My Journey From Faith To Thinking (Part 1)

[OMneg]

My husband was the first person I told. I knew he’d be please but the decision had nothing to do with him. It wasn’t really a decision at all. It was a realization and there was no going back.

A week or so before this I read the back jacket of the book he’d been reading, “The God Delusion” by Richard Dawkins. I was appalled that he’d bring such garbage into our home, our Christian home! Well, my Christian home since he was an unapologetic atheist. I thought of reading it so I could debunk the lies it was surely telling him but I think I sensed the danger to my Christian soul so I put it down. Fast forward a week later, the day after our 8 year wedding anniversary, I picked it up again. I couldn’t help myself. I was curious. I said a fervent prayer to God asking Him to keep my faith strong. I knew I was on dangerous ground since I’ve had many challenges and weaknesses in my faith but God had always lifted me out of it. I really didn’t expect it to be goodbye but it was. I must have been dedicated because somehow I made it through Dawkins’ overlong introduction. Then came the second chapter that begins with Dawkins calling God some terrible names: racist, sadomasochistic, bully, misogynistic, and homophobic, to name a few. This is undoubtedly where I would have put the book down if I wasn’t ready for a big change, ready to open my mind and use it to think instead of feel. I was partly offended for God’s sake, partly thrilled that someone had the guts to call God out, and partly angry that I hadn’t seen how ugly my loving Father God was. Instead of putting the book down, I started reading ravenously. I was due at work in an hour so I bought the audio book and downloaded it to my iPod so I could listen to it. I listened all day and all the next day. I was pretty much done with Christianity after the first day but I waited until I finished the book before I told my husband. His response was, “That was awfully fast.” I replied that it seemed that way because I never shared any of my Christian doubts and weaknesses with him. That’s no way to witness to a non believer! My faith had been crumbling for the last year and I wasn’t really aware of it.

[♦ ficino ♦]

Wow, great story, OMneg! I relate to having doubts for some time and then it takes something to push you over the edge so you stop suspending disbelief and finally confront Christianity as the system it is. Welcome!

[mcdaddy]

I'm a recent deconvert myself, and basically the thing that turned me was, getting a library card. There's an overabundance of info out there that shows just how illogical, irrational and even immoral Biblegod is (at times), but obviously "true believers" avoid it like the plague. I think this is because most people are intuitive enough to know deep down that its probably all b.s. I always thought "is this REALLY the ultimate reality of the universe??" for some reason it never felt that way.

 

So instead of only reading apologetics like i did throughout my 20's, about a year ago i started reading things from the other vantage point, and now I'm embarrassed at all the stuff I used to believe. So much easier to see things when you take the rose colored glasses off.

 

Oh, welcome to ExC!!

[OMneg]

Thanks guys. Ficino, it really surprised me how much my faith had crumbled. I was surprised and frightened a bit at how quickly I changed sides but I KNEW it was over. mcdaddy, it's amazing what you can find out when you actually look and allow yourself to see. A library card. I love it!

[mymistake]

Hi OMneg, welcome to ex-C! Great story. So you and your husband have more in common now. Good for you guys.

[Overcame Faith]

Welcome to ExC, OMneg.

 

I'm glad you made it out. Sometimes it just takes a mind that is ready for the truth like yours obviously was. I'm glad your husband is a non-believer because it eliminated the problem that some people have when one discovers the truth about Christianity but the other spouse holds onto it.

[Positivist]

Welcome to Ex-C. OMneg! I really appreciated your story!

[Denyoz]

Hi OMneg,

 

It's encouraging to read your short story (can't wait for Part 2). Sometimes I wonder about my family if they will ever see. I'm having an email exchange with my sister right now about Christianity (she found my testimony on this site), and although she does admit that she doesn't believe everything in the Bible, she still believes in Christ. I don't think there is anything I can say to make her change her mind. I'm not pushing it either (well maybe a bit), I'm just answering her questions because whe wrote to me first. Your journey from faith to thinking gives me hope. Thanks.

 

Denyoz

[Akheia]

Welcome, OMneg I'm happy that now you can be totally honest with your husband--I know how it sucks to feel unable to have a genuine dialogue about your fears and worries with your own spouse. It had to be tough to bottle all that up for all that time. I'm glad you're out of that "loving Father's" cruel, sadistic dogma.

[Margee]

Welome to EX-c OMneg! I absolutly loved your story along with the quick deconversion! My faith had also been faltering over the years, but when it really hit me that I didn't believe in god.......I went through the worst grieveing!!

 

I am so glad you are here with us.......please post more....I found this to be quite uplifting!!

Glad to have you with us!

[blackpudd1n]

Hi OM,

 

My deconversion was just as quick as yours, though it had been many years coming. I watched a documentary, and everything was just making so much sense, that I put it on again the next day, watched it again, and that was the end of it for me. It was literally all over, everything just came together in my mind.

 

I'm glad you've joined us here, I look forward to reading the second part of your story

 

love, Pudd

[OMneg]

Welcome to ExC, OMneg.

 

I'm glad you made it out. Sometimes it just takes a mind that is ready for the truth like yours obviously was. I'm glad your husband is a non-believer because it eliminated the problem that some people have when one discovers the truth about Christianity but the other spouse holds onto it.

It's mind blowing that I did make it out. I believed so much impossible crap. I can't imagine being married to a zealous believer. I don't know how my husband put up with me. I am very lucky!

[OMneg]

Hi OMneg,

 

Sometimes I wonder about my family if they will ever see. I'm having an email exchange with my sister right now about Christianity (she found my testimony on this site), I'm just answering her questions because whe wrote to me first. Your journey from faith to thinking gives me hope. Thanks.

 

Denyoz

I've been working on my testimony for some time and undecided if I wanted to post it but I'd like to ask a friend to come here and read it. Others have directed their loved ones to their testimonies to help them explain and it's a great idea. I hope your sister is willing to open her eyes. It's so hard to let go of the familiar. I thought I'd rather die than lose my faith. The reality is that I'm a happier, more balanced, better person without it.

[OMneg]

Welcome, OMneg I'm happy that now you can be totally honest with your husband--I know how it sucks to feel unable to have a genuine dialogue about your fears and worries with your own spouse. It had to be tough to bottle all that up for all that time. I'm glad you're out of that "loving Father's" cruel, sadistic dogma.

I can't believe I bought that load of crap about God being loving. Goes to show how I ended up in abusive relationships years ago. So sick.

You know the worst part about not being able to 'be honest' was trying to act like I was perfect so he could see God's love through me. I was racked with guilt that I couldn't be better. I knew it wasn't rational but I blamed myself for not being good enough to convert him.

[OMneg]

Margee, I've read a lot of your posts and you are so good at putting into words the things I've felt. So much heartache. It's good to see that you are healing. You are such a neat and loving person. I really look up to you and respect you. I think A LOT of people here feel the same.

Pudd, It's interesting to meet someone who left the faith quite suddenly like I did. We all want to connect be understood, right? I'm glad you're here.

[OMneg]

I don't know how to retitle my original title and take the Part 1 out. Oh well.

 

Part 2 Depression

 

My faith had been crumbling for the last year and I wasn’t really aware of it. I still don’t know what exactly happened except that it had been a rough year emotionally. I had sunk into a depression in September of the prior year, 2009. Thankfully, I realized that I had a problem and went to the doctor and got some counseling and meds. But what exactly caused this depression? Lots of things but a couple things stand out. My cousin and I were really close. We talked about God a few times and I got the impression that she sort of believed but wasn’t really into it. We hung out regularly and she became my closest confidante, my best friend. In 2008 her boyfriend was diagnosed with lung cancer. It was devastating news. I was there for her as much as I could be (1 ½ hour drive away) and tried not to blab too much God stuff at her since I knew he wasn’t a Christian but it killed me to think he was going to Hell. I did not share this thought with her, though I found out later that she has another Christian friend who didn’t have the same qualm about telling her he was going to Hell. I’ve lost too many people that I’ve loved to cancer, especially lung cancer. As much as it hurt to go through those losses, it hurt a lot more to see my dear friend lose the love of her life. He died in March of 2009. His name was Roger and he was the first person that I knew who died and was destined for Hell. It was doubly heartbreaking. I was busy trying to be a shoulder for my cousin and I deal with things slowly so it wasn’t until September that I began to be really bothered by Roger’s death. I finally had a talk with God and I ended up rationalizing the Hell concept. I decided that there has to be a second chance after we die to really understand who God is in case we didn’t ‘get it’ when we were alive. If God loves us enough to send his only son to live a miserable life and die a painful death for our sins, then He surely will give us every chance possible to accept the gift of eternal life in Heaven. We humans must have misunderstood the Bible. God wants ‘none to perish’. He didn’t really have anything to say to this. A day or so later, I was listening to one of my favorite pod casters, Charles Stanley, and he was talking about Hell. Boy, did he blow my theory out of the water, but the critical thinking had already started. If God loves us so much that he’d send his son to die and he wants none of us to perish, why would he allow it? Hmmm. Something is really wrong here! I had lost someone I cared about and watched it nearly destroy my cousin and I was very emotionally invested. I was mad! I hadn’t been mad at God since I was a teenager (or hadn’t admitted it). This was probably the first big chink in my Christian armor and helped with the slide into depression. The other was my relationship with my cousin. We had started to spend more time together since she wasn’t having to take care of her boyfriend and she needed to be reminded to live. But our time together wasn’t as wholesome as it used to be. We listened to music that we both loved but that was far from Christian and we talked about things that made me feel dirty because I was so brainwashed. I would come away from our time together feeling guilty even though we didn’t do anything wrong. It felt wrong from a Christian point of view. I started to struggle with our friendship and see the gap in our viewpoints. Good ‘ole Charles Stanley had a few things to say about our friendship. That we Christians shouldn’t be friends with non believers. It broke my heart and made me mad but I started distancing myself from my cousin at a time when she needed me most. I take full responsibility for my choice but I am so full of remorse and anger even now for hurting someone I love so much in the name of God. The guilt, even then, was terrible. It, along with the Hell concept pushed me into a depression that I needed help to get out of. I started feeling better around the first of 2010. I had backed off on the Charles Stanley pod casts since I didn’t like what he was saying but I still listened to a couple apologetics. In January I was listening to a pod cast that I’d heard a few years before. The first time I heard it I was distracted and ‘wowed’ by the biology being explained but the second time I saw all sorts of holes and (possibly) dishonesty in the arguments. I was starting to think! I was still a Christian and couldn’t imagine being anything different but less than a month later, my world changed.

I remember this feeling of unreality, as if I had woken up one morning and the sky was fuchsia. I felt free and happier than I had been in a long time. My husband and I connected on a whole different level since he’d been an atheist for years. We could really talk and understand each other for the first time. It was very good for our marriage. I had this fear that he would decide to become a Christian but that didn’t last long. What a terrible irony that would be!

It took me a couple weeks to realize that my family and friends might try to blame him for my deconversion. It would be dishonest to say it had nothing to do with him since I wouldn’t have had a Dawkins book in my home if I hadn’t married an atheist . It could have happened if I had married a Christian but the path would have been different. My point is that my husband avoided discussing religion with me even though I wanted to discuss (argue) it.

I was thrilled to be able to listen to secular music again. I absolutely love heavy metal but God took most of that away. I did get into some good Christian music and went to a lot of good concerts but there is nothing like heavy, angry music. I have always had a filthy mouth and only felt bad about it as a Christian. It was nice to be able to say whatever I wanted and not feel guilty (in the right setting of course). I know those are simple things but why does Christianity have to suck the simple pleasures out of life?

It really hit me that I only have one life and I can live it how I choose but once it’s over, it’s over. That’s heavy. I started trying to mend relationships. I apologized to my cousin and owned up to my hurtful behavior. I’m not sure our relationship will ever be the same but I hope my apology meant something to her without hurting her further. I found myself avoiding friends that are deeply Christian. I finally came out to a dear friend and thoroughly expected to lose her friendship but we are still friends, closer in some ways. I’ve reconnected with a friend who is an atheist who I would go rounds with and finally got too tired to deal with (there was other stuff) and we drifted apart. So far, there hasn’t been any real fallout but my family doesn’t know and it’s harder the longer it goes. I’m getting so comfortable with myself that I worry it will just pop out on accident. (Random things do sometimes and my husband gives me his ‘be careful’ look.)

At first I just enjoyed living my life without God looming over my shoulder, listening to my every thought. It didn't take long before I started to miss Him. My life had started to fall apart. My sister and I (who have always been very close) had drifted apart and around the time of my deconversion we had a HUGE blow up. I had a lot of stress at work and then my truck broke down. I was starting to wonder if I had it wrong. Was God punishing me for turning my back on Him? It was a terrifying thought. I reasoned it out and realized that it wasn’t the first time in my life that a lot of shit hit the fan at the same time. It was the first time it happened without God there to hold my hand. It was a lonely time. I had lost my ‘best friend’. The only one who loved me, all of me, without reservation, unconditionally. Who knew me, the good, the bad, and the ugly and loved me anyway. No one else had ever made me feel that way. He was the only one I could count on when no one else was there. To realize that He wasn’t really there, that I had made Him up, was tough to face. I felt like He forsook me and it hurt like hell. Then I’d remind myself that He didn’t because He couldn’t because He doesn’t exist! I had to do this often. There were lots of tears and I’m not one to cry much. I tried praying just for the comfort of it, even though I knew no one was listening. I did this for a few months before I realized it was unhealthy so I stopped. I mourned the loss of God as if He were a loved one who died, except there was more anger there. I was so angry. I was in a rage most of the time. Sometimes I was afraid to go to work for fear of what I might say to a co-worker or stranger.

I wasn’t mad at anyone in particular. Why should I be mad at my mom for taking me to church? She was fed the same line of crap and was passing it on as a good Christian should. Should I be mad at the church I went to? Which one? I met a lot of loving people at church. I had mostly good experiences at church. I couldn’t see any point in being angry with the people who wrote the Bible. They are long dead. Should I be mad at God? Yes! But there is no God! I had no one to direct my anger at and that made me angrier. But the realization was a beginning for my healing. Even now, a year later, I carry some of that anger but the edge has worn off.

Even in the darkest, most painful moment, I wouldn’t have changed it if I could. Once my eyes were open to the evil that God stood for, I couldn’t go back but I wished that He were the kind, loving God who I made Him out to be. I was a ‘Feeling Christian’ and I swallowed everything they told me. If I had questions, I pushed them away. I read Christian apologetics like Lee Strobel to support my belief. Now I’m amazed at my ignorance and naivety but I hope I have learned a valuable lesson. I don’t claim to know that there is no God but the evidence doesn’t support the Christian God. I never want to believe something for the sake of belief or to expect everyone to think like I do.

I’m free from having to judge those I love. One of my best friends is bisexual. I’ve always loved her but it was a struggle when she would talk about being with other women. I really didn’t care personally but the Bible told me it was wrong so I had to think it was wrong. Same with divorce. Another dear friend went through a painful divorce and while I was mostly supportive, I would have been more so if I hadn’t been a judgemental Christian. I’m ashamed at a lot of decisions I made as a Christian. I’m learning from those bad decisions and I have chosen to live a life of integrity and love for those around me. I can now see how unloving and hypocritical the Christian faith is.

[Thought2Much]

I reasoned it out and realized that it wasn’t the first time in my life that a lot of shit hit the fan at the same time. It was the first time it happened without God there to hold my hand.

 

Thank you for sharing all of this with us. The bit above really stood out for me. It seems a lot of newly deconverted people face this problem, but have trouble reaching the conclusion that you did.

[Akheia]

It's just amazing to read your story. Thank you for sharing it. I also really noticed we shared the same sort of anger at God's nonexistence, with nothing to direct it at. I don't know if this might help a little, but it did help me: God didn't exist, so those feelings of him holding your hand were you being there for yourself. And you're still here.

[2Honest]

It wasn’t really a decision at all. It was a realization and there was no going back.

 

I said a fervent prayer to God asking Him to keep my faith strong. I knew I was on dangerous ground since I’ve had many challenges and weaknesses in my faith but God had always lifted me out of it. I really didn’t expect it to be goodbye but it was.

 

My faith had been crumbling for the last year and I wasn’t really aware of it.

 

 

I finally had a talk with God and I ended up rationalizing the Hell concept. I decided that there has to be a second chance after we die to really understand who God is in case we didn’t ‘get it’ when we were alive. If God loves us enough to send his only son to live a miserable life and die a painful death for our sins, then He surely will give us every chance possible to accept the gift of eternal life in Heaven. We humans must have misunderstood the Bible. God wants ‘none to perish’.

 

I remember this feeling of unreality, as if I had woken up one morning and the sky was fuchsia. I felt free and happier than I had been in a long time.

 

It was a lonely time. I had lost my ‘best friend’. The only one who loved me, all of me, without reservation, unconditionally. Who knew me, the good, the bad, and the ugly and loved me anyway. No one else had ever made me feel that way. He was the only one I could count on when no one else was there. To realize that He wasn’t really there, that I had made Him up, was tough to face. I felt like He forsook me and it hurt like hell. Then I’d remind myself that He didn’t because He couldn’t because He doesn’t exist! I had to do this often. There were lots of tears and I’m not one to cry much.

 

OMneg, thanks so much for sharing your experience. I related to a lot of the things you said...especially the quotes above. I came out of the fog pretty quickly, too. Once I allowed myself to really doubt and look at things objectively, it all crumbled. It really was like waking up from a dream.

 

Glad you are here, hope you can hang out with us for awhile.

[OMneg]

I reasoned it out and realized that it wasn’t the first time in my life that a lot of shit hit the fan at the same time. It was the first time it happened without God there to hold my hand.

 

Thank you for sharing all of this with us. The bit above really stood out for me. It seems a lot of newly deconverted people face this problem, but have trouble reaching the conclusion that you did.

Thank you, Trapped. It was a pivotal moment for me when I realized that because I had nagging doubts that I had made a grave mistake. It enabled me to move forward without looking back and without doubting.

It's just amazing to read your story. Thank you for sharing it. I also really noticed we shared the same sort of anger at God's nonexistence, with nothing to direct it at. I don't know if this might help a little, but it did help me: God didn't exist, so those feelings of him holding your hand were you being there for yourself. And you're still here.

Akheai, What an amazing concept. It's hard even now to wrap my mind around. I'm more confident in some ways because I know that I can rely on me. I've also lost something that I'm working to get back, even though it wasn't ever gone.

 

 

OMneg, thanks so much for sharing your experience. I related to a lot of the things you said...especially the quotes above. I came out of the fog pretty quickly, too. Once I allowed myself to really doubt and look at things objectively, it all crumbled. It really was like waking up from a dream.

 

Glad you are here, hope you can hang out with us for awhile.

I still don't know why it crumbled so fast. It was as if I took a class in critical thinking and applied it. I still have little realizations and get to relive the wonder over again. It has been painful but wonderful at the same time to 'wake up'. It's great that you and your husband have each other for support and to share those moments of realization.

[OMneg]

This is it. The last two parts. Thanks for sticking with it.

Part 3 History

 

We went to a Southern Baptist church from the time I was six. My younger years were a lot of fun. When I was twelve and thought I was feeling the pull from the Holy Spirit, the pastor advised me to get baptized “because the feeling may only come once in a lifetime“. That kind of scared me so I got baptized even though I was unsure. Well, it didn’t take because I did some major backsliding as a young adult so I did it again in my late twenties. It worked for a while…

We went through a few pastors but finally landed a permanent pastor. Their daughter, a boy I grew up with, and I made up our youth group. It was a fun little group for a year or two. One of my first boyfriends was kind of a bad boy but I dragged him to church with me. My parents were concerned that I was having sex with this boy and asked the youth leaders to have a talk with me. I wasn’t nor was I even thinking about it so it was very uncomfortable and inappropriate. For some reason, the youth leaders were convinced I was up to no good and started giving me the cold shoulder. I loved these people and I was so hurt when they turned their backs on me. It was my first real view of the hypocrisy and judgmental ways of Christians. Even so, I had a mostly happy experience in the church I grew up in. I had stopped going there by the time I was 16 or 17 so I saw most everything through a child’s eyes. I wonder what I would have seen as an adult. I rededicated my life to God when I was 20, during a Billy Graham Crusade and started going to a small start up church that consisted of a dozen or so people. I had been attending weekly services for a couple months when they dropped their bombshell. Three of the people, one being the pastor, had three separate visions that were interlinked to be a vision of the biggest, best church ever. I guess they thought this made it sound less crazy since three of them had visions, not just one. I was raised in a very vanilla church, no tongues, no rolling around, heck, not even any hands raised in the air! So I was kind of creeped out. I think I was supposed to be impressed. My attendance became spotty. Shortly after that, my eighteen year old, engaged sister, became pregnant with a child that she desperately wanted. When I told the pastor’s wife she said in the saddest voice, “I’m sorry.” I can still feel the angry tears threaten as I write this. I never went back. Having that experience discouraged me from attending church for a long time. I had a lot of fun partying in my twenties but I always felt guilty because I knew I was sinning. (If only I could go back and truly enjoy it without the guilt!) I went through some really bad stuff when I was 26 and was very lonely. I started concentrating on my relationship with god. I thought he got me through some very hard times and led me to my husband, who is strangely enough, not a Christian. The entire year we were engaged, I prayed to god to tell me if I was making the wrong decision. I didn’t know why god was allowing me to marry a non christian but He apparently was. About a year into our marriage, I started attending church again, and got re-baptized. I went to church for about a year and Sundays were strained. My husband wouldn’t admit it but it pissed him off that I went to church. I could tell because he was unpleasant when I came home from church but I told myself it was persecution from Satan so it was worth it. I’m not very social so the whole church thing got old for me. I kept telling myself I needed my ‘church family’ because that’s what they told me but I eventually stopped going. I tried a couple other churches but I eventually gave up. I wish someone could have told me that it wasn’t something to feel guilty over and that not everyone is social. I never understood that church is really a social gathering for people that share the same beliefs. My lack of need for the socializing has been a great benefit in my deconversion as I haven’t had to mourn those lost relationships. During this time, I really got into christian music. I noticed that the hard rock/ metal that I like so much left me feeling riled up and feisty but christian music left me feeling happy and high. I attended several christian concerts and the high was awesome. It couldn’t be sustained and I thought there was something wrong with my faith. Why could I get excited and holler for the bands but be so meek and shy in church when my fellow church goers were speaking out and raising their hands during service? (A bit more ‘alive’ than the church I grew up in but still very tame by most standards.) Was it because I loved the bands more than I loved god? It nagged at me but I lived for those concerts. It was my release. Meanwhile, I went to a Metallica concert with my husband and was almost miserable. I felt like it was wrong to cheer for them and cringed when they cussed. It was sad, especially since Metallica is one of my favorite bands ever, even as a christian. A christian friend told me that my turning away from metal and going towards christian pop/ rock was a great testimony. Gag.

I enjoyed getting together with a few girlfriends for christian girl’s night. Sometimes our talk veered far from christian topics and I left feeling dirty and guilty. I can look back at this and the Metallica concert and see how much my own beliefs twisted experiences and made them something that was bad when I could have been enjoying myself and not beating myself up for it at the time or later. Our group of friends became closer and more focused until we invited a new girl, Michelle, in who was unbalanced but we didn’t know it. She had an agenda and that was to keep Jessi from divorcing her abusive husband (who she’d already left, thank goodness!) She convinced two of the other girls to join her in an intervention that, strangely, didn’t include myself. I often wonder if it would have turned out different. I’m shy and meek but don’t screw with the people I love! Three girls invited themselves to Jessi’s home and proceeded to threaten her with visions that her children would be harmed in the most terrible ways by the new man she had barely started dating and who they had never met. That she would be blessed greatly if she returned to her abusive husband but if she didn’t she’d lose her kids (after awful things happened to them). This was like a punch to the gut for Jessi. She started believing what they were saying but her eyes were opened rather quickly when Michelle started flopping around on the floor and ‘choking’ because she was being attacked by a demon that manifested when Jessi asked them to leave. (Her grandmother’s funeral was the next day and it was 2 AM. Interesting emotional timing on the intervention.) The other two girls prayed. No one thought to call an ambulance for this poor girl that was flopping around choking! After lots more conversation and prayer and deception Jessi again asked the three girls to leave. When I was told about the intervention, I was stunned. I thought my friends had lost it! I believed in god, and all the crazy stuff in the bible but to think that a demon attacked Michelle! I was pretty sure that was fake. I stayed in touch with the girl closest to Michelle, though our relationship was strained. It was about a year later that this girl had her own experience with Michelle that led her to see that she was nuts. It also made her question her part in what happened that fateful night and she has since apologized, although she’s still a christian and believes some crazy stuff that I won’t go into. We’re still friends. Because our friendship was based on our mutual belief I had to tell her. I was avoiding her and realized that if we had a chance of staying friends, I’d have to tell her.

 

Part 4 Healing

This final part was written a year after the first 3 parts. (I’m kind of trippin because I just noticed it’s been a year exactly. I didn’t plan it this way.) I wasn’t sure if I was going to share any of this with you guys but it was very healing to write it out for myself. Thanks for listening!

I went to a funeral for my cousin’s friend’s husband a few months after my deconversion. In other words, I didn’t know the guy who died. It was my first religious service since the deconversion so I thought it would be a good test of where I was. It was awful! It seemed to last forever and the pastor preached a fire and brimstone type sermon. It was appalling and offensive, especially for a funeral. I was there as a support person for my cousin but it was all I could do not to walk out. I couldn’t look at my cousin because every time I did we started giggling. I was raised to be respectful but Oh Boy was I tested! The pastor seemed to zero in on us and made a point of talking to us at the reception. I felt like he thought he needed to save our souls. I was offended and amused at the same time.

The next funeral I attended was 8 months after my deconversion and it was for someone that I knew. It was a beautiful funeral, with lots of love and memories. (I mentioned that I’m not a very emotional person.) I fought to keep from breaking down during the service. Then they played “I can only imagine” by MercyMe. I always wondered what I would do when I met Jesus. I didn’t really know but the song always touched me deeply and it was my undoing. I mourned. I mourned the loss of this man in his prime and I mourned the loss of my god. The god who loved me. The loss of never getting to meet Jesus and experience his love first hand. I sobbed and sobbed. My mom held me and I just couldn’t stop crying. As embarrassing as it was, it was rather cathartic. It was my final goodbye to God and his Son. I don’t want to downplay the importance of the person who passed away. I didn’t know him well but he was to play an important role in my future and with his passing my life changed. By attending his funeral I realized just what a special person he was and it bothers me greatly to this day that I do not have him in my life. I still mourn him more than a year later. I don’t mourn god so much. That is progress.

The first year was a roller coaster. I was so angry. I was so lost. I knew that my sense of right and wrong hadn’t changed but it was scary to be so angry and it made me wonder if I really was a bad person. I wondered if I’d ever be okay again. I was pissed that I was donating so much money to christian organizations when I couldn’t afford it so I cut it way back. That made me feel like an asshole. I was more willing to put myself first and that made me feel like an asshole. It took a long time to realize just how angry I was. It wasn’t until a year or so later that I started to settle into my new self and let go of the anger. It’s been two years now and I’m much more content. I’m relearning who I am, learning to like myself, to let go of the guilt addiction. I don’t feel like I’m being watched all the time, like someone is up there with a chalkboard keeping track of my sins and wiping them out when I pray to ask for forgiveness. I’m not responsible for anyone else’s salvation. I’m proud of my accomplishments and I’m happy to own up to my faults because they are mine and I‘m responsible for them. Which means I can change. I don’t know how many times I begged god to make me a better person, to deliver me from particular bad habits but he never did. I don’t ‘miss’ god very often. When life gets crazy I do sort of pray but it’s not directed towards any god. It’s mostly for myself, like a wish that I’m putting my energy into, just in case. Rationally I know it’s unlikely it will help but it makes me feel better, like I’m doing something. It’s hard when people are going through difficult things because I can’t tell them that I’ll pray for them (and I don't). It makes me realize that people say they will pray because it makes them feel like they are doing something to help when there is nothing they can do.

Critical thinking has become my friend. I believed so many obvious lies and inconsistencies for so long. I never want to be that person again so it’s hard when I see my friends doing it. My hardcore christian friends are terrible at critical thinking. It bothers me so much because it’s more than just false beliefs they are spewing. It’s perpetuating lies, sometimes dangerous. It’s hard not to correct them and sometimes I do it anyway even if it might mean outting myself (I‘m not a confrontation person but if they start it, I‘ll say my piece). I go back and forth on whether or not I want to tell my family. I really want to but it what it boils down to for me is that I think it would be mostly selfish since it doesn‘t cause me very much discomfort but it would hurt them greatly. I remember that pain, quite well, of worrying for my husband’s soul and being separated from him in the afterlife. My family is not over the top religious but they do truly believe. I can deal with the little Christian sayings even if I don’t like them. I can pretend to pray at meals. If that is all I have to do, I can live this lie. If I’m asked to do more, to actively participate, lie, or discuss I will have to come out (as I had to do with the friend I mentioned). I seriously doubt they will blackball me but it will hurt them. It makes me sad and frustrated that I can’t share this part of myself but I think it’s for the best.

I rarely listen to christian music. It still hurts too much and there aren’t a lot of songs I really like since the emotion is gone. That’s okay because I still have Metallica! I still listen to christian apologetics on occasion to see if I can pick out the logical fallacies (i.e. lies - really, some of these people are so intelligent they have to be lying). I’m no longer on a journey to please some arrogant, nonexistent god. I’m on a journey for myself, my one life and I choose to live it in truth.

[Akheia]

Wow, what a roller coaster.

 

I'm glad you have a spouse who is onboard with your religious sentiment. I'm also glad you didn't listen to anybody who tried to tell you not to marry an unbeliever! Even then you kind of knew, I bet. I feel honored to have read what you wrote and want you to know that you're in my thoughts.

[OMneg]

Thankyou, Akheia! I am lucky that I have the support of my husband and my family loves him even though he doesn't believe. No one ever tried to talk me out of marrying him which is a big reason why I don't think they will turn their backs on me if they know the truth. I probably did have a part that doubted, even then, but it wasn't until I started seeking God that the doubts surfaced. I know my story isn't as tragic or even as interesting as some others but it is mine. I am so thankful for this community! Thank you very much for you thoughts and your kind words.

[Spectrox]

My husband was the first person I told. I knew he’d be please but the decision had nothing to do with him. It wasn’t really a decision at all. It was a realization and there was no going back.

A week or so before this I read the back jacket of the book he’d been reading, “The God Delusion” by Richard Dawkins. I was appalled that he’d bring such garbage into our home, our Christian home! Well, my Christian home since he was an unapologetic atheist. I thought of reading it so I could debunk the lies it was surely telling him but I think I sensed the danger to my Christian soul so I put it down. Fast forward a week later, the day after our 8 year wedding anniversary, I picked it up again. I couldn’t help myself. I was curious. I said a fervent prayer to God asking Him to keep my faith strong. I knew I was on dangerous ground since I’ve had many challenges and weaknesses in my faith but God had always lifted me out of it. I really didn’t expect it to be goodbye but it was. I must have been dedicated because somehow I made it through Dawkins’ overlong introduction. Then came the second chapter that begins with Dawkins calling God some terrible names: racist, sadomasochistic, bully, misogynistic, and homophobic, to name a few. This is undoubtedly where I would have put the book down if I wasn’t ready for a big change, ready to open my mind and use it to think instead of feel. I was partly offended for God’s sake, partly thrilled that someone had the guts to call God out, and partly angry that I hadn’t seen how ugly my loving Father God was. Instead of putting the book down, I started reading ravenously. I was due at work in an hour so I bought the audio book and downloaded it to my iPod so I could listen to it. I listened all day and all the next day. I was pretty much done with Christianity after the first day but I waited until I finished the book before I told my husband. His response was, “That was awfully fast.” I replied that it seemed that way because I never shared any of my Christian doubts and weaknesses with him. That’s no way to witness to a non believer! My faith had been crumbling for the last year and I wasn’t really aware of it.

 

Great story. Richard Dawkins would be pleased! Whilst I think The God Delusion could have been better written in places, I found it to have some good weapons of reason and logic in its armoury. It exposed the Bible for the complete Croc that it is (amongst other books). Glad you connected with your integrity and honesty during what must have been a massive transition for you. Keep hold of this. It's precious.

[Akheia]

You don't need to have a hugely tragic story. Just an honest one. Christians love the dramatic stories best, don't they? The most sinful, the most debauched, the most sunk in sin. If you need to embellish a bit to make it all the more awe-inspiring that God would lift you out of that muck, all the better! The better the contrast before and after, the better the story and the more attention you get! And the more powerful your Christian walk will be. Mundane "well, it made sense, that's all" testimonies are for the rank-and-file, the pew-warmers. Christians who are GOING PLACES WITH GOD know that to really start off on the right foot, you need to have a nice demonic possession in your past. I sat through enough of those to know that the Church pays the most attention to the squeakiest, most sinful wheels--and sat through my Evil Ex's largely-made-up testimony often enough to see that they'll believe absolutely anything. I'm willing to bet donuts that any very dramatic testimony told by any major Christian figure is probably 90% malarkey.

 

By contrast, ex-Christians by and large don't have hugely dramatic stories. Some folks do (largely due to the fallout from others about the decision, not the decision itself), and that's totally fine of course, but I sure don't. There was a time when it made sense, and then it stopped making sense, and then I stopped doing Christian things. It was a slow trickle of "hey wait a minute" inconsistencies and issues that finally added up to "I can't do this anymore." I think a lot of ex-Christians are like that. You're awesome for sharing such a powerful and touching story, and I'm glad you're taking the time to share it all. I think it's very important to have stories like this in our shared lexicon, so others who are still struggling to "come out" can see that they're in good company.