Jump to content

I Never Want To See Today Again


blackpudd1n
 Share

Recommended Posts

It's almost midnight, and I am so fucking glad. I don't want to ever see today again.

 

It started really badly. I was completely unable to sleep last night, and, after a whole week of very little sleep and some big ups and downs, I was struggling with bipolar. I was not coping, and I felt unstable, and I knew it was time to take a low dose of an antipsychotic for a couple of nights, get a lot of sleep, and get some equilibrium back.

 

I called my dad this morning to talk about it. Dad said that the last week had been the lead up to the full moon, and he's been tracking how the moon cycles affect me, and without fail, in the week prior to a full moon, I find it hard to cope and my sleep gets messed up. I don't think it is a mystical thing; I just think that bipolar people in particular are very sensitive to any form of change, and that includes sudden weather shifts, seasonal changes, and moon cycles. So I was talking to him about taking a tablet twice a week to help me through with the sleeping.

 

Then we were talking about whether I would cope with doing the markets today, when suddenly dad said he'd call me back in 5 minutes. Half an hour later, I hadn't heard from dad, and I got a call from mum, she was up at the hospital with dad; he was being hooked up to the heart monitor, he had pains in his chest and his fingers on his left hand were numb. I was pretty much about ready to lose it at that point. Even the doctors thought that dad was having a heart attack, and his blood pressure was high. Mum needed me down at the markets, so I pulled myself together as best I could and got down there. It was so hard trying to drive and hold back tears; I couldn't help wondering if I had given dad a heart attack, I wa so scared I was going to lose him, and I wasn't ready to yet. I've only had him in my life the last three years, when he and mum just adopted me into the family. He's my best friend, the only father I've ever had. I just wasn't ready yet.

 

It was hot down at the markets, 32 degrees celcius today, and incredibly busy. In a way I was glad I was down there, as horrifically hot and busy as it was. I just put everything I had into it, knowing on some level that if I stopped, I would completely fucking lose it.

 

Just before we left the markets, we got word that dad was okay. The monitors had picked up that something had happened this morning, but his heart was back to normal, and when they got his blood pressure back down to an acceptable level, they released him, and he has to have follow up with his GP, and a stress test done. They said it may have been something to do with a muscle near his heart, but he's still got to get all the testing done, and I really want him to start slowing down a bit, he's been doing so much lately, and I know how badly Christmas affects him every year.

 

I went over to mum and dad's after the markets to see him. I just needed to actually see him for myself, to know for sure that he was okay and still here. I ended up falling asleep on the lounge for a few hours with him watching tv in his armchair. I just needed to be near my dad.

 

Today was so awful, i just never want to see it again. I know I am now in the danger zone for an episode, and I know that I'm going to have to take the next couple of weeks really slowly and quietly, and just basically bunker down to regain my equilibrium. I know a few days of sedation is on the cards; I hate being sedated, but I know the consequences of not slowing down my mind and regaining my equilibrium, and I know I am past the point of being able to do it without the help of the extra medication.

 

I want to apologise in advance if I offend or upset anyone in the next few days; please believe me when I say that if it happens, it is completely without intent on my behalf. I'm not completely well, and I'm not completely myself right now. What I want to say is very likely to come out the wrong way, and so I ask that you please bear with me and remember that I am not quite myself right now, but soon enough I will be again.

 

I love you all, thank you for giving me somewhere to talk about all of this.

 

Pudd

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Good news - it's not coming back. Hang in there BP. There will be better days.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I am so sorry, Pudd..... I am glad your Dad is ok. I don't have bipolar, but I do have depression and somewhat know what you mean about needing to just bunker down until you are ok. I imagine it is many times worse when you are dealing with bipolar. I will be thinking about you and hoping you are ok soon. hugs

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Thanks guys, it means a lot to me :)

 

I was starting to recover from yesterday when I found out that my friend just lost her daughter yesterday. She was not even 7 months old, and it was completely unexpected. She was my friend's first child, too. I am so devastated for my friend and her husband. They were so happy. Life can just be so goddamn cruel.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Hey Puddin

 

Sounds like you know what to do to take care of yourself at the moment, so just do what you need.

 

I also know what feeling a bit manic can be like. Sometimes I have to take prednisone for auto immune disease and the reaction to that can be like the manic phase of bipolar.

 

Best wishes

Link to comment
Share on other sites

My prayers are with ......oh wait that doesn't do shit....um.....I hope things look up for you soon! GONZ9729CustomImage1539775.gif

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Hi Pudd1n, I'm so glad that your dad is okay. It's obvious that you appreciate and love him very much. I hope you feel better soon. It sounds like you've had a lot on your plate lately academically. Hopefully you can take a little down time to regroup. You and your friend are in my thoughts. Sending hugs.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Thanks every one smile.png I am starting to feel a bit more like myself again, took a really low dose of an anti-psychotic last night, and got knocked out for 13 hours. Still a bit groggy in the head from it, but feeling a lot more together and able to cope. I've come to accept that twice a week I'll have to knock myself out, just to help me stay on top of the sleep, as it really sets the bipolar off in a bad way. I've spent the last year trying different things to combat the insomnia that came with bipolar, but nothing has really worked. I am limited in my options, too, as many herbal therapies, including camomile, react badly with my medication, due to its blood-thinning properties. At least, by not taking the anti-psychotics continuously, I am more sensitive to the sedative effect of them and I don't build up a resistance, so I can take a much lower dose for the same impact when I only require them as a sleeping aid. The maximum dose of Seroquel is 1200mg; I only needed 25mg for a good sleep. Sometimes bipolar hits really hard and fast, and my head literally feels like it's on fire, it's going so fast. On those occaisions I'll start at 300mg; if I need extra, and by the time I hit 500mg I'm still not knocked out, that's when it's hospital time, because I know I must be dealing with a severe bout of mania. The manic flames must be doused ASAP, and sometimes medication is the only option.

 

I'm allowed to use the medication this way because I have proven myself to be sensible. The professionals cut me a little slack, because they know I'll come calling when I've tried dealing with it and nothing's working. Sometimes it just has to be done.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Your approaches to medication sound good. Do you keep a diary of what you take and when? I need to do that with my medication for autoimmune problems.

 

Not at this stage, though I have been seriously considering it, as there have been days when I can't quite remember whether I took my morning dose of the mood stabilisers, and that's a little problematic!

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Guest
This topic is now closed to further replies.
 Share

×
×
  • Create New...

Important Information

By using this site, you agree to our Guidelines.