Enough Is Enough

[Sirelien]

Hi there people. I'm a UK mathematics undergraduate. I have been a Christian my whole life, since that was how I was brought up. And two years ago, the very idea that I'd be posting on a forum such as this one, announcing that I'd lost my faith, would have been laughable.

 

Oh I had many questions and gripes about Christianity. There were elements of it I didn't like. The disrespect for science was a bit of a turnoff, as was the irrational hatred of homosexuals. And I never got my head around the book of Job, and why that supposedly showed God as a good being, worthy of worship, instead of a crazed psychopath who'll happily destroy lives (literally) just for a bet.

 

But I told myself that there were answers to all these flaws. Religion itself was flawed. But God himself was good and perfect, like I'd always been told. I just needed to have faith and to seek his wisdom and guidance.

 

Two years ago, I did just that. I faced a very difficult choice in my life. What that choice was, I'd rather not go into in detail. It suffices to say that I had two options - A or B. A was the safe option. B was risky, but the potential benefits were considerable. It was one of the most difficult decisions I have ever had to make, and I did what every good Christian is told to do. I took it to God.

 

How many countless hours did I spend praying about this choice! I dread to think. I earnestly sought his advice like I'd never sought it before. I desperately wanted to get it right, not just for myself, but for other people who would be affected. I was fully prepared to put my faith in him and to do what he told me.

 

Well, I can honestly say that the result of my prayer was nothing. Absolutely nothing! So I made the decision myself. I weighed the evidence and the options and made the rational decision to go with option B.

 

Two years on, I now know I made the wrong decision. I have been hurt more deeply and terribly than I can ever have imagined when I made that decision. My personal life is a mess, and I've needed professional counselling.

 

If God exists, then I have to believe that he made the choice to allow me to go down this road. All he had to do was say 'Option A' and I would have obeyed him and avoided all of this. What kind of loving, perfect being would have let me go through all of this, when it was all so avoidable? Why did I receive no answer to all my questioning? Of course, the logical conclusion is that there simply wasn't anyone to give me an answer.

 

Of course, I'm well aware when I make that argument that maybe I should have come to it long before now. After all, just look at the world - look at all those born into desperate poverty, with no access even to clean drinking water, look at all the thousands upon thousands slaughtered by natural disasters every year, look at the thousands more who fall victim to HIV, or cholera, or typhoid, or maleria. Or Alzheimers. Dear God, what kind of loving creator includes Alzheimers in their system of divine creation?

 

I've had enough. I'm sick of it, the whole lot of it. I'm sick of trying to explain away everything that simply doesn't make sense about Christianity. It doesn't make sense, and that's the brutal truth. A small part of me still wishes it did, but hopefully that will fade with time. I have no more time for the poison that's controlled my life up till now and I have no time for a God who subjects his creations to such misery.

 

God does not exist. My rational mind knows that. But if I am wrong, and he does, then he certainly isn't good. And he certainly is not worthy of our worship.

[Margee]

Welcome sire! You are not alone. I often direct newcomers to a letter I wrote to god last February when I first joined the site.. See if you can relate. Welcome home to people who understand! Keep posting.....we're all here for You!

 

http://www.ex-christian.net/topic/44259-please-forgive-me/page__fromsearch__1

[blackpudd1n]

Hi Sirelien, welcome to Ex-C

 

Unfortunately, as we all go through life, we're going to say and do things we regret later. It sounds like you have gone through a horrible experience just trying to make a good decision. Really, you couldn't have known it was going to turn out as badly as it did- no-one has a crystal ball to see into the future. You made the best decision you could at the time using the resources available to you, and it turned out badly. I'm not trying to minimalise your pain, I would just hate to see you experience any more pain through beating yourself up about this. I know how hard it can be to forgive yourself when you stuff up- I am not very good at it myself, and have caused myself more pain over the years by refusing to let go of my own bad decisions. I'd hate to see anyone else put themselves through what I have and do (I'm working on it).

 

You are right when you say god is not good and therefore undeserving of our worship even if he does exist. As painful as the process of losing your faith is, it does get better, and even though I am a recent deconvert, I have found that I am so much happier in so many ways than I ever was as a christian. We're here to support you on your journey to freedom- I hope you'll stick around

 

*hugs*

[mymistake]

Hi Sirelien, welcome to ex-C! Yeah it's hard to dispel religion. Good for your for figuring it out. Try not to beat yourself up too much about it. Stick around and hang out.

[slave2six]

"Life is pain, highness. Anyone who tells you otherwise is selling something." (The Princess Bride)

 

Hi Sirelien - Thanks for sharing. I empathize. One of the great benefits I have derived from deconverting is that I now take full responsibility for my choices. I cannot tell you how liberating that is! In the past three years I have not once stopped to wonder what the invisible Big Brother thought.

 

blackpudd1n is right. It does get better. You'll have other hard times. I have found that without exception the folks on this site are encouraging and kindly souls. Please don't hesitate to post as often as you need.

[Sirelien]

Thank you all. I very much appreciate your responses. Especially yours Margee - your letter is incredible. You've expressed perfectly just how I feel (and I imagine how a great many former Christians also feel)

 

To use a biblical expression, it's amazing isn't it just how quickly the scales fall from your eyes. Looking back, you just wonder how on earth you took any of this rubbish seriously!

 

I have long held the view (I held this when I was a Christian) that Christianity is either the best or the most evil thing on this planet. And which one it is depends entirely on whether or not it is true. If it is true - if God really gave up his life for us - then surely it follows by definition that Christianity is the greatest message on earth.

 

If not however, then it is surely an evil thing indeed.

[Positivist]

Welcome, Sirelien

 

I can really relate to your story. I have always been science minded (hence my name, "Positivist") so I know what you mean about the mental contortions to make the Bible and Christianity make sense with science. For me as well, evidence finally won out. Still, it was not an easy transition.

 

As for your decision that hasn't yielded the fruit you had hoped, well, I wish we could do coffee to chat! That's totally my experience. I built my whole career on one bad decision. I am now into it as deep as I can be (13 years of post-secondary schooling, for starters). I am getting even more schooling to distance myself from the stuff I don't like about where the first 13 years got me. (Doesn't make sense, I know, and just proves that the first 13 years didn’t actually make me any smarter…)

 

I'm glad you have someone in your life to help you sort things out and I truly wish you better things than have happened to you. (I had therapy too--very helpful.) It sounds to me like you are on the right track. Keep moving forward, friend. We are all rooting for you!

 

Welcome!

 

Peace.

[izzytheterri]

So many people preach that the Magic Sky Man will answer our prayers, lead us on the path of righteousness, and provide. It's so devastating when we come to the conclusion that it isn't true. Whether we've mistaken the nature of God, or whether he's just a joker that doesn't deserve a second choice, or whether he doesn't exist, the end result is the same, and it doesn't matter.

 

You're right. None of it makes sense... and it's freeing finally embracing that.

 

Stay strong.

[Chikirin]

I had a big choice to make, and I got different answers from many Christian 'counselors.'

 

The most annoying was when they'd say "Just trust God." and I'd reply, "Of course, but do I trust God and do choice A or trust God and do choice B?" and they'd just repeat the same thing.

 

I think Churches teach people to be indecisive, which is a really bad trait for an adult to have. I heard a quote from someplace, I forget where, but I think it has helped me since: "Be decisive, even if that means you will be wrong some times."

 

Another thing, I'd made wrong choices before and I would get told, in an accusing tone, "Well did you PRAY about it first?!" As though any wrong decision or failure could be chalked up as being my fault for not praying enough.

[2Honest]

Welcome, Sirelien. Getting to a point of really needing god to "be god" for me and to actually answer a very desperate prayer was what drove me to de-conversion, too. I feel for you. But the others are right, it does get better. It's only been a couple of months for me and I am already feeling a lot more peace. It's great being free of all those mental gymnastics!

 

Glad you are here!

 

2H