I Am An Ex-Mormon

[Dwayne]

I joined this board a little while back. I posted as a faithfully dissenting and inclusive Latter-day Saint. I posted mostly in the General Theology section, I believe.

 

I was raised a 5th generation LDS. I served faithfully in the capacity of my young priesthood callings as a teenager and I also served a 2 year faithful mission for the church.

 

What was difficult was that as a teenager I began to see what would eventually be termed 'spiritual violence' happening both in the life of the church and also in scripture. I was too young really to understand what was taking place. I expressed my concern only once to a former bishop and I was told to just trust God, and to trust that God was leading the Brethren (church authorities) in the way He saw fit for His church. At that time I believe I was 16 and fairly naive to American religious experience except of that of my own and very little of my family's.

 

Serving my mission was an eye opening experience. It showed me the fruit of all life and the sanctity that is our humanity and how fragile it really is. I embraced an attitude of deeper compassion for those whom I was trying to serve and the surrounding communities. It was then that I started to consider more intimately my testimony. I was striving to understand what it was that I was testifying truthfulness to. Eventually, I gained my testimony while serving a very impoverished family. I felt the love of God not only for myself but for this family.

 

After my mission, I began a more rigorous path of education in the field of religious studies and focusing on ancient Christology and NT studies. I'm still working on it, actually. Out of the ashes of scripture study and embracing the disciplines of redaction, literary and textual criticisms arose a deeply seeded sense of doubt. I started to have my real first faith crisis. A close friend pointed me in the direction of Paul James Toscano, a member of the September Six who were excommunicated for apostasy in 1993. I read his essay/speech "The Sacrament of Doubt". The essay taught me to embrace the irony of faith and to recognize the arrogance and narcissism of certainty that damages faith. I still love Toscano's work and I love his wife Margaret's work on Mormon Feminism. They are wonderful people.

 

Fast forward to January 2012. I started researching the Mormon church's history, doctrine and practice from its earliest inception several years ago and decided that I would find ways to reconcile the controversies through the discipline of Mormon Apologetics. I continued on this path until quite recently. For some reason, January seemed to be a more earnest month of research and reflection for me. I no longer felt the good feelings from reading scripture, prayer became laborious even in the midst of constant and consistent practice. I talked to my bishop about it. He told me that I was doing everything right and that I would be rewarded for my faith perseverence. I got up on Fast and Testimony Sunday at the beginning of February to bear my testimony of the truthfulness of the gospel. I thought I had been impressed to do so since I had not in quite some time. I thought I should share just as my other peers were sharing. I stood at the pulpit when it was my turn. I stared blankly at the congregation as they anticipated what they, myself included, thought was going to be a faith building speech. I got nervous and my hand were sweaty and my mouth was dry. I tried several times to begin sharing my faith. Then it hit me. I remember clearly what I said:

 

"Forgive me. I thought I had a testimony to share but I don't. I thought I did but not anymore. I apologize for taking time away from those who wish to share."

 

I left the pulpit and went to sit in my place in the pews. Instead, I grabbed my scriptures and I left.

 

My bishop's secretary contacted me the next day to set up a meeting. I agreed to do so. I wanted to explain myself as much as he may have wanted an explanation. I reduced what could have been a long strenuous meeting to a list of reasons why I lost faith and am beginning a recovery from religious addiction. My main focus points were:

 

a) the history of God

the inconsistency between the Hebrew Bible and the NT

c) Orthodox Christian truth claims

d) textual and redaction criticism

e) history of the LDS church; its white-washing and sanitizing

f) religious elitism of the LDS church and mainstream Protestant Christianity

g) the lack of Mormon and Christian relevance to my overall life experience

h) oppression and disenfranchisement of blacks, women, intellectuals and homosexuals

 

I explained myself as briefly and concisely as possible so as not to leave any question about where my faith no longer was. I mailed my letter of resignation to him later that week and received a confirmation from the Membership Records at the Church Office Building in Salt Lake City.

 

Now I get to say this:

 

I'm Dway. I'm an activist, a feminist, an intellectual, a humanist. I am happy and more at peace than I have ever been in my life. I am an Ex-Mormon.

[marmot]

Loved your story. Thanks for sharing.

[Positivist]

Welcome!! I loved your story.

 

I live in a town that has a significant LDS population. In my professional capacity, I am often approached for spiritual conversations (obviously, they have no idea what they're getting into when they start in on me ). One Mormon 'princess' who struts around regularly actually witnessed to me. I was too polite to interrupt her, but after 1.5 hours (!!!) I finally said, "Look. Joseph Smith was a delusional, narcissistic pedophile. That kind of religion just doesn't interest me."

 

Belief is such a strange phenomenon.

 

Anyhow, I'm glad you saw the light and are free to be yourself and find your own rational beliefs. How did your family take it?

[Dwayne]

Welcome!! I loved your story.

 

Thank you.

 

Belief is such a strange phenomenon.

 

I would agree.

 

Anyhow, I'm glad you saw the light and are free to be yourself and find your own rational beliefs. How did your family take it?

 

I'm glad as well. My parents are struggling with it pretty bad. My mom keeps our phone conversations short because she has a tendency to cry when concerned for her children. My dad seems as though he is ready to have a full blown meltdown but is doing all he can to restrain himself. 2 of my sisters won't talk to me. My brother and last sister are actually really cool with it. They are progressive Mormons. My brother is somewhat obsessed with personal religious beliefs being tied to psychology and my sister is an aspiring philosopher. I guess, to answer your question, it's definitely in emotional overload and some reactor is gonna go off.

[Overcame Faith]

Hi, Dwayne, and welcome to ExC. I'm glad you're here.

 

I found you extimony very touching and moving. It must have been extremely difficult to find yourself standing at the pulpit, all your fellow congregants watching and waiting, and to realize you had nothing to say. I think the way you handled the situation was well done on your part. If I were your father, I would have been prouder of you at that moment, perhaps, than at any other time. It took real courage for you to say what you did and not to lie to the people and say what you know they wanted to hear.

[Akheia]

Dwayne, welcome. That was amazingly moving to read. I can't say enough how I admire you for the courage you displayed on that pulpit. The strength it took to journey that far that fast is difficult for me to even comprehend, but here you are. Please accept my encouragement to continue your educational journey--you have an excellent writing style and I suspect you could be a real help to others in your position struggling.

 

(Somewhat OT: Funny, last night I was reading Godless in BYU and ended up linked to all sorts of ex-Mormon humor sites. I had no idea how insular that faith was till then, which was a shock as I've done a lot of time with Mormons as an ex-Pentecostal whose church was literally next door to a major temple in my town. So I look forward to getting to know you better so I can understand that culture more, being that now I live in a Mormon-saturated town!)

[Dwayne]

Hi, Dwayne, and welcome to ExC. I'm glad you're here.

 

I found you extimony very touching and moving. It must have been extremely difficult to find yourself standing at the pulpit, all your fellow congregants watching and waiting, and to realize you had nothing to say. I think the way you handled the situation was well done on your part. If I were your father, I would have been prouder of you at that moment, perhaps, than at any other time. It took real courage for you to say what you did and not to lie to the people and say what you know they wanted to hear.

 

Thanks. I just couldn't be disingenuous or sacrifice my personal integrity. It wouldn't be worth it. I hope that some day my father will be proud of my conviction. I have hope and that makes life beautiful.

[Overcame Faith]

I hope that some day my father will be proud of my conviction. I have hope and that makes life beautiful.

 

I hope so, too.

[NeverAgainV]

Dwayne,

 

Kudos to you for staying true to yourself. That was incredible what you did in walking away from the pulpit.

It sure is a mindblower when you research & realize that your flavor of christianity is not much different than all of the others that are out there that call themselves, "the true church".

 

We know many religious folks are sincere, but I think many religious leaders know, or at least suspect something is amiss,...but for whatever reasons, they continue to support the status quo.

Which is something you did not do.

 

I wish you all of the best in this journey out of religion. I think you have a lot of courage to do what you have done & are doing.

You have something a lot of those religious folks don't ...your integrity.

 

Take Care

 

PS I am curious if you ever heard it taught at your mormon church or at studies about the massacre of a wagon train, can't remember exactly when, maybe in the 1800's.

A wagon train of people who were immigrants (not mormons) were heading west & went through mormon country & supposedly the mormons living in the area did not appreciate the unbelievers galloping through their holy land.

[pratt]

i can only say WOW,,,,,,,

 

welcome to exC and WOW again

[Dwayne]

PS I am curious if you ever heard it taught at your mormon church or at studies about the massacre of a wagon train, can't remember exactly when, maybe in the 1800's.

A wagon train of people who were immigrants (not mormons) were heading west & went through mormon country & supposedly the mormons living in the area did not appreciate the unbelievers galloping through their holy land.

 

You are talking about the Mountain Meadows Massacre. The party headed westward contained some citizens from Missouri who took part in the persecutions against the Mormons. I'm not attempting to rationalize the actions of the Mormons but it must be understood that religious audacity and commitment harbor almost an animalistic character trait that drives an adherent to make poor choices. Admittedly, Brigham Young taught the Doctrine of Blood Atonement. However, I don't believe that was the inspiration for the attack. I wrote a paper for an English class in which I investigated this infamous part of Mormon history. In the more than 20 hours of research and of books and historical archives, I came to a stalemate conclusion. If Brigham Young knew about the attack beforehand, then he simply turned his cheek. But there is no evidence from my research in the historical archives that shows he ordered an extermination.

 

However, John D. Lee took the full brunt of the blame and was executed for the crime of many. I do believe that the Stake President of Cedar City, UT orchestrated and devised the attack. Unfortunately, I'm unable to remember what his name is at this time.

 

The MMM is seldom if ever spoken of in a formal church setting. Many members who are a decade younger than myself have no clue what the MMM was. The church paid for a landmark but offered no real apology. This is where the institutional 'sin' pissed me off. The church, because it is lead by a prophet and 12 apostles who are inspired by God cannot admit guilt, fault or being wrong because that would mean accepting and embracing a very human influenced church. I like the bumper sticker I saw a while back. It said "God doesn't kill people. People with gods kill people."

[NeverAgainV]

Yes, the MMM I believe is what is it called. They had an interesting program on, I think it was the History Channel (not that they are always factual But it was interesting.

 

That bumper sticker you saw, what it said is so true! Too many have been killed for "the kingdom" for "god" or any other religious reason.

 

I love what you said here, "The church paid for a landmark but offered no real apology. This is where the institutional 'sin' pissed me off. The church, because it is lead by a prophet and 12 apostles who are inspired by God cannot admit guilt, fault or being wrong because that would mean accepting and embracing a very human influenced church" Leaders of the church, never guilty....peons & ordinary sheep...always have the guilt heaped on our shoulders...always worrying about breaking a commandment. Sheesh, I'm so glad those days are over. Freedom is sweet!

[Akheia]

Another interesting post! I never even heard of the MMM. That's fascinating to a history wonk like me. Most of what I know about Mormon history came out of "The Mormon Murders." How reliable is that book, anyway?

[blackpudd1n]

Welcome to ex-C, Dwayne!

 

Your extimony fascinated me- you are so beautifully articulate, I look forward to many thought-provoking posts from you. I sincerely hope you will feel at home here.

 

Love, Pudd

[OMneg]

I find myself fascinated by the Mormon faith. Possibly because I have a friend who just got sucked into it. I imagine you created quite a stir when you walked away from the pulpit. Good for you! I always feel bad for Mormon missionaries. They are so young and so far from home.

[blackpudd1n]

I always feel bad for Mormon missionaries. They are so young and so far from home.

 

Actually, so do I. And I frequently make the mistake of offering them a cuppa, LOL. It's just how I try to be hospital- you come into my home, allow me to make you a cuppa lol.

[♦ ficino ♦]

Wonderful extimony, Dwayne, and very instructive! Welcome to this site. I notice the theme of education in your family - it sounds as though the three of you who are the least committed to Mormon exclusivity are the three with the most education (? hope I didn't misinterpret about your parents and siblings).

 

In the late '70s when I was Reformed there was a couple in my church who belonged to Ex Mormons for Christ. They only got as far as from LDS to Reformed. Sigh. I wonder where they are now...?

 

There has been a discussion of the book of Judges on the Lion's Den as part of the Odd Things thread. The Meadows massacre (I heard something about it in Ken Burns' documentary on the West, which also said the Mormons were persecuted) is nothing compared to the massacres that God insisted the Hebrews commit.

[Margee]

Welcome to EX-c Dwayne. Its so good to have you here. And thanks for writing for story. What guts to walk off that stage!! I remember how hard it was getting up and singing in the end for me.....I knew I wasn't sincere and it was a horrible feeling. All of this takes so much courage. Everybody seems to be a 'believer' of some sort...so we have become the 'minority' and it's hard.

 

I am really looking forward to hearing more from you. How does the Mormon Faith differ from the 'normal' christian doctrine. I knew one girl who had a nervous breakdown because of the Mormon faith. Something to do with totally submitting to her husband??

 

you can be at home here with us who also lost our faith.. you're going to be O. K. Post all your questions and concerns - we are right here with you!!

[Zephie]

Just read your story...wow. That is amazing courage to just be so honest.

[2Honest]

Thanks for sharing your story! As I read it I was reminded of some YouTube videos I watched recently called "Mormon Stories". I wasn't a Mormon, but found this couple's story fascinating. I was amazed at some of the similarities between their experience and mine and my husband's as Christians leaving the faith.

 

Glad you are here!

 

 

[Dwayne]

I am really looking forward to hearing more from you. How does the Mormon Faith differ from the 'normal' christian doctrine. I knew one girl who had a nervous breakdown because of the Mormon faith. Something to do with totally submitting to her husband??

 

Where to start with the differences! That would require another more extensive thread. I'm willing to participate but don't know where to start such a thread.

 

As far as a woman submitting to her husband, there is truth to that since the priesthood (males) is to be the head of the household. But be careful of the Mormon apologists as they will give a faith promoting spin on the matter. Just read "The Family: A Proclamation to the World".

[Dwayne]

I find myself fascinated by the Mormon faith. Possibly because I have a friend who just got sucked into it. I imagine you created quite a stir when you walked away from the pulpit. Good for you! I always feel bad for Mormon missionaries. They are so young and so far from home.

 

The Mormon faith is easy to get sucked into. The best product to sell is the "forever families" and the prophet who speaks to God. Once you start digging critically Mormonism falls apart and for some Christianity falls apart as well.

[Dwayne]

Wonderful extimony, Dwayne, and very instructive! Welcome to this site. I notice the theme of education in your family - it sounds as though the three of you who are the least committed to Mormon exclusivity are the three with the most education (? hope I didn't misinterpret about your parents and siblings).

 

In the late '70s when I was Reformed there was a couple in my church who belonged to Ex Mormons for Christ. They only got as far as from LDS to Reformed. Sigh. I wonder where they are now...?

 

There has been a discussion of the book of Judges on the Lion's Den as part of the Odd Things thread. The Meadows massacre (I heard something about it in Ken Burns' documentary on the West, which also said the Mormons were persecuted) is nothing compared to the massacres that God insisted the Hebrews commit.

 

Actually everyone in my family has degrees. My liberal brother and sister are both nearly done with their masters degrees. My father is a lawyer. My mother has an education degree. My other 2 sisters have degrees in Family and Childhood Development and Accounting. They just aren't as educatedly developed in matters of scripture, history, and ancient cultures.

[Dwayne]

Thanks for sharing your story! As I read it I was reminded of some YouTube videos I watched recently called "Mormon Stories". I wasn't a Mormon, but found this couple's story fascinating. I was amazed at some of the similarities between their experience and mine and my husband's as Christians leaving the faith.

 

Mormon Stories and Mormon Matters are podcast websites that deal with real stories and controversial issues concerning Mormon history, doctrine and culture. I'm fascinated by the participants and their stories.

 

I will probably always engage in dialogue with Mormons of the progressive and liberal mindset.

[Margee]

Thanks for sharing your story! As I read it I was reminded of some YouTube videos I watched recently called "Mormon Stories". I wasn't a Mormon, but found this couple's story fascinating. I was amazed at some of the similarities between their experience and mine and my husband's as Christians leaving the faith.

 

Mormon Stories and Mormon Matters are podcast websites that deal with real stories and controversial issues concerning Mormon history, doctrine and culture. I'm fascinated by the participants and their stories.

 

I will probably always engage in dialogue with Mormons of the progressive and liberal mindset.

I loved on this you tube (thanks 2Honest!) how he says that he would have never questioned the scriptures.....if he was having doubts.....it was coming from within himself. How dare any of us to question what everybody else believes to be 'gospel truth'! I remember feeling that way. Imagine...'bucking ' the pastor.... .... he was practically god on earth!!