The Letter I'd Like To See Written, From Christians To Us!

[Margee]

Why do you want you decision to leave the xian religion to be validated by xians? Why sit around expecting any sort of understanding for being a traitor to their belief system?

 

You need to validate your own feelings. Own your decisions and stop looking to others, all others, to validate them. Only you know if you made the right decision or not.

 

When I first deconverted one of the worst things that could be said to me was that I was never a real believer. It got me very angry. To the point I could barely function. But once I stopped looking to these others to validate who I was it stopped making a difference. I know who I was and who I am. It no longer mattered.

 

It doesn't matter what any xians say. Caring what they think and even wanting them to say certain things only gives them power over you. Stop handing your power over to others.

 

mwc

mwc, I am going to presume that you are speaking to me. You've got some really good points here. I have already 'come out' 100% to 2 pastors wifes in my clientele. You are certainly right about me wanting their approval..that is pretty dumb, isnt it? I'm workin' on it and very proud that I came clean to these 2 ladies. They don't approve - you are right - and I am also working very hard on liking me just the way I am.

 

The letter I wrote in the OP was a letter that I would have loved to seen somewhere on this site from a kind, loving christian...no such letter.

My point was.... where is all the so-called christian love and compassion for people who have lost there faith - it does not come from these christians. I guess I really did think they would feel bad, but it's the opposite - they are so sarcastic and hateful sometimes. I don't really believe that they read our testimomies with sincerity. I never realized when I lost my faith,I would gain so many enemies.......Duh!

[Overcame Faith]

The letter I wrote in the OP was a letter that I would have loved to seem somewhere on this site from a kind, loving christian...no such letter.

My point was.... where is all the so-called christian love and compassion for people who have lost there faith - it does not come from these christians. I guess I really did think they would feel bad, but it's the opposite - they are so sarcastic and hateful sometimes. I don't really believe that they read our testimomies with sincerity. I never realized when I lost my faith,I would gain so many enemies.......Duh!

 

Margee, remember that the Christian arrogance we see on this board so many times comes because they think they have the truth and that they are special because the one true living god is on their side.

 

Many of us (though not all, for sure), have been forced fed humility from learning that for so many years we, with all our intelligence, were just as blinded as the Christians are and we accepted the same things they now proclaim to us.

 

Humility hurts, but it can help one grow.

[mwc]

mwc, I am going to presume that you are speaking to me.

It wasn't specifically to you, no. I have seen this from you, me and others in the past. It is something that comes up over and over again. We seek validation and approval from people that we really shouldn't expect anything from at all.

 

How proud should we be when our pets piss on our sofa? Not very. We're pissing on their sofa and expecting hugs and kisses in return. We then accuse them of not displaying "Christian Love" (in caps). But why should they? We left them. Do you divorce your spouse and expect unconditional love in return? You shouldn't. In the bible it says to leave your family to truly be xian. We call that idiotic. As it's hurtful to that "old" family. You have now done the reverse. You've left your xian family. Should they be happy about that? I think not. But we're now hurting and we want their understanding. Something they're not prepared to give. Maybe because they're also hurting? And we throw up all sorts of slanders to protect ourselves from that hurt. If we don't look to them for any approvals in the first place then it won't matter. We should actually be prepared for a rejection and pleasantly surprised if it does not come.

 

It seems so simple that we're in pain and if they truly "loved" us they would just ignore the slight and continue the relationship but it's just not that simple. We divorced them. We shoved them clean away. Tossed them aside. And, yet, say we still want them in our lives. It's more than a "slight" from their side. It's a full rejection of who they are. I see no reason for them to take it lightly if they take their religion seriously. That pain that is in the ex-timonies shows how serious this hurt can be and how deep it runs in a person. Why embrace anyone who inflicts such a rejection on you?

 

Anyhow, I'm just rambling...

 

mwc

[Margee]

mwc, I am going to presume that you are speaking to me.

It wasn't specifically to you, no. I have seen this from you, me and others in the past. It is something that comes up over and over again. We seek validation and approval from people that we really shouldn't expect anything from at all.

 

How proud should we be when our pets piss on our sofa? Not very. We're pissing on their sofa and expecting hugs and kisses in return. We then accuse them of not displaying "Christian Love" (in caps). But why should they? We left them. Do you divorce your spouse and expect unconditional love in return? You shouldn't. In the bible it says to leave your family to truly be xian. We call that idiotic. As it's hurtful to that "old" family. You have now done the reverse. You've left your xian family. Should they be happy about that? I think not. But we're now hurting and we want their understanding. Something they're not prepared to give. Maybe because they're also hurting? And we throw up all sorts of slanders to protect ourselves from that hurt. If we don't look to them for any approvals in the first place then it won't matter. We should actually be prepared for a rejection and pleasantly surprised if it does not come.

 

It seems so simple that we're in pain and if they truly "loved" us they would just ignore the slight and continue the relationship but it's just not that simple. We divorced them. We shoved them clean away. Tossed them aside. And, yet, say we still want them in our lives. It's more than a "slight" from their side. It's a full rejection of who they are. I see no reason for them to take it lightly if they take their religion seriously. That pain that is in the ex-timonies shows how serious this hurt can be and how deep it runs in a person. Why embrace anyone who inflicts such a rejection on you?

 

Anyhow, I'm just rambling...

 

mwc

mwc.........thanks for this, very well explained....In my eyes, this is a five star response! *****

I'm putting this in my 'favorites'.

Sincerely, Margee

[momof8]

Super letter, Margee. My thought is if a Christian were to write such a letter, wouldn't that person be close to deconverting???

 

You know my response was going to be that my Mother is a Christian like this. She knows a little bit of what I am going through, but I have not shared with her how close I am to not believing at all. She thinks I will still stay a Christian, just a more liberal one. The truth is, I think my Mom would deconvert if she read all the things I have. However, I don't think she could handle that right now. She recently came out of a very cult like fundamentalist church where she was very very hurt. She has now found a loving, well as loving as a church can be, church to attend with somewhat normal people and friends. Emotionally, deconverting might destroy her right now. So I will wait, and lie to her about my true feelings because she couldn't handle me being an atheist either. This has been very difficult for me because I am an extremely honest person by nature and don't lie well. Especially to my mom, she is one of my best friends and we used to have deep religious discussions all the time and now we don't because I don't want to spill the beans about my impending atheism. I have this same issue with all of my friends, it kinda sucks to be in this position.

[2Honest]

This has been very difficult for me because I am an extremely honest person by nature and don't lie well. Especially to my mom, she is one of my best friends and we used to have deep religious discussions all the time and now we don't because I don't want to spill the beans about my impending atheism. I have this same issue with all of my friends, it kinda sucks to be in this position.

 

 

 

I can SO relate to what you said here, I'm in a similar situation. It's a lonely place to be.

[Margee]

This has been very difficult for me because I am an extremely honest person by nature and don't lie well. Especially to my mom, she is one of my best friends and we used to have deep religious discussions all the time and now we don't because I don't want to spill the beans about my impending atheism. I have this same issue with all of my friends, it kinda sucks to be in this position.

 

 

 

I can SO relate to what you said here, I'm in a similar situation. It's a lonely place to be.

it's very lonely..............

[asanerman]

Why do you want you decision to leave the xian religion to be validated by xians? Why sit around expecting any sort of understanding for being a traitor to their belief system?

 

You need to validate your own feelings. Own your decisions and stop looking to others, all others, to validate them. Only you know if you made the right decision or not.

 

When I first deconverted one of the worst things that could be said to me was that I was never a real believer. It got me very angry. To the point I could barely function. But once I stopped looking to these others to validate who I was it stopped making a difference. I know who I was and who I am. It no longer mattered.

 

It doesn't matter what any xians say. Caring what they think and even wanting them to say certain things only gives them power over you. Stop handing your power over to others.

 

mwc

mwc, I am going to presume that you are speaking to me. You've got some really good points here. I have already 'come out' 100% to 2 pastors wifes in my clientele. You are certainly right about me wanting their approval..that is pretty dumb, isnt it? I'm workin' on it and very proud that I came clean to these 2 ladies. They don't approve - you are right - and I am also working very hard on liking me just the way I am.

 

The letter I wrote in the OP was a letter that I would have loved to seen somewhere on this site from a kind, loving christian...no such letter.

My point was.... where is all the so-called christian love and compassion for people who have lost there faith - it does not come from these christians. I guess I really did think they would feel bad, but it's the opposite - they are so sarcastic and hateful sometimes. I don't really believe that they read our testimomies with sincerity. I never realized when I lost my faith, I would gain so many enemies.......Duh!

 

“Jogging on a pier in San Francisco. A fisherman starts a long cast”--writes Sam Keen. “As his pole comes back, the lure with three-pronged hooks whips dangerously close to my eye. My brain registers DANGER. I veer aside with my best broken running step. My mind immediately translates the impulse “DANGER” into the paranoid judgment: “He intends to do me evil.” Immediately I catch my paranoia and correct my judgment: There is danger here but he intends me no evil. The transition from alienation to trust takes place in a milli-second.”

 

My paranoia is countered with the trust that I am adequate for the task of choosing what is “truth” for myself--and that the dignity of my life and who I am, demand that I trust my body, my mind and my human spirit. Countering paranoia, for me, happens no less than a hundred times a day! It may be that countering my paranoia is becoming a trait of mine rather than just a passing state.

 

That I may enter the darkness or light and mystery of my own experience of living (or that of other--man, woman, world) without armoring my body or mind or spirit with tension or anesthetizing it by fear speaks volumes to the notion that I can approach what is “strange” in friendship, with courage, dignity and honor.

 

"Disillusionment "- to cause to lose naive faith and trust in the notion that something outside myself will "save" me- "returns the power of [my] happiness to me..." (Sam Keen)

and to me alone.

[2Honest]

"Disillusionment - to cause to lose naive faith and trust in the notion that something outside myself will "save" me- returns the power of [my] happiness to me..." (Sam Keen)

and to me alone.

 

Love this!