Four And Half Years Later

[Overcame Faith]

I thought I would update my extimony now that four and a half years have passed since I left Christianity. This may help those who have only recently left the religion to see how time really can help to heal the wounds.

 

Like so many others, my deconversion happened over time, though I did not realize what was happening until it all came crashing down. As I have thought back on it, I now see that I had some serious questions about the religion long before I left it. For example, I saw that there were different versions of the same story in the four gospels. I would listen to the pastor preach on a story from one of the gospels and would wonder what, if anything, he would say about the same story that was somewhat different in another of the gospels. What I saw was that the pastors, all of them, would simply not mention the differences. That made me wonder and got me to thinking. And that thinking would help me later.

 

I also wondered such things as how much sense it made that this life was essentially said to be some sort of testing ground before we could "qualify" for heaven by accepting Jesus as our Savior during this life. It was as if we were born to see if we could pass a test and only then would we qualify for heaven.

 

But none of what I just said should be taken to mean that I was not a true believer. I was. To me, these problems I saw were simply my human wisdom not being up to the task of understanding that which was god's domain. I thoroughly believed in Christianity and it was the major force in my life. I can remember thinking that even if someone came up with some absolutely convincing proof that Christianity was not true, I would not believe it because I would see it as a Satanic lie. I taught Sunday school, I was a church leader, I tithed (willingly), and I gave extra for all those church projects. I formed my worldview largely from the bible. I studied the bible intensely and even engaged in apologetics.

 

It all came crashing down when something happened in my life that was extremely difficult for me. It was not directly related to the religion, but this event made me realize something that I never realized before in such a profound way. I realized that what we believe to be the truth is not necessarily the truth. That started me thinking intensely about god. For a while I became an even stronger Christian. But the damage had been done and there was a fracture in my faith. That fractured faith eventually led me to begin to question everything that I had held as solemn truth. After struggling for months, I unwillingly had to admit to myself that Christianity did not hold true. There were too many problems with it and I had to face another truth - the religion that I loved was a lie.

 

That realization that came to me with the full force of a hurricane on one dark and lonely night shattered me like the hundred and twenty mile per hour winds topple a great oak tree. It was absolutely devastating. What I thought was a fixed and immutable spiritual truth was a bold and evil lie and I had been its victim for decades. I sat down and wrote the reasons why I did not believe anymore and declared myself not to be a Christian. I kept that writing to myself because I wrote it only to and for myself.

 

Writing it out helped me some but not too much. I felt betrayed by the bible and by the religion in general. But worst of all, I felt totally alone and abandoned. I cried more tears than I care to remember. It was so difficult to believe that what I had seen as such a beautiful salvation plan with the very son of god dying for my sins was a lie. I felt angry and I mean really angry. But my anger was not directed towards anyone alive now. Rather, it was an intense anger and hatred for those who had written the bible. I saw them as filthy liars who had perpetrated the most outrageous fraud that humanity had ever known. I came to see them as evil incarnate.

 

It was not just anger and betrayal I felt, though those were devastating enough. I also sat down and thought about everything. I said to myself that I have to be absolutely sure that I am right because if I am wrong and Christianity is true, then my rejection of Jesus will lead me straight to hell. There was still enough of the lingering Christianity in me that told me I had to be absolutely sure. So I began an intensive study of the bible. My thinking was that if the bible is true then it will stand on its own without the need for any apologist to explain it. This bible study was just that - an intense study of the entire bible, using only the bible.

 

As I engaged in this study which took me months, I came to see things that I had never been able to see before because my faith had blinded me. What were most important to me were the four gospels. I compared the gospels verse by verse and story by story. I saw that the gospels were not consistent and there were many contradictions and inconsistencies. I then took various Christian issues and studied each of them using only the bible. The issues included: the nature of belief and faith, sin, why an atonement for sin was necessary, miracles, exorcisms performed by Jesus, Satan, Demons, Hell, prophecy, and on and on the list went. When I finished, I was finally comfortable with the fact that Christianity is a complete falsehood.

 

Leaving Christianity behind did not mean that I left the god of the bible behind. For awhile, though I had rejected Jesus, I still clung to the god of the Old Testament. It took me another almost two years before I finally was able to accept that that god did not exist. That was my last step out of the religion completely. And it was even more difficult for me than was my realization that Christianity (the religion of the four gospels) was false. The reason was that once I came to the reluctant conclusion that the god of the bible did not exist, I came to see that there was no greater power that I knew of (nor that I know of today) to whom I could look for help during times of trouble. I felt more alone than I had ever felt before.

 

Concluding that Christianity and the bible were falsehoods, however, did not end my troubles. I was still extremely emotional over the loss of my worldview. I had to begin re-thinking so many issues that before this I had used my understanding of the bible to decide upon. But now that I saw the bible as having no more authority than anything else written by people, I saw that I was on my own. I had to figure out for myself how to live my life, what to hold as dear and what to reject. That really threw me for a spin. I literally thought about issue after issue. I have come to personal conclusions over most of those issues, but even to this day I am still thinking about some of them.

 

Besides the intense emotional toll that leaving the religion had on me, there was something else that was at least as bad. That was the feeling that I was alone in having been a true believer who had rejected Christianity. Christianity so permeates the society in which I live with churches everywhere, people talking about the religion in their daily conversations, words like "God Bless You" being thrown around liberally, and all the rest that I truly felt that I was the only one who had taken the plunge I had taken. That was when I found ExC. I was so thankful to have found the forum. Suddenly I saw that there were others just like me. There were actually people who had experienced many of the same things I had experienced. I was not alone, after all!!!

 

I read the testimonies in particular. When I say I read them, I mean I read every one of them, even going back for several years’ worth of postings and reading every word and every reply. I saw myself in each of the posts and it helped me tremendously. I eventually joined the ExC community and I am so glad I did.

 

Now I am happy to say that I am secure in my having rejected the religion. The emotional toll has passed and I feel freer in many ways than I ever felt before. Just knowing without any doubt that there is no hell, no Satan, no demons, no such thing as sin, no atonement required, no judgment, no return of Jesus, no last days struggle for me or anyone else has now turned into pure joy. I see life as more precious now than I ever did as a Christian. And, even more importantly, I have dropped the judgmental attitude I had as a Christian. I am able to appreciate and accept people for who they are and not for how I thought they should be based on the lies in the Bible.

 

For those of you who are still struggling, and I know there are many of you, hang in there. I promise you that your struggles cannot be more intense than mine were. Yet, I made it through. You can, too. I promise you, you can get through this.

[Positivist]

This is beautiful, Overcame Faith!! Thank you for posting this. It is indeed a testament to the fact that we can make it out of faith. There is life after faith!

 

I relate a great deal to your story. I also felt the weight of apostasy quite heavily and was relieved, when I found Ex-C, to find I was not alone in my struggle. Losing one's worldview is incredibly difficult but with time and effort we can build a better one that is more accurate and less soul-destroying.

 

Thank you for the inspiration, Overcame Faith! I'm so glad you Overcame!

[Eugene39]

OF, It was enjoyable to read your post. You and I left our faith in similar fashion - a slow process of eliminating what we had always believed to be truth. You are correct in saying it is a very painful process. You were one of the first ones to welcome me aboard when I showed up here, and it is still appreciated, even though it's been around a year and a half ago now. Thanks again for posting an update.

[♦ ficino ♦]

I really appreciate your story, OF, and like Positivist and Eugene, I relate to most of what you wrote (I was lucky not to live in an evang-Christian-permeated part of the US, though!). Like you I am glad not to be thinking about everyone I meet, is this person saved? and all that. And like you I discovered the Bible's many inconsistencies and contradictions after having gotten the fundamental insight that it can't be true.

 

Have you seen the attempts of inerrantists to explain away the contradictions? Which contradictions do you think are the ones that can't be explained away? (maybe this question would hijack the thread, though...)

[Margee]

Overcame Faith, I cannot thank you enough for posting this update. It gives the newcomer hope.Thank you for showing me and the newcomer that time can greatly improve one's outlook on life after the devestation of losing faith in the christian god.....a faith you were 100% convinved of all your life to be true.

 

Like Eugene, you were one of the first to give me encouragement to face up to this devastation of losing my faith. I would not be as far as I am in my recovery without the help you have given me in the last year. You know how much I appreciate you.

 

I am so sorry for the pain you had to go through and endure to get to the point of writing this. It can be quite a long, painful 'deconverting' for some and I know you were one of them.

 

I think you summed up very intelligently the 'crashing down' of ones faith by saying you lost your whole worldview. 'Worldview' hit me like a ton of bricks this morning. It IS your whole worldview!! When one is brought up in the Christian faith and you sing songs about Jesus right from your childhood....to realize that it all might be a lie in adulthood, is the worst kind of grief some believers can go through.

 

When one's worldview blows up in their face, you run around for awhile screaming, 'please tell me this isn't happening!!' It's very hard to know where or whom to turn to when this happens. It isn't easy telling your partner, family and friends that you are a non-believer....that you've lost your faith. This alone can cause more loss. It feels like the loss continues, simply because you refuse to believe a lie any longer.

 

It was the biggest betrayal I have ever faced in my life and I relate to you when you said you never felt so all alone. Alone, to make it on your own in a world full of god believers .

 

Losing parents, family members or friends to death is hard enough, but to absorb the fact that there may be no god is devastating to some. I was one of them. You were one of them. God was our last hope to help us with the struggles of life. Then the realization that you must make it on your own without the help of the magical god. Realizing prayer doesn't work - it all too much for the mind. Like you said, your whole worldview fell apart. Thank you for reminding us that all this takes time to sort out.

 

Thank you so much for encouraging me and helping me to face the world by myself...for showing me that I had the ability and courage to pick up the pieces of my life and put some meaning back into it.

 

I will be forever grateful for you. You are my dearest friend.

[Overcame Faith]

This is beautiful, Overcame Faith!! Thank you for posting this. It is indeed a testament to the fact that we can make it out of faith. There is life after faith!

 

I relate a great deal to your story. I also felt the weight of apostasy quite heavily and was relieved, when I found Ex-C, to find I was not alone in my struggle. Losing one's worldview is incredibly difficult but with time and effort we can build a better one that is more accurate and less soul-destroying.

 

Thank you for the inspiration, Overcame Faith! I'm so glad you Overcame!

 

Thank-you, Positivist. I am both glad and sad that you relate to much of what I said. Glad because maybe you can be encouraged. Sad because I hate to hear of anyone's suffering.

 

Also, I think you understand my online name, Overcame Faith. It was overcoming my faith that made me able finally to see the bible for the lie it is.

[Overcame Faith]

OF, It was enjoyable to read your post. You and I left our faith in similar fashion - a slow process of eliminating what we had always believed to be truth. You are correct in saying it is a very painful process. You were one of the first ones to welcome me aboard when I showed up here, and it is still appreciated, even though it's been around a year and a half ago now. Thanks again for posting an update.

 

Eugene, I always envy those who are able to see through the religion and just give it up at a quick pace. But I guess people like you and me (and others) need more time and a lot of careful thought and analysis.

 

I remember when you first came here. I'm glad you're still here.

[Overcame Faith]

I really appreciate your story, OF, and like Positivist and Eugene, I relate to most of what you wrote (I was lucky not to live in an evang-Christian-permeated part of the US, though!). Like you I am glad not to be thinking about everyone I meet, is this person saved? and all that. And like you I discovered the Bible's many inconsistencies and contradictions after having gotten the fundamental insight that it can't be true.

 

Have you seen the attempts of inerrantists to explain away the contradictions? Which contradictions do you think are the ones that can't be explained away? (maybe this question would hijack the thread, though...)

 

Facino, I'm glad you don't live in a Jesus-centric community as I do. That helps to remove at least that burden. Like you, I, too, am glad that when I meet someone I'm not immediately thinking about whether they are saved and deciding whether I should witness to them.

 

I don't want to turn the thrust of the OP to a critical analysis of the Bible, so I don't think I'll use this thread to discuss contradictions and the like. Perhaps if there's enough interest, there could be another thread, maybe in General Theological Issues forum. I will, however, give you one verse for you to think through carefully:

 

³ For what I received I passed on to you as of first importance^[a]: that Christ died for our sins according to the Scriptures, ⁴ that he was buried, that he was raised on the third day according to the Scriptures, ⁵ and that he appeared to Cephas,^[b]and then to the Twelve.

 

1 Corinthians 15:3-5.

[Overcame Faith]

Hi, Margee. I remember all your struggles and how terribly difficult leaving the faith behind was (and in some ways still is) for you. I think your great contribution to this website is how you made yourself so transparent and open throughout your struggles. It has been inspiring for me to watch as you came to terms with the great issues of losing one's lifelong faith. I think many others have been inspired, too, and your well-deserved popularity on this Board is a testament to that fact.

 

It honors me to know that I was at least some help to you. Maybe you don't know it, but you helped me immeasurably.

 

Your friend.

[Akheia]

I love hearing these updates. You have such a moving story of hope and redemption from the predations of the Christian mindset. I'm glad you posted this.

[Overcame Faith]

I love hearing these updates. You have such a moving story of hope and redemption from the predations of the Christian mindset. I'm glad you posted this.

 

The thing about someone like me (and there have been many others who have done the same thing, too) who post updates is that they are posted for the benefit of others. I would love to see a whole series of such updates posted by the long-term members here who have gotten past their struggles. It would be such an encouragement to so many others.

[♦ ficino ♦]

I don't want to turn the thrust of the OP to a critical analysis of the Bible, so I don't think I'll use this thread to discuss contradictions and the like. Perhaps if there's enough interest, there could be another thread, maybe in General Theological Issues forum. I will, however, give you one verse for you to think through carefully:

 

³ For what I received I passed on to you as of first importance^[a]: that Christ died for our sins according to the Scriptures, ⁴ that he was buried, that he was raised on the third day according to the Scriptures, ⁵ and that he appeared to Cephas,^[b]and then to the Twelve.

 

1 Corinthians 15:3-5.

 

Yes, that one receives a lot of comment. There were at most eleven principal disciples when the resurrection appearances are recorded, and there's no record of an appearance to the "eleven" by themselves or all together that I recall except maybe the case in John about doubting Thomas.

 

Anyway, I'd welcome on General Theol Issues or another board any list you might have of the contradictions that one really can't spin away. I think the problem of who bought the Field of Blood is one.

[Akheia]

I'd love to see that topic made as well.

[Zephie]

Thankies OF for posting an update. It's good to know that it gets better.

[jblueep]

Thank you OF for the update. It was encouraging to read.

 

My wife (2Honest) and I deconverted about 4 months ago and like you we were True Believers^TM for decades. Your experience is much more like my wife in that I think it will take quite a bit of time for her to completely get through it. For me, once I opened my eyes, it was a very quick process. We certainly all process information and experiences in our own way and time.

 

Like you, I greatly appreciate the EX-C community. It has been a great help to us, and we plan on sticking around and paying that forward.

[Overcame Faith]

Thankies OF for posting an update. It's good to know that it gets better.

 

It does get better. Time and coming to terms are the great healers.

[Overcame Faith]

Thank you OF for the update. It was encouraging to read.

 

My wife (2Honest) and I deconverted about 4 months ago and like you we were True Believers^TM for decades. Your experience is much more like my wife in that I think it will take quite a bit of time for her to completely get through it. For me, once I opened my eyes, it was a very quick process. We certainly all process information and experiences in our own way and time.

 

Like you, I greatly appreciate the EX-C community. It has been a great help to us, and we plan on sticking around and paying that forward.

 

I'm glad your deconversion was quick. I envy you.

 

If there is one thing that will help your wife is knowing that she has you to help her along. From what I've read from the various posters over the years on ExC, it is always a smoother transition from being a true believer to an ExChristian when one has the support of a loved one who understands.

[Deva]

I appreciated reading your update OF. I relate to a great deal of what you said, although it took me a much longer time to leave Christianity completely behind.

 

I see you as one of the wisest people on this site--and there is a great deal of that to be found here. Your posts are well balanced and always include a lot of common sense.

 

Your Friend,

Deva

[Overcame Faith]

I appreciated reading your update OF. I relate to a great deal of what you said, although it took me a much longer time to leave Christianity completely behind.

 

I see you as one of the wisest people on this site--and there is a great deal of that to be found here. Your posts are well balanced and always include a lot of common sense.

 

Your Friend,

Deva

 

Thank-you, Deva. That's a great compliment. As I recall, you were one of the first to friend me when I came to ExC. I appreciated it then and now.

[Denyoz]

As I engaged in this study which took me months, I came to see things that I had never been able to see before because my faith had blinded me. What were most important to me were the four gospels. I compared the gospels verse by verse and story by story. I saw that the gospels were not consistent and there were many contradictions and inconsistencies. I then took various Christian issues and studied each of them using only the bible. The issues included: the nature of belief and faith, sin, why an atonement for sin was necessary, miracles, exorcisms performed by Jesus, Satan, Demons, Hell, prophecy, and on and on the list went. When I finished, I was finally comfortable with the fact that Christianity is a complete falsehood.

 

You did all this? I admire your determination OF. Thank you for sharing, you write very well BTW.

 

I could not read the Bible after I lost my faith. I called it spiritual indigestion. One more verse and I would vomit.

[Overcame Faith]

You did all this? I admire your determination OF. Thank you for sharing, you write very well BTW.

 

I could not read the Bible after I lost my faith. I called it spiritual indigestion. One more verse and I would vomit.

 

Yes, I really did all of that. I wanted to be as sure as I possibly could. It's the way my mind works.

[bornnormal]

...

I read the testimonies in particular. When I say I read them, I mean I read every one of them, even going back for several years’ worth of postings and reading every word and every reply. I saw myself in each of the posts and it helped me tremendously. I eventually joined the ExC community and I am so glad I did.

...

Me too!

I remember that all my free time went into reading through this site (I think I read all the posts back to 5-6 years ago), and watching hundreds of hours of debates and documentaries and reading at least 5 books on religion criticism. It took I guess 6-8 months. I was never that restless on any other topic. All your testimonies, the atheist vs. religious debates and the religion criticism gave me so much reassurance and encouragement that I could not get enough.

Glad to be here! Cheers!

[Overcame Faith]

...

I read the testimonies in particular. When I say I read them, I mean I read every one of them, even going back for several years’ worth of postings and reading every word and every reply. I saw myself in each of the posts and it helped me tremendously. I eventually joined the ExC community and I am so glad I did.

...

Me too!

I remember that all my free time went into reading through this site (I think I read all the posts back to 5-6 years ago), and watching hundreds of hours of debates and documentaries and reading at least 5 books on religion criticism. It took I guess 6-8 months. I was never that restless on any other topic. All your testimonies, the atheist vs. religious debates and the religion criticism gave me so much reassurance and encouragement that I could not get enough.

Glad to be here! Cheers!

 

I know exactly what you're talking about.

 

Glad you're here.