The Same Old Struggle

[Zephie]

I've been a lurker here for a few months but I'd like to post my story if I may with the warning that I like ellipses.

 

I am an only child of two great parents. I grew up in a Baptist church until I was 11, an A/G church until I was 21, a CI church until I was 25, and back again until...well...now. I've no intention of stopping church attendance, at least until I move out of state simply because I live with my parents right now...there's really no other choice at the moment. I have been struggling with my belief in God since I was at least 18 if not before then. About 2 months ago, I had a break down at work that brought about some changes in my life, mainly closing off any relationships that were damaging to me and my attempt at clinging to Christianity for one last time.

 

I do not necessarily want to leave the church or realize that there probably is not a God. The fact is that I just don't know. I can no longer sweep things under the rug explaining them up to nation building with regards to the genocide commanded in the OT nor can I fully understand some of the things in the NT. Socially and politically I tend to be on the liberal side with regards to civil and human rights issues although concerning abortion...well...hope I am never in a position to have to make that decision (guess that makes me pro-choice).

 

My big gripe comes with something that another poster mentioned earlier...perpetual singleness. Whilst waiting on God to bring the right person to be with the right beliefs and one that my parents will approve of has left me feeling left behind. The first man I dated when I was 26 was only interested in the sex then we fell in love but i broke up with him for the parents. The 2nd man simply wanted me to me meet his every need and he was abusive...I was engaged to him for months.

 

I have gone through several deliverance sessions in the hopes that I will be delivered of various things. I've found these to be quite damaging in some aspects such my spirituality (ie: exploration of other faiths). So really I'm not entirely sure what I believe. I want to believe in God and have had numinous experiences and other emotional experiences as well. The main reason that I cling to this religion is not that I stand to go to hell because I honestly doubt one exists but that I would lose my family and friends. I've had my mom tell me that if I don't go to church I will need to move out.

 

There have been some positive things about church for me to be sure. There's a support system and community there for me. I've had some negative things happen to me because I made some bad decisions whilst not going to church. However, I can honestly chalk those decisions up to naivete on my part since all I had known was the church and those were in relationship areas. Trust me a-holes exist within and without the church.

 

In regards to being single, there are things that I believe that most Christian men that I have talked to are against. Dating or marrying someone of another faith (ie Catholic) is out of the question. I'm just not sure that I believe any more. I am searching the internet for both pro and against God resources simply to find information. I've read Dan Barker's book and currently working on John Loftus's book as well. I'm reading works by Karen Armstrong to understand the historical God as well. I'm just confused really and hurt. I don't like lying but see no real alternative. I even still pray for my friends and listen to Christian music...just don't really believe anymore.

[Positivist]

Hi Zephie! Welcome to Ex-C. I'm glad you are reading those excellent books. They really helped me, too. At some point I realized that I needed to make my beliefs match my experiences and observations, which of course is the story of my deconversion. I also had to make a conscious decision about what I was going to actually believe, even though the evidence is incomplete. It's that limbo land of indecision, being tossed to and fro, that is the hardest place to be!

 

Deliverances are pretty traumatizing and can be considered spiritual abuse. Would it be beneficial for you to find a secular psychotherapist, psychologist or counsellor to sort through some of the abuse issues? It sucks to feel "stuck"!

 

Thanks for sharing your story, and again, welcome to Ex-C!

[Margee]

Zephie girlfriend!! Welcome to EX-c! You never have to be alone again my dear. This is a very active forum. Most visit everyday or at least weekly. We totally understand all your concerns because we each came here very lonely looking for someone to talk to and especially someone who would relate to our confusion. You can make this your 2nd home for awhile. Read the hundreds of posts. Every topic you can imagine is posted here!

 

I read so much when I first joined that I thought my eyes would bug out! I relate to your whole story. I was involved in christianity for a long time. I couldn't believe it when I actually started to question my faith.

Here's a couple of sites to keep you busy:

 

http://godisimaginary.com/i14.htm

 

http://whywontgodhealamputees.com/

 

 

We are here for you. You post all your concerns! Just take this slow - it's a very confusing time - you don't have to make your mind up about anything right now........ just read and educate yourself!

 

Best wishes on this new journey...............Sincerely, Margee

[Zephie]

Margee...you are awesome! My dad lost his hand last year and while he praises God to no end; my mom prays for his hand to grow back daily. It is not going to happen. My dad's hand is never going to come back.

[Eugene39]

Hi, Zephie. I understand where you are coming from. When Christianity fell apart, it was like a boat breaking loose from the dock, and it does take some time to start learning to think for one's self, and coming to some conclusions on how to go on with life. Just go easy on yourself as you have a lot to unlearn and a whole world of knowledge that isn't forbidden fruit now. Welcome to Ex-C.

[Blue elephant]

Hi Zephie

 

Welcome to Ex-C. You will find lots of posts here and quite a number will resonate in various ways with your experience.

 

Just a little tip - some members have had their family find out about their change of viewpoint when they least expected it. If you open a new session in Windows Explorer, you can designate that it is a private browsing session. That way your browsing history will nto be kept for other sticky beaks to find!

[Margee]

Zephie, I'm sorry that your dad lost his hand. That is very sad.

 

I figure if jesus could raise the dead back in his day and if he told us (which he did!) that we have the power to do the same works as him....and more........we should have a lot more miracles today then Benny Hinn claiming to heal someone's arthritis!!

 

I once apon a time used to really believe that I was 'anointed' to do healings. I tried 'casting' out certain demons of deafness, addiction, depression, etc....... Seems the best I can do is cheer someone up for a few minutes! I couldn't even heal myself...somehow, I missed the boat getting that 'power' he promised!!

 

List of miracles:

http://www.bcbsr.com...vey/jmrcls.html

[ConureDelSol]

Hey Zephie! I know what you mean about singleness. A few bad relationships makes the whole relationship thing seem futile. I had an abusive boyfriend (though only emotionally) and he pretty much ruined me for anyone else. It seems like every guy out there doesn't want a relationship, he just wants control or sex. It's frustrating.

 

I live with my parents as well and in addition to being stuck for the moment working for the church, I'm expected to go to services. I have, however, given up Christian music and the like. I've come to the conclusion I don't believe in God, but like so many others here, I'm kinda stuck where I am.

 

This site is wonderful and if you ever need to vent or have questions, people here will answer.

[♦ ficino ♦]

Hello Zephie, welcome to this site. I hope you can get your own place before too long. Relationships certainly can break your heart... one other beloved person can also be one of life's greatest points of joy and meaning. Liking someone is maybe even more important long term.

 

It's very hard when an ideology is a big part of the web that knits people to each other, as you say it is with your family and friends. You'll see a lot on this website about how people have handled that.

 

Best, Ficino

[Zephie]

@ConureDelSol Wow I cannot imagine how difficult that is. Thankfully, I work at an office where I can pretty much do as much research as possible with minimal interuption. Until I move out I will definitely have to keep attending services and what not although I've gotten out of Wednesday evening services on the excuse that it saves gas since we live out in the boonies. I hear you about the emotional abuse...my fiance was extremely emotionally abusive. Thankfully, my parents picked up on it although I gather it has a lot to do with the fact that I have a Master's and he's just got a high school diploma that was upsetting him...among other things. There were just so many differences, I feel that I did him a huge favor by calling off the engagement especially since he was feeling stupid all of the time (which he isn't he just believes the crap people told him). However, I cannot/couldn't change him so I left.

 

@Blue elephant Thankfully I do a lot of research at work and my laptop at home is password protected so there won't be any snoopers. My parents have always been really good about my privacy not that I've given them any reason to wonder though.

 

@Eugene39 it does feel like everything is falling apart. There is this strange peace and feeling of ok let's just take it a day at a time.

 

@Finicio Relationships and community have become more important to me after the ending of my engagement than ever. I've read over the past few months how people at Ex-c support each other...which is why I finally posted something.

 

Thanks ya'll

[Thought2Much]

Zephie, I'm sorry that your dad lost his hand. That is very sad.

 

I figure if jesus could raise the dead back in his day and if he told us (which he did!) that we have the power to do the same works as him....and more........we should have a lot more miracles today then Benny Hinn claiming to heal someone's arthritis!!

 

In a debate with a Christian, I brought up the same verse to which you are referring. In all seriousness, the doofus tried to convince me that what Jesus meant when he used the phrase "greater things" was that people like Billy Graham would be able to reach more people than Jesus ever could using modern communications, and the miracles weren't necessary anymore. I've had others tell me that Jesus was only talking to the Apostles when he told them he would do whatever they would ask in his name, and that he didn't mean just any ol' believer like you or me (Gee, I thought God isn't a respecter of persons. I guess that's just one more sorry lie to throw on the pile.).

 

No. No. And No. No matter how anyone tries to spin it, people only say dumb shit like that because they can't actually do miracles. Period. It's a little sad watching people go through the contortions of logic that are needed to make these things make sense.

[Zephie]

When really thinking about the Bible I find myself really considering various passages and some things like faith, justification, etc. Let's not even go into the parts about women, raping, etc. I have read most of the Bible but am going to read the entire thing.