What's The One Bit Of Christianese You Never Want To Hear Again?

[♦ Fuego ♦]

"God must have had a reason", and this from people that claim to have him living inside of their own bodies. What, you have a living thriving relationship with Jesus, but he won't talk to you other than to "convict" you for looking at that girl for more than 3 seconds? So much of Christianity is made up on the fly so that they don't accidentally doubt or seem to be doubting, because daddy might get angry and burn them alive. Thus we have horrible tragedies befall believers, but we hear "God must have wanted another angel" "God is still good" and more.

 

What happened to "If you believe, you will receive whatever you ask for in prayer."

Oh, I'm sure God had reasons. His ways are higher than our ways, and his thoughts higher than our thoughts...

But wasn't that a promise?

Well, you don't give your child everything she asks for, so God doesn't give us everything either.

Including healing my husband, when no doctor can? What could possibly be wrong with that?!

Who are you, O man, to question God? Shall what is formed say to the potter, "What are you doing?"

Who do I have to be? He gave us promises and then renigs on them. Bah!

Well, it's clear that your heart is hardened against the Lord. This must be why...

 

and so on.

 

Oh, and that damned sticker I see on so many cars around here: "Only God." I want to make one that says "Only Zeus." or something like that.

[Positivist]

"Did you turn it over to God?" or "Have you prayed about it?"

I had a visceral reaction to this: "Have you prayed about it?"

 

OM^FG. Like that'll help anything.

[Positivist]

"God must have had a reason"

It's secular counterpart is "Everything happens for a reason". I once denied this myth at a public fundraising dinner and you should have seen the looks on peoples faces and heard the forks clatter to their plates.

 

Priceless.

[JoeCoastie]

"God must have had a reason"

It's secular counterpart is "Everything happens for a reason". I once denied this myth at a public fundraising dinner and you should have seen the looks on peoples faces and heard the forks clatter to their plates.

 

Priceless.

I hate that piece too. It really just works with the saying "All's well that ends well." When things don't go the way they want and they end up happy anyway they just believe its God's plan. In reality you could end up happy with all kinds of various circumstances. "I didn't get into Yale, but I went to Ohio State and met my wife there. It was God's plan all along."

[♦ ficino ♦]

I hate the way the words "just" and "Father" are way over-used in prayer: "Father, we just kneel before you, Father, and we just pray that you just (add a petition here), Father..."

[London]

I hate the way the words "just" and "Father" are way over-used in prayer: "Father, we just kneel before you, Father, and we just pray that you just (add a petition here), Father..."

Or how father is interchanged with god or the priest.

[ConureDelSol]

"God never changes."

"God will be the judge of you."

"Jesus said 'Ask and you shall receive'..."

"The LORD is righteous and merciful."

 

Tell that to all the people he slaughtered out of petty jealousy in the Old Testament.

[Foxy Methoxy]

People speaking of binding demons and binding spirits is another one I can't stand.

[ConureDelSol]

Or

 

"In the name of Jesus Christ (insert command here).."

 

and

 

"I rebuke you/this in the name of the LORD!"

[London]

People speaking of binding demons and binding spirits is another one I can't stand.

 

I bind you nancy

[Foxy Methoxy]

Bwahahahaha!!!!

[Chikirin]

"I encourage you to _____ "

 

This means you better do ____, or else.

 

 

...sign up for the weekend retreat

...pledge an additional love offering

...invite neighbor to the Xmas cantata

 

etc.

 

It isn't really encouragement at all, it is persuasion and peer pressure, not encouragement.

[Positivist]

I hate the way the words "just" and "Father" are way over-used in prayer: "Father, we just kneel before you, Father, and we just pray that you just (add a petition here), Father..."

Or, people who get the names all jumbled up to sound even stronger:

"Father God Lord Jesus we (just) come before you God. Spirit of God Lord Jesus, Father, we (just) pray that...... Holy Spirit Jesus, we (just) come to you now Father Lord."

 

This has always made me crazy.

[Zephie]

I hate the way the words "just" and "Father" are way over-used in prayer: "Father, we just kneel before you, Father, and we just pray that you just (add a petition here), Father..."

Or, people who get the names all jumbled up to sound even stronger:

"Father God Lord Jesus we (just) come before you God. Spirit of God Lord Jesus, Father, we (just) pray that...... Holy Spirit Jesus, we (just) come to you now Father Lord."

 

This has always made me crazy.

 

Did you ever count how many times someone said it for fun? It's hilarious

[Positivist]

I hate the way the words "just" and "Father" are way over-used in prayer: "Father, we just kneel before you, Father, and we just pray that you just (add a petition here), Father..."

"Father God Lord Jesus we (just) come before you God. Spirit of God Lord Jesus, Father, we (just) pray that...... Holy Spirit Jesus, we (just) come to you now Father Lord."

Did you ever count how many times someone said it for fun? It's hilarious

No, but I will now! The trouble will be not snickering.

[London]

Or, people who get the names all jumbled up to sound even stronger:

"Father God Lord Jesus we (just) come before you God. Spirit of God Lord Jesus, Father, we (just) pray that...... Holy Spirit Jesus, we (just) come to you now Father Lord."

 

CATHOLIC MASS FLASHBACK!!!!!!

 

<runs screaming from the room>

 

<pant, pant, pant>

[lunaticheathen]

"You don't believe because the Spirit has convicted you." Or "my words have convicted you in the Lord", any variation where they use "convicted" to mean I really believe it, but am just being contrary.

 

No, I'm peeved, because you're stupid and annoying, not because a spook made me know in my heart that I'm wrong. I just want to punch you in the face to make you stop talking. BECAUSE YOU'RE AN IRRITATING SHIT.

[mymistake]

People speaking of binding demons and binding spirits is another one I can't stand.

 

 

But how else will you get over a cold or flu if you don't bind the spirit of that illness? Seriously I have a few relatives who think that way - no exaggeration at all. My mother feels guilty if something bad happens in life and she forgot to pray that it wouldn't happen. She will apologize as if she is responsible. "Oh I'm so sorry I forgot to pray that it wouldn't rain today." Yes, she binds demons too.

[Coconutz]

What's bugged me for ages is the word "fellowship". If there was ever an invitation to someone's house for "food, fun, and fellowship", that pretty much solidified the fact that somewhere in the course of the evening there was going to be a Bible study or sing-a-long or something like that. Even when I was a Christian I tried to avoid accepting invitations that contained the word "fellowship".

[MostlyOverIt]

I hate the way the words "just" and "Father" are way over-used in prayer: "Father, we just kneel before you, Father, and we just pray that you just (add a petition here), Father..."

Or, people who get the names all jumbled up to sound even stronger:

"Father God Lord Jesus we (just) come before you God. Spirit of God Lord Jesus, Father, we (just) pray that...... Holy Spirit Jesus, we (just) come to you now Father Lord."

 

This has always made me crazy.

 

Ha! You must be recovering from the same (or very similar) denomination as me!

 

One of my personal pet peeves, and there are many, is giving god credit for human accomplishments... Praise the Lord I passed my exam. Or Thanks be to God I've lost five pounds in the last two weeks.

 

And... A while back a cousin of mine came across a terrible car accident that nearly killed four people. His response upon telling the story was, "It is no coincidence that they lived. They were all Christians." Seriously, if god was all powerful and all loving then why did they get into the terrible accident in the first place?

 

Another one... (now I'm on a roll) popular with my mom and sisters. "I just hate doing the dishes, so glad God invented the dishwasher." Seriously? According to them all modern technology is from god, and they're thankful for all of it. Praise the Lord.

[London]

And "leadership" in any xian context. Just makes me feel creepy. Like someone is going to corner me in a dark cellar and read me verses under a bare bulb.

[Skepticktok]

The word "annointing" *shudders.*

[MostlyOverIt]

The word "annointing" *shudders.*

 

Total agreement on this one. This one actually scares me.

[London]

"body of christ"

 

"the body and blood of christ"

 

Could this be why I'm vegetarian???

[Positivist]

"I just hate doing the dishes, so glad God invented the dishwasher." Seriously? According to them all modern technology is from god, and they're thankful for all of it. Praise the Lord.

Bahahahaha! That's hysterically funny! Thanks for the chuckle.