katesearches Posted February 15, 2012 Share Posted February 15, 2012 So.. I've come a long way. I'm essentially the black sheep of the family. I'm not Christian anymore. I didn't go into the same occupational paths as the rest of my family, or anything considered acceptable from my family perspective. In multiple aspects, I'm seen as kind of a "failure" by my family. But I've overcome all this. I've overcome the whole acceptance thing. I don't expect them to accept me for who I am anymore. I live apart from them. I live my own life. When I do visit on holiday, I attend service for their sake. I guess I've overcome the hardest part. It still is hard sometimes knowing that I can't have a real relationship with my parents. We have an OK one, but i feel we can't be "real" since we can't really talk about things, such as me not wanting to be Christian, without them getting upset/critical or even being open to talk about and understand what I want. But still... I'm in a good place in life. I went to a decent university, an Ivy league, and have a good job, even if they don't like it. It took me a LONG time, but I'm sincerely happy with my life and how far I've come. There are days when I feel sad, but there are also good days when I feel hopeful and optimistic about the future. There is something that still hurts me a lot. I have a sister, who became the default golden child of the family. She learned to do things to please my parents who then heaped lavish praises on her all the time. Lavish praises I never got. But even with all that attention and love from my parents, she's also really spiteful. I feel like she is, at least. I don't even have the energy to be mad at her really. There is some deeply buried resentment. It's cool she wants to do everything to please our parents, but I feel she also does things out of spite. I tried pointing this out to them once (bad mistake, never again), but they just defend her and say I should be nicer. So I just dropped this issue. By spite, I mean that she always has to have the last say. My parents and I will be discussing something neutrally, and she'll jump in and say something really rude, something that I did "wrong" by not "obeying" my parents/what they wanted (a recent example: by saying things like "you're the one that acted recklessly by wasting mom and dad's money by doing _ major in college.") What do I say to that? Yes, it's true, I pursued the major I wanted. But how was I acting recklessly? Im thankful for my parents for raising me through high school and helping me get where I am. But I paid my own way through college thank you, so I have the personal choice to choose my major, even if everyone else in the family did another path, and I did NOT act recklessly by choosing to do something I love. I'll try saying that neutrally, but she'll get mad and say some more hurtful things, that end with wild , emotionally charged accusations such as "you're an ignorant fool! _ major is impractical, how can you be so stupid". I'm a very emotional person too, but I don't know how to respond to things that are so twisted like that. A lot of what she says has basis, such as the fact the major I chose is impractical, but she always tacks on some kind of spiteful remark. I also have to admit. There is an element of jealousy. from me. I am a little jealous of my sister for all the attention/approval she gets from our parents. I'm also jealous she got into my dream school with tons of scholarships. But still, i treat her courteously, and am kind towards her. It's normal to be jealous at times. As long as it's not to an unhealthy extent, I think it's fine. And I'm admitting I am jealous at times, too. But then she starts acting all spiteful like this, and I feel resentful towards her. Shell also make comments about how the school I went to is mediocre. Compared to her school, Yes... it is mediocre, but it's still a really great school, in my opinion. There's the whole religion thing. But then there's the sibling side to it that makes it worse. I've finally come to a place in life where I accept who and where I am, and my relationship with my parents. But then she has to rub it in more with this education thing. It makes me upset. Sorry for the rant. Would appreciate insight on how to be a "bigger person" and how to develop stronger/better relationship with parents despite the christianity wedge between us Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest wester Posted February 15, 2012 Share Posted February 15, 2012 Hello, I have some similar difficulties. By objective standards my entire family is a failure, but they deny this and project their problems onto me. I now have a fake relationship with my mom. She pretends she doesn't have total cognitive dissonance from her addictive attendence of church with a bunch of redneck freaks who tell her week after week that (me) her son is a failed sub-human sinner who will be surely be tortured in hell for eternity - and at the same time sort of, kind of pretending with me that my secular life surrounded by Buddhists is not a major trauma. She was fine for many years, but when she hooked up with this new church she started consistently evangelizing me, suggesting prayer every time I talked with her, sending left-behind emails, forwarding James Dobson child rearing tips, mailing insulting Dave Ramsey books that drop bible verses every 2 paragraphs, introducing urban legends about fake Christian George Washington quotes...and on and on...She prefers her waky church 'friends' and this kind of odd 'communication' to a genuine relationship with her own son. Now when she says "I love you", it sounds like an insenciere, weird, maudlin sales pitch to guilt trip me back to church. When I try to suggest doing something different, she will roll around on the floor and scream until she gets physically sick. No kidding. I finally told her to cool it, which improved things but now it's all plastic and superficial. This has caused no end of trauma for me. And I tried to defend my brother from some of the emotional injuries dished out by my parents and grand parents, but he didn't want to hear any of it. He prefers the Stockholm Syndrome in the service of "honoring" mother and father. Being a bigger person may mean that now you have to form a thick skin and learn to tolerate self-indulgent behavior from your family. You have to "be the adult" ,which is totally unfair. Building a stronger relationship may mean that you have to be more patient and understanding with people who have an exclusionist ideology of "I-know-better" superiority and who have no interest in being patient and understanding with you. Not an easy road. Best of luck. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
older Posted February 15, 2012 Share Posted February 15, 2012 Perhaps your sister is jealous of you. You are the one who is free, pursuing your dreams, and living life on your own terms. You seem happy in many ways that she is not. She is the one who is oppressed and under the thumbs of your parents. Frankly, you are the lucky one. Consider, too, that your sister may be suffering from depression or some other mental illness. You are not responsible for that and it's not your role to try to cure it. You asked for insight on how to build a stronger and better relationship with your family. It's certainly understandable that you want to be on good terms with people you love, or want to love. But the reality may be that it is as good as it's going to get. You obviously know that the only thing you can control is your own mind and how you think about and react to events. And that some things just have to be off the table. You may just have to confine your conversations to the weather and what's on sale at the mall. And you can refuse to have conversations with your sister when they devolve to hurtful comments. Just gently say that you are sorry she feels this way and then calmly get up and walk away. While she may not change, you can control the extent of the dialog and how you react to it. Keep us posted. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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