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What's Your Favorite Christian Urban Legend?


Thought2Much

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Some scientists at NASA did some calculations of the locations of the planets and the sun for the past and discovered that their calculations were one day off. Then someone in the team remembered the story in the Bible when God stopped the sun for one day.

 

I remember that one, too. And yes, it was reported as truth. How inane!

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Ouija boards and peace signs - I heard those ones a lot when I was growing up.

 

How about this one? A missionary in Africa was having trouble converting the natives because he couldn't convince them how much jeezus had suffered on the cross. You see, they had no nails, and thus couldn't comprehend what a puncture wound would be like. Then one day he was opening a can of mandarin oranges or some such (because the one thing you really need in the jungle is a good supply of canned fruit), and - it was a miracle - there in the bottom of the can was a nail. So the missionary took it an ran excitedly to the cheif, who took the nail and plunged it into his own flesh (because, of course, the first thing you'd do with a nail if you'd never seen one would be stab yourself with it) and his eyese were opened. He instantly accepted jeezus and commanded the rest of the village to do the same (which of course they did, because one of the core principles of belief is that you'll believe with all your heart whatever you're told to believe).

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Oh! I just remembered! I got a lovely letter from my biological mother yesterday (wouldn't be Christmas without the pre-Christmas guilt trip for failing to contact her! Not that I will. You'd think a decade of silence would be enough to indicate I'm not interested in having anything to do with the woman.). Here I quote verbatim from her letter:

 

"Speaking of space, did you know that NASA and Russian space programmes actually prove God? Isaiah 40:12 tell:

 

Who hath measured the waters in the hollow of His hand, and meted (measured) out heaven with the span (1/2 cubit, 9 inches) and comprehended (calculated) the dust of the earth in a measure, and weighed the mountains in scales, and the hill in a balance?

 

A normal school ruler is 12 inches. There are 39 inches in 1 metre, so that 9 inches is just under a quarter quarter of a metre. So that, if the heavens had not been precisely measured out by God, no astronaut or rocket ship or anything else could be brought safely back to Earth. They could be sent out, possibly forever until the disintegrated, melted, or were poisoned by gases. Awesome isn't it?

 

I have a concern with the reference to the calculation of the dust, because of the amount that is being mined. To me, too much is being taken out of the earth, not only by mining but also by construction. One expert said that Sydney has weakened its foundations by the amount that has been hollowed out and still construction companies keep digging! A friend sent me an email regarding an open-cut diamond mine in Siberia that no plane is able to fly over and I am told that we have bigger mines in WA (my edit: Western Australia). greed and stupidity go hand in hand and we all suffer as a consequence."

 

 

...Where do you even begin with that shit?

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*wants to drill a hole into his head to let the stupid out*

 

Whoever wrote that letter was not just a morontheist but a total babbling braindead idiot. That so doesn't make any sense... :crazy:

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*wants to drill a hole into his head to let the stupid out*

 

Whoever wrote that letter was not just a morontheist but a total babbling braindead idiot. That so doesn't make any sense... Wendycrazy.gif

 

The letter writer was my darling biological mother. I stopped bothering to have anything to do with her long ago. I gave up all hope of a relationship the day she declared that she was "perfect". How I managed to end up with any original thought process, I don't know. If she was drug-fucked, it would make a little sense, but she never touched a drug or a single drop of alcohol. Oh, you know why she wouldn't microchip her cat? Because apparently the cat could get a computer virus from the microchip. How the fuck did I emerge from that womb without 3 heads??!!

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As a kid growing up in IFB xtian school, we were forced to watch the "dangers of rock n roll" video almost every year. Back-masking, satanic bible, [K]idds nn atan's ervice, etc. Ironically enough it was this video that helped along my deconversion process once the I realized what a load of bat-shit craziness it was thanks to my secular education and learning to think for myself.

 

 

Oh yeah, the Xtian urban legends demonizing secular rock/pop music!

 

When I was in high school there was a kid who brought a book about it in class. It was written by a priest or something and he "showed" how virtually every pop/rock star were secret Satanists. LOL. The story about Hotel California being a Satanist song was in the book.

 

I have never heard this about KISS's name, though I heard something about AC/DC's name. I don't remember what the "AC" was supposed to mean (perhaps Antichrist?), but I remember the "DC" was supposed to mean "Die Christ".

 

Ah and YouTube is full of videos "proving" how everyone in popular music is a secret freemason/illuminati/satanist - they based this on hand signs and album covers etc. LOL.

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Rock Music: The Devil's Advocate: http://www.av1611.org/rock.html

 

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The song "Stairway to Heaven" by the group Led Zeppelin is the most popular song in rock history. One line of the song, says, "you know sometimes words have TWO MEANINGS." They should know — the song is drenched in satanic backmasking! One part when played forward, says: "Yes, their are two paths you can go by, but in the long run there's still time to change the road you're on." But when played backwards, you clearly hear: "IT'S MY SWEET SATAN . . . Oh I will sing because I live with Satan." This is the number one song in rock history! Just a coincidence — not hardly! Jimmy Page of Led Zeppelin is a devout follower of satanist, Aliester Crowley. One of Crowley's satanic teachings, learn to cast unsuspecting spells on people by saying them backwards! Zeppelin's song "Houses of the Holy", they sing, "Let the music be YOUR MASTER/ Will you heed the master's call/ Oh, Satan . . ."

 

One of the top songs of the 70's was "Hotel California" by the Eagles. Most people have no idea the song refers to the Church of Satan, which happens to be located in a converted HOTEL on CALIFORNIA street! On the inside of the album cover, looking down on the festivities, is Anton Lavey, the founder of the Church of Satan and author of the Satanic Bible! People say, the Eagles aren't serious, they're just selling records. That's what you think! The Eagles manager, Larry Salter, admitted in the Waco Tribune-Herald, (Feb. 28, 1982) that the Eagles were involved with the Church of Satan! Not surprisingly, one of the Eagles's songs is titled "Have A Good Day in Hell."

 

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Anyone ever watch the "documentary" Hells Bells: The Dangers of Rocknroll? Everything from Megadeth to Whitney Houston was deemed satanic.

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A friend of mine claims his uncle was a monk who had become quite lonely. He earnestly prayed and when he opened his eyes there was a woman sucking his dick. I believe my friend. He had no reason to lie to me. We were discussing the weather when he told me this and he had nothing to prove.

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I don't doubt your friend's story, but with so many men out there praying for magical blowjobs, why does the Lord provide hot lip action for him and deny countless others who pray for the same thing?

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I don't doubt your friend's story, but with so many men out there praying for magical blowjobs, why does the Lord provide hot lip action for him and deny countless others who pray for the same thing?

He was a righteous man.

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Surely a fair and loving God doesn't only give mystic fellacio to the righteous! Did not Jay-Hova once say "Just because you got good head I'm a break bread so you can be living it up?"

 

Amen.

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Ouija boards and peace signs - I heard those ones a lot when I was growing up.

 

How about this one? A missionary in Africa was having trouble converting the natives because he couldn't convince them how much jeezus had suffered on the cross. You see, they had no nails, and thus couldn't comprehend what a puncture wound would be like. Then one day he was opening a can of mandarin oranges or some such (because the one thing you really need in the jungle is a good supply of canned fruit), and - it was a miracle - there in the bottom of the can was a nail. So the missionary took it an ran excitedly to the cheif, who took the nail and plunged it into his own flesh (because, of course, the first thing you'd do with a nail if you'd never seen one would be stab yourself with it) and his eyese were opened. He instantly accepted jeezus and commanded the rest of the village to do the same (which of course they did, because one of the core principles of belief is that you'll believe with all your heart whatever you're told to believe).

I've never heard this one before. Good one!

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...Yep, i experienced this one too. I was only allowed to listen to jazz and classical music growing up, and the exception to the rule were musicals such as The Fiddler On The Roof, Hello Dolly, and shit like the Sound of Music. Dancing was also strictly forbidden, as it encourages sex, apparently.

That's funny. Our church made the outrageous claim that classical music was worldly and satanic, but they were okay with rock-style worship songs. What got my questioning the truth of the pastor's claim was when I recognized the melody in one of the worship songs as identical, at least 5-10 measures, to Finlandia by Sibelius (such a beautiful piece, no wonder people felt that song beings so pretty).

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A friend of mine claims his uncle was a monk who had become quite lonely. He earnestly prayed and when he opened his eyes there was a woman sucking his dick. I believe my friend. He had no reason to lie to me. We were discussing the weather when he told me this and he had nothing to prove.

You, sir, have just made my day with that.

 

I went to a Seventh Day Adventist high school, and we had our share of anecdotes and religious advice.

 

Male and female students were never allowed to hug regardless of their circumstances - it leads to other things. I remember hugging a girl because she was feeling pretty down about life and one of the teachers came and broke us up. As you can imagine, a school like that had interesting ball nights.

 

Or there's the story of the demon-possessed bedroom. A kid was into Harry Potter or some equally vile vessel of Satan, and a minister came in and exorcised the place. Soon after, you could hear footsteps and the door closing, and the place felt so much more peaceful afterwards.

 

Or the missionary on a boat. The seas were too foggy to see 10 metres ahead and they knew they were getting close to land. The missionary went into the captain's cabin and prayed for safe voyage. When he was done, the captain prayed too, but the missionary stopped him: "Number one - you're not a believer, you don't need to pray. Number two - the fog has lifted." And no word of a lie (yuhuh....), they emerged back on deck and the fog had cleared up. Praise Jebus!

 

Swearing, did you know, is also a form of blasphemy. Oh shit....

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I talked to someone online who claimed he got gold fillings and gold dust was raining down during the service. I was still Christian at the time, but I expressed skepticism at the story and this person totally tore into me. If he got magical gold fillings, couldn't God have also given him some gentleness and self control while he was at it?

Why wouldn't "God" replace old fillings with enamel?

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I talked to someone online who claimed he got gold fillings and gold dust was raining down during the service. I was still Christian at the time, but I expressed skepticism at the story and this person totally tore into me. If he got magical gold fillings, couldn't God have also given him some gentleness and self control while he was at it?

Why wouldn't "God" replace old fillings with enamel?

That was the first thing that came to my mind whenever someone would start claiming they got gold fillings from God. Christians really hate when you ask them things like that. Or they just answer with "Well, God is mysterious, his ways aren't our ways, yaddah, yaddah, yaddah."

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I talked to someone online who claimed he got gold fillings and gold dust was raining down during the service. I was still Christian at the time, but I expressed skepticism at the story and this person totally tore into me. If he got magical gold fillings, couldn't God have also given him some gentleness and self control while he was at it?

Why wouldn't "God" replace old fillings with enamel?

This reminds me of a story from the first church I belonged to. in the beginning of service, we had a "witness" time when anyone who had anything awesome to tell about God could go up and talk. So this morning, a lady went up. She had been in the hospital for a broken arm in the past week. She told us that while she was in hospital, waiting to get the cast, she had a chance to talk someone who was not a believer and could tell her about Jesus. So, of course this must've been God's work. God put her in the hospital so she could witness. There were some meaning to the random event of her falling and breaking her arm.

 

I just couldn't get out of my head why God had to break her arm to get her to the hospital to witness to this person. Why couldn't God just give her an apparition of an angel commanding her to go there? I still find it strange that God would have to go through all that trouble. He can trip someone up so they fall and break an arm and time it so perfectly so the person will go to the hospital in exact time to witness to someone, but he can't just tell her...

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I talked to someone online who claimed he got gold fillings and gold dust was raining down during the service. I was still Christian at the time, but I expressed skepticism at the story and this person totally tore into me. If he got magical gold fillings, couldn't God have also given him some gentleness and self control while he was at it?

Why wouldn't "God" replace old fillings with enamel?

That was the first thing that came to my mind whenever someone would start claiming they got gold fillings from God. Christians really hate when you ask them things like that. Or they just answer with "Well, God is mysterious, his ways aren't our ways, yaddah, yaddah, yaddah."

What they should do is to remove the fillings, sell the gold, and then come back for more. It's a business. Yay! But it wouldn't work because they most likely would discover the filling to be some cheap stuff God put in temporary. He doesn't want them to profit from it, does he?

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I don't know if this stems from Christianity or from general stupidity but the one that concerns me is that people aren't getting their kids vaccinated. They may end up bringing on the prophesied pestilence in Revelation.

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The Church of God (Anderson) I was dragged to as a kid insisted that Catholic churches were stockpiling guns in their basements. By having so many kids due to their ban on birth control, they would soon take us over. No shit, I heard that many times.

 

Due to unfortunate geography I spent my first grade year at a Catholic school. I had looked in the basement of the church and couldn't recall seeing any guns. I just kept my mouth shut.

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The Church of God (Anderson) I was dragged to as a kid insisted that Catholic churches were stockpiling guns in their basements. By having so many kids due to their ban on birth control, they would soon take us over. No shit, I heard that many times.

 

Due to unfortunate geography I spent my first grade year at a Catholic school. I had looked in the basement of the church and couldn't recall seeing any guns. I just kept my mouth shut.

Actually, I think you just didn't manage to find the other basement, the doorway of which was behind the bookcase.

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I've heard several different versions of these stories:

 

Being "translated": A minister goes to another country to do ministry. The people there tell him that he's been there before, at a particular time, just when they needed him. While he was there, he prayed for someone and they were healed or something. But the minister is shocked b/c at that particular time he was still back at home. But it all adds up b/c at that time, he was led to pray for the people in that country. Amazing!

 

Tongues being used to "preach the gospel": Someone goes to another country and speaks in tongues during some meeting. The natives hear the person in their own native language and are saved b/c of the miracle! Woohoo!

 

Variation on "translation": Ministers are on their way driving to an engagement and get there in a miraculously short amount of time. It's a miracle!

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You, sir, have just made my day with that.

I enjoyed your post also Inqui. Welcome to ex-C. smile.png

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My racist baptist uncle told me one when I was a kid. He said Noah's son Ham was the first black man and that all of Africa and all blacks are cursed because their ancestor looked upon his father's nakedness.

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