm officially agnostic now because I don't know if there's a god or not, but I'm still highly spiritual. Because of this, I can never be a full-blown athiest because they deny everything beyond the physical world when I know firsthand there's more to it than that.

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You were indoctrinated as a child with tenets of a rather dangerous religion - Christianity. Now that you are an adult capable of thinking and reasoning for yourself, be careful to to fill the void left from abandonment of Christian dogma with just another philosophical/metaphysical addiction.

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I get what you're saying, but not everyone who leaves Christianity goes straight into pure atheism or agnosticism. We all have to find our own path. There's even a whole sub-forum dedicated to people who have taken up some form of non-christian spirituality, so I'm hardly alone. Perhaps I should have posted this thread there instead because I went on at length about the mystical stuff. (mods can move it there if it seems out of place here) I wouldn't have gone on about it so much normally. I’m not exactly open about it if you were to meet me in real life, but it's a major part of my de-conversion story so I would feel like I left something out if I didn't include it.

 

From what I’ve seen, this site is quite diverse and you're going to find a little bit of everything. What I especially like about pagan stuff is that you can pick and choose what you want to focus on....you're not expected to swallow the entire doctrine whole like you do in Christianity. Lots of pagan traditions like to personify the various aspects of nature into the god/goddess, but it's not required to swap one god for another. In my case, I appreciate nature for what it is... an intricately complex system. I feel a connection to nature on a deep level, but I don't worship it. (or anything else for that matter)

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Thanks for your story. As a huge sci-fi and star wars fan, I like your Sith code analogy. I find it so fascinating how everyone's journey is similar, yet each has its own unique aspects. Welcome to the site.

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You've made many great points. Funny how so many people come up with similar answers over a period of years.

 

Christianity can be a trap and the powers-that-be in the churches wield power like they are all knowing beings themselves.

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The enemy of Christianity is knowlege, and reason DESTROYS faith.

 

You are absolutely right. This is often our ignorance that keep us in brainwashing. Because we have

spiritual needs and for a while what the bible says seem so true. Morever when it point out our world with

violence. It can be a cocoon. When a person is starting developing his crtical mind he can conclude that the bible is really dangerous and irrealistic.

Christians don't like when you think by your own and it explains that they answer with verses that

include fear like : "Satan is try to make you doubting", if you go away, you will loose your salvation....they

will try to control you with fear. This is the most challenging experience as soon as you go out of this christian world.

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will, welcome to EX-c! Thank you for sharing your story. I enjoyed and could relate. There are tons of 'healing' testimomies on the forum. Have fun reading and learning.

 

What ever makes you happy spiritually, go for it, as long as it dosen't hurt anyone and you receive peace from it.There is a whole section here on EX-c, dedicated to those who have chosen a certain new spiritual walk that makes them happy. Looking forward to reading more of your posts!

 

Best wishes on your new journey!!

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Welcome to ex-C! Sounds like you are headed in the right direction. Good on you. Be strong and healthy. Now you choose which beliefs to have, if any. Nobody dictates them to you with the threat of some evil fairy tail.

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will, welcome to EX-c! Thank you for sharing your story. I enjoyed and could relate. There are tons of 'healing' testimomies on the forum. Have fun reading and learning.

 

What ever makes you happy spiritually, go for it, as long as it dosen't hurt anyone and you receive peace from it.There is a whole section here on EX-c, dedicated to those who have chosen a certain new spiritual walk that makes them happy. Looking forward to reading more of your posts!

 

Best wishes on your new journey!!

 

Thanks!

 

Alternative spirituality can be nice because it's possible to compartmentalize your life around it. It doesn't take over your life and dictate your every thought like Christianity does. Most of the time these days I tend to think and act in a completely secular way, while at other times I have a very spiritual mindset. It really depends on what I'm doing at the time.

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