Ex-C Memorial Thread

[Overcame Faith]

So sorry to hear of the loss, Margee.

[Lilith666]

Aw. I'm sorry about your sister. Hey, don't stop believing in an afterlife--we don't know for certain that there isn't one. Maybe you will see her again. XX

[WMDKitty]

Dammit, Stanley! You were one of my favorite humans, and I never really got to say goodbye. Here's to you, Old Man. *raises bong*

[Edie]

My favourite (only) baby brother who was knocked off his bike and killed by a drunk driver last year aged only 26. Some days life seems good and can invisage a positive future. Other days I'm impressed if I remember to put my shoes on the right feet. The most painful part is witnessing my parents' suffering, and his girlfriend who is only 22. David was my partner in crime, my best friend, my sparring partner, and I miss him immensely, even his disguisting smelly hairy feet.

 

I didn't see this thread before. Thank you for the opportunity to share. It's been a tough few days.

[Margee]

My favourite (only) baby brother who was knocked off his bike and killed by a drunk driver last year aged only 26. Some days life seems good and can invisage a positive future. Other days I'm impressed if I remember to put my shoes on the right feet. The most painful part is witnessing my parents' suffering, and his girlfriend who is only 22. David was my partner in crime, my best friend, my sparring partner, and I miss him immensely, even his disguisting smelly hairy feet.

 

I didn't see this thread before. Thank you for the opportunity to share. It's been a tough few days.

 

I'm so sorry for the losses I read here in this thread because my heart bleeds for anyone who suffers having to say goodbye to someone so precious to them. We need to talk about it - that's why I started this thread... to share our painful losses, but try to remember the good times. Talk therapy sometimes helps.

 

The other day at my friends funeral, all kinds of losses hit me like a ton of bricks. His funeral was held at the church I grew up in as a teenager, and my mom was the organist for many, many years.

I spent many x-mas eve's singing all the favorite christmas songs we used to love so much. It was so special back then when everyone was alive. It wasn't all bad.

 

I looked yesterday around at all the stained glass windows, I stared at the organ and the pipes and could see mom's smiling face playing all the favorite hymns as the choir walked out...

 

Yesterday, the organist played ''I come to the garden alone''....''Amazing grace'' and ' How Great thou Art'.' It took everything in my power not to lose it and make a fool of myself crying. I sat in that pew all by myself and reflected on my dear friend who just died suddenly and also the many years in the church that we shared. I found it quite hard and I balled my head off when I sat in the car, wishing so much to be a believer again, Death seemd so much more accepting when you thought you might see all these wonderful family members and friends again. I miss that part very much. That sadness will probably never lleave me. I have come to accept that.

 

A big hug to anyone who has suffered any kind of loss today or still sufferes from a loss in the past......

[Thought2Much]

I found out today that my grandmother, who turned 100 years old last week, has passed away. Her first name was Irene, and she wrote poetry. Here is one of her poems, which seems appropriate right now.

 

“Good Night, Irene”

 

Good night, sweet gentlemen.

The sun has long gone.

The last star slides over the hill.

The sound of perpetual laughter

Recedes in the distance.

The padding of many footsteps is still.

To each of you, the dream draws nearer:

Furrowed brow —

Harried mind —

Unhappy heart —

For a brief moment,

Are sunk in the clouds

Of deep, soft slumber.

Good night, sweet gentlemen.

[Margee]

I found out today that my grandmother, who turned 100 years old last week, has passed away. Her first name was Irene, and she wrote poetry. Here is one of her poems, which seems appropriate right now.

 

“Good Night, Irene”

 

 

 

T2M....I am sooo sorry to hear about the loss of your 100 year old grandmother. WOW! What a life she must have lived!! The poem was beautiful! When did she write that? do you know? It speaks volumes!! What a gal she must have been. Huge hug for you tonight!

[Thought2Much]

Margee, that one was undated. It was from her stack of somewhat older poems, though. She was incredibly fascinating. Always proper, but she spoke her mind to defend herself and others in ways that I will always be envious of.

 

Here's another one from her:

 

Come Down to the Sea Wall

 

Dear, come down to

The sea wall with me.

You’ve never seen

Such a thing!

The Giant North East

Is wielding his whip,

Trying his best to regain the reins.

But the wild sea horses

Are running away,

Galloping in thunder

Down the beach,

Soaring in glory

Over the wall.

Dear, come down,

Watch the sea with me.

’Tis a freedom

Such as you’ll never see.

[Margee]

Margee, that one was undated. It was from her stack of somewhat older poems, though. She was incredibly fascinating. Always proper, but she spoke her mind to defend herself and others in ways that I will always be envious of.

 

Here's another one from her:

 

Come Down to the Sea Wall

 

 

 

She sounds like one heck of a lady.You were fortunate to have her!!

 

I wish for peace for you T2M!!

[Thought2Much]

Thanks, Margee. I actually think you two would have gotten along famously.

 

Fun bit of trivia about her: She smuggled a couple of the small, broken chunks of the Parthenon from Greece when she visited it, even though she was told people weren't allowed to take them. She was always somehow able to get away with stuff like that.

[maxmaxmaxmax]

Thanks so much for this thread, because it gives me the opportunity to tell you all about my gran, Kay. I was on a ski holiday in Italy with some friends when she died. I was already in a low period, and I was devastated when I heard the news, though glad to be in a happy place with friends who were there for me. She suffered from dementia and towards the end we knew it was only a matter of time before she went.

 

But that's not how I'll remember her. I'll always remember her as bubbly, smiling, laughing, engaging with people, helping people. Kay was one of very few women around the time of the war to go to university, and she made it into Oxford. She became a nurse and dedicated her life to helping people. She became very active in the peace movement and the women's movement, and I saw a picture at the funeral of her breaking through the fence of a nuclear weapons facility during a protest, for which she went to jail. At the height of the cold war tensions she took a bus with my Mum from London to Moscow, in hindsight a very dangerous thing to do, and continued to write to some of the good friends she made there. She not only loved but inspired people around her, and right into her old age was still giving out leaflets and campaigning on the causes she believed in.

 

I have to tell you about the funeral. It was amazing, I mean it was really wonderful. Don't get me wrong, I wept and wept at having to say goodbye to her, but I cannot emphasise enough how perfect the occasion was. The funeral was not a traditional, Christian one, but at her request somewhere was found that did 'Humanist' funerals. It was a huge deal for me personally because it was the first time in a very long while I had been into a church-like building and taken part in a church-like ceremony. I have always liked the idea of getting together especially with close friends and family, to go through something important together, with someone at the front leading the proceedings. I was extremely nervous and uncomfortable at being reminded of countless Christian services, still something that's painful to think about for me, at a time like this. But it was OK.

 

The big difference was there was nothing about the supernatural. The person at the front was normal, respectful, and simply spoke very well about my gran's life. He had some very beautiful, very poignant things to say. He said that though she has died she will never be forgotten, and in a sense she lives on in the hearts and the memories of all of us here. She lives on in the acts and the relationships that she left behind. And that our lives were so much the better for having known her. That’s what I wanted, and all I needed, just to be reminded of some general truths while we mourn and say goodbye to her. Nothing spiritual please. That’s when I realised that reality is just as profound, if not more so. They played some of her favourite music, including some pieces that her husband, my grandad, used to play on the piano. It was an ideal vehicle for us to contemplate, cry, remember and celebrate what a truly special person that she was.

 

I felt so lucky to have known her and that she was my gran. I felt so inspired by her life and what she believed, the way she acted on her convictions and especially the way she left a legacy behind of a more peaceful, more loving, more just world. I made a promise then and there that I would honour her and what she gave in her life, and I would do the same with mine. I could no longer feel embarrassed or ashamed of my beliefs or my interest in wanting to change the world. It's too important, she just went out and did it, and no doubt felt those same concerns, and faced a lot worse for it, including spending a few nights in a cold jail cell. I am aware of the parallels between these feelings and those many of us used to have about Jesus or other characters such as Paul. It's a kind of guilt at seeing great love and sacrifice and comparing it to your own life. I'm not convinced this is an entirely good thing, but nor am I convinced it's an entirely bad thing either. Either way, I was inspired by my gran and I want to live a life of great meaning like she did, carry on the strong tradition in my family of doing good for others, and in my own way remember her in the way she would most want to be remembered, by trying to make this world a more peaceful place.

[Jose]

Aaron J. Freeman

June 22, 1977 - June 5, 2006

 

 

I held him while he died. I told him, "Dude, let go. Look at your son, Aaron. You're already immortal."

 

He was the only hippie I ever liked and way too good for this world. I miss him all the time.

[Lerk]

I'm sorry for your loss, Margee.

 

Sure seems to have been a difficult few weeks.

 

I didn't know about this thread before, and I've just read most of it. Although it's difficult to lose people we love, I find it much easier to deal with now that I'm not a Christian. I don't have to worry about anyone's eternal destiny! I can just remember the good times.

[TheUnknown]

Because I was suffering severe deconversion blues and basically locked myself up for 3.5 years, I wasn't there for my mother who passed away unexpectedly in 2011 which I'll regret for the rest of my life. I wish I could take the last few years back and do things differently. I suffer from Generalized Anxiety Disorder which was diagnosed in 2009. Her death forced me to face my fears head on, though. I didn't realize that photo was such a low resolution. My mother was born on the 7th October 1944 and passed away on 20 September 2011, 2 and a half weeks before her 67th birthday.

[Margee]

Because I was suffering severe deconversion blues and basically locked myself up for 3.5 years, I wasn't there for my mother who passed away unexpectedly in 2011 which I'll regret for the rest of my life. I wish I could take the last few years back and do things differently. I suffer from Generalized Anxiety Disorder which was diagnosed in 2009. Her death forced me to face my fears head on, though. I didn't realize that photo was such a low resolution. My mother was born on the 7th October 1944 and passed away on 20 September 2011, 2 and a half weeks before her 67th birthday.

 

I am so sorry for your loss TU. You're story is my story. I wasn't there for my mom either. She died at 69. I have since forgiven myself because I recognized that for most of my life, I was there for her and we shared many, many good memories.......

 

I hope you find peace with this ........... Hug today for you.....

[asanerman]

Because I was suffering severe deconversion blues and basically locked myself up for 3.5 years, I wasn't there for my mother who passed away unexpectedly in 2011 which I'll regret for the rest of my life. I wish I could take the last few years back and do things differently. I suffer from Generalized Anxiety Disorder which was diagnosed in 2009. Her death forced me to face my fears head on, though. I didn't realize that photo was such a low resolution. My mother was born on the 7th October 1944 and passed away on 20 September 2011, 2 and a half weeks before her 67th birthday.

 

TheUnknown,

 

As I read this my mind travailed back to something Brene Brown says: 

 

We often use the terms embarrassment, guilt, humiliation, and shame interchangeably. It might seem overly picky to stress the importance of using the appropriate term to describe an experience or emotion; however, it is much more than semantics.

 

How we experience these different emotions comes down to self-talk. How do we talk to ourselves about what’s happening? The best place to start examining self-talk and untangling these four distinct emotions is with shame and guilt. The majority of shame researchers and clinicians agree that the difference between shame and guilt is best understood as the difference between “I am bad” and “I did something bad.”

 

When we apologize for something we’ve done, make amends, or change a behavior that doesn’t align with our values, guilt—not shame—is most often the driving force. We feel guilty when we hold up something we’ve done or failed to do against our values and find they don’t match up. It’s an uncomfortable feeling, but one that’s helpful. The psychological discomfort, something similar to cognitive dissonance, is what motivates meaningful change. Guilt is just as powerful as shame, but its influence is positive, while shame’s is destructive. In fact, in my research I found that shame corrodes the very part of us that believes we can change and do better.

 

...shame erodes our courage and fuels disengagement,..

 

 

In her book Daring Greatly: How the Courage ti Be Vulnerable Transforms the Way We Live, Love, Parent and Lead, Brown explores what we can do to cultivate cultures of worthiness, vulnerability, and shame resilience.

 

May your navigating TheUnknown be good traveling.

 

Brené Brown: Listening to shame | Video on TED.com

 

http://www.ted.com/talks/brene_brown_listening_to_shame.html

 

 

 

 

[TheUnknown]

Thanks for the understanding responses Margee and asanerman. Ironically enough I was harder on myself than my Dad and brothers were. I too am sorry about your losses and well, Margee. I also extend my deepest condolences to everyone else in the thread that has lost a loved one as well.

[pratt]

today's the 1st anniversary (lunar calender) of the passing of my dad. mom, brothers, sisters, brother-in-law, nieces and me were at the columbarium to offer prayers and such.

 

its been a year, and it still hurts when i think of him sometimes,,,, guess it will just slowly going to hurt less and less,,,,,,

[Thurisaz]

Technically I guess this is a weird thing to say (I'll blame it on the weekend vodka ), but yeah there's someone I miss at times too. Not a relative or loved one though.

 

"Just" a friend I have known since some 20 years.

 

He died most surprisingly some four years ago (feels like 18 months at best but I know he had just come home from voting for the last national elections which were in 2009). He was a bit younger than me so he must've been around 37 when it hit him. At least he had a quick death - as far as the docs can tell, he just collapsed in front of his PC and perished. Something about a faulty heart.

 

In a different situation I might possibly have forgotten him, mostly, but as it were... many years ago we had been playing the BattleTech boardgame very fanatically. Then I decided that enough's enough and just handed over all the rulebooks and such that I had bought over the years to him as I knew he was still playing. After his surprising death, his lady asked me whether I'd like to have some of his stuff she had no use for and I said yes, figuring that if I can't use it for anything I can still get rid of it.

 

Guess what I "inherited" that way? Yup, almong some few other things, all that I gave to him back then.

 

Every now and then, one of the books and such ends up in my hands without me knowing how it got there, and then I get all melancholical about how some people just die far too soon.

 

At least I intend to keep honoring the man he was for quite some time by enjoying the stuff I got from him. He sure expanded my BattleTech horizon quite  a bit beyond what I ever planned to get.

[leopardus]

This is from back in 2008. I was a fairly new deconvernt then.

 

Why is the death of a pet so hard on us animal lovers?

Today, in my home, we are facing the death of my daughter’s much beloved, 8-year-old calico cat Chip. She was my daughter’s 8^th birthday present. Of course she’s much too young to die. We expected many more years with her sweet, purry, nature. Now this beautiful creature will pass from our lives before sunset. For whatever reason her kidneys have failed, and there is nothing that can be done. It quite took us by surprise. We have a photo of her walking about in the yard less than a week ago and she seemed OK then.

The pretty calico above is Chip

Today Chip is here. She’s so lethargic. We’ll take her to be put down once the summer school day is over and everyone is home. Right now we are so quiet. At various times we sit down and pet the little sweetheart and tell her how sorry we are for this, and tell her how much she is loved and always has been. We think how shocked we feel that one who so recently was wrestling with her fellow cat could now be so obviously ill and dying.

How and why does all this hurt so?

I think it’s in part because good pets are always decent and good. Oh sure, they have their quirks. They may chew on things, and knock things over, and not always come when you call.

But when you’ve had a lousy day, they’re there. You can just pet them and talk at them, and they just let you. Maybe they nuzzle you, or purr, or lay in your lap or at your feet. They don’t care if you had a bad day, or if you're ugly, or anything. They accept you. They ask only food, shelter, and a little attention and kindness.

Like few things in this world, you can count on a good pet.

That’s part of the pain of losing I guess. You’ve always known you could pet, cuddle, and enjoy this loving creature. And now he or she is gone.

Never to see that beautiful, mostly white, calico coat. Never to hear her loud purrs. Never again to touch her sort fur. Never to have her nuzzle a face or hand. Never to look into those big, yellow/green eyes.

And it’s one more thing that reminds you that nothing on earth lasts forever. When your beloved pet goes, you miss them so and at the same time there’s an awareness that everything else will go too. You can’t count on wrapping yourself in your job, or friends, or family, or house, or sports club, or anything; because by and by bits of pieces of it will all pass away.

Losing that precious little beastie hurts because you’ve lost something lovely and lovable, and you can’t help but know that everything else is impermanent too.

That explains a lot of religion. A desire for something permanent that you can rely on, no matter what happens in this life. It’s part of why religions have always been, and always will be, part of human life. We’re all justifiably insecure. We want an anchor.

Wish there really was one.

Meanwhile, we are going to mourn and miss Chip. Poor, little, loveable sweetheart.

- LeoPardus

[Margee]

I'd just like to talk tonight. I need to.

 

Tomorrow my dear mom will be dead for 20 years. She died December 21st, 1994. I was 40 years old. She was 66.

 

 My step-dad who was married to my mom has been in my life since I have been 14 years old is not expected to make it in the next 24-48 hours because of a huge stroke he had last night. We were at the hospital all day. My niece (my girl) is here with me tonight overnight because the doctor said he would call us if he felt he was going 'down', so we could get over to the hospital. We will be waiting all night for the call because the doctor suspects that he could go very fast. He told us to go home and rest. It's so strange to think that if both of them died on the exact same date, 20 years apart? I suppose these coincidences happen. Anyway, he will die with the next few days and I am going to have to have a funeral instead of christmas... just like it was with mom. If anyone ever wondered why I have been a bit of a hum bug at x-mas, it's because they buried her on x-mas eve and my Christmastimes have never felt the same for me. I do try my best to make a nice x-mas for everyone regardless of my feelings..

 

I haven't really liked my step dad for reasons I won't discuss tonight (very valid reasons)..... but as I stood over him tonight as he is dying, my heart felt for this person who has been in my life for so long.

 

I'm very numb and don't know quite what to feel. I have tried very hard to be a good person to him in the last year while he was in the hospital for almost the whole time. I visited him every week and sometimes more. Life was much too busy to post. Most of you know that I look after my 93 year old MIL, so it has made life extremely busy for me.

 

 I never left him out of anything. He came to my house for every birthday party, easter dinner, thanksgiving, Christmas, Sunday dinners and many bar-b-ques. I tried real hard not to leave him out for 20 years. 

 

I guess I'm just asking for some positive thoughts in the next few days because our little christmas party is going to be interrupted with a funeral. We want desperately to make it as good as we can for everyone. The tree is up, the presents are bought and  wrapped including the most beautiful sweater for my step dad and a ton of chocolate like he loved.. I'm mad cause I can't show him how much he would like it because his stroke has Paralyzed  him and he cannot communicate whatsoever. Damn.

 

I'm not sure how I feel tonight..I'm kinda numb and tired and needed to share this with my friends.

 

Thanks for listening and reading.... if you did. I'll keep you up dated....

 

Hugs

[buffettphan]

Oh, Margee, I wish we could all get together and give you lots of real-life hugs!  

 

 

 

 

Be sure to take good care of yourself over this stressful time.

[FreeThinkerNZ]

Hugs, Margee

[Avandris]

Thinking of you Margee! Big hugs to you!

[♦ Fuego ♦]

Hugs Margee!

I lost my dad to stroke just a couple of years ago. My mom passed about 24 years ago. Step-mom was a bitch that eventually divorced my dad a few years before his death. She didn't even care that he had passed, just kind of a "Hmm" reaction.

 

Anyway, hope you can find some joy in the midst.