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Sometimes I Just Want To Cry


TXN
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Hello forum,

 

Hopefully I can find some "comfort" here with sharing my experience and getting some advice. I'm on an emotional rollercoaster and my beliefs and former beliefs seem to be the cause.

 

My sophmore year of HS, I started struggling with my beliefs. That was about 5 years ago. I'm in the army, living my own life, but I'm still struggling- bad.

 

Since I was little, the entire Christianity thing seemed weird to me. Baptist church with my mom one weekend, Catholic with my dad another weekend. In high school, as I said, I started having my doubts but attended Bible study and church with an Evangelist friend. Those were my last "Christian" moments, and toward the end of attending functions with friends, I felt that it just wasn't right.

 

Christianity, along with Judaism and Islam, make me angry for one reason or another. The scriptures seem mythological and offbeat, and some are so against what I personally feel is right that it simply strikes a nerve that people actually want me to submit and just lay down and accept it. To do so would be to accept being brainwashed. I cannot force myself to believe in something I see as wrong.

 

And even though I'm generally content with the idea that Christianity isn't for me, I still have some fears. Fears that have gone and come back repeatedly over 5 years.

 

I'm scared of hell. Scared that if I really am wrong, I'm doomed for eternity. I'm scared of engaging in religious conversation with my mom or dad (they know I'm not a Christian) for fear it will stir up hurt feelings and conflict as it has in the past. I'm scared of my grandmother, grandfather, and aunts knowing that I'm not a Christian for fear they will lose respect for me or "disown" me. Recently they gave my a prayer book that my grandmother had for a long time. I accepted it, smiled, and hugged them.

 

I also wanted to cry. I would have no use for their good-intentioned gift, and if they knew I thought it was bogus I fear they would not show any affection towards me at all.

 

There are times that I have no worries of hell, and times where it makes me want to curl up in a hole and die. I've also been trying to find another religion or spiritual path that suites me. I feel as i I should follow something. But everything I read into (Hinduism, Paganism, Deism, Pantheism) has one huge aspect that I just cannot follow. I want to belong to something. I have my own personal purpose that I'm proud of, but I still feel stressed for not even knowing what I believe.

 

Ok, rant done. If anyone has any advice... please help. Sometimes I think I should visit a counselor, but I fear that they would do little to help in this situation.

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TXN, you have come to the right place. Welcome to EX-C!

 

I'm a bit jealous! I wish that I had realized how bogus christianity was when I was as young as you. My wife and I just recently deconverted after believing for more than 30 years.

 

Hell is one of the concepts that led to our deconversion. It just didn't make sense that a supposedly good and benevolent god would create a world where he knew that the vast majority of his creation would burn and suffer for eternity in hell. Many of those people would have never even heard of him and thus had a chance to change their horrible destiny.

 

The concept of hell along with many other theologies that didn't make sense led us to actually take a rational look at the bible. Once you do that and see all the contradictions, brutalities, etc, there is just no going back.

 

Many others will have encouraging words for you here. You are not alone. This is a community where many have been through what you are going through and we are here to help.

 

J

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TXN, you have come to the right place. Welcome to EX-C!

 

I'm a bit jealous! I wish that I had realized how bogus christianity was when I was as young as you. My wife and I just recently deconverted after believing for more than 30 years.

 

Hell is one of the concepts that led to our deconversion. It just didn't make sense that a supposedly good and benevolent god would create a world where he knew that the vast majority of his creation would burn and suffer for eternity in hell. Many of those people would have never even heard of him and thus had a chance to change their horrible destiny.

 

The concept of hell along with many other theologies that didn't make sense led us to actually take a rational look at the bible. Once you do that and see all the contradictions, brutalities, etc, there is just no going back.

 

Many others will have encouraging words for you here. You are not alone. This is a community where many have been through what you are going through and we are here to help.

 

J

 

Wow! I was about to say exactly the same. Like jblueep here I was brought up in a Christian home and it wasn't until my mid 30s when I finally got real and realised what a crock it all is. As Jblueep says, a loving God would never create such a horrible place as hell, let alone make people burn in it for all eternity simply because they were UNABLE to believe. All you have to do is to look at just how absurd the whole concept is and to realise that it's one of the main reasons why people are afraid to drop Christianity like the sack of shit it is. Those who came up with the myth of hell were well aware that the only way to keep people under their thumbs was to issue threats of hell and damnation to keep them in line. That's why the concept of hell was conjured up and Jesus was as guilty as the rest of them, hungry for power and demonising those who did not think as he did. When you take these things into account AND that it is a pagan concept AND that the OT depicts Hell as simply the grave, then you'll start to realise it's nothing to fear.

 

Finally when people try to scare you with threats of hell just listen to the ridiculous and feeble attempts to justify Hell as being just and fair... as being a creation of a loving, benevolent God. They really are quite ludicrous and show just how deluded and ignorant Christians can be. Oh yeah and remind yourself just how absurd so much of the bible is and that there is no way it can be God's word, but just that of ignorant supersitious man. You don't believe the earth is flat, that mental illnesses are caused by demons, that sickness and disease is punishment from God, that God causes natural disasters, etc etc etc. So why believe in a ridiculous place like Hell?

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We've all been there before, and to some degree the idea of divine vengeance will always affect our mentality and behavior. But the fear of hell and of an afterlife can become less severe over time, and as you become better educated / better socialized.

 

There is no way to disprove that Yahweh exists, he is all powerful, and that he will do wicked things to you after you die. But neither is there a way to disprove the same things about Allah, Zeus, or Thor.

 

But any being who will curse humans will also lie to them. And what he calls "curses," might be what we call "blessings" and vice versa. So, we have no reason to obey Yahweh.... or even fear him.

 

Much better not to believe in any superstitions, but believe the things that you have evidence of, and follow your conscience.

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Welcome to ex-C! It's okay to cry. Just maybe be sure you are alone so that certain people don't judge you. But once you are alone go ahead and cry. Nothing wrong with that. You feel all that fear because fear is how Christianity controls Christians. It's their insurance policy so that you don't stop paying them money. Why do you feel that you should follow something? Is this a pressure coming from others or is it something from inside you? Either way it's okay to recognize that most religions are not good enough for you. You wouldn't start worshiping Zeus or the sun just because you want to worship something. You can also look into secular humanism. Just look without any of the prejudice that Christians fed you. Maybe that will fit and maybe it won't. There is also nothing wrong with being agnostic or atheist. When it comes to fear of hell just try to think about how silly hell is and how silly and contradictory the Bible salvation claims are. People here can help with that if you want to ask questions in the theology section.

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Welcome to Ex-C, TXN :)

 

You don't have to believe anything, because you are not the sum total of your beliefs. Christianity taught us that we were our beliefs- the whole idea of being born again, washed in the blood, you know the spiel. But that's just not true. Your beliefs do not define you as a person- YOU define you as a person.

 

I found this an incredibly hard concept to get my head around while I was deconverting. Deconverting meant questioning every single aspect of myself. If I was not a Christian, then who was I? How much of Christianity defined ME as a person? And to be honest, I'm still working that out. The one thing I am aware of, though, is that I like myself better since I deconverted. My morals and principles are actually stronger since I began answering to myself. I have to be able to look myself in the eye everyday, and accept the repercussions of my decisions. I now take full responsibility for myself.

 

Right now, I am sitting on the fence. I call myself an atheist with a soft spot for paganism. I am aware that I once was an extremist, and I am also aware that extremism is not mutually exclusive to religion. The best I can work out, extremism is a state of mind, a thought process, a habit. My extremism took the form of my belief system (other forms include racism, biogtry, political views, etc.), so I am aware that I could easily become an extremist athiest or an extremist pagan, in which case neither would be any healthier for me than Christianity was. So I've found sitting on the fence a good way to curb my own extremist tendencies. It is hard to be an extremist when you are a walking conundrum :) This tactic may well work for you, too. If there are some things from a couple of different belief systems that you do like, take those on board, discard the rest, and peacefully sit on the fence :) After all, it is YOUR belief system or lack of; make it your own :) Besides which, very few people actually follow every single "law" laid out within a belief system :)

 

Good luck with it, hope to see you around the forum :)

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TXN,Welcomw to EX-c!

 

Thank you for sharing your story with us..... unfortunetely, it is very familiar to us to hear these types of stories.

But you have found a safety net here at EX-c. We understand your dilemma! Keep posting all your concerns.....there is always someone who will address it for you! Read all the wonderful past posts to help you along.

 

Big hug for you tonight, and best wishes in this new journey of yours!

 

Sincerely, Margee

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Hi TXN, your experiencing the same anxiety and fear we all have gone through,the thing to remember is that that fear is the tool of the "church". Xianity is a sociopolitical engine that perpetuates itself through our fear of what happens after we die. Since we cannot see it with any certainty they use that to teach a certain "faith" but that faith can't exist if no one falls for their propaganda and teachings. And then there is the biological need for human companionship that we can't survive without.

 

Combine those and there is the control that xians use to keep their kids in the "faith". Just like basic training breaks a person down to build them up again into what the military needs,this has been done to you and countless others by the church.

 

Suggestions...make new non-faith based friends as best you can in Tx. I know how hard that is in the south. Read and educate yourself about anything that gives you the strength and courage to stay the course of your decisions you make. And keep quiet about your lack of faith(choose your battles) unless you know the outcome and are prepared for the fallout.

 

But most of all be true to yourself and your heart if you can handle it,be open when it helps you. Remember when you found out the truth about Santa well now you know the truth about "god". Faith helps a person get up in the morning and live their life,you now have to find your real reason for living. Best of luck and thanks for your service!

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