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Goodbye Jesus

My Horror Filled Childhood!


UNITE

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My entire life I have wondered “what is wrong with me?”...

 

I was raised in a fundamentalist evangelical home...both parents ordained pastors. They met in bible college, waited for marriage to have sex and have never consumed alcohol or drugs. They are very compassionate and humble people...married for over 38 years. I grew up in church from day one.

 

Starting at a very young age, I was introduced to the “Thief In The Night” series. Multiple time a year we would view the entire series with people from our church. I had no choice in this matter. I had to watch it every time. I imagine I have seen the entire series at least 10 times. Each and every time it scared the living shit out of me. I never got comfortable watching these HORROR FILMS. I remember begging my mom one time to let me NOT watch it again...I told her I was scared. It was no use I had to watch it.

 

At the age of about 10 I approached my mother and told her “I'm afraid that I'm going to be left behind when the rapture happen.” Her response...”Well that means that your not right with god”... The ultimate conundrum. If I didn't feel at ease with the reality of the rapture I believed I was surely going to be left behind. I was convinced that I was going to abandoned by my family, rejected by god and end up being beheaded by a guillotine. I never once in my life felt secure in my salvation.

 

I can remember coming home from school one day and nobody was home...a rarity. I was terrified. I ran all over trying to find them and ended up crawling under my bed and crying myself to sleep because I had been left behind in the rapture. On multiple occasions I couldn't find my family and I was panicked that I was left behind.

 

I was consumed with the thought that at any moment I was gong to be left behind. I carried a constant weight around with me...I had no piece as a child. I would build secret hiding places in the woods behind our house...Tree houses, deep holes in the ground with a cover, hollowed out spaces in thick brush. My ultimate plan was to get to the coast and float away to a deserted island just like in “Giligans Island”! I was convinced that I was going to be left behind and I was always ready to head for the hills!

 

From a young age I never bought into Christianity. I tried so hard to believe and have faith. I distinctly remember one summer at bible camp. Everybody was lifting their arms up and worshiping during the evening worship service. I was just standing there in the middle of everybody completely “sober” and felt nothing. Why couldn't I get there and surrender to god and believe in him?

 

I figured that I hadn't accepted Jesus into my hear correctly...Every time there was an alter call I went up and re-accepted Jesus into my heart. This never gave me any peace or alleviated my fears of being left behind. I've probably accepted Jesus into my heart over 100 times privately and publicly...desperately trying to avoid being left behind in the rapture.

 

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At about the age of 19 I started to give up on ever having real faith...I opened my eyes to the thought that maybe it was all bullshit. Over the next few years I went in and out of trying to be a faithful christian. In a desperate last plea I told god to show me a sign. I begged him to either strike me with a terrible accident or a horrible sickness that he could miraculously heal me from and prove to me that he was real.

 

Unfortunately I was diagnosed with a brain tumor the size of a golf ball at the age of 23. I was almost completely blind and was rushed into surgery. This was the sign I had been praying for! However , after the surgery the “ah-ha” moment never arrived. I had lost my home to foreclosure, fell into a deep depression and struggled to survive. Fortunately my eye sight had been regained...surely the hand of god!...or science?

 

Over the next few years I struggled with depression and to keep a roof over my head. At some point over this time I conceded that I did not believe in a “god” or that there was no marvelous plan for my life. I struggled with this on a daily basis for years. One of the most releaving moments in my life was the day at the age of about 22 I decided I wasn't going to worry about whether or not I was going to heaven. I was pissed off at god, if he was real why was it so hard for me to believe in him...putting me through so much mental anguish over something that should be self evident.

 

At the age of 26 I realized that since I didn't believe in god there was no point in waiting till marriage to have sex anymore. I had been saving myself for marriage. It took me 2 years of proactive thinking to even be ok with the thought of having sex outside of marriage. After 6 months of going out to bars and approaching over 600 groups of woman I sealed the deal! I lost the “V” at the age of 28.

 

Thinking that all my problems were behind me I pushed forward. I realized that I had to work extra hard compared to my friends to meed woman. I am not an unattractive guy but within minutes of meeting a woman I was attracted to it would all unravel and I was left empty handed.

 

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Today I am 33, single and depressed. I have a very hard time meeting woman, forming close friendships or gaining any real success when it comes to a career...despite MASSIVE action. I have a fear of rejection, abandonment, intimacy and commitment. I can't help but think that it is due to my upbringing and those shitty movies about the second coming of Christ.

 

If you were to meet me personally in the flesh you would probably never guess. I dress fashionably, and reasonably good looking and can hold up my end of a conversation. In spite of all of this I am plagued with depression and cannot seem to meet or have a relationship with a woman. I am lucky to have a few close guy friends that support and encourage me.

 

I worry that I will never get over my fears and end up old and lonely. My mind is constantly trying to find the solution to overcoming my fear of abandonment and rejection.

 

In the last 3 weeks I started to Google stuff like “thief in the night childhood trama”, “Childhood religious trama” and the like. I was amazed to find out that many people had shockingly similar experiences as a child. I feel like I finally understand what happened to me and why my life just isn't working out the way I always dreamed it would and have been plagued with depression, worry and a feeling of being“behind the 8 ball” socially my entire life.

 

My most worrisome battle is in my inability to connect with woman and form romantic relationships...Sometimes it feels like I'll never get that area of my life handled.

 

Today however I came to appreciate just how far I've come and everything that I have overcome. I have made some pretty amazing progress in many areas of my life and for the first time in a very long while I can see light at the end of the tunnel.

 

I'm thrilled that I found this community.

 

Thanks for reading!

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Hi, Unite. Went through some of that in my own childhood - it's terrible. I think the basic concept of Christianity - that we are born unworthy and that we are born evil - is so damaging to being a mentally healthy person. Am glad you are making progress - welcome to Ex-C.

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hi Unite! Welcome to EX-c. I am so glad you found us! It was one of the happiest days of my life also. I was scared and very confused when I joined Ex-c last year.

 

I read your story. Thank you you for sharing this with us. One thing I wanted to ask you is, what is it you are afraid of with the issue of abandonment and rejection? Is it about the rapture they preached to us or is it about finding a nice love relationship with a loving, kind person? (or both?)

 

I hope you continue to stay with us and let us all help you with these very scary issues. You have found a 'home' you can come and visit everyday with your concerns - we will be here for you!

 

Good luck on this journey you are about to take - and you don't have to do it by yourself - We understand your fears and all your concerns!!

 

Sincerely, Margee

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I can empathize, Unite. I was raised pentacostal holiness and they had me scared out of my wits by my early teens. Glad you're here.

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Man those movies are terrible. Know that you are not alone and the people on this site are great and have been through much the same.

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Unite, that is such a sad story of childhood. That's clearly abusive, the religion. So glad you got away from it.

You sound really cool actually. Not sure why you don't have a girlfriend. You are very intelligent in your post, logical, empathetic.

Look up "recovering from a cult" on google. That really hit me, and helped me understand the residual xian garbage.

 

This is a great place to be. So many people that can help. So much to read.

 

The one thing I've learned in life is... You're not the one who is damaged. You are a perfectly fine human being. It's the other peoples nasty baggage that is causing you pain.

It's the getting away from that unhealthy baggage that takes some time.

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Hey UNITE

 

Boy, can I relate to your tale of fear and horror. I too was terrified. I knew I'd be persecuted and thrown in jail for being a Christian. I was seven years old and I was pissed off because I would never grow up to have a career, family and blissful life. I too got "left behind" a few times--very traumatic.

 

Have you tried cognitive behavioural therapy (or another kind of therapy) to get back on the rails? Can you hang out with people of similar interests? I too was a social misfit for years. Knowing me now, you'd never know I was that messed up by my goody-two-shoes sheltered socially secluded life. I have had to overcome a lot and you can too!

 

Keep us posted. We are rooting for you. Life begins!

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Welcome, Unite! I am glad that you are moving forward. Reading your posts I had the same thought as Positivist. I don't know about therapists near you in AZ but maybe there's someone who has experience with people who have a background similar to yours. Also, are there contexts where you get to know women as fellow participants in that context, more naturally than dating/shopping for a partner - like work, social groups, etc.?

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Wow! You people rock!

 

I was thrilled at work tonight checking my phone and seeing everybody's responses! I just can't believe that other people went through what I did. Not just people that never believed but ex-Christians!

 

One thing I wanted to ask you is, what is it you are afraid of with the issue of abandonment and rejection? Is it about the rapture they preached to us or is it about finding a nice love relationship with a loving, kind person? (or both?)

 

I have been a non-believer for 5 years now so I'm not concerned in the least about the rapture. I just believe that years and years of believing that I was going to be abandoned by my family and rejected by god didn't do me any favors in the fear of rejection/abandonment department. I also think that the concept of redemption and not being good enough to get to heaven reeked havoc on my self esteem.

 

My main issue is that when I meet a woman that is attracted to me, within a matter of minutes they lose interest. It's not that I'm boring or can't talk...I solved that issue over the last 5 years. I just have yet to develop a masculine and sexual presence when it comes to my behavior. I tend to get friend zoned quickly. I'm just too nice and not aggressive/sexual enough...and not from a lack of awareness or trying.

 

My parents led me to believe that sex was nasty and to always "respect" a woman...well I adore woman...but my dads definition of "respect" was a lot different than what is required to be an attractive Man and respected man. I love my dad but he is a wimp, very submissive and not a strong male role model. Unfortunately through nurture, I took on his behaviors and it runs deep. I can fake it for a while but eventually the true self shines through and any potential relationship unravels quickly.

 

I've been working to improve by going out with friends and doing my best to be social. I have taken a TON of action in this area of my life. Were talking years of going out speaking with a thousand women. As a kid, dating, dances, being alone with a female or female friends in general were frowned upon. I lost out on a lot of social experiences...I believe I'm at least 10 years behind on the female/male social dynamics developmental timeline.

 

I believed that I will eventually solve this problem through more experience and eventually out grow my old behaviors. I am 10 fold ahead of where I was 5 years ago, I just have a lot of work ahead of me to catch up.

 

Welcome, Unite! I am glad that you are moving forward. Reading your posts I had the same thought as Positivist. I don't know about therapists near you in AZ but maybe there's someone who has experience with people who have a background similar to yours. Also, are there contexts where you get to know women as fellow participants in that context, more naturally than dating/shopping for a partner - like work, social groups, etc.?

 

Hey! Other than meeting women in public I don't really have a good way to meet them through work or hobbies etc...I've just been in such a funk for the last year that I haven't felt like doing anything new or proactive other than going out to bars. I've been thinking about ways to develop this area of my life.

 

I think that I am sharing all of this about my personal relationships because I am curious if anybody out there is suffering on a relationship/social level due to what they were programmed to believe about sex as young Christians and what they did to over come it...

 

I have some strong male friends that are good role models and totally support and encourage me but they just don't get why I struggle so much in this area of my life. Up until the last 3 weeks I thought that maybe there really was something wrong with me on a chemical or genetic level...I am convinced now that there is nothing wrong with me other than bad programming.

 

Thank you everybody so much for your insight and encouragement...I truly appreciate it.

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Welcome! I personally have never quite understood the thinking that you "have" to be with someone. I find my joy in having a companion that isn't human. Having a dog or a parrot around helps my mood considerably. Having a bird has kind of awakened my "motherly instincts" so it gives me something to love and care for. Do you have any pets? Maybe you should consider adopting a dog or cat to keep you company?

 

I'm not saying you SHOULDN'T be looking for women. I'm just suggesting something to do in the meantime. Plus, as a chick, I can tell you that dogs are excellent for meeting and starting up conversation. Plus, you just can't ignore the "cute puppy" factor. I know your problem isn't so much the starting the conversation, but I bet it would help nonetheless.

 

Do you play any games? You would be surprised how many women are into gaming. It can be an excellent bonding point. Honestly, I don't see how you would have a problem. You seem cool enough. Personally, I would rather be able to have a boyfriend that I could also be best friends with. I wouldn't want the whole relationship to be about sex or anything like that. I'd like to have similar interests so we can just hang out together and have a good time.

 

Perhaps you could find a support group in your area? One that is about agnosticism or atheism? You may be able to get help with recovering from the social damage your church inflicted on you. Try meetup.com. Just being able to meet with a group of like-minded people and unload is wonderful and does wonders for self-esteem. Also, I usually don't plug dating sites, but maybe you should try one out?

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Hey UNITE,

 

On the women front, I would also suggest something like match or eharmony. I have had two friend in the last few years get married off meeting someone on match.com. I had a relationship for 4 year with a woman from an online dating site. So it does work.

 

While I don't know about your area, there is a singles group in Saint Louis that focuses on bring single guys and gals together to do stuff. So you are going to do the activity and there just happens to be a few single women along. Sorry can't remember the name right now.

 

You already seem to have touched on "the missing link". When I was dating,and eve now with my wife, things flow more smoothly when you are confident. I really didn't get that at first either. What I mean by that is being confident in who you are. Currently, you are figuring that out. Once you know that it becomes easier to just be you and be confident in being you.

 

Part of what helped me was learning that all that crap from religion is just that. The world could end yes. But it is highly unlikely. You are safe. And your life is and always has been your choice. So Choose and enjoy the ride.

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Rapture, end times theology is one of the ugliest things in Christianity. I've heard people say things like , "Why should I worry about saving gas? The rapture will happen before we run out."

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Rapture talk eroded my ambition to the point where I had no acual guidance for my life - even though I believed God would guide me. One day I'll submit my testimony about all that.

 

Funny thing - I met my wife on a Christian dating site (bigfish.com). She had been thinking she'd find a man able to make a solid commitment, even though he may be religious. And I was! And I committed. Then I eventually broke free of religion, and my commitment to marriage became even more wonderful and meaningful.

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Rapture talk eroded my ambition to the point where I had no acual guidance for my life - even though I believed God would guide me. One day I'll submit my testimony about all that.

Hey Tony

Rapture fear almost ruined my life too. I look forward to your ex-timony. Welcome to Ex-C.

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Funny thing - I met my wife on a Christian dating site (bigfish.com). She had been thinking she'd find a man able to make a solid commitment, even though he may be religious. And I was! And I committed. Then I eventually broke free of religion, and my commitment to marriage became even more wonderful and meaningful.

 

That is so cool, so interesting, and so romantic!

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The rapture end times stuff freaked me out also. I was always worried about whether we would be raptures before all the bad stuff happened or after. Would I be able to endure torture, watching my children being starved and tortured. I was pretty sure I would deny god to keep my children safe. My thoughts would go round and round. I would dream constantly about it. I would have all kinds of dreams about my faith in God, being tormented by demons, but now I have peaceful dreams. It's funny how we think God speaks to us through our dreams. I have come to see that what we struggle over in our waking hours is dealt with by our brains in our sleep. Very interesting. There is a lot of crap to deal with, it takes time. Glad you are here. At least you can come here and talk things out and get support. Welcome.

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Thanks for sharing your story, UNITE. It sounds like you have been through a lot...much more than you probably even realize at this point!

 

While reading through your posts I've been thinking that you might be able to get some help from Marlene Winell. If you google her, she has a website and some books about what she calls "Religious Trauma Syndrome". In fact, if you do a search on the Ex Christian home page (not the forum) she has an article there with that title. It is very eye-opening! She also does some Skype and phone counseling, there is info about that on her website. Just thought that might be of help to you. :)

 

Keep working through these issues and don't give up! You are obviously a very strong person with a lot to offer the world. Glad you are here.

 

~2H

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Welcome, Unite!

 

I have to say, I see a lot of similarities in your story to my own.

 

I wonder how widespread this fear is in rapture-indoctrinated children. I don't think it's something that those who didn't convert would be as likely to confess to. But you're indoctrinated that the christian god is as real, immediate, and present as your parents, even though you see nothing tangible to confirm that. Your parents inexplicably turning up missing IS something tangible, and it was predicted by rapture theology. It happened to me, too. How nice it would have been to not be so conditioned and instead say, "well where'd they go?" at such times.

 

I deconverted in my 20's, but I was 37 when I left my virginity. Like you, it involved proactive thinking. That's a good thing to keep up.

 

Now I am married to a terrific woman and have two children. You got the same childhood script to shake off as I had.

 

It's weird. Trying too hard is a ticket to failure, but if you come from the place we did, you will find the friend zone every time. And women can smell desperation. You have to think of it sort of like baseball. You won't hit the ball every time, so don't worry about it. You don't NEED to hit any given ball. Some balls are not good balls to hit. In fact, if you're not a hit with any given woman, it's a good thing, because you ruled out that woman as a prospect. It's good to be yourself. It helps to be relaxed, make the effort, project interest (lest you fall in the friend zone), and yet not care about the result in any given case all at the same time--and project confidence. Another thing--guys who aren't jerks and nice guys like you and me attract fewer women, but the women we do attract are better women. I guess that depends on what you are looking for, of course, but that's certainly the way I see it.

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Hey all!

 

Thanks for the replies...

 

I did view the "Religious Trama Syndrome" videos from Winnell two weeks ago. They are spot on! That is what really did it for me. That is when I understood what was really going on....with fears of abandonment, rejection, commitment and a low self esteem.

 

@SchackeledNoMore...Yeah a lot of what you say rings very true...

 

At first I figured I was just shy when I was younger then as an adult I realized I had a huge disconnect emotionally and logically about how I felt about about myself. I respect myself and my discipline, determination, and persistance but at some level I don't feel worthy...

 

On a good note every since figuring all this out in the last couple of weeks I have felt lighter and my sense of humor has started to re-emerge! Work has been going great and I'm having some really great interactions out there...all without trying to psyche myself up like I used to have to do.

 

Halfway through my work day I (I work nights 4pm - 4 am) I thought to myself "I'm actually having fun!". That hasn't happened in a very long time...It's like a HUGE weight has been lifted off my shoulders. The question that has plagued me my entire life "What is wrong with me" is resolved. It isn't me, it is the f'ed up information that was fed to me from a very young age.

 

More good news! I exposed my brother, who has also struggled with this, to a few youtube videos and he is on board! Just 2 weeks ago he said he still felt like he wasn't ready to give up on his faith entirely...Today he is a total non-believer! He has been devouring every piece of information that he can get his hands on. It really great to go through this with someone I love more than anything...My little brother...not so little these days at 28 and 6 foot 3 but to me he will always be my little brother...lol

 

We discussed how Christianity is like an addiction and a drug for our parents...where would they be without it. Is it even possible for a person after 40+ years of doubtless faith to be a non believer. My mom is currently on a mission to make her own personal HAND WRITTEN copy of the BIBLE! She spends hours every day copying word for word the bible onto paper.

 

How can an intelligent individual read the bible, cover to cover and never come to the conclusion that its a farce...She is an ordained pastor!...I don't get how intelligent, educated people can be believers! I think that they have build everything on this belief structure and are past the point of no return...People see what they are emotionally conditioned to see.

 

At this point I think I'll just keep my beliefs away from my parents until I come up with a better plan...Thoughts are very welcome.

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  • 3 weeks later...

I had to deal with that as well. I was raised in a Word of Faith/Pentecostal home. When I was about 10/11 in 1995/1996 my mother became a consistant viewer of Jack Van Impe presents. We were left with the distinct impression that the world we were probably not going to make it into the 21st because the rapture would happen. I was terrified of missing the rapture...and to this day, though I'm deconverted, there is still a part of me that has small, irrational panic attacks when I call out for my Christian relatives and they do not respond.

 

If anyone is interested I did a youtube video on it (in response to the very much missed LovingDoubt.)

 

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Skepticktok, I'm so sorry that people made you feel so scared when you were so young. That's a horrible thing to do to a kid. I thought I was the only one who panicked as a teenager when I couldn't reach my church friends, but you'll find that a lot of us were like that--living in fear of divine wrath and judgment while parroting how we luvvvvved God and whispered internally Jesusohpleasedon'tleavemebehind. Here are some good thoughts for you today.

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