Living In The Dark. Looking The Part

[roadrunner]

I have been on a few forums and I've out bits of my story out there but here it is....

 

My family is made up of preachers, organists, deacons, etc. so there is a deep christian prescence with us. My immediate family however nets out at liberal. My mom is very devout and my dad doesnt give church the time of day. I remember asking him when I was younger "why dont you go to church with us" he responded "when I was your age I was in church every sunday". I didnt think much of it but looked forward to the day when i too knew everything that the preacher was gonna say and had read the bible and reach top status where i didnt have to go to church. dad was a very good husband though he stayed married to my mom. she would call him "athiest" when they got in arguments and he would use phrases like "it that how christians do?" and "is that in the bible?" he never said he was an atheist and I didnt know what it was so it rolled off. I remember watching 10 commandments as a family and hearing dad mumble "what type

of god would do that" when god killed pharohs army at the red sea. again it rolled off b/c those were the bad guys anyways. Moses Wins!!. eventually through pressure and fear I got baptized at 12. You can't hide from god so you may as well jump in right. Anyways dad wwent to the ceremony, and sat quietly in the audience I was just glad to see him there for that and when I had to do the prayer one sunday but other than that, He didnt go. I had a very average childhood the extremes made us incredibly level so we werent over-the top nor were we heathens.

 

FFWD to college and on the outside Im a good guy. Good grades, I dont curse and I dress nice but I do fornicate and drink on occasion so I was going to hell but i never thought about it. I always turned the music in the car down on church property and I I never said G.D. I felt like god was there but I just didnt care to change. As long as I dont piss god off by saying GD or declaring myself an athiest Im in the clear until college is over, then i can go be boring. I lived with a guy who was studying to be a pastor and this lifestyle irritated him and he irriated me. I dated girls that wanted to go to church. we would leave church and go fornicate back at my apartment just to give an idea of how people realistically view christianity.

 

2 years into this I met a girl (now my wif) who was set on not having sex anymore until she was married. This was new for I was up to the challenge because I liked and she was worth it and girls say this all the time. We came close at times but never went through with it becuase I respected her and our relationship was much deeper so I was on board with waiting. we went to church functions, attended all the time, read the bible and grew to another level I had ever been before. 4 years go by and we tie the knot. and we even kept our commitment it was the perfect story.

 

the first two years of marriage was easy. We read our bibles we were very social with church folk and I was listening to ONLY preachers in the car and on TV so I had answers to questions like dinosaurs and the big bang, etc. This was the closest Ive ever been to god. my marriage was thriving. We had a kid, dedicated him to our southern baptist church, and and moved bought a house bc it was closer to church.

 

My career is thriving too but I begin to look at some motivational speakers and this brings a new love of social sciences and I understand a lot more about whwy people act the way they do. Then church made sense, people cried b/c there was sad music playing in th background and they were being told that they didbad things that put this man on the cross. I shared this with my wife and she agreed that the stage is set for guilt and shame. but thats what we were there for, you NEED to realize that it was YOU who did it whit your SEX, PORN, ALCOHOL, ROCK MUSIC??!!?!?!? oh yeah btw anything other than gospel is secular and it is poison that should be handled with care. And wine is bad too so I didnt drink that either. I continued to be involved in the church anyways but it was more to help pull off a good show so more people

could et saved.

 

I was very much aware of when to put my guard up from the world but inside I wondered about the Cosmos, I was always intrigued by it. I learned about the big bang but the big bang didnt coincide with scripture accord to hank hanegraff. I was determined to make every piece of the puzzle fit. Dinosaurs really rubbed me the wrong way. I had ansers for where they went and how they got on the ark but deep down i thought it was absurd. I heard of people turning from the faith and I always thought that the reasons were so shallow. they quested the accuracy of the bible and gods character. My doubts began to crop up at a more basic level...IS GOD EVEN THERE. screw the bible its hogwash if he's not there. So watch debate after debate after debate read lee stroble and all the athiest areguments were things I had heard all my life but chose to sweep under the rug. We all know there is a big fat elephant in the room when it comes to

young earth, dinosaurs, and the cosmos.

 

4 years into marriage we have our seconds child and by this point Im on the fence internally. She hasnt been dedicated yet but only becuase we are so busy with LIFE and CAREERS. I enjoy Discovery and Science channels and it all makes sense and it matches the evidence that I see with my two eyes. Don't tell me there is no evolution and Im looking at australopithicus or however you spell it. That better be adam! but no, creation was 6000 years ago. SO I try to overlook these things but I just cant fake it anymore. I made an internal declaration that I am going to stop making excuses for god to make his story work. then I start reading about the discrepancies in the bible which just add fuel to the fire but Im not turned from god for that as much as I now feel like that WHEN THE BIBLE WAS WRITTEN PEOPLE THOUGHT A FLAT EARTH WAS THE CENTER OF THE UNIVERSE. NO WAY DID THEY GET IT RIGHT. we have hubble and voyager. To be

honest when I took my brainwashed glasses off I looked at the cosmos and thought to myself "That is much larger that the god that I thought was there".

 

I see discovery shows where they have title like is there god. I feel like this is just Christians wining that science is picking apart the very oundation that they live. so to appease they run a biased show just to throw that in the mix. Inside I see how absurd the OT stories are. I find myself now pointing out some OT stories to my wife as "lets not read this becuase god kills somebody". Its truly indoctrination at a young age. I found the web riddle with people bashing christians and Im not there yet. The christian in me makes me feel sympathy more than anything. that they are just like i was afraid to remove

the glasses for fear they will be held in judgement. Also, it looks good as a christian to stand for christ. you get brownie points. Idont want to hurt any people or have a prayer vigil for my doomed soul so Ive just made this internal declaration.....

 

"Based on what i now see with my guard down, i can no longer call my self christian in good faith. I feel that the bible does not accurately descibe what i see in front of me. Therefore, I have to dismiss it as evidence of a creator. Athiesm (as told by christians) holds the rigid, close-minded opinion that I have come to dislike and kept me from seeing the light as a christian. Having said that I have to declare that if god does exist, he or she, does is not accuratly represented in the bible."

Keep in mind my wife is still an old school fundy and it sounds weird to call myself an athiest especially since i go to church every sunday and now writing tithes is painful. I'll even drink a wine everyonce in a while against my wife's wishes. Athiests are after all are who I cried and prayed for in the past. Church services are very empty now and despite the emotion in the place, my heart has turned cold. I hold my wife at church went she fells the spirit and I can bring myself to tell her that I think its all hogwash. My kids are so vulnerable I cant bring myself to tell them that god is there. I can't lie to them but I dont want them to grow up brain washed. Christianity has had to bend further and further to make everything work and thats not what I signed up for when I became one. I thought that through my struggle I would find him and get at least a good testimony out of it but the search came upshort. In a way Im mad at him for not being there. but i think its alot like holding a kids seat when they ride a bike. They do well till they realize you're not holding them and it was them doing it on their own all along. I feel that way. it was just me. on the web i find comfort that Im not alone. I wish there would be an anonymous vote when people could check "do you believe" I think a taggering number of people would leave church but it would never happen bc "god sees your vote" so you have to carry it around inside like I do everyday. (which doesnt make sense bc he know your heart). my hope is one day people will know the truth so they dont have to live a lie.

 

if acceptable Ill use this as a working journal and provide updates everynow and then since Im seeking chances to tell my wife how I feel.If she asks flat out I'll tell her but it so absurd to question an upstanding church guy like me. I admit, I dont read the bible anymore and my prayers are short and monotonous, same old same old. my thought are everywhere as you can see. pray for......oops I mean have me in your thoughts. sincerly a hurt trapped young man.

[Antikristos]

Hello and welcome, roadrunner. I'm a newbie here myself, but this place is an excellent place. I'm one of the fortunates that is not married to a xian, but I can tell you (as you probably already know) that there are a lot of people here who can relate to your current situation. Stick around and share more of your story. You'll find a lot of support and encouragement here.

 

...AK

[midniterider]

I have been on a few forums and I've out bits of my story out there but here it is....

 

My family is made up of preachers, organists, deacons, etc. so there is a deep christian prescence with us. My immediate family however nets out at liberal. My mom is very devout and my dad doesnt give church the time of day. I remember asking him when I was younger "why dont you go to church with us" he responded "when I was your age I was in church every sunday". I didnt think much of it but looked forward to the day when i too knew everything that the preacher was gonna say and had read the bible and reach top status where i didnt have to go to church. dad was a very good husband though he stayed married to my mom. she would call him "athiest" when they got in arguments and he would use phrases like "it that how christians do?" and "is that in the bible?" he never said he was an atheist and I didnt know what it was so it rolled off. I remember watching 10 commandments as a family and hearing dad mumble "what type

of god would do that" when god killed pharohs army at the red sea. again it rolled off b/c those were the bad guys anyways. Moses Wins!!. eventually through pressure and fear I got baptized at 12. You can't hide from god so you may as well jump in right. Anyways dad wwent to the ceremony, and sat quietly in the audience I was just glad to see him there for that and when I had to do the prayer one sunday but other than that, He didnt go. I had a very average childhood the extremes made us incredibly level so we werent over-the top nor were we heathens.

 

FFWD to college and on the outside Im a good guy. Good grades, I dont curse and I dress nice but I do fornicate and drink on occasion so I was going to hell but i never thought about it. I always turned the music in the car down on church property and I I never said G.D. I felt like god was there but I just didnt care to change. As long as I dont piss god off by saying GD or declaring myself an athiest Im in the clear until college is over, then i can go be boring. I lived with a guy who was studying to be a pastor and this lifestyle irritated him and he irriated me. I dated girls that wanted to go to church. we would leave church and go fornicate back at my apartment just to give an idea of how people realistically view christianity.

 

2 years into this I met a girl (now my wif) who was set on not having sex anymore until she was married. This was new for I was up to the challenge because I liked and she was worth it and girls say this all the time. We came close at times but never went through with it becuase I respected her and our relationship was much deeper so I was on board with waiting. we went to church functions, attended all the time, read the bible and grew to another level I had ever been before. 4 years go by and we tie the knot. and we even kept our commitment it was the perfect story.

 

the first two years of marriage was easy. We read our bibles we were very social with church folk and I was listening to ONLY preachers in the car and on TV so I had answers to questions like dinosaurs and the big bang, etc. This was the closest Ive ever been to god. my marriage was thriving. We had a kid, dedicated him to our southern baptist church, and and moved bought a house bc it was closer to church.

 

My career is thriving too but I begin to look at some motivational speakers and this brings a new love of social sciences and I understand a lot more about whwy people act the way they do. Then church made sense, people cried b/c there was sad music playing in th background and they were being told that they didbad things that put this man on the cross. I shared this with my wife and she agreed that the stage is set for guilt and shame. but thats what we were there for, you NEED to realize that it was YOU who did it whit your SEX, PORN, ALCOHOL, ROCK MUSIC??!!?!?!? oh yeah btw anything other than gospel is secular and it is poison that should be handled with care. And wine is bad too so I didnt drink that either. I continued to be involved in the church anyways but it was more to help pull off a good show so more people

could et saved.

 

I was very much aware of when to put my guard up from the world but inside I wondered about the Cosmos, I was always intrigued by it. I learned about the big bang but the big bang didnt coincide with scripture accord to hank hanegraff. I was determined to make every piece of the puzzle fit. Dinosaurs really rubbed me the wrong way. I had ansers for where they went and how they got on the ark but deep down i thought it was absurd. I heard of people turning from the faith and I always thought that the reasons were so shallow. they quested the accuracy of the bible and gods character. My doubts began to crop up at a more basic level...IS GOD EVEN THERE. screw the bible its hogwash if he's not there. So watch debate after debate after debate read lee stroble and all the athiest areguments were things I had heard all my life but chose to sweep under the rug. We all know there is a big fat elephant in the room when it comes to

young earth, dinosaurs, and the cosmos.

 

4 years into marriage we have our seconds child and by this point Im on the fence internally. She hasnt been dedicated yet but only becuase we are so busy with LIFE and CAREERS. I enjoy Discovery and Science channels and it all makes sense and it matches the evidence that I see with my two eyes. Don't tell me there is no evolution and Im looking at australopithicus or however you spell it. That better be adam! but no, creation was 6000 years ago. SO I try to overlook these things but I just cant fake it anymore. I made an internal declaration that I am going to stop making excuses for god to make his story work. then I start reading about the discrepancies in the bible which just add fuel to the fire but Im not turned from god for that as much as I now feel like that WHEN THE BIBLE WAS WRITTEN PEOPLE THOUGHT A FLAT EARTH WAS THE CENTER OF THE UNIVERSE. NO WAY DID THEY GET IT RIGHT. we have hubble and voyager. To be

honest when I took my brainwashed glasses off I looked at the cosmos and thought to myself "That is much larger that the god that I thought was there".

 

I see discovery shows where they have title like is there god. I feel like this is just Christians wining that science is picking apart the very oundation that they live. so to appease they run a biased show just to throw that in the mix. Inside I see how absurd the OT stories are. I find myself now pointing out some OT stories to my wife as "lets not read this becuase god kills somebody". Its truly indoctrination at a young age. I found the web riddle with people bashing christians and Im not there yet. The christian in me makes me feel sympathy more than anything. that they are just like i was afraid to remove

the glasses for fear they will be held in judgement. Also, it looks good as a christian to stand for christ. you get brownie points. Idont want to hurt any people or have a prayer vigil for my doomed soul so Ive just made this internal declaration.....

 

"Based on what i now see with my guard down, i can no longer call my self christian in good faith. I feel that the bible does not accurately descibe what i see in front of me. Therefore, I have to dismiss it as evidence of a creator. Athiesm (as told by christians) holds the rigid, close-minded opinion that I have come to dislike and kept me from seeing the light as a christian. Having said that I have to declare that if god does exist, he or she, does is not accuratly represented in the bible."

Keep in mind my wife is still an old school fundy and it sounds weird to call myself an athiest especially since i go to church every sunday and now writing tithes is painful. I'll even drink a wine everyonce in a while against my wife's wishes. Athiests are after all are who I cried and prayed for in the past. Church services are very empty now and despite the emotion in the place, my heart has turned cold. I hold my wife at church went she fells the spirit and I can bring myself to tell her that I think its all hogwash. My kids are so vulnerable I cant bring myself to tell them that god is there. I can't lie to them but I dont want them to grow up brain washed. Christianity has had to bend further and further to make everything work and thats not what I signed up for when I became one. I thought that through my struggle I would find him and get at least a good testimony out of it but the search came upshort. In a way Im mad at him for not being there. but i think its alot like holding a kids seat when they ride a bike. They do well till they realize you're not holding them and it was them doing it on their own all along. I feel that way. it was just me. on the web i find comfort that Im not alone. I wish there would be an anonymous vote when people could check "do you believe" I think a taggering number of people would leave church but it would never happen bc "god sees your vote" so you have to carry it around inside like I do everyday. (which doesnt make sense bc he know your heart). my hope is one day people will know the truth so they dont have to live a lie.

 

if acceptable Ill use this as a working journal and provide updates everynow and then since Im seeking chances to tell my wife how I feel.If she asks flat out I'll tell her but it so absurd to question an upstanding church guy like me. I admit, I dont read the bible anymore and my prayers are short and monotonous, same old same old. my thought are everywhere as you can see. pray for......oops I mean have me in your thoughts. sincerly a hurt trapped young man.

 

Welcome to Ex-c.

 

Enjoy the different philosophies and religions that are out there. Sample a wide variety. You'll find bits of wisdom in each of them. But don't hold up just one figure as your ultimate hero. No one person or idea has all the answers.

 

Give your wife and children your wisdom and most of all, love. If your view conflicts with their understanding of Christianity then gently let them know you choose to agree to disagree. Use apologetics in your favor. You can make the bible mean whatever you want it to mean. When someone from your family says, "But so and so from the church says that aint so..." you can say, "but is so and so Jesus? No. They aren't. This is the understanding Jesus has given me on subject blah blah." Over time you may be able to pull them away from the sway of fundyism.

[LivingLife]

The journey out can be long or short. Once the path has been set, it is hard to turn back and pretend to believe again. We are here to help. Welcome to the LIGHT.

[roadrunner]

thanks for the warm welcomes. keep in mind that I have not only declared christianity false but any modern religion to me is simply silly at this point. dont look for me to go hindu or buddah or muslim its all hogwash. I never tried anything else but I did chuckle at the silliness of of the other relions as a christians now that the one leg i had left to stand on broke i cant do anything other than say that they are all nothing more than modern mythology and I see religion as a whole in a new light,

[roadrunner]

its a thorn in the side of civilization. I found myself agreeing with hitchens when he says it poisons EVERYTHING. it really does. We preach fire and brimstone to kids to make them fear god at a young age then as they get old they are scared to even question his existence. its my praye.....oops hope that one day. we will know the truth and not have to put up with this. Its a difficult error of time to live in. with new technology we know so much and yet so little. we cant rule out god but we can say based on what we know there is a pretty good chance he's not there.

[Positivist]

Welcome roadrunner! Yes, please keep us posted. There are many people here in a similar situation as you find yourself in.

BTW, I too always kept trying to fit in the new information like evolution. It became increasingly difficult and required increasing mind-bending and cognitive contortions. Glad that phase is over....

Peace!

[Thought2Much]

Welcome roadrunner! I know you've shared bits and pieces of your story elsewhere in the forum. It's good to see the full story.

 

BTW, I too always kept trying to fit in the new information like evolution. It became increasingly difficult and required increasing mind-bending and cognitive contortions. Glad that phase is over....

Peace!

 

I think that phase ended for me when I finally just asked myself, "Why am I doing this? Why am I trying so hard to deny what is clearly reality, and replace it with faulty logic and mental gymnastics? If the Bible is real, then no mental gymnastics should be necessary; the truth should be obvious."

[Antikristos]

We preach fire and brimstone to kids to make them fear god at a young age then as they get old they are scared to even question his existence.

 

This is one of the cruellest parts of xianity...pounding the fear of god and the fear of hell into little children's minds. So many of us went through that...and the fact that churches do this to children is the reason I still harbor a grudge against this religion in all its guises.

[mymistake]

if acceptable Ill use this as a working journal and provide updates everynow and then since Im seeking chances to tell my wife how I feel.If she asks flat out I'll tell her but it so absurd to question an upstanding church guy like me. I admit, I dont read the bible anymore and my prayers are short and monotonous, same old same old. my thought are everywhere as you can see. pray for......oops I mean have me in your thoughts. sincerly a hurt trapped young man.

 

Welcome to ex-C! It's good to hear from you. I'm in a similar situation. Let me know if you find any methods that work.

[roadrunner]

We preach fire and brimstone to kids to make them fear god at a young age then as they get old they are scared to even question his existence.

 

This is one of the cruellest parts of xianity...pounding the fear of god and the fear of hell into little children's minds. So many of us went through that...and the fact that churches do this to children is the reason I still harbor a grudge against this religion in all its guises.

I'm not quite there to hate it yet but I see it and don't like it. I tend to be very persuasive so I think I'd make a pretty good skeptic evangelist when and if I ever come clean

 

[Antikristos]

We preach fire and brimstone to kids to make them fear god at a young age then as they get old they are scared to even question his existence.

 

This is one of the cruellest parts of xianity...pounding the fear of god and the fear of hell into little children's minds. So many of us went through that...and the fact that churches do this to children is the reason I still harbor a grudge against this religion in all its guises.

I'm not quite there to hate it yet but I see it and don't like it. I tend to be very persuasive so I think I'd make a pretty good skeptic evangelist when and if I ever come clean

Seeing it and not liking it is a perfectly reasonable response. Some of us come out of this angrier than others and I definitely used to harbor a lot more hatred than I do now. I can't help this grudge though...the whole fear of god and fear of hell thing being rammed into the minds of children just bothers me. It's really sick. One day I will post an excessively profane rant about it...

[roadrunner]

I'll make a good athiest evamgelist on day but right now I'm simply confined to the computer alone. A fear i have if i were to go public is that everyone would be sad. Id be the talk of the church. I am glad I'm not the only one I thought I was crazy and I'd be found out when the rapture happened and I was still here. Lol. In hindsight that sounds so insane why did I ever believe it. The things we do out of fear. I do think we are pioneers that chose to stop this lie and eventually all christians will give up on this lie. There will be a wave of people abandoning religion one day and will come out of my grave and celebrate that day. Lol.

 

[Zephie]

its a thorn in the side of civilization. I found myself agreeing with hitchens when he says it poisons EVERYTHING. it really does. We preach fire and brimstone to kids to make them fear god at a young age then as they get old they are scared to even question his existence. its my praye.....oops hope that one day. we will know the truth and not have to put up with this. Its a difficult error of time to live in. with new technology we know so much and yet so little. we cant rule out god but we can say based on what we know there is a pretty good chance he's not there.

 

I actually had a conversation with my mom today about fear in religion. She said she got saved because she didn't want to lose her salvation. Apparently there is this massive debate between "once saved always saved" and those who say you can love your salvation. The big issue with this is that it's fear based. Another issue that I have is with the evidence and interpretations in the Bible you could argue either wau. Ugh! Seriously though I love my mom (sorry if I hijacked your thread)

[roadrunner]

So I choked she asked why I move slow on Sundays getting ready for church it was the perfect chance and I frozeup. Today after church I come clean.

[Margee]

So I choked she asked why I move slow on Sundays getting ready for church it was the perfect chance and I frozeup. Today after church I come clean.

 

roadrunner, I am so happy that you joined us here at EX-c. thank you for taking the time to share your story with us. We can relate to so many people's 'testimonies' about losing their faith.

 

Best wishes for you on your new journey. We're here for ya!! Post all your concerns, so many on here, take the time to listen and respond when we are having a bad time. Let us know how this goes as you come out of the closet.

 

Sincerely, Margee

[Thought2Much]

So I choked she asked why I move slow on Sundays getting ready for church it was the perfect chance and I frozeup. Today after church I come clean.

 

Well, if that's what you feel you have to do, then go for it. You're a braver soul than I am if you manage to "come out" all at once like that. Good luck.

[roadrunner]

done. Im out withe my wife. didnt go as well as i hoped but ill elaborate later.

[jdog]

Hi Roadrunner, wow you told her. That did take some courage. It is a shock to your wife, no doubt. I am sorry it didn't go how you were hoping but whatever went down I am hoping it will get better. I am hoping that Love will prevail. It makes me sad that you and others are having to deal with this stuff. I think you did the right thing though and You are honoring yourself by no longer hiding and playing pretend and I think that takes great courage.

[Margee]

Hi Roadrunner, wow you told her. That did take some courage. It is a shock to your wife, no doubt. I am sorry it didn't go how you were hoping but whatever went down I am hoping it will get better. I am hoping that Love will prevail. It makes me sad that you and others are having to deal with this stuff. I think you did the right thing though and You are honoring yourself by no longer hiding and playing pretend and I think that takes great courage.

 

Amen to that jdog!

 

Keep us posted on how you are doing Roadrunner!!

[roadrunner]

I think the reason it didn t go that well because since it was basically coming out all at onc., she felt like I was being fake for a while. So my advice is to lovingly bring up some of the tough questions that you hav with religion to your spouse. My wife is my best friend and I can't lie to her. We tell each other everything and knowing how it impacts her it wasn't really fair for me to go through all of it on my own without her knowing. At first it was more shock than anything and not much was said, heck what do you say. I was beating aroung the bush like never before. I set the stage twice earlier and then flaked out. But I was being so weird she knew something was going on. When it turned to concern I figured I better say something before she thinks I'm cheating.

 

She feels guilty that she failed in her wifely duties and it drove me s from christ . She thinks had she just seen it coming she could have donte something there were a few times she asked what wass it and I shot her weak responses down so fast it wasn't even funny. This is when she realized that she wasn't equipped to handle this one. I had already done the research. She wanted to call the Peter and I made her promise that this was our little secret. A lot of tears were shed and she was there for me BC that was the first time i said something verbally.

[roadrunner]

I just poured it all out. I have my mind made up but I almost wanted to regret saying anything but she said that it would have been worse to keep it to myself. Will elaborate more later.

[roadrunner]

Also that other word in the post should be pastor she wanted to call the pastor..... word prediction sucks

[Thought2Much]

Ouch. I'm sorry it went down this way, but I admire that you were able to get everything in the open. There has to be some relief in that, at least. I hope your wife can come to terms with the information and the two of you can make it through this.

[♦ ficino ♦]

I'm glad that you were able finally to talk about it, roadrunner.