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Guest ChristineE

I Can't Move On.

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I don't LIKE having a life.

 

 

It seems like you have a whole lot of circular reasonings going on (not good):

"I am depressed, I need help, but I do not think I need professional help."

"I hate my life, I feel sooo sorry for myself, but doing something about it? No thanks, because I don't like having a life."

 

You said:

"...keeping to myself and staying by myself..."

Now that is what will fuck up one's mind in no time. If your thoughts and fantasies are all what occupy your head, then you will go mad. Your thoughts are not that important. If you can not, and do not want to fit into society then all you are left with are your irrelevant thoughts.

 

Some wisdom from the bible:

1 Timothy 6:6

 

But godliness with contentment is great gain.

 

Find your way to contentment!

(a 12 hour job is as big of a responsibility as keeping a dog)

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Guest ChristineE

 

"I hate my life, I feel sooo sorry for myself, but doing something about it? No thanks, because I don't like having a life."

 

 

Ouch. OUCH.

 

Who ever said I did not want to do anything about it? Surely there are ways to fix this without doing things that I don't enjoy! It's probably wrong that I don't feel at home in society (for some reason... not really, but I'll agree with your viewpoint in this case, bornnormal) so I try to pick friends who also don't feel at home in society. I did say that relaxing, distracting activities are awesome. I have to deal with having a job now, no going back on that one, but if I really must fill up my hours with something else, I vote to fill them with Opera and reading and painting and tea with cream and sugar.

 

Now if you'll excuse me I have a voice lesson to go to.

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Christine, seriously. What the bloody hell are you doing??!!

 

Let's simplify this. It's time to take charge of YOUR life, YOUR mind, and YOUR decisions.

 

I can't see how you are actually enjoying your life at the moment. Obviously, changes need to be made. From what you have written here, you are currently powerless to make those changes yourself- ie. staying away from destructive personalities. Therefore, you NEED therapy to help you learn how to make those changes.

 

However, and this is a big however, I'm not convinced that you actually WANT to make those changes, having read the last three pages, as you seem to be coming up with excuses to not go to therapy. You're not going to find what you want here or anywhere else, simply because you are constantly seeking answers and affirmation from everywhere and everyone else BUT YOURSELF. Be proud of who you are. Stand on your own two feet.

 

Many men and women have fought long and hard over many, many years for you to have the right to be recognised as an independent being in spite of your gender. Do you really want to throw away that gift, that independence and freedom of thought, that they fought and suffered such hardship for so long for? Be strong within yourself, and stand proud as an individual who doesn't need the approval of others. Empower yourself as a woman and as a human being.

 

And on the subject of Marlene Winell, I'll be starting a separate thread regarding her.

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Christine, seriously. What the bloody hell are you doing??!!

I think he/she is having us on. It's much too outrageous to be for real.

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I go back because the emotions of fear, shame, grief, and above all NEEDING him to continually comfort me to make all three leave for a time... those left-over feelings are so powerful that they drive me to the same undeniable behaviors I had back then.

 

Hi Christine, I see you sing opera too...love it especially Puccini...who is your favorite composer?

 

You mentioned a real deep felt need that was being met by Mac but it does NOT have anything to do with SPIRITUALITY as you belief it to be true; it is fulfilling an emotional need and it could be *any* religion and you could be vulnerable to *anyone* who would be there to "fill that need"...that is why I think that several others suggest professional help for you to see WHY you have gone back and feel that your feelings are so powerful...it is an emotional attachment; NOT a religion and imho, not even a spiritual thing at all...matter of fact, in christian doctrine this would be called "lack of self control" and self -discipline to rely upon another to fulfil needs "in god's place"...and imho, that is exactly what he has done, made you dependent upon him; he has not "helped you draw closer to god" or to understanding why you are not believing as he does; it is mind control and abuse you are experiencing from him. I hope that you can get some help for the compulsion to talk with him again. It seems to be so frustrating for you; check out about PTSD also. Flashbacks are signs of past abuse. HUGS to you.

 

I hope you can see what I am saying...

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Thank you all dearly. I've no idea why it's so hard to simply let go and leave. I don't want this any more than I'm sure anyone wanted their Christian Experience.

 

Except for some parts. Mac was kindly and gentle sometimes. He would affect a ridiculously overblown Irish accent (stemming from his Ren Faire days, before he converted) for the sake of cheering me up. He''s a fairly good musician. He'd sing for me. He even WROTE a song for me, but it had something to do with Christ as well, so I did not listen very closely and do not remember the words. Once as I was in the throes of a panic attack he tapped his mic rhythmically. I asked him what he was doing and he said, "Emulating a heartbeat. I heard somewhere that calms people down. How are you now, calm yet?" Not really but at least he made me smile. If I had a quarter of every time I've heard from him, "I really do hope you feel better dear" I'd probably have enough to buy Starbucks for all my friends. If only that weren't immediately followed by "...And I hope that you do see how badly you need Christ"

 

Many abuse victims say the same thing. "But he can be so sweet... When he's not beating the shit out of me."

 

You seem to be a classic abuse victim, based in what little I can read here. Mac is abusing you. Period. You are a victim and must get away from him completely forever. Period. If you can't do that on your own (and I'm certain you can't) then you need professional help to do so. Period, EOFS.

 

My jaw hit the floor when I saw the conversation you pasted above. You are very sick, not as in bad, but as in you-need-a-doctor-right-now sick. The fact that you can't see how abused you are is even more telling.

 

You don't need a doctor because Florduh thinks you do. You need a professional because you're very ill and need help.

 

You have immense value. Not to sound trite, but you are the only you you'll ever have. It's once around and done. You can spend it getting twisted in knots and lied to be a-holes like Mac, or you can claim your life back and find all the meaning and value that is out there for you.

 

Before you respond to one more post, you need to schedule appointment with a secular mental health professional, perhaps one who who specializes in helping abuse victims. The time is now. No more Mac. No more chat rooms. No more Second Life. Please. For your own sake.

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Newsflash guys, for some of us life is endured rather then enjoyed, no matter how many pills we take or talking we do. I don't much like being in the world either but I need to eat so a job is a must, I don't bludge off anyone.

 

Our OP has obsession and panic written all over her, so telling her to live like someone who doesn't live with that kid of fear is kind of pointless. One needs to get to the bottom of the fear. Having done that though some of us will never understand or like people miuch. Human nature sucks, and I have always preferred a book. So does our OP it would seem.

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Christine, seriously. What the bloody hell are you doing??!!

I think he/she is having us on. It's much too outrageous to be for real.

I regret that I have but one upvote to offer this post. I'm afraid I'm going to have to call shens on this one. A counselor is phoned up after hours but is somehow available on demand (and apparently available for free?) and within one half hour Christine's not only had an initial consultation but has had time to come here and write a post about what happened. This "consultation" also involved, coincidentally, her being told to continue to talk to total internet strangers here about her psychological issues and get help for them with us and a gentle suggestion to "maybe" seek therapy. The "consultation" also involved getting told exactly and precisely what would most make people feel all sorry for the poor lil snowflake and a total lack of action planning for recovery from her panic attacks, depression, and involvement with whackjobs. Could it have happened? Maybe. But only if this Dr. Winnell is a complete quack.

 

So in sum it doesn't look like that pattern of deception is changing much. I'm done.

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She said to keep talking to you guys and maybe seek counseling too.

 

Then you didn't tell her everything. There would be no maybe, and we would not be her suggested first line of defense.

 

Personally I still don't believe I need it. I asked my husband if I was overreacting by seeking therapy and he said, "Maybe a little bit". I have to agree.

 

You're both wrong. Sorry, but that's where it is. London might be right that you don't 10 years of it, but I don't think it's just a few sessions either. You need it.

 

Frankly, it seems there's something not out in the open about the way you and your hubby operate. True, you don't owe us a thing, but there's something odd there, like he's not really tuned into how Mac, and others really, are treating you. If it was my wife in this sort of mess I'd be dragging her to therapy first, then I'd probably be in the news because I would have searched out this Mac guy and hospitalized him.

 

But I'm gonna stay here with you guys and I'm going to stay away from Mac. Those two things are imperative.

 

Professional help is imperative. Get some.

 

You see, at this point it doesn't matter whether you would enjoy it or not, whether you'd be comfortable or not. You remind me of the alcoholics in my life (dozens of years of friendship with Bill in my family) who cast about and make excuses and want to do recovery their own way, without really upsetting the applecart. And, you know, I keep booze around the house just because I want to have it for friends who come over - and plus I know it's there, so I can drink anytime. It's part of how I handle it, blah-blah-blah.

 

It's bullshit. You are addicted to this pattern in your life. You need help. You need rehab. It doesn't matter what you enjoy. If you know you can't control it (you've admitted as much) and you know how negatively it affects your life, and you don't want it to do so anymore, then you have to do what's required, even the uncomfortable parts. Scratch that - especially the uncomfortable parts.

 

Either that or Florduh is right - this is one big troll. Somehow I don't think that, but I suppose one never knows.

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Guest ChristineE

I'm sad, hurt, and sorry that you think I'm trolling you. I really DID call Dr. Wennell. I must have called her home phone, which is why she answered so quickly, but then it's the number she had on her website.The anonymous nature of the internet made it easy for me when I wanted to deceive people, but now I'm telling the truth it makes it hard for anyone to believe me. If you don't believe me, call her yourself. She has a website. You know what? This is my fucking problem. I care too much about what other people think of me. I might have been abused, I might have an addiction to Mac, and I might not be willing to get professional help to change it. How stupid would it look to actually need FUCKING REHAB because of a trolling incident gone awry a year and a half ago?! I'm not even depressed right now. Right now, I'm angry. Fuming in fact. When I want to get help, I will. Actually I came here because I wanted encouragement. Someone to talk to instead of Macolyis. And I get a million responses saying I need to go in for treatment. Again, how ridiculous must this look? I doubt Dr. Wennell even took me seriously when I called her. We only talked for about 20 minutes because she said she had somewhere she needed to be. I'm not about to pay real money for psychological help because of something that happened over the goddamn internet. Why? Because no one will take me seriously.

 

Case in point.

 

I've entertained for a few seconds the thought of paying someone 100 dollars an hour solely because you said to. Then I remember that my parents and my husband and the few (but more important) people who I share REAL LIFE with would think I'm being a drama whore.

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I'm sad, hurt, and sorry that you think I'm trolling you. I really DID call Dr. Wennell. I must have called her home phone, which is why she answered so quickly, but then it's the number she had on her website.The anonymous nature of the internet made it easy for me when I wanted to deceive people, but now I'm telling the truth it makes it hard for anyone to believe me. If you don't believe me, call her yourself. She has a website. You know what? This is my fucking problem. I care too much about what other people think of me. I might have been abused, I might have an addiction to Mac, and I might not be willing to get professional help to change it. How stupid would it look to actually need FUCKING REHAB because of a trolling incident gone awry a year and a half ago?! I'm not even depressed right now. Right now, I'm angry. Fuming in fact. When I want to get help, I will. Actually I came here because I wanted encouragement. Someone to talk to instead of Macolyis. And I get a million responses saying I need to go in for treatment. Again, how ridiculous must this look? I doubt Dr. Wennell even took me seriously when I called her. We only talked for about 20 minutes because she said she had somewhere she needed to be. I'm not about to pay real money for psychological help because of something that happened over the goddamn internet. Why? Because no one will take me seriously.

 

Case in point.

 

I'd say we are taking you seriously. If anyone isn't it's you. I made it clear that I believed you, but that if I was wrong, then you had to be trolling.

 

And it's not a year and a half ago - YOU JUST POSTED THE &%$#ing CONVERSATION YOU HAD WITH MAC ABOUT THIS THREAD.

 

That means it ain't over. You're still in the midst of it, but you don't see it.

 

Look, if you tell your story, and the whole crowd you're to whom you're speaking says, "Holy SHIT - Get HELP!"...

 

Well, what does that tell you?

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can you tell me how long you have been married?

 

edited by london

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I'm having trouble taking you seriously because you have a major credibility problem. Nobody said you had to pay someone "100 dollars an hour." That's an absurd stretch you're making all by yourself, and a stretch you know damned well isn't true. I see your attempt to gain further sympathy for yourself by acting outraged, but I'm not going to give you the satisfaction.

 

I don't see any reputable therapist consulting with you for free for 20 minutes and then giving you a platitude about being a precious little child inside and then telling you to continue to talk to strangers about your issues. The only real consistency in your story is your stubborn refusal to even entertain any idea that even vaguely sounds like "stop navel-gazing and seeking attention from total strangers online and DO something about it," but suddenly you feel moved to call a therapist at someone's advice? Why didn't you pick up the phone and call your existing therapist, who already knows you and your problems? Why a new one to flit to? You've steadfastly refused to consider getting therapy because you don't feel you're bad-off enough to need it, but suddenly you decided to try a brand-new one? Sorry, angel. It doesn't pass the smell test. One thing is still true, though: I really do think you need to talk to a professional. I wish you well. I know that you must be hurting to act the way you do, and as a fellow human being I really do want you to get better. But this crap you're doing now--this attention-seeking behavior--isn't how it's going to happen. Please get the professional help you need.

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Guest ChristineE

I'm leaving. Goodbye. I really was telling the truth you morons.

I don't know who the admin is here but I would like to ask that he remove this thread.

My mother had paid for all my therapy sessions, and I haven't had any since I've turned 18, so how should I know it doesn't literally cost a hundred dollars an hour?

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I have to agree with her. Too much talky not enough listeny. Sad for those of us who don't fall within the bell curve of comfort. Of course we all have the same resources, temperaments, views of the world and experiences. Of course we should all pull ourselves up by the bootstraps and be good little soldiers and do what we are fucking well told no matter how much pain, trauma or obsession we have to live with. How evil we are for being stupid enough to ask for help in the first place.

 

And how stupid for expecting anything more than a mouthful of the same old shit we have heard fifty times before that makes us feel worse than we did when we were stupid enough to post in the first place.

 

One wonders what ever happened to compassion.

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I have to agree with her. Too much talky not enough listeny. Sad for those of us who don't fall within the bell curve of comfort. Of course we all have the same resources, temperaments, views of the world and experiences. Of course we should all pull ourselves up by the bootstraps and be good little soldiers and do what we are fucking well told no matter how much pain, trauma or obsession we have to live with. How evil we are for being stupid enough to ask for help in the first place.

 

And how stupid for expecting anything more than a mouthful of the same old shit we have heard fifty times before that makes us feel worse than we did when we were stupid enough to post in the first place.

 

One wonders what ever happened to compassion.

 

What? What are you talking about? Most of us said she CAN'T bootstrap it. The woman needs professional help. She's displaying classic abuse-victim behavior and is casting around for validation for her poor way of handling it. Compassion says you tell someone what they need to hear, even when it's hard. We're crying out to her to get help. The rest is so odd - something's not being said. We'll listen to it all, but it's not going to help in the end.

 

Quit acting like a co-dependent. She needs help. The sooner she realizes that and gets it, the better off she'll be.

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I'm sad, hurt, and sorry that you think I'm trolling you.

 

Why? Why would it matter what others think?

 

I care too much about what other people think of me. I might have been abused, I might have an addiction to Mac, and I might not be willing to get professional help to change it. How stupid would it look to actually need FUCKING REHAB because of a trolling incident gone awry a year and a half ago?!

 

That is irrelevant. How it looks doesn't matter. Looks isn't important.

 

Actually I came here because I wanted encouragement. Someone to talk to instead of Macolyis. And I get a million responses saying I need to go in for treatment. Again, how ridiculous must this look?

 

When you are walking in a cross walk, get hit by a car and wind up all busted up on the inside it's not time to put on your makeup. You don't worry about how things look. There are far more important things to take care of.

 

I doubt Dr. Wennell even took me seriously when I called her. We only talked for about 20 minutes because she said she had somewhere she needed to be. I'm not about to pay real money for psychological help because of something that happened over the goddamn internet.

 

It's not about an incident on the internet. When someone goes to the emergency room that doesn't fix the event when they were injured. The person goes to the emergency room so that the person will be healed. Now you have to ask yourself are you worth it?

 

I've entertained for a few seconds the thought of paying someone 100 dollars an hour solely because you said to. Then I remember that my parents and my husband and the few (but more important) people who I share REAL LIFE with would think I'm being a drama whore.

 

So what can we do for you?

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I think Florduh has good instincts about this sort of thing.

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I have to agree with her. Too much talky not enough listeny. Sad for those of us who don't fall within the bell curve of comfort. Of course we all have the same resources, temperaments, views of the world and experiences. Of course we should all pull ourselves up by the bootstraps and be good little soldiers and do what we are fucking well told no matter how much pain, trauma or obsession we have to live with. How evil we are for being stupid enough to ask for help in the first place.

 

And how stupid for expecting anything more than a mouthful of the same old shit we have heard fifty times before that makes us feel worse than we did when we were stupid enough to post in the first place.

 

One wonders what ever happened to compassion.

 

What? What are you talking about? Most of us said she CAN'T bootstrap it. The woman needs professional help. She's displaying classic abuse-victim behavior and is casting around for validation for her poor way of handling it. Compassion says you tell someone what they need to hear, even when it's hard. We're crying out to her to get help. The rest is so odd - something's not being said. We'll listen to it all, but it's not going to help in the end.

 

Quit acting like a co-dependent. She needs help. The sooner she realizes that and gets it, the better off she'll be.

 

I'm going to say this through clenched teeth so I don't do my usual soapbox speech regarding what people THINK is going on inside others, as opposed to what is actualy going on inside them.

 

One of the things I like so much about where I live is that phrases and words like "validation" and "co-dependent" are rarely heard when someone is having a hard time. When we tell people how we feel here we are not "casting about" for anything, just sharing how we feel inside.

 

Professional help is a good thing, but it doesn't cure everything. Just sayin'

 

This dickwad she talked to in Second Life is a total whackjob and he is very, very good at mindfucking people. He runs around second life for just that purpose. He is great at identifying people with a lot of fear and milking it for all it's worth. Might be okay for those of us who have been around the block a few times but I can see how it affects younger vulnerable people.

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Human nature sucks, and I have always preferred a book.

 

Books are written by humans. So not all human nature sucks, just some aspects.

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I'm leaving. Goodbye. I really was telling the truth you morons.

I don't know who the admin is here but I would like to ask that he remove this thread.

My mother had paid for all my therapy sessions, and I haven't had any since I've turned 18, so how should I know it doesn't literally cost a hundred dollars an hour?

 

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I sympathize because I know that when someone is depressed it can really make them lose perspective, and that's clearly what's happened to Christine. That's why I need to say that it's brutally unfair of her to ask an unqualified person to be her therapist and take on the responsibility of fixing her, and from her own posts I see that that was her stated reason for coming here. When she finally got cornered, she said that she's refusing to seek real therapy because she thinks she can't afford it and thinks it'd look bad if she sought it--so what else am I to think she was looking for? The lucky guy who takes on the kind of mindfuckery she's presenting is going to be taking on some emotional shit that he is really not prepared or trained to deal with. But that's okay because she'll be getting attention and strokes, right? I'm not using "he" as a universal pronoun, either, since she's only ever mentioned men being her "mentors" (read: "attention-givers")--though to be fair it's hard to imagine a woman letting her sob and self-obsess all night on Skype while the hubs is out of town.

 

If you're still seeing this thread, Christine (and I'm positive that you are despite your flounce-out, because, hey, it's attention), you need professional help like the Green Elf needs food: BADLY. You need to stop flitting from person to person like a hungry baby bird looking for free, untrained therapists. I know the attention feels lovely in the short run, but in the long run it will just mess you up worse. It's like being a fat girl who wants ice cream when she gets depressed about her weight. I fervently want you to get better, and honestly the more you talk the more I am convinced that you need a professional to get there. And you'll be amazed at how quickly it goes and wonder why you wasted all that time on amateurs.

 

When you're really ready to make a change, call your existing therapist and tell her your fears about the expense and how it'd "look" to seek help. I bet she'll have some surprising things to tell you. Good luck, and best wishes from one of the moron crew.

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Wonder if they have therapy for just plain bitchiness and self centredness. Perhaps there should be a sign on the front of the forums that says "Don't Come Here For Help Because You Will Only Be Accused of Whining"

 

Why is it everytime someone says go see a therapist I hear "I will pray for you". Doesn't it all mean the same thing, I don't want to hear about your damn problems so STFU.

 

Nice.

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Wonder if they have therapy for just plain bitchiness and self centredness. Perhaps there should be a sign on the front of the forums that says "Don't Come Here For Help Because You Will Only Be Accused of Whining"

 

Why is it everytime someone says go see a therapist I hear "I will pray for you". Doesn't it all mean the same thing, I don't want to hear about your damn problems so STFU.

 

Nice.

 

I'm not sure why you feel that way. In my experience people seem to offer help.

 

See a therapist means, actively participate in the resolution of your issues. pray for you is clearly a STFU, I can't deal with reality excuse. They are quite different. That's my opinion.

 

Galien, I know we may see this differently but I believe that people are trying to direct Christine to a professional who can actually help. As opposed to having opinions of untrained people that may never amount to any kind of healing for her.

 

<uses compassionate voice>

Galien are you feeling mistreated here at Ex-C? I'm getting that impression from your posts. Is there something you want to discuss? I think you have made some very valid points in this thread but I just read an underlying pain or unhappiness. Are you ok?

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I'm sorry you feel the way you do, Galien. The reason I suggest a therapist off the bat is that she's already tried having laypeople fix her and that by her own admission hasn't worked yet--and also yes, she is pretty damned damaged at this point from having all these totally unqualified people stumbling around in her psyche. Maybe it's time to stop trying to talk people into using a power drill on her molars and just go see a real dentist.

 

If you perceive a suggestion to seek professional help as a "I'll pray for you," can I help a little by explaining my reasoning? Therapy saved my life when I suffered from PTSD and panic attacks. I won't sugar-coat that fact. I leap to that solution because it works. Do you also perceive a suggestion to see a dentist for a toothache as a platitude? Like London, I'm wondering what else might be going on that you feel that it's a push-off. It's the exact opposite of a push-off. I regard it as not only a wake-up for the depressed (who might be so wrapped up in their issues that they just don't think of it), but also a sort of "permission slip" to do it. There's a real stigma in some countries about seeking professional help, and it's so undeserved. Hope that helped a little.

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