Zephie Posted February 20, 2012 Share Posted February 20, 2012 So I'm still very much in the closet at home about my deconversion. Aside from here and the occassional phone conversation this has become very lonely. One thing that I am dealing with as I am sure many of you have dealt with is shame and guilt. How do I deal with this? When I would go through the cycle of becoming fundy again, I would down anyone and everything I was associated with when I was an Xtian. I have been told to cut "soul ties" which meant saying a prayer and getting rid of things that were precious to me (gifts I had been given, things I had bought, close relationships, etc). When I was engaged to this a**hat of an abusive man, I felt that I had to down all previous relationships. I hate this guilt and shame that I feel. That wasn't who I am. It kills me inside that I have to hide everything from my parents. I have alientated close friends of mine because they weren't Christians. I am so scared of the things that I did as a Christian coming back to bite me in the ass. It is bad enough that my material possessions have been decimated due to cleaning out crap that was "evil". The potential loss of relationships is frightening. I am ashamed of the person that I was. That person when I was a Christian was pompous, arrogant, and completely hating of her past. I just don't know how to deal with this much less look at myself in the mirror. Honestly, the sooner I move out of my parents house and out of state the better. I know that running from problems is not good...what I am looking for is a new start; a chance to be myself, be the truthful, honest, loving person that I am. I feel like I have been lying the past year when I went back to Christianity a few months after I moved home. Ugh. This kills me inside. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Deva Posted February 20, 2012 Share Posted February 20, 2012 Honestly, the sooner I move out of my parents house and out of state the better. I know that running from problems is not good...what I am looking for is a new start; a chance to be myself, be the truthful, honest, loving person that I am. I feel like I have been lying the past year when I went back to Christianity a few months after I moved home. Ugh. This kills me inside. So, you already know the answer. Get out. The farther away the better. Even if you have to live in substandard conditions for awhile. Please forget about "running from problems". Sometimes that is the BEST thing you can do. You would be amazed what a little geographic distance can do. Sure, you still have the stuff in your head, but it is much easier to work on if you are away from the Christian atmosphere, where you must hide all the time. Try to forget about going back to Christianity. Many of us have done it, even several times. It is nothing to be ashamed of, and you have the rest of your life ahead of you. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderator Margee Posted February 20, 2012 Moderator Share Posted February 20, 2012 Zephie, there is an old saying, ''If I had of known better - I would have done better''. That helps me forgive myself for some of the dumb things I have done in my life. Two other things come to my mind about guilt and shame. 1. The world and all its rules and regulations which were taught to you by family, teachers, preachers, friends on how to live your life on earth. We were programmed by these wonderful people who told you that you 'should' do this, 'could and should' act this way and how you 'should' think. In other words, they tell you.... Here's how you're supposed to be, think and act, so do it, think it and be it! We were trained by most people how to be people pleasers...especially to god. And, much like a robot, we try to be these things that people told us to be. When our 'normal' human instincts kicked in (like wanting sex when we were all 16 ) huge shame for the way we felt came over us, because we were told it was wrong. We would get down on our knees and beg god to take away normal desires and when the desire (or whatever you want god to help you with) didn't leave - we felt shame for who we were. When you buck this system and and start peeling back the layers like an onion, thinking for yourself, making your own 'rules' and accepting yourself for who you really are AND be O.K. with that - - some of that guilt and shame will drop off you like a huge weight. It will take time for you to discover what you actually think about the different issues in life....try having fun as you get to know the 'real' Zephie! Don't be hard on yourself. You may find out that you are a little selfish - I did and I still love myself! Selfish is not always a bad thing like we were taught - sometimes it helps to protect you from the 'vampires' and abusers of the world. It's O.K. to say , 'NO'! When you have no god to answer to, half the battle is over. 2.Going against your own morals that you develope, will cause you guilt and shame (once you figure them out!!) We each have a moral code that we will live by. None of us is the same. What you think is O.K. - I might not.. (and that's o'k.!) When you go against your own moral code - you will feel guilt and shame', just correct yourself and change the behavior that is making you feel bad about yourself. Only you will know what your morals are and only you can fix any 'screw-ups' you make when you go against yourself. I understand that your circumstances are a little hard right now. Just remember, they may be able to make you act a certain way for awhile; you may have to 'act' the part out for awhile (while you're under their roof) but remember.......your mind is yours and yours alone..They cannot take that from you. Hang in there until you can get out on your own! Best wishes for you today. 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Zephie Posted February 20, 2012 Author Share Posted February 20, 2012 Honestly, the sooner I move out of my parents house and out of state the better. I know that running from problems is not good...what I am looking for is a new start; a chance to be myself, be the truthful, honest, loving person that I am. I feel like I have been lying the past year when I went back to Christianity a few months after I moved home. Ugh. This kills me inside. So, you already know the answer. Get out. The farther away the better. Even if you have to live in substandard conditions for awhile. Please forget about "running from problems". Sometimes that is the BEST thing you can do. You would be amazed what a little geographic distance can do. Sure, you still have the stuff in your head, but it is much easier to work on if you are away from the Christian atmosphere, where you must hide all the time. Try to forget about going back to Christianity. Many of us have done it, even several times. It is nothing to be ashamed of, and you have the rest of your life ahead of you. Thankies Deva. I have a teleconference call scheduled with AT&T on Friday. It is for the call center in Austin, TX. I've been gunning to move there for a while and it will only make my job search for teaching in TX easier the sooner I am out. Basically what happened is my friend and I were talking and he mentioned a hat that his mom had given me. It was my favorite hat but my cat got a hold of it. Everything that he has given me has either been lost or gotten rid of due to cutting "soul ties". I think I have a couple of stuffed animals hiding out somewhere in my closet. My mom caught me wearing the pentagram he gave me and just about threw a fit because it was piece of jewelry she didn't recognize. Keep in mind that I am 29 in two weeks...so yeah, getting out is the best thing that I can do for myself at the moment. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Zephie Posted February 20, 2012 Author Share Posted February 20, 2012 @ Margee Thankies!! You are so right. I have prayed many times over for certain desires to be removed and they've only gotten stronger. I have an interview via teleconference with AT&T in Austin, TX for a call center position on Friday. Hopefully everything will work out and I will be able to move ASAP. Funny thing is, I want to teach people how to think for themselves. I am only beginning to find out what I believe and how my morals are. Leaving Xtianity has given me more confidence in myself but I am ashamed for my actions in the past even though I realize that things like throwing away object or gifts in order to cut "soul ties" was part of the delusion I was under. One thing that I am definitely going to do is seek therapy once I get health insurance. Mentally, things have not be right with me since I was about 13 or so but it has always been chalked up to "spiritual issues" and "demons". I have a notion of what could be wrong but I'd rather go to a professional for that and get help. I've been going over meetups in the Austin, TX area for Pagan, Atheist, and belly dance groups so that I can have a support network. I am very lucky that my ex-bf and his mom are keeping tabs on me and she is awesome. Anywho please pardon my ramblings as I've only gotten 1.5 hours of sleep and have taken a 5 hour energy. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ConureDelSol Posted February 20, 2012 Share Posted February 20, 2012 Eek, Texas? Honestly, if I was trying to escape Christianity, that is the LAST place I would try to move. Some of the largest churches in America are there. The American Family Organization's HQ is there. In fact, the only redeeming quality I can think of is that the Atheist Experience is hosted there. Not to down anyone's state, but Texas is just NOT a place I'd want to be. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderator Margee Posted February 20, 2012 Moderator Share Posted February 20, 2012 @ Margee Thankies!! You are so right. I have prayed many times over for certain desires to be removed and they've only gotten stronger. I have an interview via teleconference with AT&T in Austin, TX for a call center position on Friday. Hopefully everything will work out and I will be able to move ASAP. Funny thing is, I want to teach people how to think for themselves. I am only beginning to find out what I believe and how my morals are. Leaving Xtianity has given me more confidence in myself but I am ashamed for my actions in the past even though I realize that things like throwing away object or gifts in order to cut "soul ties" was part of the delusion I was under. One thing that I am definitely going to do is seek therapy once I get health insurance. Mentally, things have not be right with me since I was about 13 or so but it has always been chalked up to "spiritual issues" and "demons". I have a notion of what could be wrong but I'd rather go to a professional for that and get help. I've been going over meetups in the Austin, TX area for Pagan, Atheist, and belly dance groups so that I can have a support network. I am very lucky that my ex-bf and his mom are keeping tabs on me and she is awesome. Anywho please pardon my ramblings as I've only gotten 1.5 hours of sleep and have taken a 5 hour energy. You go girl!! You sound like a real smart lady to me!! One of the biggest questions I have been asking myself in the last year is...''Is this true for me?'' It helps me figure out who the real 'Margee' is!! For example, I always believed in 'unconditional' love and forgiveness. Do I believe this today?........NO...and I have my reasons..... Ask yourself that question: ''Is this true for me'' and if it is...WHY.... and if it isn't....WHY NOT? Good luck hon! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Zephie Posted February 20, 2012 Author Share Posted February 20, 2012 I've heard Austin isn't so bad and I've already been enrolled and paid for part of my alt cert teaching program. I know Dallas is sucky from having lived there but I've heard Austin is pretty liberal (from an atheist college prof who lives there). There are several Atheist meetup groups that have several hundred members. Perhaps after a few years I'll move farther but for right now I'm Texas bound. In my mind, Austin is kinda like N.O. (nothing really similar just more liberal than the rest of the state). Again, that's just what I've heard though. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Deva Posted February 20, 2012 Share Posted February 20, 2012 I've heard Austin isn't so bad and I've already been enrolled and paid for part of my alt cert teaching program. I know Dallas is sucky from having lived there but I've heard Austin is pretty liberal (from an atheist college prof who lives there). There are several Atheist meetup groups that have several hundred members. Perhaps after a few years I'll move farther but for right now I'm Texas bound. In my mind, Austin is kinda like N.O. (nothing really similar just more liberal than the rest of the state). Again, that's just what I've heard though. I have lived in Texas and agree that Austin is one of the best places to live. I lived in east TX and that is a hellhole. When I visited Austin I felt an immediate lighter atmosphere. I am sure it is due to the university being there. Sounds like you are doing the right thing to me. Good luck! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Zephie Posted February 20, 2012 Author Share Posted February 20, 2012 I visited Austin briefly for a job interview a few years ago and enjoyed simply driving through it. It does seem less hostile...also I've heard they do live shows at the midnight Rocky Horror showings...just another reason for me to head on over Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Valk0010 Posted February 20, 2012 Share Posted February 20, 2012 Eek, Texas? Honestly, if I was trying to escape Christianity, that is the LAST place I would try to move. Some of the largest churches in America are there. The American Family Organization's HQ is there. In fact, the only redeeming quality I can think of is that the Atheist Experience is hosted there. Not to down anyone's state, but Texas is just NOT a place I'd want to be. If it helps seattle is the home of the discovery institute. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Zephie Posted February 20, 2012 Author Share Posted February 20, 2012 I've wanted to visit that way just to see if I like it. It's a possibility in a few years but for now I am Texas bound. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
midniterider Posted February 21, 2012 Share Posted February 21, 2012 So I'm still very much in the closet at home about my deconversion. Aside from here and the occassional phone conversation this has become very lonely. One thing that I am dealing with as I am sure many of you have dealt with is shame and guilt. How do I deal with this? When I would go through the cycle of becoming fundy again, I would down anyone and everything I was associated with when I was an Xtian. I have been told to cut "soul ties" which meant saying a prayer and getting rid of things that were precious to me (gifts I had been given, things I had bought, close relationships, etc). When I was engaged to this a**hat of an abusive man, I felt that I had to down all previous relationships. I hate this guilt and shame that I feel. That wasn't who I am. It kills me inside that I have to hide everything from my parents. I have alientated close friends of mine because they weren't Christians. I am so scared of the things that I did as a Christian coming back to bite me in the ass. It is bad enough that my material possessions have been decimated due to cleaning out crap that was "evil". The potential loss of relationships is frightening. I am ashamed of the person that I was. That person when I was a Christian was pompous, arrogant, and completely hating of her past. I just don't know how to deal with this much less look at myself in the mirror. Honestly, the sooner I move out of my parents house and out of state the better. I know that running from problems is not good...what I am looking for is a new start; a chance to be myself, be the truthful, honest, loving person that I am. I feel like I have been lying the past year when I went back to Christianity a few months after I moved home. Ugh. This kills me inside. Well, if your parents are bugging you with Jesus stuff then leaving their house is not running away from your problem, it is actually solving it. Dont go to church or hang out with xians once you leave home. Hang out with co-workers that arent religious or join non-religious clubs...life will get better. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
midniterider Posted February 21, 2012 Share Posted February 21, 2012 I used to deal with guilt. Then I told god I was going to continue to sin but not feel guilty anymore because it is ridiculous to do so. God never answered back anyway. 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Zephie Posted February 21, 2012 Author Share Posted February 21, 2012 Well, if your parents are bugging you with Jesus stuff then leaving their house is not running away from your problem, it is actually solving it. Dont go to church or hang out with xians once you leave home. Hang out with co-workers that arent religious or join non-religious clubs...life will get better. I've been checking out local meetup groups for pagans as well as atheists. I've no plans to ever darken the doorstep of a church again. I decide my purpose. I decide my life. Thankies Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JoeCoastie Posted February 21, 2012 Share Posted February 21, 2012 The Atheist Experience broadcasts from Austin. Austin is the place. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Zephie Posted February 21, 2012 Author Share Posted February 21, 2012 I am stoked about a possible move up there. The interview is Friday via phone then next is testing. After that it's onward to Austin if hired.One of the first things I want to do is go see a live show of Rocky Horror. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mike D Posted February 21, 2012 Share Posted February 21, 2012 I know that running from problems is not good... Not "running away from problems" has no doubt has resulted in some of the worst advice known to man. I think what we're supposed to take from this nugget of "wisdom" is that if you have a problem, you should deal with it or it may not go away. Makes sense. But dealing with a problem may involve separating yourself from the cause of the problem, which is not the same thing as "running away". Fixing the root cause of a problem may very well mean big changes, such as ending a relationship, getting a new job, moving to a new town, etc. Continuing to subject yourself to a bad situation just for the sake of not "running away from problems" isn't really addressing the root issue, and therefore isn't going to solve anything. Good luck! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Zephie Posted February 21, 2012 Author Share Posted February 21, 2012 You know from what I've been reading on this topic...it's possible that I have been manipulated into staying in a bad situation and made to feel guilty for wanting to leave. Ya'll are right. As scary as a move may be (and exciting too), the best thing for me at this point is to move out and out of state. I am not running just putting distance between myself and those who would manipulate me. As well, the move will give me a chance to get the much needed help that I need. While I may lose the church community...there are several groups in Austin, TX and likely wherever I move that are going to provide community. Ex-C has been and is wonderful for community as well. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Legato Posted February 21, 2012 Share Posted February 21, 2012 Austin's a cool place, I moved there with no plans and no job and it was fun for a while. I ran into very few fundies living there. Lot's of single, progressive people in their late 20s/early 30s. It definitely seems like your in a tight spot at home and getting out of your parents' control will be a huge help. Interestingly, my move did not solve the issues with my family but it did provide a chance to think about what I really wanted and how to break the big news when the time came... If you don't get the job hit me up in Baton Rouge. I've recently found a few less or non-religious people to hang with. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Zephie Posted February 21, 2012 Author Share Posted February 21, 2012 Sweet. I'll let you know how the interview turns out. I know they do an initial phone interview then invite the participants to do testing on location. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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