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I Feel So Empty And Numb Now


TotalWreck
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As some of you may have read in some of my other posts, it was only recently I gave up Christianity because it was almost like a cruel joke - all these promises of God saving me if I did this and that only to have nothing happen. I was a nervous wreck most of the time, trying to figure out what I was doing wrong that God was ignoring me. But no matter what, I always had that feeling of hope, until the very end when I decided I could take no more.

 

Now that I've been out, I must say that all the anxiety and stress is gone. However, now all I feel is emptiness inside and I feel kind of numb, like nothing really matters anymore. It's like I don't feel anything really, just bleak. So on one hand I do have a sense of calm in my life now, but on the other hand, my motivation and passion for life is just gone. I don't know which is worse - feeling nothing but having calm in my life or being a nervous wreck all the time but feeling something even if it wasn't a good feeling. At least when I had "God" in my life there was always hope, but since I've realized there's no magician in the sky that might possibly help me out someday, I feel like life is meaningless.

 

I've always delt with depression, but since losing my faith, it's really gotten bad (I am on medication again and it helps, but it only does so much). I've given up on all of my hopes and dreams and now I just spend my time staring off into space wondering what the point of life is...unsure.png

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As some of you may have read in some of my other posts, it was only recently I gave up Christianity because it was almost like a cruel joke - all these promises of God saving me if I did this and that only to have nothing happen. I was a nervous wreck most of the time, trying to figure out what I was doing wrong that God was ignoring me. But no matter what, I always had that feeling of hope, until the very end when I decided I could take no more.

 

Now that I've been out, I must say that all the anxiety and stress is gone. However, now all I feel is emptiness inside and I feel kind of numb, like nothing really matters anymore. It's like I don't feel anything really, just bleak. So on one hand I do have a sense of calm in my life now, but on the other hand, my motivation and passion for life is just gone. I don't know which is worse - feeling nothing but having calm in my life or being a nervous wreck all the time but feeling something even if it wasn't a good feeling. At least when I had "God" in my life there was always hope, but since I've realized there's no magician in the sky that might possibly help me out someday, I feel like life is meaningless.

 

I've always delt with depression, but since losing my faith, it's really gotten bad (I am on medication again and it helps, but it only does so much). I've given up on all of my hopes and dreams and now I just spend my time staring off into space wondering what the point of life is...unsure.png

 

It use to be that you allowed other men to decide your values for you.

 

Now you are in a state of freedom where you have to decide what is meaningful to you. Take a breath. Decide for yourself what you want the point of life to be. Yeah it's a scary new world where you think for yourself. You are going to do things you never did before and it will feel strange. But in time you will get use to it. It will start to feel normal. I left Christianity eleven months ago and I tell you it was very hard for a while. Posting here has been therapeutic for me. Maybe you have to find what works for you. Give it time. Be strong.

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It sounds like you're going through one of my final battles before leaving Christianity. I went from feeling like I had something grand to live for to being an infinitely small blot in the scheme of the universe, and the transition did more to myself than I thought it would. A few folks in my observations thread had a things to say to that:

 

also purpose is simply a perception so your purpose is what you make of it, we dont haft to just assume we are meningless we can asume ourselves better.

 

 

Your life is not meaningless now. In fact, I have found more meaning within my own life now, since leaving the fold. I have found more energy to commit to the things I am truly passionate about, without waiting for God to intervene. If anything, leaving christianity was the most empowering thing I have ever done, because I am now free to be myself, warts and all. Of course, I still have some hang-ups, which I am working through. But they are a mere fraction of the hang-ups I used to have. I am excited about life and all its possibilities for me now. And I find it really ironic that I behave in a more ethical and moral manner than when I was a christian, simply because I answer to myself now, and I have to be more honest with myself.

 

The point is that it's your life and you're only accountable to yourself. Be your own person, find your own answers, and since there's nothing you can do about the nature of your existence the best thing you can possibly do is try to enjoy life. Remember that God's a comedian whose audience is afraid to laugh.

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The meaning and purpose of life is to live it to its fullest. As a Christian, you thought god gave you purpose and meaning (as did I). But what neither of us knew then was that this non-existent god gave us nothing. The meaning we found was within us and, here's the good news, it did not go away with that false religion you have so wisely rejected. It is still there waiting for you to reclaim it.

 

It will take time, but the time will be worth it in the long run.

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The meaning and purpose of life is to live it to its fullest. As a Christian, you thought god gave you purpose and meaning (as did I). But what neither of us knew then was that this non-existent god gave us nothing. The meaning we found was within us and, here's the good news, it did not go away with that false religion you have so wisely rejected. It is still there waiting for you to reclaim it.

 

It will take time, but the time will be worth it in the long run.

 

I know you're right about the meaning of life is to live it to it's fullest, it's just that having everything I've ever believed in taken away from me has left me feeling hallow. I've been through so much these last three years and losing my faith has been the final straw.

 

I've always been a strong person, but even the strongest person has their limit. I just don't even know where to begin.

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The meaning and purpose of life is to live it to its fullest. As a Christian, you thought god gave you purpose and meaning (as did I). But what neither of us knew then was that this non-existent god gave us nothing. The meaning we found was within us and, here's the good news, it did not go away with that false religion you have so wisely rejected. It is still there waiting for you to reclaim it.

 

It will take time, but the time will be worth it in the long run.

 

I know you're right about the meaning of life is to live it to it's fullest, it's just that having everything I've ever believed in taken away from me has left me feeling hallow. I've been through so much these last three years and losing my faith has been the final straw.

 

I've always been a strong person, but even the strongest person has their limit. I just don't even know where to begin.

 

If you think about it - not quite everything was taken away. You still have yourself. Every bad time in your life you had yourself to get you through. All those times you were praying it was a placebo. You were the one getting yourself through. You just didn't realize the truth. You were there the whole time taking care of yourself. That inner voice. It was you. Now you are able to see more of what was really going on. Now you are ready to see a bigger picture. Yeah you feel crummy right now but it will get better.

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This feeling of apathy and bleakness will pass (though it may come back sometimes as well) as you learn to enjoy what is there, as opposed to what isn't. However, this will more than likely happen, as nothing lasts forever. I would say music helps me most when i'm depressed and feeling like nothing, it is good to just listen to the radio, or soul-songs when you're not feeling much. Just to get lost in the music, and just let yourself drift away.

 

Personally i am still a nervous wreck, although it get's a little bit more manageable at times. I suspect you will be ok, i just would advise you to take advantage of any therapy you can get or that is offered, it is invaluable, especially at a younger age, when you can get medical coverage through the state through your parents, which can really help, since good therapy can be a lot.

 

Life being inherently meaningless can be very depressing at first, however, there's a lot more adventure to life if your road isn't mapped out for you. Not to mention you are free to make mistakes and find your own path, without constant repentance or guilt induced self-repression. You can be you, and i think meaning that you find, or create, will usually be more fulfilling than living for a god, as long as you have people who you can live and love with. Although, this is just my opinion, of course

 

Welcome to the site,

Fallout

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Yep, been there as well. Depression...the feeling that my life has no meaning. It sucks to go from feeling like you have an important role in some cosmic drama between good and evil to being 1 of 7 billion people who really isn't so special after all.

 

i was a 29 year old single virgin, so i filled the numb void with lots and lots of hedonistic carnal pleasures. Of course, that is also shallow after awhile, but it got me through to where i could make my own meaning and find things i could become passionate about.

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The meaning and purpose of life is to live it to its fullest. As a Christian, you thought god gave you purpose and meaning (as did I). But what neither of us knew then was that this non-existent god gave us nothing. The meaning we found was within us and, here's the good news, it did not go away with that false religion you have so wisely rejected. It is still there waiting for you to reclaim it.

 

It will take time, but the time will be worth it in the long run.

 

I know you're right about the meaning of life is to live it to it's fullest, it's just that having everything I've ever believed in taken away from me has left me feeling hallow. I've been through so much these last three years and losing my faith has been the final straw.

 

I've always been a strong person, but even the strongest person has their limit. I just don't even know where to begin.

 

I know this is a poor analogy, but I'll use it since I can't think of a better one. I remember teaching my daughter to ride a bicycle. You know the drill. We took the training wheels off but she wanted them left on. I encouraged her by telling her that riding a bicycle is much more fun without the training wheels. She reluctantly agreed, so off they came. Then as she sat on her bicycle, I held the bike up and pushed her as she pedaled and steered. She pleaded with me not to let go because she was so sure she couldn't possibly ride that two-wheeled vehicle without my assistance. Once I helped her to stop, I told her something that greatly surprised her. I told her that even though she didn't know it, for much of the time while she thought I was "pushing" her and preventing her from falling over I was only running along beside her and that she had actually ridden the bicycle on her own. I'll never forget the surprised look on her face when she realized that she had actually ridden the bicycle on her own, though she had not known it. After that, it was just a little more practice with me running along beside her and she had all the confidence she needed to master the skill of bicycle riding.

 

I think you understand my point.

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I think OF's bicycle analogy is pretty accurate.

 

This situation is also similar to ex-convicts who deliberately do something to put them back in jail. Some of them don't want/don't know how to live free. They have become comfortable in the security that comes with someone else making every decision in their daily life.

 

Trust me, freedom is better once you learn how to function independently.

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Life is much more meaningful once you realize it's meant to be lived and not just tolerated in prep for the big hoe-down in the sky. Live and enjoy today according to YOUR rules, not an imaginary friend.

 

To paraphrase an old beer commercial, "you only go around once in life, and if you do it right, that's enough."

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At least when I had "God" in my life there was always hope, but since I've realized there's no magician in the sky that might possibly help me out someday, I feel like life is meaningless.

 

I've given up on all of my hopes and dreams and now I just spend my time staring off into space wondering what the point of life is...unsure.png

 

TW, I can't give you any suggestions, but I can tell you of my experiences with this issue. For many, many, years as I served 'the lord', I always had 'hope'. That's a BIG word (and feeling) to have in your heart - Hope living in one's heart gives us the feeling that it's alllll going to work out. We have spent years believing in a god, a magical god we could pray to 24 hours a day, that would help us with this journey on earth.We could ask and talk to him about anything and we believed that he heard us. That alone,when we were believers, made us feel better instantly, it took the 'edge off' the horrible situation when we strongly believed in our heart that our god would rescue us at some point.

 

We waited and prayed to this god for everything - the 'bonus money', (for being good!!biggrin.png ), the job situation to change, the answered prayer that would show us which direction to take, how to get rid of boredom and then totally leaning on him when things were soooo bad - we couldn't stand it. This was our hope!

 

I personally was always disappointed at how LONG it took for god to answer prayer. He was much too slow for me, so I generally did what I wanted anyway!

 

Meanwhile, with my rose colored glasses on, I continued to see the devestation of the world all around me, and kept making excuses for god, even though for many years, (deep down) I have been angry with him for allowing his world to be such a cruel place.

 

But still I hung on to him!! At least I felt I had some protection! It was much like when we were children and we would run to mommy with every boredom, problem, cut, bruise and what we thought 'tragedy' was when we were little. He could hop in her lap and she would make everything allright. She would kiss the knee that was scaped and put a pretty bandage on it for us. She would smile and say,''It's gonna be alright!''.

 

This was god to me........A loving father. One awakening I had in the past 3 years was all the praying to god about tons of stress in my life. Here I was asking the magic man in the sky for help when he could have solved a lot of my delemas in a real short time (like mom used to do!) with his all powerful hand??? but he continued to allow the stress?? Why would he do that?? I was his child, damn it! I knew then that prayer was useless. It just wasn't working for me.

 

So, it is like this for me now. (since I put magic god on the shelf)

 

I live in a smaller city of approx. 400-500 thousand people and I know this city like a book. Every nook and cranny. Every side street that will get you to your destination a lot quicker.... every problem area to get around. I felt like I knew god like this,his word, his promises..... I was the sparrow he wouldn't let fall to the ground. Yes, I thought I knew him..... like I know my own city.

 

My journey has been for me as if someone dropped me off in a brand new city of 500 thousand people (the same size city) that I don't know, because i have never been here before.....It's a new 'area' that I don't know anything about...... if I should turn left or right?? I have to start all over. One street at a time.

 

I have discovered that magic god was me all along. I answered my own prayers, I worked to bring in the money, I sovled all my own problems..............It was me! Now I have to accept the reality I always feared - that there might not be an afterlife, and that 'life' could possible be meaningless..........unless we put our own meaning to it.

 

Now that I don't have a god I have to please constantly - I can even give a little to myself!! Right now, that might only be the pleasure of answering this post because I have so many other stresses in my life that must be dealt with....'one street at a time''.

 

So I am in the same new city you are. I'll encourage you, if you'll encourage me, to walk out in this new city and discover, maybe, some new things that might be worth living for ...'one street at a time'!

 

Hang in there bud!

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The meaning and purpose of life is to live it to its fullest. As a Christian, you thought god gave you purpose and meaning (as did I). But what neither of us knew then was that this non-existent god gave us nothing. The meaning we found was within us and, here's the good news, it did not go away with that false religion you have so wisely rejected. It is still there waiting for you to reclaim it.

 

It will take time, but the time will be worth it in the long run.

 

I know you're right about the meaning of life is to live it to it's fullest, it's just that having everything I've ever believed in taken away from me has left me feeling hallow. I've been through so much these last three years and losing my faith has been the final straw.

 

I've always been a strong person, but even the strongest person has their limit. I just don't even know where to begin.

 

I know this is a poor analogy, but I'll use it since I can't think of a better one. I remember teaching my daughter to ride a bicycle. You know the drill. We took the training wheels off but she wanted them left on. I encouraged her by telling her that riding a bicycle is much more fun without the training wheels. She reluctantly agreed, so off they came. Then as she sat on her bicycle, I held the bike up and pushed her as she pedaled and steered. She pleaded with me not to let go because she was so sure she couldn't possibly ride that two-wheeled vehicle without my assistance. Once I helped her to stop, I told her something that greatly surprised her. I told her that even though she didn't know it, for much of the time while she thought I was "pushing" her and preventing her from falling over I was only running along beside her and that she had actually ridden the bicycle on her own. I'll never forget the surprised look on her face when she realized that she had actually ridden the bicycle on her own, though she had not known it. After that, it was just a little more practice with me running along beside her and she had all the confidence she needed to master the skill of bicycle riding.

 

I think you understand my point.

 

That actually is a good analogy. I guess that I just need a little more "practice".

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This feeling of apathy and bleakness will pass (though it may come back sometimes as well) as you learn to enjoy what is there, as opposed to what isn't. However, this will more than likely happen, as nothing lasts forever. I would say music helps me most when i'm depressed and feeling like nothing, it is good to just listen to the radio, or soul-songs when you're not feeling much. Just to get lost in the music, and just let yourself drift away.

 

Personally i am still a nervous wreck, although it get's a little bit more manageable at times. I suspect you will be ok, i just would advise you to take advantage of any therapy you can get or that is offered, it is invaluable, especially at a younger age, when you can get medical coverage through the state through your parents, which can really help, since good therapy can be a lot.

 

Life being inherently meaningless can be very depressing at first, however, there's a lot more adventure to life if your road isn't mapped out for you. Not to mention you are free to make mistakes and find your own path, without constant repentance or guilt induced self-repression. You can be you, and i think meaning that you find, or create, will usually be more fulfilling than living for a god, as long as you have people who you can live and love with. Although, this is just my opinion, of course

 

Welcome to the site,

Fallout

 

Thank you for the welcome and your post.

 

I too am a music lover and I definitely spend a few hours a day listening to music to drown everything else out and it definitely helps me feel better.

 

I'm definitely enjoying not being stressed out worrying about if I'm "sinning" or if I'm being "good enough" for "God", it's just that now I'm trying to figure out how to rebuild my life and get some confidence in myself.

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I have discovered that magic god was me all along. I answered my own prayers, I worked to bring in the money, I sovled all my own problems..............It was me! Now I have to accept the reality I always feared - that there might not be an afterlife, and that 'life' could possible be meaningless..........unless we put our own meaning to it.

 

Now that I don't have a god I have to please constantly - I can even give a little to myself!! Right now, that might only be the pleasure of answering this post because I have so many other stresses in my life that must be dealt with....'one street at a time''.

 

So I am in the same new city you are. I'll encourage you, if you'll encourage me, to walk out in this new city and discover, maybe, some new things that might be worth living for ...'one street at a time'!

 

Hang in there bud!

 

Margee, you really do have a way with words to make people feel better. I know that you and everyone else in this thread is right, it's just that everything is so draining right now. I've already been through enough bullshit these last three years and losing my faith was the final straw. My mental, emotional, and physical energy is completely gone. It's definitely going to be hard putting my life back together, but I'm going to just try to take it one step at a time.

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I understand you Totalwreck. I've been depressed after I left christianity. I could compare like when you recover from any addiction. The addiction

brought something but at least was unhealthy. When we have been christian, we also had a lot of friends, contacts, we were connected with people

by biblical beliefs and when you leave all this world you start a difficult path with loneliness. It is like if you wake up after a dream or the end of effect

of a drug. Something drunk feel cheerful for several hours but then he must face again to the life.

 

what you live actually is normal. We were used to have "the holy ghost in you" and we now see the illusion. You probably need time and you must

be patient. I know it is uncomfortable but this way is something you cannot avoid when you recover. We must face to disappointment, we must face with loss of people which have been our friends and because now we have different belief there is something broken. When all our relationships turned around faith if there is no other topics or hobbies that connect us to others, the awakeness can be brutal.

 

I wish you the best and don't hesitate to come on this forum. I think sharing is a great need and help to move on and heal.

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I have discovered that magic god was me all along. I answered my own prayers, I worked to bring in the money, I sovled all my own problems..............It was me! Now I have to accept the reality I always feared - that there might not be an afterlife, and that 'life' could possible be meaningless..........unless we put our own meaning to it.

 

Now that I don't have a god I have to please constantly - I can even give a little to myself!! Right now, that might only be the pleasure of answering this post because I have so many other stresses in my life that must be dealt with....'one street at a time''.

 

So I am in the same new city you are. I'll encourage you, if you'll encourage me, to walk out in this new city and discover, maybe, some new things that might be worth living for ...'one street at a time'!

 

Hang in there bud!

 

My mental, emotional, and physical energy is completely gone. It's definitely going to be hard putting my life back together, but I'm going to just try to take it one step at a time.

I hear you loud and clear!! Sometimes, I think we need to put a stick of dynamite up our arse to get us going!!!! moon.gifukliam2.gif

One step at a time is all the energy I have right now also!! eviltongue.gif

 

I do sympathize!

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  • 3 weeks later...

It's been nearly a year since my deconversion so this Christmas is my first one without my faith and it's difficult for me.

 

How are you holding up?

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I posted this in another thread, maybe it applies here?

Exactly, we are ok.

I always remind myself that I can only be better than myself. If I can look myself in the mirror and respect who I see, my life is good. It's really about who you want to be as a person, not who others want you to be. You live up to your own expectations and you will be very happy with yourself. Many years ago I decided that most people's opinions of me do not matter, I answer to me only. I don't beat myself up when I do something stupid, I learn & remember. Treat yourself with respect.

Always be the person you want to be, be genuine. You will be happy being yourself and you will be amazed at how many people will want to be around you. The answer is always inside of us. Don't ask the question "Who am I?" Make the statement "I am...". It takes practice to get there. Only because it can be hard to unlearn negative actions.

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It sucks to go from feeling like you have an important role in some cosmic drama between good and evil to being 1 of 7 billion people who really isn't so special after all.

So true! I used to feel like I was at the center of something really big--that "cosmic drama". Wendyloser.gif

 

The way I've dealt with my reduction to reality is (yup, I'm just 1 of 7 billion!):

  • I have great parties with amazing food (I prepare for days, sometimes weeks) and awesome friends (and often people I don't know)
  • I bask in my humanity instead of being tormented by it
  • I find/create meaning and joy, since it can no longer come from my delusions of grandeur
  • I try to make the world a better place through acting locally

I am no longer depressed because I realize that life is what I make it. I'm getting behind the wheel and turning over the engine! Vroom! ohmy.png

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...I always had that feeling of hope, until the very end when I decided I could take no more.

 

Now that I've been out, I must say that all the anxiety and stress is gone. However, now all I feel is emptiness inside and I feel kind of numb, like nothing really matters anymore.

...I feel like life is meaningless.

 

I've always delt with depression, but since losing my faith, it's really gotten bad (I am on medication again and it helps, but it only does so much). I've given up on all of my hopes and dreams and now I just spend my time staring off into space wondering what the point of life is...

Hey TW

I'm glad you're medicated. I was just reading the psychology literature about loss of faith, and even scientists believe it is a major crisis. In other words, you have been through a lot and it's no wonder you feel the way you do. Your whole worldview has come crashing down, and that is very traumatizing.

 

I hope you can pull out of your funk and get on with your life--because a great life awaits you.

 

Now is not the time to give upon your hopes and dreams. It's time to amend them as needed (okay, so you'll never be a pastor) but also time to embrace them (or embrace new ones). You are off the meaningless treadmill of religion. You are finally free. Make a plan, follow your heart.

 

You can do this!

 

Please keep us posted. We are all rooting for you!

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Now that I've been out, I must say that all the anxiety and stress is gone. However, now all I feel is emptiness inside and I feel kind of numb, like nothing really matters anymore. It's like I don't feel anything really, just bleak. So on one hand I do have a sense of calm in my life now, but on the other hand, my motivation and passion for life is just gone. I don't know which is worse - feeling nothing but having calm in my life or being a nervous wreck all the time but feeling something even if it wasn't a good feeling.

As a person,who went from being a nervous wreck (I was pretty much crushed by what was happening to me at the time,when I converted to christianity ) to a rather numb person myself i can say,that the latter is better. But it's not the best state there is.

I've given up on all of my hopes and dreams and now I just spend my time staring off into space wondering what the point of life is...unsure.png

Oh,but weren't there any hopes and dreams for a better life here? Finding you significant other, overcoming your fears ,becoming stronger, changing conditions of your everyday life,anything like that? There may not be a life after death,but there still is a life before death. Sometimes live's hard, maybe, even unfair , but there are also beautiful things in life to be enjoyed. For example,helping other people might be one of those things.

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I am touched by your story and feel for you on your journey, Can I suggest: find some time to volunteer. Do something for others, serve. It is important it will help you feel needed and give you a mission.

 

I have trained to be a volunteer at Hospice. I hold the hands of the dying. I am needed, useful, and appreciated.

 

It's important.

 

All the best to you

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Thank you all for your replies and concern - I am doing a lot better now. However, my mood is known to change easily and quickly so who knows how long this "all right" phase will last.

 

Lately the only time I really feel sad is when I first wake up after sleeping because that's when my mind is most clear and there's just always this feeling of "time to face life again".

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there's just always this feeling of "time to face life again.

If I may ask,what exactly makes this feeling unpleasant?

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