Galien Posted February 27, 2012 Share Posted February 27, 2012 I don't believe that any life is wasted life. Looking back we usually find we were doing exactly what we wanted to be doing at the time. LIfe is too short for regrets. ...and this is how I know you WANTED to insult me and my husband. Play on Player!! Has no idea what you mean by this Noumena. ...'cause you stay in denial. Whatever though. You remind me of my mother who was very abusive, didn't own up to that fact, and used other people as a scapegoat. Still no clue what you are on about. You could try explaining yourself. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Noumena Posted February 27, 2012 Share Posted February 27, 2012 I don't believe that any life is wasted life. Looking back we usually find we were doing exactly what we wanted to be doing at the time. LIfe is too short for regrets. ...and this is how I know you WANTED to insult me and my husband. Play on Player!! Has no idea what you mean by this Noumena. ...'cause you stay in denial. Whatever though. You remind me of my mother who was very abusive, didn't own up to that fact, and used other people as a scapegoat. Still no clue what you are on about. You could try explaining yourself. You like pissing people off. I know that now. You said it yourself. You are gum underneath my boots is all I'm saying. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lyall Posted February 27, 2012 Author Share Posted February 27, 2012 Noumena, Do your comments have anything to do with me? Do you think I am someone from your past? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Galien Posted February 27, 2012 Share Posted February 27, 2012 I don't believe that any life is wasted life. Looking back we usually find we were doing exactly what we wanted to be doing at the time. LIfe is too short for regrets. ...and this is how I know you WANTED to insult me and my husband. Play on Player!! Has no idea what you mean by this Noumena. ...'cause you stay in denial. Whatever though. You remind me of my mother who was very abusive, didn't own up to that fact, and used other people as a scapegoat. Still no clue what you are on about. You could try explaining yourself. You like pissing people off. I know that now. You said it yourself. You are gum underneath my boots is all I'm saying. What has brought on this most recent delusion that anything I said had anything to do with you at all? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LivingLife Posted February 27, 2012 Share Posted February 27, 2012 Mods, please can we delete the personal war posts. Lyall, part of the healing process is regaining your dignity and self worth, the church sure knows how to fuck that part of us up. No one here is going to criticize you at this juncture as you are not coming over like some self centred person. The story of George is fascinating and yes this is how I also imagined a true xian would be, selfless and doing right for the sake of being just a good person. Maybe this is why he was rejected by the other church members. Often it is said if jesus returned his followers would be the first to recrucify him. We are here to help where needed and even though everyone does not respond, many read your posts. Enjoying your rants. 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lyall Posted February 27, 2012 Author Share Posted February 27, 2012 Galien and LivingLife, Thank you for your kind words and reassurances. It is a little scary giving way to becoming the real me after all this time - I hope I am going to like myself! By the way, I had no idea that these threads could so easily be hi-jacked - I might have to be careful what I say. Kind regards - Lyall Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderator Margee Posted February 27, 2012 Moderator Share Posted February 27, 2012 I don't believe that any life is wasted life. Looking back we usually find we were doing exactly what we wanted to be doing at the time. LIfe is too short for regrets. ...and this is how I know you WANTED to insult me and my husband. Play on Player!! Has no idea what you mean by this Noumena. ...'cause you stay in denial. Whatever though. You remind me of my mother who was very abusive, didn't own up to that fact, and used other people as a scapegoat. Still no clue what you are on about. You could try explaining yourself. You like pissing people off. I know that now. You said it yourself. You are gum underneath my boots is all I'm saying. Why don't you take this somewhere else? This is lyall's thread. Have some goddamn repect - please! Really sorry lyall...... This happens sometimes.... just ignore. 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Deva Posted February 27, 2012 Share Posted February 27, 2012 Lyall, I am late to welcome you, but will do so now! I have read your story and I certainly can understand your desire to get away from it all. You have had a huge heap of responsibility piled on you and now you have had a complete transformation of your thinking so it must seem ten times more overwhelming! Margee has some good advice. Please continue to write it all out on here. At least as much as you feel you can. All cuss words are OK. The first time I wrote a rant, and it might have been my first post, it was about my crummy work situation. Well my situation still sucks but it helped. The post Noumena wrote didn't have anything to do with you. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderator Margee Posted February 27, 2012 Moderator Share Posted February 27, 2012 Thank you for all your words of encouragement people. Sometimes I type away on here and feel very much in control when making my point. But today is different. I am getting my mind back and I still feel that where it has been for forty years has been a waste of brain-power. I have had doubts and questions but I have locked them away with a "do not disturb" sign. I have made decisions that I would not have made if I was not a christian. I have put up with a lot of stuff. Today I can see that I am getting my mind back but cannot see a way to end the charade totally. It is going to sound selfish of me but I want whats left of my life back also but all that I am still belongs to others. I want to break away from everything totally. If you have read the rest of the posts you will see how difficult that desire will be to bring about. Please don't think bad of me - many of you have said how good a person I am to have put up with everything so far - but if you do think I am bad just say so and I will know where I stand. I am not heartless - in fact I am all heart but I know there are things (and people) that will not come out of this with me and right now I want to walk away from the whole lot of it if only it were possible and I am meditating on it point by point... Everything and everyone... I want to walk away and keep going. Sorry Man lyall, can I relate to this!!! If I could turn the hands of the clock back...........I would do everything so different. that's what age does...... gives you the wisdom to figure some things out.....shows you who you really are. Took me a long time to see who I am. I'm still putting those peices of that puzzle together. Saying NO a lot more often....yeah...being a little selfish. You might be surprized at how many people wish they could walk away from their lives and start all over. The thing is there are so many other people involved in one's life. Do I ever wish I could get on a bus and get out of town forever? Yes. But I can't. I can't do this to others. I just know now at my age what kind of life I'd like to have. It's probably not the one I have right now. That's not selfish - it's a realization. Go slow and take your time with making decisions. You don't want to hurt yourself and cause chaos that you can't live with. Every decision must be made carefully. Now the thing is to make the very best of our situations. That's what I am doing. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Noumena Posted February 27, 2012 Share Posted February 27, 2012 Really sorry lyall...... This happens sometimes.... just ignore. I'm sorry too lyall. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lyall Posted February 27, 2012 Author Share Posted February 27, 2012 Dear Deva and Margee Thank you for your welcome and your continuing advice. I cannot really imagine what I would say to someone in my situation because all elements seem to be controlled by a hair-trigger! So I think you are all doing very well with me and I am doing my best to take your recommendations on board and allowing the mists to settle. I suppose I cannot help the way I feel but I am going to monitor it and see how it morphs from day to day (and even moment by moment ! ) By the way, you guys get up really early to come on here... such dedication - I am really glad you are here. Love and respect - Lyall Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lyall Posted February 27, 2012 Author Share Posted February 27, 2012 Really sorry lyall...... This happens sometimes.... just ignore. I'm sorry too lyall. Apology graciously accepted Noumena. Shalom Lyall Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kazza Posted February 27, 2012 Share Posted February 27, 2012 A quick hi from fellow uk ex-c! I was 6 when i became a christian - indoctrinated from birth, and i was 32 and my second child was 6mths old when i deconverted (finally) so i know what you mean about looking back at all those decisions you most certainly would not have made had you not been a christian at the time. Also, looking back, and seeing how it poisoned good things. I'm 3 years deconverted now and things feel better now to when i first deconverted. I went to see a counsellor for about 6months last year and that helped more than i can say. It may be well worth a try for you, its someone in real life you can talk to about it all. Not all counsellors are made equal i find - the one i had was amazing. Good luck lyall - keep talking, working it through - dont give up! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jblueep Posted February 27, 2012 Share Posted February 27, 2012 Hi Lyall, I'm late to the thread as well, but I wanted to welcome you to EX-C. My wife (2Honest) and I relate to your story in many ways. We were both "saved" around the age of 5 and deconverted last November at the age of 38. Up till the very end, we were both very active in the church, leading home groups, etc just like you. 2Honest has been ill for many years, and of course, god never showed up to do anything for her in spite of many prayers, prophesies, words of knowledge, etc. This cycle of belief and disappointment nearly led her to insanity. We got out just in time. Here is one of her EX-C blogs about this: http://www.ex-christ...-faith-healing/ If there are just a few things I could tell you right now, they would be: 1. Stick around. There are lots of loving people here who truly care to help you through this one step at a time. 2. It does get better. We are just 4 months into this and things are infinitely better. Jason 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Akheia Posted February 28, 2012 Share Posted February 28, 2012 Lyall, he's right: it really does get better. Hang in there. We're thinking of you. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
midniterider Posted February 28, 2012 Share Posted February 28, 2012 Welcome to freedom of thought. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
blackpudd1n Posted February 28, 2012 Share Posted February 28, 2012 Hi again Lyall, Your posts genuinely move me, and I feel so utterly useless right now. I don't have any words of advice for you, except to add to the chorus of people who are saying that it does get better. We all go through the process at our own pace; there is no standard length of time that the improvement happens. But it does happen. I deconverted four months ago, and my life has improved radically since. While that may seem quick, I spent a good 7 years reaching that point of deconversion, struggling with questions and doubt. My faith never really recovered when I left my christian ex-husband, as much as I fought to hold onto it. God's promises had been proven false in my life, and I was never able to fully reconcile it, or the questions it led to. I wish I could take away the pain so evident in your posts. But all I have to offer you is my friendship. It feels like it's not enough, and I wish it was more. I hope that you will let us walk with you on your journey. I'm thinking of you. love, Pudd Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lyall Posted February 28, 2012 Author Share Posted February 28, 2012 Welcome to freedom of thought. Means I am free to hate my life is all.... Thank you for the welcome - I said I would monitor my feelings... today I am a miserable SoaB Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Deva Posted February 28, 2012 Share Posted February 28, 2012 I don't believe there is really any such thing as "freedom of thought". Thought is not free but conditioned. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lyall Posted February 28, 2012 Author Share Posted February 28, 2012 Hi Puddin's ma How did u get on at the vet ? Been wondering ever since. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lyall Posted February 28, 2012 Author Share Posted February 28, 2012 I don't believe there is really any such thing as "freedom of thought". Thought is not free but conditioned. Hi Deva, I know just what you mean but recently I have felt free to think what I want without feeling that I should not be thinking it - well, some of the time at least, I still feel guilty about wanting to abandon everything that has attached itself to me during the years of my captivity... this includes a long hard look at some relationships that I feel are a colossal drag to continue with - yes I feel really mean, not like me at all... but I am seeing these relationships for what they are.... errors of judgement... I do not want to be around ANY christians right now.... including those close to home... yes, I feel mean. Lyall Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderator Margee Posted February 28, 2012 Moderator Share Posted February 28, 2012 Means I am free to hate my life is all.... I said I would monitor my feelings... today I am a miserable SoaB Just a big fat hug for you today....Remember..you are allowed to be 'miserable' with us! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Deva Posted February 28, 2012 Share Posted February 28, 2012 Margee is right. Sorry, sometimes I tend to get too philosophical. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lyall Posted February 28, 2012 Author Share Posted February 28, 2012 This double life shennanigans is awkward - I have to be careful logging on here and eliminate all traces afterwards... can be difficult if DW is saying "pass me the laptop - I want to check something really quickly, I won't be a moment then you can have it back" DW is aware that my mood has changed and that I keep going off with the laptop to a different room. This laptop is my window to normality at the moment. Today she was asking me outright "What's happened? Why are you in a mood?" "I know something has happened - I've never seen you with a face that long before" All I can manage in reply is a teenaged grunt. I cannot risk the long face in church - I have to be all sweetness and light to carry off the illusion (bloody good thing I'm an actor isn't it?) But at home it is easier to let the guard down - be more like the new me.... except that DW is on my case now. No, this double life is trickier than I thought it would be. I just wonder what's going to give first. Yours, Lyall Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Denyoz Posted February 29, 2012 Share Posted February 29, 2012 I cannot risk the long face in church - I have to be all sweetness and light to carry off the illusion (bloody good thing I'm an actor isn't it?) You could call in sick, and it wouldn't even be a lie. People sometimes forget that the mind can be sick and it's a real sickness. If you force yourself to do things you don't want to do, you might get sick physically. I would suggest, if you're a good actor, to act sick and stay home, or go to an ex-christian "hospital" with your laptop of course 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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