I Can't Move On.

[Guest ChristineE]

My profile description says:

I'm a very troubled person who has been influenced too much by God. I don't know how to get away. Seeking Atheist mentors only helps for a little while. When they leave I'm alone with my thoughts and I come back to Christian chat rooms and such. Like how rape victims sometimes become prositutes. I don't know if Anyone can help me. I don't know if I can even help myself. it's worth trying. I repeat this story until the telling of it no longer affects me. It's strange... A year and a half ago a man named Macolyis came up to me and tried to witness to me.he lived.God saved his life because he converted. He lives as a soulless witnessing-machine now. It was a wierd relationship. He would tell me I was nothing to God and all my good deeds were "like filthy rags". But then once I was crying, and I believed it, he told me I had a little value ecause at least I hated myself. Like somehow hating myself was a redeeming quality. I just want to get away. Why is that so bad? get away from things Mac said to me, get away from the things he made me think. Be able to say, "I'm not afraid anymore and I have somewhere I can be" Somebody, somebody please comfort me.

 

It's been at least a year and a half since I met Mac. It's going on two years. I will not sugar coat this or try to excuse my part in this disaster. The relationship we had was unlike anything I've ever heard of but I guess it's happened before somewhere in history. We met because I was a stupid teenager intent on gaining attention/sympathy from an entire Christian Virtual World space on Second Life. My reasoning was having struggled some with my Christian church in the past, and bearing all Christians a grudge, I felt it was okay to lie to Christians for the lolz or for the sympathy or for the mere fact that I didn't like them. Mac was by far the most radical guy there. A raving lunatic in fact. He did abuse me. He told me he was just like me until he got struck with liver failure, converted on his deathbed, and recovered. Then he went to a priest and got anointed. He told me something similar would likely happen to me.This scared me, and besides, I'd actually bonded with him a little bit after having spent so much time with him. ( even if the entire month or two we'd known each other at that point was all based on lies) So bit by tiny bit I confessed that I'd been trolling him, and slowly began to reveal true personal details. Real personality, fake persona, didn't much matter to him. He kept right on preaching at me. We entered a cycle in which he would tell me all sorts of terrifying things that God was capable of doing to me until I bent and believed that I had done wrong and believed that bad things were going to befall me, and became distraught. He'd then turn the conversation around completely, praising me for my display of distress and telling me that this was the first step to purity. I grew INTENSELY attached to Mac somehow. I think I needed to go through that cycle more than he needed to initiate it every single night. I became immensely depressed after a while. I experimented with cutting (It didn't help a bit so that didn't last long) and comforted myself with rather unrealistic plans to call my best friend up from California so she could be with me and "see me off" so to speak as I downed a bottle of pills.

 

Eventually a friend of a friend introduced me to an Atheist mentor. He had a huge heart. He's one of the nicest guys I know. And for a long, long time he tried his best to keep me away from Mac. I lay on my bed in front of my webcam on Skype with him and sobbed my heart out every night. To be honest, that helped greatly. I was able to stop believing the things Mac had told me. I no longer got upset when he berated me. The cycle stopped working. It still doesn't work, even though sometimes I actually wish it did. (stupid, I know. People do crazy things....) Even now I go to a certain Christian chat site very frequently. Sometimes I tell this story to an Atheist who usually gets banned from the chat before he can even hear all of it. Sometimes I passive-aggressively argue with Christians. Sometimes I ask a Christian for actual emotional help. Eight of ten of them tell me the same things Mac did (big surprise) and the other two just tell me they'll pray for me. Obviously that does nothing. My Atheist mentor introduced me to a friend of his, also an Atheist. His name is Mr. Spann. Mr. Spann is a very intuitive person. He knew me for all of a week before he was able to tell me exactly what issues I was dealing with. I hadn't even talked about them before. I was shocked that somebody was able to see the whole story, including the part I played to screw my life up. I was embarassed, ashamed. Mr. Spann responded with tolerant indifference. Since my mentor doesn't have internet for the time being it's more or less fallen upon Mr. Spann to hear my deepest thoughts. I don't envy him. But he knows all my secrets now.

 

Sometimes I am still afraid that God's going to kill me, and not a day in the world goes by when I'm not upset by this whole ordeal. People don't understand what it's like to fear something that might not even exist. And of course I have to live with the fact that in part, this whole fiasco is my fault. I started trolling him. I chose to stay around once he started preaching. I kept going back for more. I don't really have a right to complain at all. But I want to. When people tell me I'm the victim and it's not my fault, I'm happy they think that but I can't believe them. When people tell me I'm just melodramatic, histrionic, and whiny I want to strangle them, but only because I think they're right. I don't have the right to feel bad, but I do.

 

And now I'm here because all the Jesus talk on the chat room is starting to wear me down. I haven't seen Mr. Spann in a few days. What's the point of having a mentor now anyway? I'm certain I've told someone this exact story 50 times this month. No matter who I reach out to, no matter who I talk to, talking doesn't help. I have to somehow initate the process of healing myself. And I don't know how to. Not that I haven't tried. I'm tired, I'm worn down. Most people don't get it, and the five or six people I talked to that have (Mr. Spann among them) somehow can't help. It must be something I have to do for myself. And I don't know how. Will there ever come a day when I no longer want or need to bemoan my circumstances? Will I ever get over it? Who knows?

[mymistake]

People don't understand what it's like to fear something that might not even exist. And of course I have to live with the fact that in part, this whole fiasco is my fault.

 

Actually that sounds like my life. I have feared things that might not exist. It was partly my fault.

 

I started trolling him.

 

Well please don't troll us. Can you turn over a new leaf? Start building new relationships through honesty and maybe you can get a fresh start. I hope you do heal yourself.

[Guest ChristineE]

Well please don't troll us.

Well of course I'm not going to. I hope that was a wry joke.

[Guest ChristineE]

I don't troll my mentors or anyone else. I don't even troll Mac anymore. Honestly, was that needed?? I came here to deal with you honestly!!

[Voice]

It takes time. I was only an xian for 3 years and it took 10 years to recover. No easy road.

[mymistake]

I don't troll my mentors or anyone else. I don't even troll Mac anymore. Honestly, was that needed?? I came here to deal with you honestly!!

 

It was a request. I even said please. Honesty sounds very good; very good indeed. The first step to recovery is just keep breathing. But maybe you need to be your own mentor. What do you think you need right now?

[Guest ChristineE]

I'd say, "To be loved and held and reassured" but that wouldn't look good, would it?

[Galien]

I too have met your friend Mac in Second Life and he is a raving nutcase. Honey the virtual world is full of nutjobs who will tell you both exactily what you want to hear and things you don't. Stop trusting people, and PARTICULARLY don't trust people in Second Life.I have been in there a month shy of two years and I have never met a sadder pack of personality disordered whackjobs in all my born days, and that includes the christian church

 

I hae been deconverting for a couple of years now and it is a long and convoluted road. Although I don't have the faith anyomore I cannot seem to divest myself of the principles. Anytime you want to talk feel free to message me.

[mymistake]

I'd say, "To be loved and held and reassured" but that wouldn't look good, would it?

 

No need to worry about appearances. Everybody needs to be loved and held and reassured. I try to provide that to my kids. It must suck if you didn't get it enough from the people who owe it to you. Sorry to hear that. Well I can give you a virtual hug. *hug* But that probably doesn't help.

 

If it is of any help to you the way I have been growing since leaving Christianity is to try to figure out how to solve my own problems. Seeing how God doesn't exist my problems are up to me to solve. I have to fix them or else they won't get fixed. Your milage may vary of course.

[Deva]

You are confirming one thing I have known for some time - the dangers of Second Life. I have never been on Second Life and don't intend to. I have already experienced the loss of a 15 year friendship over this. Eventually all my former friend could do was talk about this place- it was more real than "real" life. It can't be good. When I expressed my honest opinion - well that was the end.

 

You would be well advised to stay out of it.

 

It is as Gailen said:

Honey the virtual world is full of nutjobs who will tell you both exactily what you want to hear and things you don't. Stop trusting people, and PARTICULARLY don't trust people in Second Life

 

It seems like you are caught in a destructive cycle and need to break out. What I would recommend to start is --No more "mentors". Stay away from people who say that you, or humanity in general, is "evil." Shut down the computer, phone or whatever. At least for awhile.

 

I hope you don't start cutting yourself again. If you ever start doing it again, I recommend professional help.

 

I have one more thing to add. You say you like " a few nicer pagan gods", why not focus in on them and drop Christianity?

[Margee]

Christine, I am so sorry you are going throught this confusion. I agree with the others.....'if you don't want to get run over by the train - - stay off the traintracks''! Unfortenetely, you are still caught in 'believing' and 'non belief'. Kind of like coming out of the closet and it's hard.

 

One thing I have leared for sure in my own life......there are no saviors....magical or humans. I wanted a 'mommy's' lap to climb up on my whole life and tell me it's all going to be OK. I wanted 'daddys' love from somewhere, including the men of the world who would make me their princess forever. I wanted a god to assure me that I was loved. Being told by the bible that I am like 'filthy rags' is not love to me.

 

It took me many years to get out of 'la-la' land. Yes, it is wonderful to have mentors who encourage you on your journey. But you are the one who has to discover who you really are and what you will believe and accept because it 'resonates' with you in your heart. You must be your own 'savior'. Sad-but true. But it also feels real good to run your own show!! Don't cut yourself - cut out all the bullshit that people try to force on you!

 

Take back the power that the whole world stole from you! Think for yourself! Read a lot of stuff on these forums. You'll get a lot of good direction from the sincere people on this site.

 

Best of everything for you!!

[jackbauer]

Ugh, it sounds like he's a Calvinst. They are the most abusive when it comes to "good news". Not that Christianity isn't abusive (god loves you, but you're going to hell if you don't obey), but the Calvinists are the most direct about it.

 

http://atheism.about.com/od/whatisgod/p/AbuserAbusive.htm

 

That's a good article that helped me see the true colors of the faith. It sounds like you already know it's abusive, but this shows the horrifying parellels.

 

Another thing that helped me was realize was how ridiculous it is for an all powerful god to get so upset over what his creation does. I have sexual urges, why does that automatically make me an enemy of god? How am I hurting anyone? It's just so ridiculous.

[ConureDelSol]

I think you probably already know this, but you seriously need to stop going back to those Christian chats! The more you go to these sites, the more you open yourself up for another mental beating. Also, you seriously need to get away from Mac. I understand this is difficult for you and I can't imagine how you feel right now, but getting away from it all should be your ultimate goal right now.

 

Your biggest fear is the "Wrath of God" right? Well here's something to think about: Notice all the millions of people worldwide who do NOT follow God. There are atheists, Buddhists, Hindus, etc. and they lead fantastic lives. They are happy and often die that way. If there was really a "Wrath of God" wouldn't every person in every non-Abrahamic religion have horrible things happen to them? That's not to say there aren't some miserable people in this world that have diseases and such that fate and genetics gave them. The point is that there is nothing to fear.

 

Please don't be a stranger here. This site has been an amazing help with my recovery from Christianity and I think it would help you too. Perhaps you should write your thoughts out on a blog? I find that sometimes that can help with getting out any depression or anger. You have an amazing tool as well, an atheist mentor. Be sure to use it to its full extent! Some people here have group therapy sessions on Skype with a woman who helps people recover from religion. I'll post the site for it if I can find it.

[Zephie]

I agree with previous posters. Don't go to those chat rooms anymore. This site is an excellent way to help recovery from xtianity. The people here are wonderful and will help you think and work through things. You are not a lone. We have all struggled and are still struggling to deal as well. Welcome to Ex-C!

[florduh]

Patient: "Doctor, I keep getting bumps on my head when I hit it with a hammer."

 

Doctor: "Have you thought about NOT hitting your head with a hammer?"

 

If you can't keep from exposing yourself to toxins, please get help. Brainwashing can cause lasting damage; quit seeking even more of it. Get professional help, really.

[Xerces]

You should ditch the chat rooms, mentors, and second life altogether. And you should find a good professional counselor and also look into finding a full or part time job to occupy your time.

[Galien]

I do agree with what other people have said, but I also understand obsession. Not everyone has a brain that keeps jumping the tracks and keeps you doing the same thignover and over and over again with the same alarming lack of results or resolution.

 

The truth is that the answers are in you. EVERYTHING people know about god they know because they read it in the bible or someone told them about it. We have no way of knowing any of this stuff is true. Mac is terrified of god, and it is fear that clutches at the mind of the obsessive and drags us back time after time what if? what if? what if? We can't let it go, it is like a poison that invades our mind dragging us back to the neverending question(s) that burn in our mind.

 

I have had to accept there are some things I will never know for certain, like wether god exists or not. What I do have to go on are my 51 years of living life, and particularly the time I spent in the church. After circumstances peeled the fear off me after a suicide attempt I was able to take a dispassionate look at christianity. The first thing I noticed was that even though I had always believed as the bible says we become more of christ and less of ourselves, that was not my observation. Nice people stayed nice, assholes stayed assholes. FIrst chink in the armour. Then god promises us not to give us more than we can take. So why did I know people who had committed suicide because it was all too much. Why did so many faithful christians die such hideous deaths from cancer? Why was the church organisation no differnt from any other? Why were the power games and self centredness and greed no different there from anywhere else.

 

Too many questions without answers and a very clear indication that nothing supernatural is going on. Every supernatural thing I thought I had felt was most probably just my emotions. What makes the difference is the FEAR. While you still have that your brain will not stop hopping its tracks.

 

Get some medication to deal with your obsessions. If you are already on some, change it until you can live without fear. Then you can start to really explore this stuff without constantly worrying about being hit by a lightning bolt. I grant you Christine it is a life full of horrors the like of which are not understandable by anyone who has not had to live with them. Living with constant fear will wear you out, body and soul.

 

The answers are inside you, not christians and not atheists. Only you can decide these things for yourself and give yourself a measure of peace. Happy for you to contact me here or in second lfie any time.

[Guest ChristineE]

Mac did show me a video in which his favorite preacher addressed a crowd saying that "...those who are separated from God will appear so vile and dirty when they stand before him that the last sound those people will hear is the rest of the world cheering that they are about to be destroyed". He asked me if that was abuse. I had to answer I didn't know. Can one man abuse a crowd? If he were one-on-one with someone I would say that statement would be abusive.

 

I told Mac that very night I was going to take a hiatus from him. It's not the first time I've walked away. He told me how dearly he loved me and that he cared for my safety. I mentally smiled. I think that on some twisted level he very much does care for me. It's the same concern that drives him to preach at me. But I would much prefer Mr. Spann's caring. My husband's caring too.

[florduh]

I told Mac that very night I was going to take a hiatus from him.

Hiatus? Get the hell away from that psycho forever and immediately. You are allowing him to destroy you. Stop it.

[Guest ChristineE]

Hiatus? Get the hell away from that psycho forever and immediately. You are allowing him to destroy you. Stop it.

 

I have in the past tried to leave forever, and apparently forever lasted a couple months at best. I shall stay away as long as I can. If I actually do mamage not to come back, then yay!!

[florduh]

Christine, there is help available for your self destructive behavior patterns. Please avail yourself of it. There is no need to torture yourself this way. Just get the help.

[Guest ChristineE]

From whom? Does this really warrant professional help, like a therapist? I'm really not sure I'd want that.

[florduh]

From whom? Does this really warrant professional help, like a therapist? I'm really not sure I'd want that.

 

"I don't know if Anyone can help me. I don't know if I can even help myself."

I can only respond to what you tell me.

 

If you'd rather remain miserable, tortured, or however you'd describe it, then don't bother getting any help. It's up to you. Nothing changes if nothing changes.

[Guest ChristineE]

If you think I really do require it, that remaining here would not be enough, I will...

[agnosticator]

He told me how dearly he loved me and that he cared for my safety. I mentally smiled. I think that on some twisted level he very much does care for me. It's the same concern that drives him to preach at me. But I would much prefer Mr. Spann's caring. My husband's caring too.

 

Hi ChristineE. I almost didn't post this, but you sound very much like someone I knew who was easily influenced and couldn't separate herself from her abuser. Her mind was weak and open to what others would have her believe and do. I see nothing good for you in a skype "relationship" with this morally degenerate McChristian. You can't pull yourself away from his abuse because you don't think much of yourself. And if you're married, what are you doing with this McChristian?

 

You need to see a professional. That is what my old friend did, to her credit. If you don't you'll either submit to his mind control, or find another psycho to take his place,IMHO.