Luv2knit Posted January 8, 2012 Share Posted January 8, 2012 I have spent the morning reading the No Longer Quivering site. Everything I have read, I can totally identified with! Been there done that, now trying to recover! It makes me sick. It makes me mad! It makes me want to cry. . . All the years of my life I wasted following that crap! The crap I have put my husband and my kiddos through. The mental torture I inflicted on myself. I had the best of intentions at the time. I just wanted to do what was right in the eyes of God. I bought it all stupidly. I had no idea! Enslaving my husband, my children and me. Told that it was complete freedom. It feels incredible to truly be free now! But I have days like today when I reflect on where I was at all those years and it hurts. I really have no desire to continue friendships with my Christian friends I left behind. I can't stomach all the little phrases that so freely spill forth in their conversations. They make me ill, the phrases. Yeah, I could have deep spiritual conversations with them still, they just won't want to hear what I have to say without trying to bring me back to their side. I don't want to debate. I don't want to change their beliefs. Beliefs are personal. So I am on a quest for normal people relationships! The journey ahead is unknown and I like it like that! Thanks for listening. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Legion Posted January 8, 2012 Share Posted January 8, 2012 Luv2knit, I very much enjoyed reading that. I am glad you are free. I'm glad you're seeking healthy friendships. As for the time lost... Be mad for a time if you must. Grieve deep and grieve brief. Then accept and live your life fully!!!! (By the way, another hero biologist of mine lives in your State. Name's Stuart Kauffman. He's in Sante Fe.) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Luv2knit Posted January 8, 2012 Author Share Posted January 8, 2012 Thank you! Santa Fe is just down the road from me. I go there once a week! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Eugene39 Posted January 8, 2012 Share Posted January 8, 2012 What you're experiencing is definitely a phase of leaving faith. It's good to grieve it. From experience, I can tell you that one day you'll be doing just fine, and then something will trigger it again. But it does get better. We all thought we were doing the right thing. Maybe I'm out in goofy land somewhere on this, but could we experience and understand the freedom we now enjoy if it weren't for the time spent in religious bondage? Am still in agreement though that it just stinks that sometimes it takes so long to figure it all out. Best wishes. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TotalWreck Posted January 8, 2012 Share Posted January 8, 2012 Luv2knit, I know exactly how you feel. Back in November and December, I was really going through an angry period - thinking about how much time I wasted on LIES and how I had put all my trust into "God" that he would help me with all the problems in my life only to realize "God" doesn't do anything. I feel kind of empty and numb now since the rug has been pulled from out under my feet, but I'd rather be empty and numb than upset and filled with anxiety like I was during Christianity. I was a nervous wreck the last few years, wondering why all these bad things were happening to me and trying to figure out what I was doing wrong or how I had angered "God". I'm SO glad to let go of all that crap! I don't need a religion or a fictional book (the Bible) to tell me how to be a good person because I know I'm a good person. I now say that my religion is simply to be the best human being I can try to be. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Unbound Posted January 8, 2012 Share Posted January 8, 2012 Great post. I've experienced many of the feelings that you've described. I still have days when I'm angry with myself. I reminiscence of the years I spend as a believer, and can't believe the things I did and the things I said. Although I do not have kids, I did rope my wife into my little world of religion, and was even a bit controlling, forcing my beliefs on her. I feel embarrassment thinking about who I was, but I'm glad I'm not that person anymore. I'm happy for you that you've found your way out, and wish you the best as you continue your journey. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Positivist Posted January 9, 2012 Share Posted January 9, 2012 So I am on a quest for normal people relationships! L2K, if you were a QF woman, wow, I take my hat off to you. As someone above posted, you have a lot to work through--the lies and bondage--but it sounds like you are making great progress! I too was never "allowed" to have "normal people relationships". My friends all had to be fundagelicals like me, even though they made me crazy. It is so exciting being able to have "normal people relationships"!!! My friends are of all different faiths and beliefs but they are NORMAL. They don't speak in a code language that no one can understand. They don't hear voices. We share similar values (the earth, recycling, social welfare, animal and environmental welfare, and so on). We love each other and are good to each other and we help each other (not just pray for each other). It's both exhilarating and a little daunting to know that I am forming valid friendships for the first time ever. We celebrate our humanity over fine food and common interests. I love it! Life is so much better with "normal people relationships"!!! You go girl! The good, human life awaits! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Luv2knit Posted January 9, 2012 Author Share Posted January 9, 2012 Life is spectacular now! It takes my breath away! People are fabulous! I am enjoying my kids and my husband for who they are. Not trying (and fervently praying for them ) to be something I have been told they have to be. Life is so good! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
asanerman Posted January 9, 2012 Share Posted January 9, 2012 I don't want to debate. I don't want to change their beliefs. Beliefs are personal. So I am on a quest for normal people relationships! The journey ahead is unknown and I like it like that! Thanks for listening. My thoughts exactly! I have no time to lose! I've spent enough time and energy swapping the same old tired concepts and perspectives. I've had enough! It's time to move into the unknown with courage and confidence -- I'm adequate for the journey! I have already found that although alone, I am "in" quest together with persons of depth--mature, authentic, open-- breathing the fresh air of liberation and responsibility--venturing nothing less than everything! The past serves to season one with wisdom and compassion for the life long travel! Peace along your way, Luv2knit saner ( An old traveler with a young heart ) 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Luv2knit Posted January 9, 2012 Author Share Posted January 9, 2012 I don't want to debate. I don't want to change their beliefs. Beliefs are personal. So I am on a quest for normal people relationships! The journey ahead is unknown and I like it like that! Thanks for listening. My thoughts exactly! I have no time to lose! I've spent enough time and energy swapping the same old tired concepts and perspectives. I've had enough! It's time to move into the unknown with courage and confidence -- I'm adequate for the journey! I have already found that although alone, I am "in" quest together with persons of depth--mature, authentic, open-- breathing the fresh air of liberation and responsibility--venturing nothing less than everything! The past serves to season one with wisdom and compassion for the life long travel! Peace along your way, Luv2knit saner ( An old traveler with a young heart ) That was beautiful! Thank you! I was just sitting here thinking about the word peace and realizing that since my deconversion I have peace for the first time in my life! I always felt restless before! Always seeking the will of God, it never felt peaceful. Always trying to figure out the meaning of every little thing was exhausting and frustrating. To what end? It was a vicious cycle! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Super Moderator florduh Posted January 9, 2012 Super Moderator Share Posted January 9, 2012 I had the best of intentions at the time. We all did, so don't beat yourself up over it. We just know better now and our "best of intentions" have a real and positive payoff. Enjoy! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SillyString Posted January 9, 2012 Share Posted January 9, 2012 I have peace for the first time in my life! I always felt restless before! Always seeking the will of God, it never felt peaceful. Always trying to figure out the meaning of every little thing was exhausting and frustrating. To what end? It was a vicious cycle! Same here. Always seeking but never finding. I was never able to distinguish my own thoughts from "god's thoughts". Always wondering if I was doing the right thing, and if I was pleasing "god". Now I know those thoughts were mine all along, and I can do what's right because I have the morality to do so, and I don't require some outside invisible deity to motivate me. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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