My Mother-In-Law

[Ro-bear]

I guess this is the place where we bitch about things that bother us and seek support.

 

My mother-in-law, Dora, was perhaps the finest human being I have ever known. I say "was" because there is not much of her left. Dora has Alzheimer's. She was only 69 when it was diagnosed seven years ago, and she has steadily declined since then. One of my sisters-in-law moved in with her and Jack, my father-in-law, after the diagnosis. Jack died a year later never having accepted his wife's diagnosis; he still expected her to have her shit together. We haven't let her cook or drive for years. She sleeps most of the time. She can rarely be convinced to bathe or go out anywhere. She tries to fake knowing me and my daughters, but often she does not know who we are. This just kills me and the girls, because we were always so close to Dora.

 

Today my wife and her sisters are moving Dora into some kind of assisted living situation. I don't know much about the place, but I guess I'll find out eventually. My wife did not want us to go. She wants this day to be as uncomplicated as possible. I know it hurts her very much to do this.

 

This whole thing is bothering me a lot. It seems so unfair to Dora to put her in a home after she has dedicated her life to others. But none of the other scenarios work any better for her. The only one of her daughters without children is a crazy cat-collecting bachelorette hoarder type. It really seems impossible to do the right thing, so we have to try to settle for the best thing, which sucks so bad it hardly deserves to be called the best anything.

 

It's hard to be of much comfort to someone who can't quite place you. Damn. I can't even comfort my wife very much except to hold her when she cries. Most of the time in my life I feel quite on top of things, even to the point of self-congratulating, but every now and then something comes up that makes me feel ill-equipped to deal with life's vicissitudes. I guess I've been so lucky in general that when reality hits I feel it pretty hard.

 

Anyway, to the point if you are still reading: has anyone here faced the same scenario, what did you choose, how do you feel about it, do you have any advice, etc. Thanks.

 

--Rob

[Denyoz]

Life sucks.

 

Sorry Rob I cannot give you any useful advice. I have this "nothing really matters" attitude, which some say is negative, but it spares me useless worrying and suffering. I think your mother-in-law will be allright.

 

Take care of yourself man

[Vigile]

My family went through the same thing with my grandmother. Sorry for your family's pain and loss.

[LivingLife]

This disease sucks. My dad had it and we actually cared for him as the nursing homes here do not have good reps.

 

It is disheartening when you know you are watching someone die/wither away and there is squat you can do about it other than make whatever time they have left as comfortable as possible.

[♦ ficino ♦]

I am very sorry to hear this, Ro-bear. It is very tough for everyone, and models of "what's right" that come from earlier social structures are hard to apply now - people don't live in extended families, and longevity is in my opinion out of control. My father was increasingly unable to live on his own, and an accident "providentially" provided a chance to get him into a nursing home where now he is much better off. Neither my nor my sister's place is set up for someone like him with limited mobility and who needs frequent monitoring. He actually has better interactions now than he did when his only contacts were exploitative neighbors.

 

Some friends of mine are now looking for assisted living for the 99-yr-old mother, who does not want to move out of her house. They have two adult sons who are semi-dependent and they are in their 70s themselves and can't take on care of another geriatric.

 

I think actually that Dora's situation is better than that of many seniors. Presumably her Alzheimer's will only get worse. Her ability to realize what she's losing is limited, isn't it? It's true that some seniors are very upset at having to leave their homes and go into assisted living or a nursing home (like the mother of my best childhood friend), but someone with Alzheimer's, I should think, is in less of a position to realize all the implications of the move.

 

Since it's your wife's mother, I think your support of your wife is your first job, and you're doing that already.

 

I think part of the anguish that so many in our generation feel about our aging parents is a byproduct of the success of the medical/pharmaceutical industry in extending life so long. For some it's great, but for others, they really are not living good qualities of life when they are kept alive beyond their ability to live a rich and contributory life. I think this problem will only become more acute.

 

A slightly different topic: my partner "pulled the plug" on both his parents. It was obvious that it was the right thing to do; each was being kept alive artificially and had no substantive brain functions. He has no qualms about having done the right thing. We both have DNR orders ourselves.

 

All the best to you and your family.

[ConureDelSol]

On the nursing home bit, I have a bit of experience. My grandparents went through two before we ended up taking care of them ourselves. My mother is a nurse, so it helps. We also have a girl who watches them during the week. I don't know much about assisted living or nursing homes where you are, but here, they can be pretty sub par. Their food is awful, which is usually the excuse my grandparents have for leaving. Some of the nurses are just terrible and will manhandle just about any patient. I suppose though, if she can't remember anything, that it may be better for her. The biggest problem my grandparents had was the whole "Why don't you ever visit me?" thing. Even now, my grandma freaks whenever my mom leaves the room for a few seconds. I guess if she doesn't remember that someone's supposed to be visiting her, maybe it's better? Perhaps she won't be as lonely.

[xandermac]

My ex MIL is 96. They kept her at home as long as they could but the cost of home health care and the fear of her falling again made it too difficult. She still has a strong mind but is hard of hearing and can't write because of palsy. I think she will die of boredom. It's sad.

[Positivist]

Today my wife and her sisters are moving Dora into some kind of assisted living situation.

It seems so unfair to Dora to put her in a home after she has dedicated her life to others.

~*~*~

I can't even comfort my wife very much except to hold her when she cries.

 

Hey Rob

 

I really feel for you. Our society is not really set up to care for aging parents ourselves, so please don't beat yourself up; it's not you, it's the system.

 

A friend of mine is going through this. She moved her mother in with her and after a week of no sleep and just trying to keep her family and her mother on the rails, she had to have her placed.

 

My mother cared for her mother (my grandmother) but it wasn't a long drawn out process like Alzheimer's. My grandmother was dementing and losing functionality but she had other stuff going on too that precipitated a downward spiral. The palliative process was under 3 months and my mom was retired so had the time (and resources) to attend to her.

 

Fortunately, the face of long term care (AKA elder care) is changing. At least in Canada, there are far fewer of those dark, depressing long term care facilities, and more places that acknowledge that many people still have abilities and just need a little (and increasing) assistance. I hope the same is true for your MIL.

 

Please don't blame yourself. Your MIL and your wife and family are experiencing what is at its heart a system issue. Unfortunately, it is a very painful experience for people like you and your wife and family who really care. I think the best you can do is what you are doing.

[mymistake]

Today my wife and her sisters are moving Dora into some kind of assisted living situation. I don't know much about the place, but I guess I'll find out eventually.

 

I worked in one of those places. You might want one that specializes in dementia. Otherwise you are going to get a lot of calls about how she wondered off in the night and they are looking for her. The bottom line regarding quality on long-term-care facilities: Is their staff to patient ratio the bare bones minimum required by law? Ones where it is higher will tend to be more expensive.

 

Anyway, to the point if you are still reading: has anyone here faced the same scenario, what did you choose, how do you feel about it, do you have any advice, etc. Thanks.

 

--Rob

 

I lost my grandfather to Alzheimer's. When he first got bad we got him a adult sitter. Later we had to move him to a LTC facility. He died about six to eight months after that. And now my grandmother has it too.

 

When somebody has Alzheimer's every time you meet them you are meeting them for the first time. Later on you will find their short term memory is only a few minutes. Whatever happened prior to that didn't happen. Say their memory is down to 5 minutes. Then every 6 minutes they are going to repeat the conversation. To them it is fresh because the recent past doesn't exist. However you should be able to have interesting conversations with them about events in the 50's and 60's.

 

Sorry to hear about your family. Alzheimer's sucks.

[Noggy]

Fun fact 1: People who hoard cats are awesome

 

Fun fact 2: Marijuana prevents alzheimers

 

Fun fact 3: I'm high as balls

[Eugene39]

Ro-bear, Sorry to read of the situation you've found yourself in. Mom tried keeping her dad when he was nearing the end, and it just didn't work out. He had to go to an assisted living facility. Yes, it seems totally wrong, when you go to see someone who you have loved and has loved you, but now due to their mental state, they don't even know who you are. It's rough. I don't really know what to tell you - you are doing the best you can. In my opinion, how you are conducting yourself is being on top of the situation, even though to you it doesn't feel like it. Please accept my sympathies as you and your family work through this phase of difficulty.

[Ro-bear]

Fun fact 1: People who hoard cats are awesome

 

Fun fact 2: Marijuana prevents alzheimers

 

Fun fact 3: I'm high as balls

 

#1: I could introduce you to her.

 

#2: I guess you and I are safe, then.

 

#3: Have fun! Play nice.

[Ro-bear]

Today my wife and her sisters are moving Dora into some kind of assisted living situation. I don't know much about the place, but I guess I'll find out eventually.

 

I worked in one of those places. You might want one that specializes in dementia. Otherwise you are going to get a lot of calls about how she wondered off in the night and they are looking for her. The bottom line regarding quality on long-term-care facilities: Is their staff to patient ratio the bare bones minimum required by law? Ones where it is higher will tend to be more expensive.

 

Anyway, to the point if you are still reading: has anyone here faced the same scenario, what did you choose, how do you feel about it, do you have any advice, etc. Thanks.

 

--Rob

 

I lost my grandfather to Alzheimer's. When he first got bad we got him a adult sitter. Later we had to move him to a LTC facility. He died about six to eight months after that. And now my grandmother has it too.

 

When somebody has Alzheimer's every time you meet them you are meeting them for the first time. Later on you will find their short term memory is only a few minutes. Whatever happened prior to that didn't happen. Say their memory is down to 5 minutes. Then every 6 minutes they are going to repeat the conversation. To them it is fresh because the recent past doesn't exist. However you should be able to have interesting conversations with them about events in the 50's and 60's.

 

Sorry to hear about your family. Alzheimer's sucks.

 

Yes, we've been down that road awhile now. Conversations repeat in loops unless you relocate the sufferer and introduce different stimuli. It's been years since Dora could tell you what she had for breakfast or what time of year it was without peeking out the window. But even some long ago stuff is starting to go now.

[Akheia]

I've never had a close relative with diagnosed Alzheimer's, but I did have some relatives who got really vague toward the end. My family's old-school German Catholic, with all the extended relatives living within a mile or two of each other, so they had a social net that most families simply don't have. Several of my extended family had care because of that net and only one had to go to a home--and she was a nun, so it was a free Catholic thing. Now that the older great-aunts and -uncles have passed and there's only one nun and a priest left in the family, not to mention how the younger folks are more spread out, it's anybody's guess what'll happen when the next relative gets such an affliction.

 

My mother died after a fight with cancer, and when my soccer-mom sister couldn't help, I was the only one who did. I lived with her one week, and worked the next, till she got so bad I had to just live there. She slowly lost her memory and her abilities as the cancer destroyed her, but to me slowly is a subjective term. The whole process probably took a year or two. There really isn't a good solution nowadays. All you can really shoot for is the best you can do with what you have and know now. It sounds like you took that course. You may feel bad in the years to come that there just wasn't a better solution available, but it may comfort you, as it did me, that you did the best you could with what you had. I got phone numbers for advocates, hospital ombudsmen, and counselors who assisted me in making a plan, though I might also mention that as the saying goes, no plan ever survives an encounter with the enemy and this plan was no exception. But at least I didn't feel quite so alone. I gently suggest it might also benefit you to learn where your resources are--and use them. There's a nationwide support group for Alzheimer's patients, I think, and they probably have a webpage. Good luck and know you're in my thoughts.

[Ro-bear]

Today my wife and her sisters are moving Dora into some kind of assisted living situation.

It seems so unfair to Dora to put her in a home after she has dedicated her life to others.

~*~*~

I can't even comfort my wife very much except to hold her when she cries.

 

Hey Rob

 

I really feel for you. Our society is not really set up to care for aging parents ourselves, so please don't beat yourself up; it's not you, it's the system.

 

A friend of mine is going through this. She moved her mother in with her and after a week of no sleep and just trying to keep her family and her mother on the rails, she had to have her placed.

 

My mother cared for her mother (my grandmother) but it wasn't a long drawn out process like Alzheimer's. My grandmother was dementing and losing functionality but she had other stuff going on too that precipitated a downward spiral. The palliative process was under 3 months and my mom was retired so had the time (and resources) to attend to her.

 

Fortunately, the face of long term care (AKA elder care) is changing. At least in Canada, there are far fewer of those dark, depressing long term care facilities, and more places that acknowledge that many people still have abilities and just need a little (and increasing) assistance. I hope the same is true for your MIL.

 

Please don't blame yourself. Your MIL and your wife and family are experiencing what is at its heart a system issue. Unfortunately, it is a very painful experience for people like you and your wife and family who really care. I think the best you can do is what you are doing.

 

Yes, as a society we are not set up for this as well as in times past. And, as Ficino says, we are victims of our own success with regard to longevity.

 

Thanks to all who have expressed sympathy and offered support. This is harder on my wife than me. My parents are older than Dora, but they are reasonably sharp and healthy at present. Sandy has already lost a father and is losing her mother in one of the more painful ways imaginable.

[blackpudd1n]

Hey Rob,

 

Unfortunately, I think this is something that will be looked at for my 91-year-old grandfather soon. The idea kills me, because grandpa's mind is still sharp, but his body is failing him. A couple of weeks ago he had a nose bleed that went for five hours. When he finally called for an ambulance, he had to be transported to a larger hospital and put on saline, he'd lost so much blood. I suspect his fear of being put into a home is what caused him to wait for so long before calling for assistance.

 

I don't have any advice for you. But I can certainly empathise with the pain you are feeling. I don't want my grandpa to go into a home; I know that he will only go down-hill in one. His mind is too sharp still. But I don't have any say in the matter. He's not my biological grandfather to begin with, something one of grandpa's daughters enjoys pointing out when the occaision arises. And she'll be the one to put him in a home, even when he doesn't need to be. She's been trying for years, the bitch.

[Kurari]

There is a societal stigma about "sticking your elderly in homes." It's often negatively viewed because people think it's getting rid of inconvenient old people. There is also this pervading idea that you have children so they can take care of you when you're old.

 

The reality of it is that life simply doesn't work that way.

 

Very often we get to the point where we simply outstrip our family's ability to provide for us. As much as many families would love to keep their dependent loved ones near them, it's not uncommon for doing that to just be plain downright impossible to do. And that's not a reflection on how much you love your MIL or how you feel about your responsibilities toward her, and it's really unfair to heap that on top of you.

 

Do not feel guilty about needing a home to look after Dora now. You're not abandoning her or doing a disservice to her. She's really sick. Just as you would take someone to a hospital for professional care when their injuries and illnesses are beyond your ability to help them, so to is having making sure a sick elderly person placed in a home where they can be looked after by professional caretakers.

 

As much as it hurts, sucks, and causes grief, this decision should not be a guilt inducing action. You've done a very loving and responsible thing.

 

It's hard to be of much comfort to someone who can't quite place you. Damn. I can't even comfort my wife very much except to hold her when she cries.

 

Yes is it. But don't ever underestimate the power of a loving human presence. You're suffering through a very tough situation that nobody can do anything about. But you have each other. Just clinging to someone when you cry is really cathartic, even if you feel awkward and helpless.

 

I want to pass on something very important that my grandmother taught me. My grandmother has severe dementia and is confused most of the time about who people are, where she is, and what's she said two seconds ago.

 

But through that, she could be HAPPY. She could laugh. She just loved the fact that she had people around her to talk to her. And she could understand "I love you very, very much" as clearly as she could when she was 20 even if she couldn't remember who we were.

 

She knew that we loved her. That was enough.

 

 

Continue to be a loving human being, and you're going to be okay. Your family and Dora CAN still have good times together through all of this, before she finally will have to pass.

 

And don't forget yourself when things get overwhelming. Go take a time out and get some support when you need it. You've got an emotional injury here to tend to yourself, and you're going to feel depleted and overwhelmed more often than usual. Don't push it, and be certain to make sure to pay attention to your nutrition and exercise during this time. That will help your energy a good deal.

 

Best of luck.

[midniterider]

I guess this is the place where we bitch about things that bother us and seek support.

 

My mother-in-law, Dora, was perhaps the finest human being I have ever known. I say "was" because there is not much of her left. Dora has Alzheimer's. She was only 69 when it was diagnosed seven years ago, and she has steadily declined since then. One of my sisters-in-law moved in with her and Jack, my father-in-law, after the diagnosis. Jack died a year later never having accepted his wife's diagnosis; he still expected her to have her shit together. We haven't let her cook or drive for years. She sleeps most of the time. She can rarely be convinced to bathe or go out anywhere. She tries to fake knowing me and my daughters, but often she does not know who we are. This just kills me and the girls, because we were always so close to Dora.

 

Today my wife and her sisters are moving Dora into some kind of assisted living situation. I don't know much about the place, but I guess I'll find out eventually. My wife did not want us to go. She wants this day to be as uncomplicated as possible. I know it hurts her very much to do this.

 

This whole thing is bothering me a lot. It seems so unfair to Dora to put her in a home after she has dedicated her life to others. But none of the other scenarios work any better for her. The only one of her daughters without children is a crazy cat-collecting bachelorette hoarder type. It really seems impossible to do the right thing, so we have to try to settle for the best thing, which sucks so bad it hardly deserves to be called the best anything.

 

It's hard to be of much comfort to someone who can't quite place you. Damn. I can't even comfort my wife very much except to hold her when she cries. Most of the time in my life I feel quite on top of things, even to the point of self-congratulating, but every now and then something comes up that makes me feel ill-equipped to deal with life's vicissitudes. I guess I've been so lucky in general that when reality hits I feel it pretty hard.

 

Anyway, to the point if you are still reading: has anyone here faced the same scenario, what did you choose, how do you feel about it, do you have any advice, etc. Thanks.

 

--Rob

 

Cry and then live one day at a time, sir. And share whatever is on your heart with your loved ones.

 

I just put my Dad into assisted living 3 months ago because he has alzheimers, makes lousy decisions and was letting some sweet talking financial predator woman remove all the money from his bank account. He is fiercely independent or at least tries to be. I did not want to take over his life but really had no choice. I've gone from letting him do whatever he wanted to being up close and personal in all his affairs. He has mutliple medical issues as well as mental problems. It is heartbreaking to see a parent's mind just melt away to nothing. I did not want to put him in a home but it is the best thing for him.

 

We do what we think is best for our parent with alzheimers because that is what they taught us when we were children. To make the best family choice we can. Though emotions conflict with that choice. Dad was pissed off and wouldnt speak to me when he found out he was going into assisted living and that I would be handling his affairs. Since then he has accepted it and even agreed it was probably the best option. He wouldnt want to live with me or my brother. But he is too infirm to live alone anymore.

 

In my non-professional opinion he is teetering between reality and non-reality. He 'appears' to be lucid but it is a facade covering up a mind that is disappearing. We love a baby every moment from birth to adulthood. We can still love them as their minds recede back into babyhood. Someone at the nursing home told me that old people just want kindness. That holds true with my father for sure.

 

Take care.

[OMneg]

 

It's hard to be of much comfort to someone who can't quite place you. Damn. I can't even comfort my wife very much except to hold her when she cries.

--Rob

Ro-bear, I'm sorry for what you're going through. You've made the best choice that you can. What you said about comforting really stuck out for me. The last time I saw my grandma (alzheimer's) I told her I loved her and I knew she didn't know who the heck I was but I needed her to know that someone loved her. Keep visiting and telling your MIL that you love her. Keep holding your wife when she cries and tell her you love her and that you're there for her. You may be showing her by your actions but sometimes people need to hear the words. Hope I don't sound too preachy. It sounds like you're a really great husband and SIL. Take care.

[Margee]

ro-bear, I also am so sorry you must face and go through this. Alzheimer's is so horrible. I have several clients that have had to watch their parents as they lost their personality. I certainly think you are all doing the right thing. She needs special care now. Let the professionals do their job and you and the family can feel content as they give her the proper care she needs. Like others have said, just go and give lots of hugs.

 

We are bringing my MIL to live with us by summer. She is 90 and starting to lose it. Yet they will not accept her in a 'home' right now because she is too healthy in many other ways.. It's not what we want to do - it's what we have to do. As soon as she gets too hard to look after (for me) we will be forcing the issue. It's a huge burden. Right now, in our province, you have to practically drop them off at a hospitol and leave them before you can get attention. I've known 2 friends who had to do this. True story. It's awful...not enough old age homes available and the ones that are...cost a fortune.

 

People live too long now. They outlive their brains - that's what they say about dementia. My MIL hears loud music at night now and screams out at the neigbour to shut up; (she's got the lady next door nearly crazy for banging on the walls) She says as soon as she tells them to shut up - it stops. Thing is, my husband stayed overnight a little while ago and told her as soon as she heard the music, to holler for him. She screamed 1/2 later when she fell asleep and he went in her bedroom....no music. Now she hears it when she naps in the afternoon. It's causing problems in the building now. So we will bring her here and see what happens.........

 

Hang in there bud. Life is not always easy - that's for sure........

 

Best wishes for you and your family.

[buffettphan]

Ro-bear, So sorry you and your family are going through this. Giving comfort and support is the best thing you can do. I agree with OMneg above, you are a wonderful husband and SIL. Take care -- and don't forget we're here if you need some comfort and support.

[Akheia]

Ro-bear, did Dora's move go all right? Is your wife okay? Thinking of you and your family today.

[Ro-bear]

Ro-bear, did Dora's move go all right? Is your wife okay? Thinking of you and your family today.

 

Thank you for your kind thoughts.

 

I'll find out when Sandy gets back this evening, and I will provide the details here soon afterward.

 

Everyone here has been very supportive, and I appreciate it. It helps knowing that others have been through this or at least sympathize.

[Ro-bear]

Ro-bear,

 

Not trying to be calous, but I suspect it will be more of relief when she does pass.

 

That's not callous, that is just an honest assessment of human nature. With Alzheimer's, the grieving process begins with the diagnosis. Apart from guilt issues, death often comes as a relief if anecdotal evidence fairly represents the truth. The thing is, I already miss Dora even as I hold her hand and look in her eyes. She, and we, have lost access to much of what made her what she was.

[jdog]

I feel for you and your family. I have not known anyone with Alzheimer's personally but I know that it's a horrible disease from what I have learned about it and it's really tough on those who are close to the person. Really sorry Ro bear that you and wife are facing this.