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No Christian is allowed to comment on this testimony, not even by paraphrasing it. Commenting on this testimony is an admission that you think most Christian doctrine is false and Jesus does not save you.

 

There, that should keep them out for a while. Sorry if this runs too long:

 

My childhood was okay. I had better luck than some. My dad would punish with a belt and that was socially acceptable back then. Far worse than that was the double binds where every possible path is wrong. I had to figure out the real rules on my own and there was a lot of deception. He would play mental games with us. Whenever he messed up he would blame one of us. And when I did get punished often it was the first time I had heard the deed in question was against the rules. At least he never hit my mom. I use to hate him for all that happened but now I realize my Grandparents were total monsters to him and my father really improved over how he was raised. So I’ve learned to accept and move on.

 

We were always close to my mom’s relatives. They all lived nearby and most of them were fundamentalist Bible’thumpin Christians, just like my mom. The few who were not would get the passive aggressive routine at all our gatherings. You know, because they were going to burn in hell forever. So as soon as I could talk my family was always telling me about how wonderful Cheese Us Rice is. It must have worked because when I was six and they took me to a Swaggart revival I wanted to sign up. That was the biggest mistake of my life. So I was a Christian for several years after that. At some point I rejected it all as silly and said I wouldn’t believe it without evidence. (I don’t remember my age but it had to be before I was a teen.) So they sent me to Bible camp. Back then Bible camp was kind of tame. Not like the scientific brainwashing we’ve seen in recent you tube clips. But there was a lot of emotional preaching and scary stories about people being bitten by demons so I rededicated my life to Jesus and from there on I was all in. I repeated the biggest mistake of my life.

 

My parents sent me to a fundamentalist high school. Sure enough, I became a good fundamentalist. I spent my teen years trying to suppress my natural instincts, looking for a USA vs. USSR nuclear war in Old Testament prophesy (hey, it had to be true!) and trying to not make any decision on my own as I “waited on God”. If the rain stopped when it was time for me to go out I saw that as an answer to prayer. Miracles and evidence of God were everywhere in my delusions. I was told that God had a wife, job and everything I needed all waiting for me and all I had to do was obey and wait on the Lord. These things were all suppose to come to me if I didn’t put any effort into finding them but studied the Bible and prayed every day. Well you guys can imagine how well that worked out. Plus reading the Bible always confused me. Back then I blamed myself. Something must have been wrong with me if I couldn’t understand the perfect wisdom of God’s word.

 

In my early twenties I went to church every service they had. I tuned down better jobs if they didn’t allow me to go the church at night. But something was very wrong. I had depression, shame, fear, anger, grudges, panic attacks and various other emotional problems in spades. I also used self-injury to control them. This didn’t match the protection by an all-powerful God of love and the Peace that passes all understanding that I had been promised. I assumed that it was my fault. Of course it had to be my fault. It couldn’t be God’s fault. Today I can’t tell how much of this was directly caused by Christianity but I do know Christianity couldn’t solve any of it.

 

For those of you unfamiliar with S.I. it might be hard to understand. It’s about feeling intense emotional pain that hurt so much that you want to stop it any way you could. Physical pain stops the emotional pain instantly. Physical pain hurts a lot less so it becomes a release. I never cut. I never felt the need nor wanted to cut. However I did have a high school buddy who cut. He took a razor to school and let us in on his secret. When I was 17 I thought he was doing it to impress us. I didn't have the guts to tell anybody my secret let alone show them. Now I know for him to do that in front of us at school his life must have sucked. I guess Christian fundamentalism wasn’t solving his problems either. I would only take a belt to my back or hit something solid with my fists or do knuckle push-ups on gravel. I’ve made a lot of progress. I have not used the belt in years. I’m getting to the point where I can control my emotions the right way. It was a lot of hard work. I’d thank God but I didn’t see Him do anything to help; is He even listening (or even real?).

 

Well despite my church’s best efforts I did eventually start dating. After a while I even got married. I didn't see God causing it to happen. Many years after college, the tools of logic and science that I had learned there came back to help me. Studying the Bible made my head hurt worse. Asking other Christians about the confusing parts made them very angry. I could tell their answers were not logical. After years of heated discussions and constantly being told by them that I am not a real Christian (I didn’t know it at the time but they were doing me a good deed) I realized the Bible is wrong. Suddenly it wasn’t a confusing or mysterious book anymore. It made perfect sense because it was just like all the other books of all the other human religions.

 

For a while I was a liberal Christian. I didn’t even know they really existed until I found I was one. Growing up I had been fed stories about how “liberal Christians” were just pretending and served the Devil . . . blah blah . . . none of that was true. But once I realized the Bible was the word of men my eyes were open to how much Christians oppress and persecute other people and how little justification Christians have for this. So in January of 2011 I called it quits. Christians don’t have the truth but spread so much misinformation. I couldn’t be part of such hate and the deception anymore.

 

The reason Christianity was my biggest mistake is that it was such a pathetic waste. Every minute I spent in church or praying was a minute I could have spent doing something worthwhile. Every minute I spent studding the Bible or Christian doctrine was a minute I could have studied something useful. I was trained to not make my own choices. I was trained to not invest in my own life. Instead of making friends I rejected anybody who wasn’t attending an approved church. I was fooled into thinking that productivity was the evil sin of mammon and contrary to the love of God. Most of my life was wasted worrying about following Christian rules to the exclusion of everything else. It was a massive black hole of waste and I can never get those decades back. I volunteered for all of it so that choice is on me. I take responsibility because with that comes the power to make better choices today.

 

 

I want to thank ex-C and all it’s members for being here. It gives me one place where I can go where I don’t have to pretend I am still a Christian.

 

 

MM

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Thank you for sharing your story, MM. You were in a different tradition of Christianity than I was but in a broad general sense I can identify with you--the deep identification with very conservative religion, then becoming more liberal in an effort to better understand the professed beliefs. And eventually coming to a point where you still think there might be "something out there," but certainly not the traditional God of Abraham.

 

It was slightly different at this stage for me, in that I didn't know about deism or the "deist god," if that is what it's called. But I "experimented" with a lot of different versions of "god," believing all of them were aspects of the God of Abraham.

 

Congratulations, MM, for coming out of religion. All the best in the coming days, weeks, months, and years. Be assured that Christians are forbidden to post in this thread. Or anywhere in the Testimonies section.

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"Something must have been wrong with me if I couldn’t understand the perfect wisdom of God’s word."

 

That's how I felt, too, when the fundy kids (in The Way cult) tried to recruit me. I just couldn't bring myself to actually believe what they were trying to convince me of. But, they were happy, they said, and they trotted out several tales of contemporary miracles (all third-hand) that they said were true. And Christians never lie, right? So, it had to be my fault that I couldn't accept "the Good News" "into my heart." I most have been too ignorant and stubborn.

 

So, I set out to remedy that by studying the Bible and its history — from all sources, not just apologists — intensely. Short story even shorter: Not even mid-way through an elective course on the History of the Bible during my freshman year in college, I had become an atheist. Hallelujah!

 

Any way, Welcome! I hope you enjoy this website as much as I do.

 

Also, kudos for the disclaimer at the top of your post. (Obviously, you've been in the Lion's Den where our resident Christian guests show their true colors.)

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Christianity actually helped me. Fundamentalism never helped me. Fundamentalism fucked my head until I was 18. At 18, I had some religious experiences that drove me to study love, in the Bible.

 

I found the love that i needed, and was able to love myself, after personal soul search, and Bible study. I realize that I am not the norm. 28 years later I have grown out of Christianity. I am still a theist by choice.

 

I too can see where Christianity stifled my growth in many areas. The big thing was separating myself from the "world". I never really bonded well with others. Still at 46 I only have one real friend..........my wife. The Christian religion is all about alienation. Sectarianism alienates Christians from each other. The love of humanity is squashed with "sin consciousness". That is where my deconversion may have started. If there is one thing that the "Way" cult taught well, it was "sonship". Knowing that you were made worthy in Christ.

 

Had to grow out of "worthy in Christ" to worthy as a human. It bugs the snot out of me when people put down humanity. The put down of humanity starts with the "all sinners" doctrine. Nasty little doctrine.

 

Anyways MBM............thanks for sharing.

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Thank you for sharing your story, MM. Talking about SI is not easy for me, kind of like a dirty little secret. I would do it to punish myself. I would deprive myself of food- sometimes I still do, even though I am naturally thin. It's not about being thin, for me- it's about purifying myself. Chrisitanity brought it into my life- the whole concept of fasting. I was 15 the first time I fasted. It was intoxicating- the deprivation made me feel so close to god, so clean, so holy, so pure. The church encouraged me to do it- they were doing an entire-church fast. It's been a part of my lifestyle for so long, that the only way I can deal with it is to eat whatever I want, whenever I want. And full-fat, full-salt, everything. So I appreciate that it probably was not easy to share your extimony- I've been sitting here for half an hour trying to write this much. But thank you for telling it- it definitely means something to me.

 

Pudd

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Hello MM and thank you for sharing. I understand so well what you say.

 

Good things happened to me moreover when I left all this brainwashing. All depends HOW a person interpret a situation : if the person believes in the bible he will interpret according the bible, if a person is not a believer he will say that good and bad things happen to everyone whatever is your belief, race, religion...That's why I realized that thinking that God was causing everything had no sense. I really feel so better since he is not in my life anymore. How could I believe to someone which is no caring, and a big liar ???i dont know, but probably because I really scare hell and I also was very perfectionnist.

How can we think he is good when we see all these poor people starving in poor country, all these poor "followers of Jesus" which are so disappointed but continue to expect him ??? if the salvation was something so important, why does God do not show his goodness ? but he doesnt. Thomas was probably the most intelligent disciple because he didnt believe like others in Jesus and his resurrection. But look how Jesus rebuked him....why is it a sin for asking proof ? it looks how Jesus was an evil person and not the good shepherd that the bible is teaching....

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Thank you for sharing, MM. I too can relate to self injuring. I didn't do it a lot, but in my most desperate times of depression I would scratch myself really hard or bang my had on the wall just to make the emotional pain go away. A lot of this emotional pain had to do with not being good enough, the teaching that we are all no better than filthy rags really hit home for me :( And like you, I feel like I have wasted so much time and emotional energy to nothing. I am so glad we all have each other because I can't let anyone know where I am either. At least I can let it all out here.

 

hugs

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  • Moderator

 

 

 

I repeated the biggest mistake of my life.

 

I couldn’t be part of such hate and the deception anymore.

 

The reason Christianity was my biggest mistake is that it was such a pathetic waste. Every minute I spent in church or praying was a minute I could have spent doing something worthwhile. Every minute I spent studding the Bible or Christian doctrine was a minute I could have studied something useful. I was trained to not make my own choices. I was trained to not invest in my own life. Instead of making friends I rejected anybody who wasn’t attending an approved church. I was fooled into thinking that productivity was the evil sin of mammon and contrary to the love of God. Most of my life was wasted worrying about following Christian rules to the exclusion of everything else. It was a massive black hole of waste and I can never get those decades back. I volunteered for all of it so that choice is on me. I take responsibility because with that comes the power to make better choices today.

 

 

I want to thank ex-C and all it’s members for being here. It gives me one place where I can go where I don’t have to pretend I am still a Christian.

 

 

MM

 

MM, thank you so much for sharing your story. If you have read any of my posts - you know I can relate. I did not injure myself in the way some people cut themselves - I just stayed depressed, which led to drinking and eating myself up to a very large number on the scale. The only time I was really happy was when I was at the high emotional services.

 

When I first came to the lord very young..... I was so 'primed' for this 'magical god' who would take such care of me - all I had to do was 'his' will, read the bible, go to church, trust his promises, blah, blah, blah... and all my dreams would come true!! I was young, innocent, naive' and ready for my life to change for the better. I was putty in their hands. Did I waste time all those years trying to do 'his' will?....you bet your sweet ass I did!!

 

This is basically what they promised me the night I got 'saved'......Who wouldn't go for this?? It sounded like a dream come true!

 

''Margee, You have been 'called' .....you are special..... god has big plans for your life! God now has a perfect divine plan and destiny set up for your life – and He will now be the 'One' to guide you every step of the way into the fulfillment of that divine plan! You are now operating on a different playing field! It is all 'spiritual'! (magical! Ridigwoopsie.gifWendymagic.gif )

 

Now that you have received him and have made a complete and full surrender of your entire life over to God the Father – He is now in complete and total charge of your life! When you make this full surrender with God, it is now His job to take full and complete care of you in every detail of your life – including finding the next new job, spouse, house, etc... that He will want you to move into.

 

There is not an area or detail in your life that God will not be willing to help you out with – no matter how small or trivial you think it may be. The Holy Spirit is called “the Helper” in the Bible. It is now His job to help you in every single area of your life where you will need His help.

Here is what you will really need to ground on in your own personal walk with the Lord. Now that you will be walking in God’s perfect will for your life – God will now be the One to fully guide you into whatever He will want you to have from here on in. The choice is no longer yours!Remember – God already has your life set up and planned out for you. All you have to do is simply obey his will and wait for His timing to bring it to you!

 

Your job is to now live each day to its fullest, always trying to do the best at whatever God will be calling you to do for Him on that particular day. If you can learn how to keep this kind of mindset, you will be less likely to throw pity parties when things do not go the way you think they should''.

 

WHAT A PILE OF BULLSHIT I BELIEVED ALL THOSE YEARS!!

Very best to you my friend!

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Hi MM!

Thanks for sharing. I can really relate, particularly about

  • not being able to have unsaved or wrong-church friends,
  • waiting instead of doing (sometimes to great peril), and
  • the horror of realizing you have become a liberal Christian.

I'm glad you are moving on with your life and not letting it steal any more of your good years!

 

Peace.

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Thanks so much for sharing your story, MM. I read it and the replies w/tears in my eyes. I'm sorry for the pain you and others have endured.

 

I also have struggled with S.I. I never told anyone about it until just a month or so ago when I told my husband. In fact, I never thought until this moment that what I was doing was actually S.I. I'd heard of it, but I thought it was just about cutting. I've only had 2 incidents of cutting - one a couple of years ago and one more recently. Both incidents were brought on by intense depression and hopelessness caused by my feelings of being abandoned by God. I understand now that my mind was just coming "unglued" as I tried desperately to hold on to my belief system.

 

But as I read these comments I realized I've used other forms of S.I. since I was a teenager. That's when all the depression and anxiety began for me. It started when I got sick w/food poisoning. That was just a trigger that unlocked a whole world of junk I'd been stuffing and not dealing with. I went without eating a lot and remember liking the feeling of "starving". And when I'd feel anxious I'd pinch myself really hard or dig my nails into my skin. It somehow made me feel more in control. I can't believe I never recognized that as S.I. Thankfully (and somewhat ironically) ever since I've allowed my mind to stop fighting and to concede that God wasn't there, the depression has lifted almost completely and the desire to cut is totally gone. It's only been a couple of months for me, I know the other stuff will get better with time. I've decided this coming year is all about healing for me...physically, emotionally and spiritually...just listening to myself and doing things to get better.

 

Thanks to all of you for your openness and vulnerability. I really don't know what I'd do without this site.

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Thank you to everyone for your thoughts. Again I thank ex-C for giving me one place where I don't have to pretend.

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Thank you for sharing this. I too am an ex s.i. "er I did cut. My arms are so full of scars I had to cut on top of old scars. For me it was an emotional release. The stress built up and I had no way to let it out. To do so would get me called sinner. I stopped when I learned better coping skills, and no longer wear long sleeves. (I live in Florida) and I don't care about the stares. You know, as others here do, that it is so misunderstood to s.i., so it was brave for you to tell us. I am happy that you broke free of religion, and that you no longer have to s.i. There seems to be several of us here and that helps me too. Thank you for sharing your story. wub.png

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Hearing your story just adds to the knowledge base of people who have experienced the passive/agressive nature of Christian followers. It solidifies my feeling that the more people get involved in any religion, i.e., the higher up in the church hierarchy they are, the more likely that person is an aggressive control freak using his "faith" to couch his nature with the cover of "helping". You don't want help, why then you're going to hell! ......Right...... In the secular world that same person would be a control freak just outright telling people to go to hell. Same kind of person. One is just more out in the open.

 

Thanks for sharing.

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Today I can’t tell how much of this was directly caused by Christianity but I do know Christianity couldn’t solve any of it....

 

The reason Christianity was my biggest mistake is that it was such a pathetic waste. Every minute I spent in church or praying was a minute I could have spent doing something worthwhile. Every minute I spent studding the Bible or Christian doctrine was a minute I could have studied something useful. I was trained to not make my own choices.....

 

It took me many years to conclude this too.The effects of biblical Christianity provide no solutions to people's problems, but adds to self-doubt and irresponsibility. Christianity can't be the solution when it's part of the problem.

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Hi

 

Thanks for sharing. I can relate to your story also. I can see that Christianity has had a major impact on your life - for the negative. I myself had to walk a long road with Christianity. It took me 2 years to make the final decision to call myself not a Christian anymore, and by that time I was a wreck. It was one of the hardest things I did in my life - because you have to challenge everything you believed in from youth - and you also have to use your own intellect to make a decision.

 

I wish you all the best with this new road you are on. I have been a ex-christian now for 3 years and I still find it hard sometimes, because the pre-programming from my childhood always kicks in. But I can honestly say that I am a more stable and compassionate person.

 

Cheers.

 

Herman Annandale ( New Zealand )

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The reason Christianity was my biggest mistake is that it was such a pathetic waste. Every minute I spent in church or praying was a minute I could have spent doing something worthwhile. Every minute I spent studding the Bible or Christian doctrine was a minute I could have studied something useful. I was trained to not make my own choices. I was trained to not invest in my own life. Instead of making friends I rejected anybody who wasn’t attending an approved church. I was fooled into thinking that productivity was the evil sin of mammon and contrary to the love of God. Most of my life was wasted worrying about following Christian rules to the exclusion of everything else. It was a massive black hole of waste and I can never get those decades back. I volunteered for all of it so that choice is on me. I take responsibility because with that comes the power to make better choices today.

 

Reading your post and other posts on this thread as well remind me how lucky I really am to have woken up sooner than a lot of people do. Even though I feel like I've wasted my 20's on all this Christianity shit that didn't do anything but drive me crazy and mess up my life, I can be grateful that I woke up before I enter my 30's and waste another decade.

 

As I said in another thread, one of the most dangerous things Christianity teaches is to "wait upon the Lord". So many people have been in terrible situations where they waited on "the Lord" to fix things only for "the Lord" to do absolutely nothing and then it becomes too late to do anything about it. I learned that instead of wasting time praying and reading the bible and going to church, I need to spend that time being pro-active and do everything I can do to improve my life because no "God" is going to do it for me. Sad realization but it's true.

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Thank you for sharing.

 

I was a cutter and can empathize with your testimony a great deal. Thank you for being brave and seeking your own truth. When I broke free of religion, I felt as though I was free of a drug, one that was making me sick, and miserable and hate myself.

 

Blessings.

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Check out this video on Youtube.com of a child preacher called Marjoe who exposed the christians

OMG, this makes me sick! Wendytwitch.gif

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