NEWsong Posted January 11, 2012 Share Posted January 11, 2012 Hi and thank you in advance for welcoming me into this community; I have to say that after having “been a christian” for over 26 years that I could have never conceived of myself writing an “anti-testimony”. I know that I am ready to share it with you though. Like many others that I have read, I was raised in a family who had no particular religious affiliation. My dad referred to God “reverently” as “the Man Upstairs”. My mother was raised by a Catholic woman; her own mother and father separated when she was 5 and she and her two sisters lived with her mom (and several men that her mom “knew”) until my mom was 15. Dad was an alcoholic and gambler; Mom (bless her heart she passed away in September) really had not much more than “us kids” in her life. I had “heard the voice of God” at a young age; about 10 and wrote a “letter to Jesus” fashioned after the 23rd Psalm; showed it to my mom and she said “that's nice dear”. There was so much emotional disconnectedness in our family; love was mainly OBLIGATION to the family. I did not attend church or have any “religious training” at all until close to age 17 when I started to attend a Presbyterian church within walking distance from our home. I wanted someplace to sing after having graduated from high school. I made social connections but never 'felt a belonging' there. The Pastor even called me their “lost sheep”. I knew where I was!!! I was NOT “in” the church but I was NOT lost either; this enraged and sickened me at the same time. I heard “the voice” several times after that with “prophetic words” to confirm that I was “doing or thinking” right and on the “right path”. I did not yet consider myself a christian though. A year later I met my current husband; my First Love, he and I fell in love and dated with every intention of marrying. I had had a “miraculous conversion”; events that brought together many things of interest and people who I had not seen for a while, etc...He and I had some “on again-off again” times in our relationship and when I “gave my life to Jesus”, I told my NOW husband...he was very concerned that I was “showing him the door” when I KNEW that I loved him and would not leave him because I was a christian and he wasn't. He is very much an Agnostic and was “trained by the Jesuits”...I had not yet been SO indoctrinated to DISMISS him or our relationship because of being “unequally yoked”...we were “biblically married” and I loved him...We were tragically torn apart after 4 years; not to see each other again for over 25 years. We both were “lost” without each other. He came back a few times to find me but I was already “involved” with my next “husband”. I rebounded into the arms/bed and marriage to a “friend” who was waiting in the sidelines. He was “a christian”. Married to him for 7-8 years, divorced, no kids. We ministered in churches in music; we both sang and many said that I was "anointed" so this really drew me into further ministry. I was happily single until NO.#2 (literally; an a**wipe; we call him) came along with his daughter. He was a “good Christian”; not like the porn addicted one that I married at first. No, I found out that he is personality disordered and had abused me in nearly EVERY form one way or the other...a “real good christian” eh? I had graduated from college shortly after my husband and my break up happened; I got a good full time employment with benefits and had even already made a 2-week mission trip to France with support of the church that I was attending at the time. All during marriage to No. 1, singlehood-again and marriage to No. #2, I would have DREAMS of my current husband/First Love. Being that I was “a christian”, I felt and believed that I could NOT go back to him; if I were to remarry it would only be to another christian. I nearly left No. #2 a few years after our son was born...I “stuck with it” though he was more controlling and was NOT interested in being held accountable for his behavior toward me by any person or church. I tried to “live a good christian life” in an abusive marriage. I was in denial about still loving my First Love, I was in denial that both Christian husbands had failed miserably at being “any christian leader” in my life and the greatest denial came from CONSISTENT bad advice from “christians” to “not leave” my abusive husband. OH and they threw in “it is a sin” to be thinking about my current husband when I was married to another...argh!!!! My Love is the one who did not deserve to be replaced by two others. He also married twice; knowing and more fully aware that they "were not me" and not in the massive denial that I was still in at the time. Breaking the denial took YEARS and events that I did NOT want to face. I did not want to believe and I did not want to accept as “my life”. It was as if I had been chasing something all my life that did not exist; the elusive butterfly; I would run after it and “call it God”...I was happy. “God” was with me in everything. I finally starting breaking through the denial about the abuse and abusive Christianity and my son and I left and got a place of our own; knowing that divorce would probably follow and I was fine with that since my now EX refused any “sensible marriage counseling” and totally DENIED any abuse toward me. I was DONE. I wasn't praying any longer for his healing, our reconciliation, etc. I accepted WHAT WAS and called it BS!!!! But I lived with my decisions from that moment on; to DIVORCE him and move on...I lived singly and was pretty happy. I had worked through healing from the abuse to detach and find myself again. I was being creative and had written and recorded songs in the church and sang in a classical chorale for six years. I had just started beaded jewelry making and creating vision boards which helped me greatly. I knew that ANOTHER divorce to ANOTHER christian was coming and I even said that “I WILL NOT marry again” but after having written a song for my husband (kind of like a goodbye I hope to see you in Heaven someday song), I realized that I would not marry anyone BUT HIM but that was still not an opportunity. I had DREAMT of him and I being “single” at the same time; even through my “christian filter” I knew that I still loved him. Early 2011, I had a tragedy at my workplace where one of the employees died suddenly. She fell and went into a coma. I sat at my desk and CRIED; cried for her, her family, my workplace and for my current husband; who I was shocked into thinking about; afraid that if I did not get in touch with him that I could “lose him forever” and I was NOT willing to live with that possibility. I looked him up on the web and found that he was single (!!!) and I jumped for joy and that his mother had passed (4 years before but by her age I thought it was about 7 months prior) and I felt that THIS was our chance. Yes, I knew that he was not a christian and I didn't care. I have loved him all these years. I contacted him telling him that I was “still married but divorcing” and we reunited gloriously. He was concerned that I would leave him because he was not a christian and he knew that I had been ALL those years. He came with me to my church and “heard the sermon” and “got preached at” by Pastor...and all I could say was “I LOVED him BEFORE I became a christian”. That was in Feb. 2011. He asked me to marry him, again, and I resigned from my work, relocated and then my son came with us after the end of his school year. We had a wonderful time together but I was “still stuck” in the mythos and all the obligations and “how could I be sleeping in his bed when I am married to another?” and all the horrible guilt provoking thoughts that intermingled with the ecstasy of being with him again... Honestly, I don't know EXACTLY when I became an EX christian. It is not that I do not love the image or man of Jesus; I still think he is wonderful but I understand that God is SO MUCH BIGGER than what I thought and that the christian mythos is just one of A VERY LONG LINE of ways to explain the unexplained/unexplainable. I started to reluctantly watch the Joseph Campbell's PBS series on Myths...awesome. I was understanding that my “little truth” was JUST THAT...LITTLE. I started to read some Thomas Moore “Soul mates” and “Care of the Soul”...I could see that I was “branching out from the christian mindset” because these two names were TABOO and we were NOT allowed to question and think about life, god and ourselves OUTSIDE of the “Jesus box”. I think it was about August...my mom had been diagnosed with cancer, and in hospice care since June. She lived out of state and was in good hands but it grieved me to lose her in September. My sister “the christian” sorely and irrevocably demeaned and disrespected me during this loss and I have no contact with her since. I mourned. Being that she was cremated, her ashes being scattered in another state, my wishes disregarded altogether, I withdrew from my family; my dad (in a nursing home), sister, brother... I talked alot with my husband about this; I cried and was angry that I was “having to deal” with all of this but KNOWING that I had made some very good decisions and I was happy with them and happy where I was at in my life with my First Love. When did I KNOW that I was an EX christian? I think when I could SEE another christian's DELUSION that I was starting to see the denial and delusion breaking down in my life...it felt freeing, it is so odd to even say that but I know that it is true.I know that when my mom died, I no longer could lean upon “I will see her in Heaven” as my consolation. I felt that I had had “heaven on earth” with her as my mom. I don't know exactly "how I got here" but I think that I have wanted to be here (at this place in my life) for a VERY long time. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Blue elephant Posted January 11, 2012 Share Posted January 11, 2012 Wonderfully written story! Sometimes, in times of difficulty, I think about writing on a whiteboard the things that I know are true. For you, this must have been the undying love you have felt for your original love! So good that you have come to this happy point in your life. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Positivist Posted January 11, 2012 Share Posted January 11, 2012 Welcome to Ex-C! Thanks for sharing your story. It seems to be a theme that Christianity steals our first loves and replaces them with the acceptable love (defined by the church, usually). I grieve this too! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
NEWsong Posted January 11, 2012 Author Share Posted January 11, 2012 Wonderfully written story! Sometimes, in times of difficulty, I think about writing on a whiteboard the things that I know are true. For you, this must have been the undying love you have felt for your original love! So good that you have come to this happy point in your life. Thanks Blue!!! I guess that is what perpetuated the denial; thinking that the love I have for my First Love was "given to another" makes me sick! I have reclaimed it and given it back to him now though!!! Welcome to Ex-C! Thanks for sharing your story. It seems to be a theme that Christianity steals our first loves and replaces them with the acceptable love (defined by the church, usually). I grieve this too! Really, I have not heard anything like this before and I am thankful to not be the only one though sorry that you too have grieved this...it is really "beyond" the box that I was "allowed to think in". I think that is when my deconversion really started...when I DARED to think that this could be true...and so I considered it and believe that it IS true...That was about a year ago... thanks! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Positivist Posted January 12, 2012 Share Posted January 12, 2012 I DARED to think..... And that's where we all went wrong! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
NEWsong Posted January 15, 2012 Author Share Posted January 15, 2012 Thoughts on thinking!!!!! Sid Roth is a Messianic Evangelist; a JEW who is preaching to everyone from a Christian/Jewish perspective. He wrote a book of Jews who converted to Christianity and titled it "They thought for themselves" . I had always "thought" that the title seemed fitting and for a Jew to have another "belierf" outside of Judaism, they would "have to think for themselves" but lately I wonder if THEY THOUGHT for themselves BECAUSE of the cultural oppression and they gravitated to where they "FELT" that they had the freedom to CHOOSE...don't know...just a thought. A bit of ranting Many polls of Christian conversions show that most conversions usually are affected or initiated by LIFE CHANGE...I wonder if DE-conversion is also a "product" of having so much going on in our lives that WE MUST LOOK more closely at WHAT the cause of all our stress may be and then when we determine that the abuse is from a C who is judging or "not being nice" and "preaching" at us...I think THEN that we can see that we have finally SEEN RELIGION for what it is. It is to help the "convert" feel SAFE and SECURE in their little "faith" box and everything that doesn't "fit" in the box is disgarded, demeaned, devalued and disresepected.. I have always loved the poetry of Kahlil Gibran. I bought a book of his (the Prophet) and enjoyed it but My EXh (abusive C) "disapproved" of it and threw it away!!! He never admitted to doing it BUT I bought another copy and HID it and I still have it today. I think it is BECAUSE he thought that Cs "should not be reading that stuff"...wtf???? WHAT stuff what HE talking about??? STUFF that HE can't manipulate because it is "not christian"...STUFF that enabled me to THINK outside the faith box and enjoy the beauty that was "not labeled christian".... Even "funnier" is that HE thought and acted AS IF HE had any right to TELL me what NOT to read. Such oppression; all for the SAKE OF FAITH. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
NEWsong Posted January 27, 2012 Author Share Posted January 27, 2012 I really appreciate the "attitude" of this forum. I have looked around on other "Ex and Non christian" sites and find that there is so much bitterness and even hatred toward those "still in delusion"...I guess I don't hate them anymore than I despise myself for having believed that way for so long. I have compassion on them and wish that I had had an opportunity to talk to an EX christian along my path who was able to articulate while minimizing the overwhelming emotion they carry, of WHY they no longer "believed" as they once did. I am surprisingly very happy. It has been 5 months since I realized that I "could no longer mentally assent" to the christian mythos. I had not become bitter or hard but rather, more compassionate and surprisingly again, even feeling pity toward the very ones who prejudiciously stood "against my choice of believes" and called my decision "a lack of faith and due to anger and bitterness toward God or christians". They really do not understand, do they? I went to a church last Sunday to "prove to myself" that I really am NOT a christian anymore. I still felt the compassion and love to others but saw SUCH a display of such fake and insincere and contrived and manipulated "emotion tugging" theatrics...but it was done in IGNORANCE, I believe. I don't know which is worse. Being deceived by one who KNOWS exactly what he is doing or "just being blind and being led by the blind"...it's sad to me in ways. I don't have any desire to "try" to be part of that community any longer. I have "moved out of the neighborhood" and they are only "acquaintances" to me now, even the ones whom I sang and worshipped alongside. My life is really different. I didn't know that it would be this good. I thought (because I knew) that I was secure in what I believed and couldn't imagine NOT having the delusion to "rest for a while" upon...I feel better for KNOWING THE TRUTH now...I am MORE ok with me than before. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
paul34 Posted January 28, 2012 Share Posted January 28, 2012 ... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
blackpudd1n Posted January 28, 2012 Share Posted January 28, 2012 Hey NEWsong, thanks for writing your extimony. it saddens me that you had to go through all that shit at the hands of xtianity, but I am so happy to hear that you are with your first love once more. We don't always get a second chance at lost love. I married a "good xtian man" myself when I was 18. He, too, was an arsewipe. I left after 11 months, and yeah, xtians gave me shit for it, but I have never regretted that decision. That marriage rocked my faith BIG TIME, though it would be another 7 years before I finally deconverted. I am now happily engaged to an atheist, and my fiancee's parents are also atheists. It makes life so much easier! I was particularly relieved when I found out that that my mother-in-law had been married prior to marrying my father-in-law; it was something I worried about, knowng how xtians view remarriage. I reckon father-in-law must have had a good set of balls- he knew mother-in-law in her first marriage, which was to a cop. Back then the cops in that state were kind of a law unto themselves- one of these days I'm going to find out exactly how he managed to pull that off!!! It's good to have you here, and I am so happy that you have broken free and found happiness. There may be rough patches ahead, but it's always better than being stuck in xtianity!! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
NEWsong Posted January 29, 2012 Author Share Posted January 29, 2012 Welcome to the other side. You'll have to rebuild your support structure, and that is really difficult. I've found, as time goes on, that you know, xtians and other religious folks actually have it easy when you look at it in a superficial way. They have such a certainty and prepackaged system. Figuring things out for yourself really isn't even necessary. So easy! But those of us on this board know that we have the potential to be more than that. It is almost like being "born again," in a way Thanks Paul; your words ring true and though in the midst of losing my mom, CHANGES in my life, the "support structure" that you refer to is being slowly rebuilt. VERY slowly due to NOT trusting as easily as I did before ESPECIALLY if the person claims to be "of any faith"... I am happy with my Love, my son, our puppy and other "pets" and learning about me. Amidst abuse, we forget that WE matter. In religion, we had been taught to "DENY ourselves"...though some parts of that teaching can be applied; it has been taken to the extreme and actual denial of SELF ensues, causing us to "lose ourselves" in a VERY unhealthy and "not holy" way. In some ways, I FEEL like I have "been born again"...I feel very blessed indeed. Hey NEWsong, thanks for writing your extimony. it saddens me that you had to go through all that shit at the hands of xtianity, but I am so happy to hear that you are with your first love once more. We don't always get a second chance at lost love. Hi blackpudd1n: Yes, I had to realize that I LOVED HIM and just had to face that I had "given his love" to another. I won't do that again. I married a "good xtian man" myself when I was 18. He, too, was an arsewipe. I left after 11 months, and yeah, xtians gave me shit for it, but I have never regretted that decision. That marriage rocked my faith BIG TIME, though it would be another 7 years before I finally deconverted. I am sorry to hear that you had experience with a "christian abuser". I realized that if it had not been "for my faith", I would not have stayed with him past a few years; in 2003 I began to realize that he was controlling and verbally abusive. I regret that I did not leave then but am glad that FINALLY, I am with my Love, he is awesome. I have two blogs (back to our future and newsong4him...both on blogspot.com) if you would like to read more...not putting the links in...they are "caught" on the web and don't want to have all these connected to each other.) I am now happily engaged to an atheist, and my fiancee's parents are also atheists. It makes life so much easier! I was particularly relieved when I found out that that my mother-in-law had been married prior to marrying my father-in-law; it was something I worried about, knowng how xtians view remarriage. I reckon father-in-law must have had a good set of balls- he knew mother-in-law in her first marriage, which was to a cop. Back then the cops in that state were kind of a law unto themselves- one of these days I'm going to find out exactly how he managed to pull that off!!! Congrats on your engagement and I wish you all the happiness that you can contain and then some!!! My dad was a cop. I started learning at a young age that "possession" and "love" were NOT the same thing. It's good to have you here, and I am so happy that you have broken free and found happiness. There may be rough patches ahead, but it's always better than being stuck in xtianity!! THANKS bp and paul....I appreciate your welcomes and I am happy to be here and VERY happy to be "where I am at" in my life. I don't "feel stuck" by others expectations anymore. What I expect out of myself is MORE important now... 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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